This whole male/female platonic friendship thing

[Wahtnow]

I so want to believe it's possible, but my experience is that men don't really want it.

Years ago I worked in a male dominated industry, I avoided getting close to most of the men because it was blatantly obviously none of them were interested in knowing me as a friend, or even a friendly colleague tbh. There was one man who seemed "safe" a dedicated family man, absolutely committed to his wife, we became good friends through a shared interest and for years it was all good, until it wasn't, and he kissed me at the end of a work function, when I thought he was being a genuinely decent bloke seeing me back to my hotel.

And now it's happened again. I have a mixed group of friends, some married, some single. Based on my previous experience, I have been so careful not to become especially close to the married men or to spend time alone with them, we get along absolutely fine in the group, but my close friends within it are the women and a couple of single men.

We've just been away to an event for a few days, tbf lots of drinking involved and varying stamina levels. Of 12 of us, 6 had left the bar fairly early and a couple of hours later married man said he was going, me and one other said we'd walk back with him. The other (single man) got distracted by another bar on the way back leaving me to walk with married man. All good, I feel completely safe with him and there's never been any reason for anyone to feel concerned about it.

We staggered home (large air BnB) made a cup of tea, sat on the sofa, half the party already in bed in rooms very close and the rest expected back at some point. And then he makes his move. I did not see that coming at all, up until that point it felt exactly like if I'd been with a female friend drinking tea at the end of a fun evening.

Do all men "turn" eventually/ have an ulterior motive for friendships with women or is this something I'm doing?

I stopped him, he stopped immediately and was very apologetic. He also apologised again next day and it will be fine, but it also changes things.

His wife wasn't on this trip because it was for something she doesn't enjoy, but I know and like her a lot, so that leaves me with another issue. Until this point I've always genuinely believed he was one of the good guys 😪

I don't think it is common for men to have an 'ulterior motive' for having female friends. I don't think it is common for men to 'plan' like this. I think it is instead simply opportunity and circumstance which makes these sudden turns happen.

But if you refuse to allow yourself to be friends with a man, what use is your experience of different countries and cultures in terms of the question of male/female friendships? You don't have male friends, and apparently your husband doesn't have female ones, regardless of where you live.

@KitchenAngst I used to have male friends believing in the possibility of platonic friendship, I now don't after all those experiences.

Your examples aren’t really about men and women being friends, they’re specifically sleazy men trying to cheat on their wives who probably go for any opportunity they think they’ve seen regardless of who that opportunity is to them. They’re not representative of proper friendships. It’s very unlikely to be anything you’re doing, they’re chancing their luck and you happened to be the woman there.

I have a lot of male friends, several stretching back over a decade. Only one has ever indicated wanting anything else, years ago when we were both single. I pointed out that we’d never work as a couple, he ultimately agreed. We’ve kept on being friends. All perfectly civilised. None of the others ever have, regardless of our respective relationship statuses.

Put it this way, when I was young, single, pretty and slim, I had male friends. Now I'm none of those things, I have no male friends.

All my friends are make. All my husband’s friends are female. Not an issue. No sexual attraction in ang of the friendships.

You can be friends with someone who makes a move on you. You say no, they apologize, and you carry on as before. No big deal. Of course, if they don't take no for an answer or react badly, that's another story. I don't see why making a move means automatic end of the friendship.

Totally agree. I’ve got long term male friends and the only approaches were at the very start of the friendship when we barely knew each other.
I have several attached male friends where I’ve never even met their partners yet they don’t try it on with any of the women in the circle - we are all just a friendship mixed group.

I agree Op. I always make a point of staying well away from any friends husbands or male co workers that are attached . No matter how much they claim to love their wives 90% of them would have no strings sex if they could get away with it . I'd put my own dh in that bracket too !

I suppose if you're irresistably physically attractive then you won't be able to have a purely platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex. For most of us it's perfectly possible, both in my experience and those of other friends.

Yeah, they love to hear and help you out when you're young and slim 🤣 all the chivalry in the world!

Well, I never gave it much thought, and, bar maybe two instances in my life (I'm 51 and have also moved around the world a fair bit), it's not happened to me. Certainly not to the extent that I would change my attitudes to friendships in general.

I think I find it amusing and noteworthy that posters are behaving on here as if a pass was the worst thing that a friend could possibly do to you, whereas Mn on the average day documents far worse instances of coercion, nastiness, dishonesty and general unpleasantness between women.

💯- brush it off, change the subject, forget it happened, move on.

It’s not the worst thing ever unless as you say they don’t take no for an answer.

They love me at my worst, they love me at my best. Fat or thin they love me. They pick me up when I'm down, I pick them up when they're down. I celebrate their life events birthdays, weddings, children. It's what friends do whether they have a Penis or not. Just so happens a couple of mine have a Penis.

Well that's pretty rare I'd say...most men have no interest in being friends with women. I actually believe that most men really don't like women much and tolerate them because they want sex.

Seriously, that's what you think? How depressing. I'm not any kind of dewy-eyed idealist, I can't imagine what kind of dire experiences with men you must have had to believe this. I'd be lost without my male friends. Only one of whom I have ever had sex with, and that was so long ago, before I met DH, that I now think of it as sort of distant pre-history.

I live by the racecourse. In my experience, pretty much all horses are thoroughbreds. It's rare to see any other sort of horse. Is my experience limited, or does it represent reality?

I'd question the men I was mixing with, if I were you.

What a depressing way to think, and not my experience at all.

Absolutely agree. I’ve got fantastic platonic male friends. One in particular I’d be lost without getting his alternative perspective from a male POV. We message chat most days, I know his gf but not well, she’s completely fine about our friendship and knows we meet for lunch with zero agenda.

Not a fan of Germaine Greer then?!

What has GG got to do with this??

I've known some men who have all these platonic female friendships... To cover up for the friendships they're actually fucking. Hiding in plain sight.
Of the ten platonic lunches - which one isn't?

This.

Because she said

Women have very little idea of how much men hate them

I think that's the quote.. apologies if I misquoted at all but I'm pretty sure she said that.

And she was right.

I genuinely have no idea why people think you can't be friends with the opposite sex. I have always had loads of male and female friends.

It baffles me why people find it baffling.