This whole male/female platonic friendship thing

[Wahtnow]

I so want to believe it's possible, but my experience is that men don't really want it.

Years ago I worked in a male dominated industry, I avoided getting close to most of the men because it was blatantly obviously none of them were interested in knowing me as a friend, or even a friendly colleague tbh. There was one man who seemed "safe" a dedicated family man, absolutely committed to his wife, we became good friends through a shared interest and for years it was all good, until it wasn't, and he kissed me at the end of a work function, when I thought he was being a genuinely decent bloke seeing me back to my hotel.

And now it's happened again. I have a mixed group of friends, some married, some single. Based on my previous experience, I have been so careful not to become especially close to the married men or to spend time alone with them, we get along absolutely fine in the group, but my close friends within it are the women and a couple of single men.

We've just been away to an event for a few days, tbf lots of drinking involved and varying stamina levels. Of 12 of us, 6 had left the bar fairly early and a couple of hours later married man said he was going, me and one other said we'd walk back with him. The other (single man) got distracted by another bar on the way back leaving me to walk with married man. All good, I feel completely safe with him and there's never been any reason for anyone to feel concerned about it.

We staggered home (large air BnB) made a cup of tea, sat on the sofa, half the party already in bed in rooms very close and the rest expected back at some point. And then he makes his move. I did not see that coming at all, up until that point it felt exactly like if I'd been with a female friend drinking tea at the end of a fun evening.

Do all men "turn" eventually/ have an ulterior motive for friendships with women or is this something I'm doing?

I stopped him, he stopped immediately and was very apologetic. He also apologised again next day and it will be fine, but it also changes things.

His wife wasn't on this trip because it was for something she doesn't enjoy, but I know and like her a lot, so that leaves me with another issue. Until this point I've always genuinely believed he was one of the good guys 😪

Yes I always find this “men and women can’t be friends because heterosexuality means you might theoretically be attracted to each other” argument falls down when you remind it’s proponents bisexual people exist. My sexuality means I could theoretically be attracted to EVERY OTHER ADULT IN THE WORLD, but guess what, I’m not. Just like straight people aren’t attracted to every single person of the opposite sex.

I don't think it's that you're attracted to/attractive for every opposite sex adult, but when you get on, enjoy spending time together, start to get close and care for each other, the chances of something developing must surely be fairly high?

I don't think it's that you're attracted to/attractive for every opposite sex adult, but when you get on, enjoy spending time together, start to get close and care for each other, the chances of something developing must surely be fairly high

Why must it be? Do you fancy most men you get on with? Could you? Most people don't fancy most people.

My experience has been that yes all men eventually attempt to turn the friendship sexual or romantic, no matter how in love with their wife or whatever they are.

I’ve lost count of the number of times this has happened to me, maybe a dozen? I’ve given up having male friends now.

Not imo no. I find once you are good friends, then the chances of more developing is pretty non existent as you see each other more like brother and sister than potential partners.
It’s like when people say if you want a FWB then look at your friendship circle. I can’t imagine anything I’d want less than to have sex with one of my good friends.

Maybe some people are better at compartmentalising than others. I’ve definitely got loads of male mates who are on the same level as my female ones - purely in the friend zone.

My closest male friend is a really attractive charismatic bloke. Several of my friends have expressed surprise that nothing has ever happened between us because we’re so close but I genuinely don’t look at him in any way other than being one of my best friends.

It's a shame that some people have had experiences that lead them to believe that all men will show sexual interest in them at some point. It's clear from the thread that this isn't the case, so it must be that some women experience this and some women don't. We can only assume that it's to do with different circles women mix in, and hope that if anybody isn't happy with what they have, they'll take responsibility, and choose something different.

It’s sad to think that we should only have friends of the same gender, or any other limitation for that matter. Getting opinions from people who see and experience the world in a different way than we do is invaluable.

Having friends of a different gender can challenge your worldview. They may open your eyes to a different view of life and can offer alternate viewpoints on various life situations that you might not receive from the same sex.

I'd say they're extremely low, actually. I have got on, enjoyed spending time with, got close to and cared for countless people in my life, male and female. A minuscule proportion of those had any sexual component to them!

Do you want to read that back and see what you did? Everyone whose experiences are different to yours asked me for it by mixing in the wrong circles?

Fwiw I don't think you can say it will never happen in your circles anyway, my first experience of it wasn't until I was in my 40s.

@Wahtnow

Do you want to read that back and see what you did

Wow. Do you want to stop making such patronising comments?!

You've totally misunderstood. My point is that it's your responsibility to mix in circles you like.

I didn't say anybody asked for it.

I didn't say that it will never happen in my circles.

Do you want to read it back?

@ChristmasSteps295 reading comprehension poor eh? Weirdly defensive post from you.

The first line of my post: men and women can be friends.

Nobody gives a fuck about bisexual people's relationships.

I do not think it's ok to go on line cinema dates with other women, or go on holiday alone with them. For me and my relationship

Other people don't think men and women should be intimate. For them and their relationship

Nobody cares what you do.

I swear people love to invent fantasies in their mind to get mad about on social media. Geez. So irritating.

this is just my personal opinion, but it sort of gives me an "ick" - to me it implies that the responsibility for keeping those boundaries lies on the woman in these scenarios. I suppose if I was into casual sex (and I cant stress that enough - there is nothing wrong with casual sex, just not my thing) I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable with situations like this

Are you having a particularly bad day? There was no need for the aggro.

If you don't want to go to the cinema with anyone, then don't. But it's not usual to view it as akin to going to a sex dungeon with someone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

And clearly people are interested in what others are doing or we wouldn't be having this discussion at all. You might better demonstrate how little you care by not getting quite so het up though.

Why are you replying to me? Actually why? Understand thy someone has a different opinion and don't misinterpret peoples posts. Goodbye.

I don’t think so.

My best friend is like my brother, the thought of kissing him makes me feel sick. He’s family.

Yes, me too. Isn’t getting close, spending time alone together and caring for one another what friends do? Yes, you feel that in relationships too but with an added layer of sexual attraction. Even if you do start fancying a friend or they you (and I don’t think this is inevitable) most reasonable adults are able to choose whether or not to act on it.

Are you new?

Doesn't the responsibility for keeping boundaries lie with the person whose boundaries they are? If a woman hits on a man who's not interested, it's up to him to tell her so? I wouldn't even use the word "responsibility" in that situation. It's the responsibility of everyone involved, the one making the move and the one having a move made on them, to navigate each other's boundaries with respect and sensitivity.

Yes exactly, there's a weird unspoken assumption on these threads that attraction, or even hypothetical attraction, must be acted on.

I have plenty of male friends who are objectively attractive but for many, varied reasons, even when we were both single, I wouldn't have wanted to actually sleep with them. I find the whole "men and women simply cannot be friends" crew to be simultaneously puritanical and sex-obsessed, in that they cannot conceive of any opposite-sex interaction without an undercurrent of sexual thoughts, and thus have to guard against this 24/7.

They get very flustered about the concept of bisexuality too, as if they can't even imagine socialising with anyone as deviant as that.

I do. In many cases, that thought lasts a microsecond before they're very firmly put in the "ew, no, never," box, but I do think about it when I first meet people. That doesn't mean I'd act on it - and even if they're pleasing to the eye, they can be a great disappointment once they start speaking. Plus many aren't available and then there are very, very many who have put me in their own, "no, never," box.

I have a lot of male friends because of over a quarter century of working in a male-dominated sector. I have slept with some of them over the years. Others are like brothers (I assume; I've never had an actual brother.) Some of them have been married. But it's definitely not all men. I mean, they might have thought about it, but I sometimes think about murdering some people, especially at work... Doesn't mean I've any intention of acting on those thoughts.

Men and women can be friends. I have more male than female.

I'm in a relationship and have had little crushes on other men. I'm sure my oh can say the same. But a certain distance and boundaries are kept in those cases. And tbh, any close activity is reserved for partner or groups

I draw the line at going on holiday alone with another man and especially one I have a little crush on (regardless of whether there is any sex). For most people that's totally inappropriate and seriously pushing it. That absolutely is how affairs can happen, or fantasies that aren't healthy to keep feeding.

And if you think differently that's fine. If you are bisexual, crack on. There are people in this world who are polyamorous and that's their choice. Bisexuality is not some big amazing thing that is dimbos can't cope with.

It's just not our relationship so we have no opinion on what others choose to do.

If you are having a platonic relationship how can you tell whether it is because

They do not fancy you at all to start with

They do fancy you but never really had the guts and/or the opportunity to make a move

They do fancy you, have the guts and the opportunity but decides not to act on it

If you have a crush on him thats not a platonic friendship @MsPloddingBottom

On who? I said I have had crushes, I didn't say that I was friends with anyone who I've had a crush on.

And if I was (which I haven't been) I would maintain appropriate boundaries with that friend.

So, I don't understand your point.