He left me with 4 week old baby

[Darceydoodles]

Me and partner have been together for nearly 11 years. As previous posts it hasn't been going to good the last few months. He was texting someone he worked with In June when I was 4 months pregnant that they loved each other. We decided to try and work through it. Then 2 weeks before my due date he left for 3 days and needed space. Basically went drinking and partying for 3 days. Then a week before I was due he disappeared to the pubs again and told me he didn't need me or have any feelings for me and was just pretending. At this time he was diagnosed woth depression. So we tried again and things seemed to be going in the right direction. He's been trying to have sex with me even though I'm only 4 weeks post partum. Wednesday night he cuddled me all night then tried his luck in the morning and after I said I couldn't he said he would wait until I could. Then 2 hours later he said we were done. There was nothing there for me anymore and he's sock of trying. He told me when I mentioned the baby having my surname a couple of weeks ago that If I did that he would leave me. This was when I thought I was going to be a single parent. He brought that up on Wednesday. We were engaged and he asked me to start wearing my ring again last week. Would tell me he loved me and the baby so much. I don't understand how you can pretend that well. He said I was controlling. Because I said I didn't think he should be going on a golf trip for 3 days with a 6 week old baby. Or I would try and stop him driving after drinking. I would ask who he was texting as he was on his phone all the time. The worst part is he was seen just before I had the baby by my friend driving with a blonde In the car. Turns out the person he was texting is now separated from her husband and she lives where he was seen. He also asked me last week out of the blue, after 11 years and 4 weeks pp why I don't wear matching bra and knickers. I'm just so sad and angry.

Your HV isn't living your life.. Your ds needs you with good mh long before he needs a cunt for a df... Seriously op putting him on the nc won't morph him into a decent man.

Congratulations on your baby OP.
Personally I wouldn’t allow him any unsupervised time without it being set out by courts .
I certainly would be blocking his mother and grandmother if all they can be is supporting his abusive behaviour
What has your solicitor advised re house?
, legal separation , divorce
Are you claiming benefits and CMS?
I would make mortgage company awareand see what they can do to help you.
There are options OP just make sure you exhaust them and don’t just presume you need to leave your home

@Darceydoodles

Would you take medical advice about your baby from a solicitor? No. So don't take legal advice from a Health Visitor. She isn't qualified to give it and, frankly, is talking outside her remit and most likely from her own personal feelings or 'morals'. She should NOT be advising you on anything other than your health and the health of your baby. Her response to your questions about putting him on the BC should be "You really need to speak to a solicitor" just as a solicitor would say "You really need to speak to a health professional" should you ask them questions about breastfeeding or health concerns.

I think it would be a good idea if you were to seek counseling to help you 'build up' your self-confidence and help you to realize that your fear of this man is making you make unwise decisions. I think he's 'beaten you down' so long that you feel that you can't think for yourself. You can! And you must.

Honestly OP, don't take legal advice from your HV.

Change the registration appointment to another day and register baby alone.

Your ex may very well go to court. However, it's not a quick process and it buys you time.

Otherwise, your next posts will be he attended the registration, bullied you into giving his surname and then quite possibly that he's refusing to hand your breastfed newborn back and the police can't help you.

Call Women's Aid and Rights of Women for advice before you register the birth. Take advice from them, not your HV.

Otherwise, your next posts will be he attended the registration, bullied you into giving his surname and then quite possibly that he's refusing to hand your breastfed newborn back and the police can't help you

This is exactly what will happen.

Yep.

I agree with the others. I don’t think when you give the name of the baby to the registry that he’s just going to stay quiet. And as you seem quite an accommodating person who doesn’t want to cause issues you’ll go along with it as you did want to cause a scene. Hope I’m wrong.

As other have said change the date you register the birth and DO NOT put him on. As I said already I did not put my partner on as we were unstable and now we have split up and I’m so relieved that if he ever decided to keep our baby I could call the police and get her back. Mine is an alcoholic so that’s why I have concerns of him having her or keeping her. The surname thing can be changed down the line by you - I put mine and my exes name as my babies surname but I can now freely change that myself without needing his approval to change her surname back to just mine. If he was on the BC he could take her whenever; keep her as long as he wants and change her surname to his

You don't seem to understand the implications of putting this awful man on the birth certificate.

Or maybe you're just sticking your fingers in your ears and singing La La La La La whenever it's mentioned.

Okay, I give up.

OP, you are clearly in a hard place and feel you are being pressured by your ex and his family, it is also clear that you don’t seem to have anyone in real life to support you emotionally through this. I am so sorry about this. You also seem a bit reluctant to take on board the excellent and factually accurate information you have been given on here. (Please re read the whole thread and try to take on board what the overwhelming majority of people are saying.)

So although it sounds mean, I have to say it, it is going to be you stepping up to the plate to defend your child.

Forget about you missing cuddles and your favourite time of year being ruined. You need to get your big girl pants armour on for your child’s sake, for his=safety, and his wellbeing now and in the future.

• change the date for the registration, go alone, register your child with your name.
• contact local domestic abuse groups, find out about the support and especially advice you can get from them
• block your Ex’s family from all contact, and only respond to text messages from him
• Refuse any contact which involves your ex taking the child away from your supervision. Obviously you don’t want him to come to the house given his previous behaviour, but if you feel you need to give him contact with your child arrange to meet him in a public place like a cafe. It would be best to try to get supervised contact in a contact centre but I honestly don’t know how you go about this.

It is not going to be easy, but believe me , if you don’t start acting decisively now things will only escalate in the future.

I've spoken to the health visitor, 2 solicitors, midwife and womens aid and they all advise putting him on the BC. Because he will get himself on it quite easily, they reccomend he is put on it as it sits better in my favour if he starts acting up. He has definitely been with this other woman since May and is I think wanting the money out of the house so he can buy somewhere for him and her and her 2 kids. I honestly just don't know how to feel about the situation any more. He just a horrible human being. How did I not know he could do this afyer being with him for so long, I feel so stupid

@Darceydoodles

I wouldn't care if Moses brought me stone tablets down from Mt Sinai saying 'put him on the bc' I still wouldn't do it. If, as these people say, it's 'so easy' then let him do it himself!

Not putting him on buys you at least a little time to get settled and decide your course of action. Putting him on it puts you at risk of him taking the baby and not returning him. And getting the baby back will NOT be quite as 'easy' (apparently) as him getting his name on the BC.

But you do what you feel is the right thing. Just be aware of the potential consequences.

Are you still going to give the baby your surname? What if he disagrees at the appointment, what will you do?

How did I not know he could do this afyer being with him for so long, I feel so stupid

Aw luv, there are women on here married for decades with teenage or even grown up kids whose husbands have totally and utterly blindsided them by leaving, usually with another woman on the go.
It's not your fault, don't beat yourself up about things you can't control.

So his ow has two kids already? That sounds very simple and chilled, not lol. Have a feeling that won't last either but who knows.

OP, do you understand that if he is on the birth certificate he can take your baby away and refuse to give him back and the police will do NOTHING about it?

If that happens when your baby is a year old it will be bad enough but if it happens now it will be a thousand times worse.

Not putting him on the birth certificate buys you time.

I would not care if God himself came down from heaven, sat down in your living room with a cup of tea and told you to put this man on the birth certificate, you should still not do it.

But I feel like I am shouting at pigeons here. Clearly you are determined to let him attend the appointment tomorrow, give him the legal right to take your baby away, probably be strong armed into giving your baby his surname as well, and then at worst you will be back here in a few weeks' time distraught because he has taken your baby away and is refusing to give him back, and at best in a few years' time you'll be complaining that he won't let you take your child on holiday.

You have NOTHING to gain from putting him on the birth certificate and a lot to lose from doing so.

If he goes to court for parental responsibility, he'll probably get it but there will otherwise be no consequences for you. What do you imagine the consequences would be? A judge isn't going to care that for whatever reason he didn't attend the appointment and get added to the birth certificate straight away because this is something that happens every day. You won't get told off, you won't get punished. All that will happen is that this awful man will get rights to your child months or years down the line, rather than tomorrow when you are still vulnerable and postpartum, deciding on your baby's name, still breastfeeding and your baby is a tiny newborn who needs to be with his mum all the time. It means that you alone get to decide what his name is, you alone have rights to him until whenever his father gets round to going to court, you alone are making decisions such as whether or not he gets vaccinated against whooping cough in a month's time.

By putting him on the birth certificate tomorrow you are just giving him power over you.

Forget about the house. You won't be able to stay there and it's an unrelated issue.

If you think putting him on the birth certificate means he'll be nice and let you stay in the house you are very naive. On the contrary, he'll be saying, "If you don't sell the house and give me my money immediately so I can shack up with my other woman I'll take the baby away and not give him back."

Don't give him this power.

I do not believe that you have been advised by all these individuals to put this cunt on the BC. Especially not Women's Aid. Literally every single person here has told you what the upshot of this will be. Yes he can take you to court but at the moment that could take a considerable amount of time and that is what you need. Time. You need to protect your baby. I'm going to hide this thread because you can only lead a horse to water and it's frustrating and a complete waste of time. You don't want to listen to the very many of us who have been through this. I've had a child taken. The police couldn't help me. However, you do you. I'm sure you will get lots of support from when you come back to say that he and OW have taken your baby and won't bring him back.

She'll give the baby his surname 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP the government guidance on registering births says "The mother can choose to register the birth without the child’s father if they’re not married or in a civil partnership. The father’s details will not be included on the birth certificate."

It is your choice as an unmarried mother. You do not need to disclose why you aren't providing his details.

If you do register him then he will have parental responsibility and you will have to seek his permission for various things throughout the child's life, and he will be able to apply to the court to prevent you from doing certain things (leaving the country for periods of time etc).

If he goes to court for PR he will get it, but that's no skin off your nose and won't cost you everything. As others have said, it will give you time.

I agree with others that you should cancel the registration and go alone in case you are bullied into giving the child a name you don't want to give.

Baby is having my surname. I'm a strong willed person but its hard to ignore what the people are saying who are the people who I would need advice off it anything were to happen regardless of I put him on or he puts himself on

Well good luck getting help from those people in the future when he collects your child so he can give it to his toxic mother to look after whenever he fancies and she never sends his nice clothes back, feeds him inappropriate food and sends him home stinking of cigarette smoke, hope they are around when he says he wants 50/50 parenting rights and access, so won’t be paying maintenance, let’s hope they all make you a nice cup of tea when he says he doesn’t want the child vaccinated, demands to be registered as the other parent at school , is never available for emergencies or school holiday child care, but makes sure he gets the gold dust tickets for him and his gf to watch the nativity play.

🍀you might need this.

The police must get so frustrated having no power to return small dc to their dm's when a cunt is using them as weapons... In your shoes you need the power of the law to return your dc should you need to. Especially at this time of year. No courts will be open should he decide next week he is keeping dc until January..

This.

my ex took our girls on Christmas Eve when they were 9 months old. Courts couldn’t have done anything until mid January. Thankfully he hadn’t bothered his arse to turn up at the appointment (rescheduled on his whim three times) to register them so the police could bring them back.

I really think you must have explained the situation badly - especially to women’s aid - for those people to actively encourage you to put an abusive man on the BC.

Especially at this time of year.

+1 for you must have explained the situation badly.

Putting him on the birth certificate tomorrow means that if he takes your baby away on Tuesday and refuses to give him back, you won't be able to do anything and the police won't be interested.

Why on earth would you take that risk?

Women's Aid actively told you that you should put his name on the birth certificate?

They didn't just say it's your choice or something similar?

They said it was in yours and your child's best interests for this man to be added to the BC when the child is registered?