He left me with 4 week old baby

[Darceydoodles]

Me and partner have been together for nearly 11 years. As previous posts it hasn't been going to good the last few months. He was texting someone he worked with In June when I was 4 months pregnant that they loved each other. We decided to try and work through it. Then 2 weeks before my due date he left for 3 days and needed space. Basically went drinking and partying for 3 days. Then a week before I was due he disappeared to the pubs again and told me he didn't need me or have any feelings for me and was just pretending. At this time he was diagnosed woth depression. So we tried again and things seemed to be going in the right direction. He's been trying to have sex with me even though I'm only 4 weeks post partum. Wednesday night he cuddled me all night then tried his luck in the morning and after I said I couldn't he said he would wait until I could. Then 2 hours later he said we were done. There was nothing there for me anymore and he's sock of trying. He told me when I mentioned the baby having my surname a couple of weeks ago that If I did that he would leave me. This was when I thought I was going to be a single parent. He brought that up on Wednesday. We were engaged and he asked me to start wearing my ring again last week. Would tell me he loved me and the baby so much. I don't understand how you can pretend that well. He said I was controlling. Because I said I didn't think he should be going on a golf trip for 3 days with a 6 week old baby. Or I would try and stop him driving after drinking. I would ask who he was texting as he was on his phone all the time. The worst part is he was seen just before I had the baby by my friend driving with a blonde In the car. Turns out the person he was texting is now separated from her husband and she lives where he was seen. He also asked me last week out of the blue, after 11 years and 4 weeks pp why I don't wear matching bra and knickers. I'm just so sad and angry.

This isn't constructive advice or anything only sympathy. Can't believe anyone could do that

Name change fail?

@Newnamedisguise

I think you've had a name change fail.

But anyways, you really need to contact WA (as a pp pointed out). He's nasty and getting nastier. And if he's going to stop paying the bills, then you definitely need to apply for CMS.

I'm sorry, I don't remember your housing situation. But if you are in a house that is in his name only, you are in a very, very precarious situation. You simply cannot afford to sit still. You have to be very proactive as far as your housing situation goes.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, OP, but there's some positives in here.

He didn't make the registration appointment so he isn't on the birth certificate and doesn't have parental responsibility, right?

This is great news for you. It means he will have to go to court if he wants to be added to the birth certificate and have parental responsibility. Not only does this take time and cost money, but he will not be able to say that he didn't have a chance to attend the appointment because you told him when it was and he didn't show. Keep any evidence you have of this for any court proceedings later down the line. But to be honest I would be surprised if there were any. If he passed up an opportunity to control you and your baby by not attending the appointment even though he knew when it was, is he really going to go to court? Unlikely.

You are going to have to move out of your house eventually, I'm afraid. Unless you can afford to buy him out, there's no way round that.

First things first, can you afford the mortgage and bills if he just stops paying?

In your position I would be looking to get the house on the market as soon as possible but these things take time.

Don't move out unless you feel your safety is at risk.

Just a bit of encouragement for you (I hope) years ago a lady I know was dumped with a very young baby, an affair had been ongoing. Today this lady is happily remarried with own and step children. The baby has grown up into a fine young person who has had nothing to do with the "father" for years.
Love and best wishes to you and your little one xxxx

The house is co owned. He's just cancelled the electricity and gas on Thursday. After being in the house and making odd comments and acting nervous. He hasn't paid anything towards the baby. So I'm paying council tax, half mortgage, gas and electric all that's left is the water with regards to the house. I also pay him half the settee and the full kitchen amount.

I'd stop paying him for the settee and kitchen. Use that towards your utilities.

What's the worst he can do? Take the settee? You'll live. He certainly can't come take the kitchen.

But you really need to see a solicitor and file for CMS now that he's ramped up his actions. And unfortunately you may need to start looking for a new place to live. Because he can take action to force a sale.

@Newnamedisguise

Re the above. I'm assuming that your name is NOT on the settee or kitchen debt. You don't want to ruin your credit at this point.

What did you end up doing about his name on the birth certificate? I know he was a no show, but I don't know if you can put him on the BC if he's not there. You can't where I live.

Stop paying for things other than what keeps you dry and warm. Speak to the mortgage company. Get your name on the utilities. Apply for UC and council tax reduction. Apply to CMS immediately for maintenance. Water can be significantly reduced if you're on a low income. My ex husband did all of this. I spoke to the CAB and got a lot of help. He's trying to push you out of your home and while it is likely that will have to be sold going forward, you need to seek legal advice. Do you drive? Be careful if you do, my ex cancelled the car insurance and didn't tell me. He also committed fraud with OW to put things in my name. You need to be proactive here. He's an absolute piece of shit and you shouldn't have to be dealing with any of this with a newborn. However, he is doing it, so you need to stay one step ahead.

I'm on a part time wage. What's annoying me is the fact that I know I could afford the mortgage and bills myself but I don't have anyone to go on the mortgage with me. He asked to have him for a bit on Xmas day as he was at his dad's for it. Now he's apparently going to be at his grandma's by himself looking after the dog. Strangley hasn't asked for any time with the baby. That's because he's not going to be there. I wish lying was a reason the same as other offenses. He's lying about me at work as well. We work at the same place.

You are now a single parent and a you need to do what I said below. It will give you some security even if it's short term. Of course he's lying, I don't know why you expect anything else. Get on with your Christmas and if you see anybody from work tell them that he's cheated and left you with a newborn and tried to cut off your utilities. Then walk away. Let him take you to court for contact. Get some legal advice sharpish about the house. I promise you with all my heart you will end up better off without him.

It's just so hard to comprehend how he can do this and walk away happy and play happy families with her.

DO NOT put his name on the birth certificate, that means he will have parental responsibility and cause you all kinds of problems!

Take it from me, I am still having hell with my ex, who I left 12 years ago! Keep him away from your kid.

Also, my ex never paid a penny in maintenence despite having PR. So all it means is trouble for you.

Please don't put him on there.

Sorry, OP. Seems he wasn't the man you thought he was.

Do you have family of your own?

But he has. My ex did it too. It's utterly shite. I ended up with PTSD. However, you can have the benefit of my experience and listen to what I'm saying. Concentrate on your baby and the immediate urgency with finances. Don't contact him, keep any communication minimal. Look up the grey rock method. The man is an absolute cunt and he's shown you what he is. Listen to him. Don't get me started on women who think this is ok when there is a newborn in the mix.

Someone who is actively trying to turf the mother of their child out of the joint home at such an early stage of parenthood would not be a good person with whom to be a co parent in the next 18 years ahead. I am relieved you were able to register the birth without him there.

I am coming close to the end of coparenting (youngest DC turns 18 in a few months!). If you have a vindictive difficult ex, it really is like a prison sentence.

edited to add - it sounds like he is under a lot of pressure from his mam rather than a deep desire to be a good parent to their DC. Someone who really loves their DC actively tries to do the right thing by the child’s other parent.

It's hard to comprehend because you are a person with values and ethics. You would never do this. You, as a principled person, would end a relationship if you were no longer happy.

But he is an unprincipled and dishonourable shit who has no ethics. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He's turned vindictive because you are not laying down and allowing him to walk all over you. You are fighting for what you want.

And you must keep fighting. It is very easy to let a feeling of emotional 'paralysis' take over and do nothing because everything seems like such an effort. You can't afford this. You must dig deep and find your anger and your energy. You can do this.

Spend this Christmas and Boxing Day being as peaceful and as relaxed as you can. Then get up on the 27th and get to work

Everything reminds me of him in a way. Some stuff from the good times and some from the very bad. I miss him as an entity but not him as a personality if that makes sense. I think you just get used to the same person over 11 years being there and no one is quite the same. But I know I deserve better and I know my baby deserves me to be at my best, which is without him now. They're welcome to each other. I'll get my time to correct what he's been telling people. He's playing the victim it would seem. Very unhinged.

I doubt many people will be taking what he says at face value, anyway, op. They might nod along at the time, but underneath will be aghast at him for leaving a newborn and thinking he protests too much.

They are all being sucked in by it. Even people who know me well. It's really sad. I'm being painted to be this horrible person and I'm not doing anything wrong.

I know you're exhausted emotionally, but don't let this go on too long. Remember that Nazi saying "Repeat a lie often enough and it becomes the truth". You don't want that to happen.

There is no need to hide his cheating and no reason not to tell your side in simple words. No one will care if you cry doing it. Pick the person most likely to defend you. Then tell them they don't have to keep it secret.

What a practical and supportive post.