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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He left me with 4 week old baby

272 replies

Darceydoodles · 03/12/2023 10:51

Me and partner have been together for nearly 11 years. As previous posts it hasn't been going to good the last few months. He was texting someone he worked with In June when I was 4 months pregnant that they loved each other. We decided to try and work through it. Then 2 weeks before my due date he left for 3 days and needed space. Basically went drinking and partying for 3 days. Then a week before I was due he disappeared to the pubs again and told me he didn't need me or have any feelings for me and was just pretending. At this time he was diagnosed woth depression. So we tried again and things seemed to be going in the right direction. He's been trying to have sex with me even though I'm only 4 weeks post partum. Wednesday night he cuddled me all night then tried his luck in the morning and after I said I couldn't he said he would wait until I could. Then 2 hours later he said we were done. There was nothing there for me anymore and he's sock of trying. He told me when I mentioned the baby having my surname a couple of weeks ago that If I did that he would leave me. This was when I thought I was going to be a single parent. He brought that up on Wednesday. We were engaged and he asked me to start wearing my ring again last week. Would tell me he loved me and the baby so much. I don't understand how you can pretend that well. He said I was controlling. Because I said I didn't think he should be going on a golf trip for 3 days with a 6 week old baby. Or I would try and stop him driving after drinking. I would ask who he was texting as he was on his phone all the time. The worst part is he was seen just before I had the baby by my friend driving with a blonde In the car. Turns out the person he was texting is now separated from her husband and she lives where he was seen. He also asked me last week out of the blue, after 11 years and 4 weeks pp why I don't wear matching bra and knickers. I'm just so sad and angry.

OP posts:
DPotter · 03/12/2023 12:19

His name can only be entered on the birth certificate as the father if he attends with you as you aren't married. So if he doesn't show up on Monday, you either go ahead and register without him names or re-arrange another appointment. I would personally go ahead anyway. You can always add his name later. In fact it might be easier to register with him not there so you can use your surname for the baby without any aggro from him in front of the Registrar.

eandz13 · 03/12/2023 12:20

Try to see it this way OP, would you be sad about losing a bag of steaming dog shit you'd been lugging around for years?

Fuck him, the awful, immature bastard.

category12 · 03/12/2023 12:20

He'll have to come with you to get on the birth certificate if you're not married. Possibly can give you a letter to authorise it, but you can't just put him on.

DPotter · 03/12/2023 12:21

The father has to be physically present to be named on the BC

therealcookiemonster · 03/12/2023 12:21

@Darceydoodles OP I have to echo the other posters. please do not put this vile bastard on the birth certificate. you are setting yourself up for a disaster. CM claim is not made easier by putting him on BC.

therealcookiemonster · 03/12/2023 12:23

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 03/12/2023 11:58

You don't need him on the birth certificate to claim CM. BUT the only reason to exclude a father from a birth certificate is if he's abusive. This guy is a wanker and coercive but it doesn't sound like a typical abusive relationship. The child has a right to have their documents as accurate as possible.

please read the OP again. how is this not abusive?

EyeInTheSky23 · 03/12/2023 12:25

He can, if he can be bothered, try to get parental rights later; don't put it on a plate for him by putting him on the BC.

You're just giving him lots of opportunities to fuck you and your baby around badly. You're giving him power over you and your baby.

Imagine yourself in the position of the Mum on here who didn't know for sure where her young child was and couldn't get access to them, in the space of a matter of mins when he rolled up, lied about a drs appointment and took the child early from school and then withheld them from her. Who knows how it ended, but I wouldn't like to have been in her position for 1 minute, let alone days like she was.

He was another selfish, immoral, indecisive "depressed" cheater.

They are a type.

WYorkshireRose · 03/12/2023 12:28

As others have said, if you go to register the baby alone then you'd need a statutory declaration of parentage signed by him in order for his name to be included on the BC. I wouldn't push the issues, in your shoes.

EyeInTheSky23 · 03/12/2023 12:29

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 03/12/2023 11:58

You don't need him on the birth certificate to claim CM. BUT the only reason to exclude a father from a birth certificate is if he's abusive. This guy is a wanker and coercive but it doesn't sound like a typical abusive relationship. The child has a right to have their documents as accurate as possible.

A. He is abusive.

B. We're so honoured to have the world arbitrator on rules of parental rights and child documentation drop by on Mumsnet. I had no idea such a position existed until you graced us with your presence.

She can make any decision she wants. She's the only, engaged, caring, responsible parent - the only parent with automatic parental rights.

She's being treated appallingly. It's no thanks to him her mental health isn't in pieces. What a way to behave to anyone let alone a woman going through pregnancy, birth and post partum. Which is an extremely challenging time, even with a present supportive, decent partner.

The child has a right not to have a DRINK DRIVING, irresponsible, immoral, indifferent, dishonest father get parental rights to them.

You're either beyond naive. .... Or something else.

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/12/2023 12:33

DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

It will cause you endless problems going forward.

It makes zero difference to CM.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 03/12/2023 12:33

The dc has the right to have a dm with good mental health more than 2 names on a bc. My ds has me on only. He is more than fine.

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 12:40

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 03/12/2023 11:58

You don't need him on the birth certificate to claim CM. BUT the only reason to exclude a father from a birth certificate is if he's abusive. This guy is a wanker and coercive but it doesn't sound like a typical abusive relationship. The child has a right to have their documents as accurate as possible.

In what world is he not abusive?

EyeInTheSky23 · 03/12/2023 12:50

Sorry I actually missed that you found messages from him to another woman telling her he loved her ....and he's been calling you controlling??!!!

Just lol

Seriously.

I'm sorry, but you should have gotten rid of him back then. Or if not then, not gone back with him after he said he didn't love you, has no feelings for you, is just pretending etc.

The depression was used as an excuse but his behaviour around other women is too repeated and consistent. Now he's been seen with another one (or is the one in the car, the one from work?).

You'll get nothing but messed around and pain from him. Get rid and focus on yourself and your little one.

Maybe you'll meet a decent man after a while, if you want, but you need counselling first. After 11 years of this.

Don't have sex with this joker again or at the very least get some 24 carat contraception sorted.

kayla12345 · 03/12/2023 12:51

Child maintenance won't look at the birth certificate if you name him as the father he will have the have a DNA test if he contests it - at his costs! Unless it comes back that he's not the father. Hope you're OK

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 03/12/2023 12:56

I'm sorry to say, I'm in agreement with those advising not to put him on your child's birth cert.
DD is 16 next month, we are STILL dealing with all sorts of shit from it.
Without a court order you will struggle to travel, not least of the concerns.
He will have equal rights, but no more responsibility given to him, or forced upon him should he decide not to pay CMS, or be an actual parent. Those rights he can exercise at any time.

Given the mental abuse you've suffered from him during your pregnancy and in the 4 weeks pp, I'd be concerned about how much abuse he will put you through, given the opportunity given to him through having PR given to him by being on the birth certificate.

He hasn't done right by you, or your child. Don't give him the ability to hurt either of you more

Pmd1 · 03/12/2023 13:00

Why would you ever given this human piece of garbage a 2nd chance. Get the hell away for him. Was he like this before you became pregnant. Also him being a prick is nothing to do with depression.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/12/2023 13:01

The birth certificate is for the CHILD and not for parents to point score or worry about him having parental rights?

He sounds like a right prick for a partner but that doesn’t mean that the baby should grow up wondering who his dad is.

What is wrong with people to even suggest not to put the father on?

Bluetrews25 · 03/12/2023 13:02

The rubbish has taken itself out.

Rejoice.

Canisaysomething · 03/12/2023 13:03

He will be on the birth certificate

This man is the scum of the earth to treat you like he has whilst pregnant and with a tiny newborn. He doesn’t deserve to be on the birth certificate.

Rocksonabeach · 03/12/2023 13:03

Darceydoodles · 03/12/2023 11:49

Thanks for the support. We own an house which he seems keen to put us out of. I think it's so he can get somewhere with the other person. I want proof that there's been someone else. It'll be easier for me to get closure and move on. I'm going to make the appointment on Monday for his registration. He will be on the birth certificate but will have my surname. I just can't get my head around what kind of person leads someone on like he has done and allows me to drop my guard and feel something for him after everything. Then to leave his 4 week old son.

It’s yours and your son - he can whistle. Don’t move - file CMS immediately and don’t put him on the birth certificate. Join new mum groups concentrate on you and just ignore him literally ignore him. He’s a dead beat Dad, a cheater and a liar - just get your midwife and health visitor to support you xx

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2023 13:05

Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/12/2023 13:01

The birth certificate is for the CHILD and not for parents to point score or worry about him having parental rights?

He sounds like a right prick for a partner but that doesn’t mean that the baby should grow up wondering who his dad is.

What is wrong with people to even suggest not to put the father on?

Not being on the birth certificate doesn't mean the baby won't know who his father is.
Especially if the father actually wants a relationship with his son (yeah, right)

@Darceydoodles if you can afford it, get legal advice. He's going to come after your house one way or the other so you need to be fully informed of what to do.
Definitely see what benefits you can claim and get CMS

Do you have family help nearby?
(Oh and keep a record of any texts etc that you get)

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2023 13:06

Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/12/2023 13:01

The birth certificate is for the CHILD and not for parents to point score or worry about him having parental rights?

He sounds like a right prick for a partner but that doesn’t mean that the baby should grow up wondering who his dad is.

What is wrong with people to even suggest not to put the father on?

Not to mention, the father has to be actually present to be on the BC.

He can fuck right off.

EyeInTheSky23 · 03/12/2023 13:07

Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/12/2023 13:01

The birth certificate is for the CHILD and not for parents to point score or worry about him having parental rights?

He sounds like a right prick for a partner but that doesn’t mean that the baby should grow up wondering who his dad is.

What is wrong with people to even suggest not to put the father on?

Congratulations on writing the most foolish post on MN today

That's quite an achievement.

Oh and millions of children know exactly who their fathers are .... (unfortunately in most cases), regardless of whether they're on their BC.

It is not looking at a BC that decides who a child thinks/knows is their father.

BC gives him parental rights - gives him power over op and her child.

Power he can abuse just like he's abused them to date.

He's also a fucking drink driver!!

And you want to give him Parental rights.

Very clever.

Canisaysomething · 03/12/2023 13:12

Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/12/2023 13:01

The birth certificate is for the CHILD and not for parents to point score or worry about him having parental rights?

He sounds like a right prick for a partner but that doesn’t mean that the baby should grow up wondering who his dad is.

What is wrong with people to even suggest not to put the father on?

What are the actual benefits to the child when the dad goes on the birth certificate? The OP can tell her child who the father is. This man has treated a tiny newborn with zero love and compassion.

EyeInTheSky23 · 03/12/2023 13:12

The birth certificate is for the CHILD

It's actually for the PRO/office of national statistics/census.

Dunno where you get your whacky notions from.
I've never looked at my BC until i became an adult and needed it for something or other (passport maybe) .... Still knew who my father was.