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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left me with 4 week old baby

272 replies

Darceydoodles · 03/12/2023 10:51

Me and partner have been together for nearly 11 years. As previous posts it hasn't been going to good the last few months. He was texting someone he worked with In June when I was 4 months pregnant that they loved each other. We decided to try and work through it. Then 2 weeks before my due date he left for 3 days and needed space. Basically went drinking and partying for 3 days. Then a week before I was due he disappeared to the pubs again and told me he didn't need me or have any feelings for me and was just pretending. At this time he was diagnosed woth depression. So we tried again and things seemed to be going in the right direction. He's been trying to have sex with me even though I'm only 4 weeks post partum. Wednesday night he cuddled me all night then tried his luck in the morning and after I said I couldn't he said he would wait until I could. Then 2 hours later he said we were done. There was nothing there for me anymore and he's sock of trying. He told me when I mentioned the baby having my surname a couple of weeks ago that If I did that he would leave me. This was when I thought I was going to be a single parent. He brought that up on Wednesday. We were engaged and he asked me to start wearing my ring again last week. Would tell me he loved me and the baby so much. I don't understand how you can pretend that well. He said I was controlling. Because I said I didn't think he should be going on a golf trip for 3 days with a 6 week old baby. Or I would try and stop him driving after drinking. I would ask who he was texting as he was on his phone all the time. The worst part is he was seen just before I had the baby by my friend driving with a blonde In the car. Turns out the person he was texting is now separated from her husband and she lives where he was seen. He also asked me last week out of the blue, after 11 years and 4 weeks pp why I don't wear matching bra and knickers. I'm just so sad and angry.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 10/12/2023 18:30

Putting him on the birth certificate tomorrow means that if he takes your baby away on Tuesday and refuses to give him back, you won't be able to do anything and the police won't be interested.

What this poster said.

OP do you honestlt understand this?

He will have just as many parental rights as you. Literally exactly the same.

If he's on the BC he can take the baby.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 10/12/2023 18:40

Op if you were strong willed we wouldn't be urging you to do your upmost to keep your dc safe by keeping him off the bc. You will imo now to his demands to see dc before Christmas and will spend the entire festive season hysterical that you can't get your dc back until at least January.. When by he can claim he is now the main carer and dc is settled with him. How could you show a court he isn't correct? After all you named him on the bc and handed dc over willingly..

MargotBamborough · 11/12/2023 08:56

Good morning, OP.

One last try.

Call and reschedule the appointment today. Don't tell him when the new appointment is. Let him go to court for parental responsibility if he cares that much.

Don't give him the legal right to take your baby away.

EyeInTheSky23 · 11/12/2023 09:45

Some of those you've spoken to have advised you it may look better for you - in the event that he seeks PR through court - if you had put him on the BC.

But you have a couple bullets for your gun as to why you felt it was in advisable...... Namely that he went missing on three day drinking benders around the birth, and that you have had to try to prevent him from drink driving.

What were the dates of those incidents. Can you pin point the dates of the drink driving?

You need to note dates if you can and discuss it with HV, Women's aid etc.

You were anxious/had huge reservations about him getting unsupervised access to the baby due to his behaviour around alcohol.

One would think that would affect the judgement of legal authorities re. you not willingly giving him PR. It would certainly affect mine if I were involved in a case.

Make sure it's noted and logged with anyone you speak to, ideally with dates.

He can't prove you wrong, he can say you're lying, you can respond that he's lying. The information will stick in people's minds whether he claims you're lying or not.

FeedMeSantiago · 11/12/2023 11:51

All these people who told you to put this man on the BC - did you explain his abusive behaviour towards you? Did you explain about the dangerous drink driving?

Have you at least reported this awful man to the police for drink driving.

Do you understand that - if on the BC - this man can keep your tiny, breastfed newborn and refuse to return them to you? That the police will be powerless to stop him and you'll need to go to court to get them back and that it could take weeks?

Original poster
Darceydoodles · 15/12/2023 11:53

He knows when the appointment is and I can't change it. How do I get around that? Turns out he has been living another life for at least the whole time I was pregnant all the golf trips and trips to see his brother was with her. He's in a hurry for the house money so he can buy somewhere with her and her kids. He's a liar, manipulator, bully, narcissistic, gaslighter. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I knew something was going on but last night confirmed everything through a friend who had seen him going into her house. The golf trip for 3 days he wanted to go on this weekend is infact a spa trip with her. He went into the loft while I was downstairs waiting for him to take my child for 2 hours to get his swimsuits he even lied about what he was looking for.

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 12:00

Darceydoodles · 15/12/2023 11:53

He knows when the appointment is and I can't change it. How do I get around that? Turns out he has been living another life for at least the whole time I was pregnant all the golf trips and trips to see his brother was with her. He's in a hurry for the house money so he can buy somewhere with her and her kids. He's a liar, manipulator, bully, narcissistic, gaslighter. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I knew something was going on but last night confirmed everything through a friend who had seen him going into her house. The golf trip for 3 days he wanted to go on this weekend is infact a spa trip with her. He went into the loft while I was downstairs waiting for him to take my child for 2 hours to get his swimsuits he even lied about what he was looking for.

Why can't you change it?

You just call them up and say, "I need to change my appointment, what other time slots are available?"

throwawayimplantchat · 15/12/2023 12:47

Darceydoodles · 15/12/2023 11:53

He knows when the appointment is and I can't change it. How do I get around that? Turns out he has been living another life for at least the whole time I was pregnant all the golf trips and trips to see his brother was with her. He's in a hurry for the house money so he can buy somewhere with her and her kids. He's a liar, manipulator, bully, narcissistic, gaslighter. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I knew something was going on but last night confirmed everything through a friend who had seen him going into her house. The golf trip for 3 days he wanted to go on this weekend is infact a spa trip with her. He went into the loft while I was downstairs waiting for him to take my child for 2 hours to get his swimsuits he even lied about what he was looking for.

Or course you can change the appointment, why do you think you can't?

Original poster
Darceydoodles · 15/12/2023 12:58

I've rang today and there isn't any others free before that one. I can't push it back further as it's already a week later

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 13:05

Darceydoodles · 15/12/2023 12:58

I've rang today and there isn't any others free before that one. I can't push it back further as it's already a week later

When is the actual deadline for registering your baby? That is the only real constraint here.

I would call them back and say, "Look, my ex partner is abusive and coerced me into telling him when the appointment was, for my own safety and that of my child I do not want him to be present or to be recorded on the birth certificate so please can you find me another appointment."

Original poster
Darceydoodles · 15/12/2023 13:18

It was last Tuesday. I explained things and they allowed me to change it to Tuesday coming. But he knows about that and since then things havnt improved. His mother told me I am causing my child distress by not providing him with a bottle when he has him. He's 6 weeks old and breastfeeding.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 15/12/2023 13:19

Darceydoodles · 15/12/2023 13:18

It was last Tuesday. I explained things and they allowed me to change it to Tuesday coming. But he knows about that and since then things havnt improved. His mother told me I am causing my child distress by not providing him with a bottle when he has him. He's 6 weeks old and breastfeeding.

You’re not causing your child distress

You can change it again. This time don’t tell him when it is

Please speak to women’s aid again and explain the situation properly to them

category12 · 15/12/2023 13:45

His mother/family will say any old bullshit to get him what he wants. Stop having contact with her.

Breastfeeding child shouldn't be away from mum for long at 6 weeks.

See if you can rearrange the appointment.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/12/2023 15:32

@Darceydoodles

Registering a birth isn't something a parent does where I live. It's all done in hospital and sent to the registrar.

But I can't believe that your local registrar doesn't have procedures for parents with sudden transport problems, illnesses, or as in your case domestic abuse. So what happens if you call 30 minutes beforehand and tell them you're broken down on the side of the road and won't make it? Would you get a new appt and have to pay a 'late fee'? Certainly they can't say "Oh no, you missed your chance, your child will never have a birth certificate". I'm sure there's a way round it, even if you have to stretch the truth a bit.

Main question though, if you are a 'no show' can HE register the birth without you?

category12 · 15/12/2023 15:38

AcrossthePond55 · 15/12/2023 15:32

@Darceydoodles

Registering a birth isn't something a parent does where I live. It's all done in hospital and sent to the registrar.

But I can't believe that your local registrar doesn't have procedures for parents with sudden transport problems, illnesses, or as in your case domestic abuse. So what happens if you call 30 minutes beforehand and tell them you're broken down on the side of the road and won't make it? Would you get a new appt and have to pay a 'late fee'? Certainly they can't say "Oh no, you missed your chance, your child will never have a birth certificate". I'm sure there's a way round it, even if you have to stretch the truth a bit.

Main question though, if you are a 'no show' can HE register the birth without you?

Edited

No, he's got no right to. He would need a written authorisation from OP. Only if they were married would he be able to register the birth without the mum.

There's a 6 week period to register the birth in the UK, after that you might get sent a legal letter about doing it and potentially get a fine (of up to £200 I think) if you don't.

I doubt they'd rush to do that though, if op tries to rearrange.

Raspberrymoon49 · 15/12/2023 16:04

You and your newborn are worth so much more than this, don’t waste your time and emotions tying yourself up in knots trying to work out how he thinks, these people are defective, they’re not wired the same as as decent people, be glad he’s out of your life because there’s so much better to come

Catoo · 15/12/2023 16:52

OP. Please focus on you and baby and not what he’s up to.
Change the appointment. Insist on it being Monday. Say you are at risk.
And don’t tell anyone at all about the new time.
💐

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 15/12/2023 17:22

Ffs block him and his dm. I mean why are you accepting this shit?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 15/12/2023 21:59

He shouldn't be having a newborn breastfed baby without you being with them. Stop giving him your baby. You are your baby's only source of nutrition and any contact he has with baby should be with you there. Your baby doesn't know him. Of course your baby will be distressed when you're not with it. Please think of what is best for your baby, and that is accompanying contact with it's father.

MargotBamborough · 20/12/2023 08:44

How are things, OP?

user1471082124 · 20/12/2023 15:08

Your breast milk supply is potentially at risk if he takes the baby away from you for periods
Protect this supply, any court would support you. Evidence for breast milk is overwhelming. Nipple/teat confusion is a possibility. Sounds stressful for you and your baby. Courts would expect him to prioritise the baby’ needs over his own wishes. Have contact yes but needs to accept that the baby may need a breastfeed during that contact
Dont give up. Your baby is getting the best possible feed. Do NOT let ex’s mother tell you what to do. She does not have your or the baby’s best interests at heart
💐

Newnamedisguise · 20/12/2023 20:11

He didn't make the registration. Said I didn't give time but I did. Then his mam started pestering again. He's asking for half of all bills that he pays. Hasn't paid maintenance. I havnt asked for now with him paying bills as normal. He sent me a an awful text when he missed registration then said he cancelled gas and electric as all I had to do was be civil. I even said I could re register at a later date. Then he told me to be out today as he was going to take everything he had bought. Then and hour later he said he would give 20k to leave the house next week. So I stayed in all day. And declined the money. He was in the house the other day when I wasn't in, getting stuff and my Pillows had been moved, the muslin hanging from my drawers was moved and a knicker drawer was slightly open. Very odd.

throwawayimplantchat · 20/12/2023 20:25

Have you spoken to womens aid @Newnamedisguise?

You need some real life support asap to tackle the next steps.

category12 · 20/12/2023 20:26

He didn't make the registration.
Well that just goes to show how much of a shit he gives really and how much his threats about his rights are worth. He can't be arsed turning up to the appointment and simply blames you instead. This is all about a power play over you and bullying you - and not about access to the baby or having parental responsibility at all.

Stop having contact with his mum: there's no need for you to speak with her.

Put in a claim with the CMS. Speak to a solicitor in the new year.

I don't think staying in the house is a sensible or tenable position, OP - you need to sell up and get your own place so you're not at the mercy of when he decides to turn up and go through your things.

rockstarshoes · 20/12/2023 20:32

Think you've had a name change fail there!

Please stop pandering to him! Don't put him on the birth certificate! Tell him to do one!