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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left me with 4 week old baby

272 replies

Darceydoodles · 03/12/2023 10:51

Me and partner have been together for nearly 11 years. As previous posts it hasn't been going to good the last few months. He was texting someone he worked with In June when I was 4 months pregnant that they loved each other. We decided to try and work through it. Then 2 weeks before my due date he left for 3 days and needed space. Basically went drinking and partying for 3 days. Then a week before I was due he disappeared to the pubs again and told me he didn't need me or have any feelings for me and was just pretending. At this time he was diagnosed woth depression. So we tried again and things seemed to be going in the right direction. He's been trying to have sex with me even though I'm only 4 weeks post partum. Wednesday night he cuddled me all night then tried his luck in the morning and after I said I couldn't he said he would wait until I could. Then 2 hours later he said we were done. There was nothing there for me anymore and he's sock of trying. He told me when I mentioned the baby having my surname a couple of weeks ago that If I did that he would leave me. This was when I thought I was going to be a single parent. He brought that up on Wednesday. We were engaged and he asked me to start wearing my ring again last week. Would tell me he loved me and the baby so much. I don't understand how you can pretend that well. He said I was controlling. Because I said I didn't think he should be going on a golf trip for 3 days with a 6 week old baby. Or I would try and stop him driving after drinking. I would ask who he was texting as he was on his phone all the time. The worst part is he was seen just before I had the baby by my friend driving with a blonde In the car. Turns out the person he was texting is now separated from her husband and she lives where he was seen. He also asked me last week out of the blue, after 11 years and 4 weeks pp why I don't wear matching bra and knickers. I'm just so sad and angry.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 06/12/2023 16:47

Darceydoodles · 06/12/2023 12:04

He's now pushing to take my son from me for hours on end. Even though I brestfeed him. Is there someone I can cell to help me?

DON'T PUT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

Tell him if he wants access to apply to the court. He would get very very limited access with a breastfed child. Cafcass need to be involved so that you can document the abuse. You need to take control here OP! Have you applied for UC?

category12 · 06/12/2023 16:57

Do you have supportive family of your own at all?

If you have decent family, I would recommend you go to them and stay with them. Fuck the house.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 06/12/2023 17:01

Handing over your baby to appease him won't stop the abuse you are getting.. It will get worse as his demands get higher.

Nowherenew · 06/12/2023 20:31

Darceydoodles · 06/12/2023 12:04

He's now pushing to take my son from me for hours on end. Even though I brestfeed him. Is there someone I can cell to help me?

Change the locks and tell him no.

Tell him that taking a BF 4 week old baby away from their BF mum for hours is extremely negligent and cruel.
And because he obviously is not looking out for baby’s best interests, then he needs to set up a contact centre to see him or go to court and set one up that way.

Do not let him bully you into this.
He is not doing what is right for the baby and therefore you cannot give him into him.

Contact centre or nothing.

Catoo · 06/12/2023 23:30

OP please listen to the advice on here. I think you still hope he’ll come back so you aren’t getting serious about helping yourself and DC. You are still hanging on to his every word.

Don't take him with you when you register birth. I know you think that if you give DC his surname he might come back and you’ll be a happy family. He won’t. Even if he’s hinted at that, he won’t.

Give baby your family’s surname so he feels part of the family raising him.

I would take the advice of people saying leave him off BC. DC will still know who father is and it can always be added later.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/12/2023 23:38

@Darceydoodles

I think it's imperative that you get the birth registered (WITHOUT his name) as soon as possible. If he's going to play games using the baby as a weapon then you need solid proof right now that he has no parental responsibility. If he takes you to court to establish it down the line, worry about that then. You need to protect yourself AND your baby right now and the BC without his name on it is probably the 'fastest' thing you can get in your hands.

At this point since there is no court order for access you don't 'have' to let him see the baby at all. You don't even have to speak to him. I suggest you create an email address specifically for him to use to email you. Tell him that you will not answer the phone to him nor respond to any text messages from him. All communications re the baby are to be by email only. That way you'll have his demands in writing and you will have some time to ponder them before responding.

I know he's made you believe that you must do what he says, that he has some magical 'power' that makes what he wants 'the law of the land'. But that's not true. You can say no to him and there won't be much he can do about it other than take you to court for a written access order, which honestly may be no bad thing in the end. But that's for another day. If you don't want to let him take the baby, you do not have to.

Be brave. I know you have 'mother courage' deep within you, all mums do. I know that if a tiger came into your room you would be able to grab your baby and run like you've never run before to get your baby to safety. But he's not a tiger with teeth and claws. He's just a waste of space with a big mouth. No need to run from him. Just stand tall and say 'no'.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/12/2023 18:08

My ex left me just before baby was born after similar confusing behaviors (proposing to me and then a few weeks later telling me he found my personality to unattractive to have sex with me but also
Wanting to buy a house with me etc etc)

Give the baby your surname I beg you. I did. I also didn't put him on the birth certificate. Just go by yourself to register baby's birth.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/12/2023 18:10

Child. Maintenance and the birth certificate have nothing to do with each other

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/12/2023 18:14

Listen to everyone here and be careful. I’d definitely make it as hard as possible

FeedMeSantiago · 07/12/2023 19:24

OP please please speak to Women's Aid and Rights of Women for advice.

Don't put him on the BC. It buys you time. Him saying he will go to court and him actually going to court are two different things. Even if he does get himself added later, you've bought yourself some time.

Let him go to Court re: access. No judge will separate a newborn from its mother, breastfed or not. The fact he wants to remove his breastfed newborn from you for hours on end shows he doesn't have your child's best interests at heart. He won't be granted substantial access or overnight until your child is older.

You need to build a picture of his abusive attitude to you and your child. Speaking to agencies for advice achieves this as well as giving you support. You should also flag this issue and its impact on your health to your GP and health visitor. Get smart, create a paper trail. You may need it later.

Finally, report the drink driving. He's a danger to other road users. He's a danger to your child - do you want your baby being driven by a drunk driver?

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 07/12/2023 20:08

I reported my ex for drink driving. Best thing ever. He lost his licence for a year.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/12/2023 20:20

Oh I’m so sorry
but he’s a proper proper cxxt isn’t he
disgusting man

and you will in the longer run be so much better without him

but that’s hard to imagine now all tired and post baby

but you will be strong (and have dips ) and anyone who does this … better off without him
10000000%

Chelsea543 · 07/12/2023 21:14

My partner is not on the birth certificate - he doesn’t know it but I didn’t know if he’d stick around so I wanted to protect me and the baby. I didn’t want to give him rights to our child’s schooling and other aspects if he’s not around. I have the only copies of the BC as you would have so you don’t need to inform him. If he wants to go down the route of putting himself on then he can in time.

Again if he’s not on the birth certificate this will slow down his ability to gain access to the baby. I’d never stop a dad seeing their child unless the child is with someone irresponsible like your partner. Also as your bf it’s just not possible for you to be apart from the baby unless in time you need the break and he can have him.

Hope you have some family or friend support as it’s so tough having a baby and coping on your own.

Original poster
Darceydoodles · 08/12/2023 00:23

So I've spoken to the HV she said I'd be better off putting him on BC for my son. She said he wouldn't have a leg to stand on for anymore than the contact I'm offering, Tues and Thurs 4-6. She said I could go down the abuse road of I wanted to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Darceydoodles · 08/12/2023 00:25

I don't need to wonder if he'll do court as he will. 100%. As for the registration he knows when it is. He will not be having his surname. It will be mine.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 08/12/2023 00:40

As for the registration he knows when it is.

You could very easily change it if you wanted to.

Your on for at least 18 years of stress with him. I hope he changes and becomes a half decent man, but given his family background that seems unlikely.

Focus on your baby and yourself. You're still a very new man and need support, not him harrasing you.

If you have family, consider staying with them for a couple of weeks, or could you have any of them come to you. You need rest and support.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/12/2023 02:15

@Darceydoodles

I don't think you understand. If he is on the BC and there is no access agreement he can take the baby and not give him back to you unless he feels like it. You'd have to go to court to get the baby back. If he is NOT on the BC he has no right to take the baby and the police would make him give him back. He then would have to go to court to prove paternity and have an access agreement drawn up. Once the agreement is drawn up he and you will have to abide by it. If he tried to keep the baby he would have to give him back.

So, let him take you to court. And do NOT let him take the baby out of your sight until there is a court child arrangements order.

RadRad · 08/12/2023 06:58

Darceydoodles · 08/12/2023 00:23

So I've spoken to the HV she said I'd be better off putting him on BC for my son. She said he wouldn't have a leg to stand on for anymore than the contact I'm offering, Tues and Thurs 4-6. She said I could go down the abuse road of I wanted to.

You should get legal advice OP, so that you are clear on ALL possible outcomes for you and your baby if he’s on the BC, the HVs are not experts by any stretch l. It sounds like you are dead set on putting him on though, so you do whatever you feel you gotta do but bear all advice here in mind.

monsteramunch · 08/12/2023 09:16

AcrossthePond55 · 08/12/2023 02:15

@Darceydoodles

I don't think you understand. If he is on the BC and there is no access agreement he can take the baby and not give him back to you unless he feels like it. You'd have to go to court to get the baby back. If he is NOT on the BC he has no right to take the baby and the police would make him give him back. He then would have to go to court to prove paternity and have an access agreement drawn up. Once the agreement is drawn up he and you will have to abide by it. If he tried to keep the baby he would have to give him back.

So, let him take you to court. And do NOT let him take the baby out of your sight until there is a court child arrangements order.

Please please read this OP.

If you put him on the BC without going through the court process, he has equal parental responsibilities to you.

Meaning he can literally take her during a visit and refuse to give her back until you get the police involved and then it's a tricky thing to navigate as on paper you have no more rights than him re the baby. Do you understand that? It's important you do if you choose to go ahead and add him to the BC right now. Doing so literally means you have no more rights than him as a parent.

Once you go through the court process however, you can agree an official contact arrangement.

Yeahno · 08/12/2023 10:12

Look, with a man like this you will end up in court one way or another or you will be bending over backwards to prevent it. Your child is only one month old, you've got 18 years to go. Let him take you to court now or you will be threatened with court at every disagreement. Do not put him on the BC.

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/12/2023 10:22

Darceydoodles · 08/12/2023 00:23

So I've spoken to the HV she said I'd be better off putting him on BC for my son. She said he wouldn't have a leg to stand on for anymore than the contact I'm offering, Tues and Thurs 4-6. She said I could go down the abuse road of I wanted to.

It's frustrating reading your posts OP. The sodding HV has absolutely zero qualifications to give you that sort of advice. Why aren't you listening? Why are you putting your child at risk? You're hell bent on putting him on the certificate it seems. You do what you want but it's not the right choice in your circumstances. You say you've seen a family solicitor, yet the advice you say they gave is absolutely completely wrong. A LOT of us have been in your shoes or have been through the court system. Yet you're not listening 🤷🏻‍♀️

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/12/2023 11:41

With all due respect @Darceydoodles your HV is NOT qualified to give you legal advice OR to give you professional advice on this. There are many women on this thread who have been in your position and have sought legal advice and are trying to help you. You are putting yourself and your baby in a very vulnerable position by putting him on the BC immediately. You could lose your baby. For goodness sake please listen to the women on here who have experience of this. HV's give out all kinds of shit advice, they are quite literally renowned for it.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 08/12/2023 11:48

If you’ve got the attitude that you want to avoid court at all costs then you’re just going to be a doormat because the next thing he wants he’s just going to threaten court and you’re just going to give it to him. You come across as weak when you don’t have to be. I’m not trying to be mean just truthful. There are lots of good points being made but you’re ignoring them.

HV give advice on babies and children and not legal advice. You might as well have said the man down the pub told you to put him on the BC.

MargotBamborough · 08/12/2023 11:50

Darceydoodles · 08/12/2023 00:25

I don't need to wonder if he'll do court as he will. 100%. As for the registration he knows when it is. He will not be having his surname. It will be mine.

OP, the big advantage of making him go to court to get put on the birth certificate is that it is a slow process and during the period he does not have parental responsibility he cannot take your newborn baby away and refuse to give him back.

The health visitor has no legal qualifications and has fuck all value to add here.

Tombero · 08/12/2023 12:03

Darceydoodles · 08/12/2023 00:25

I don't need to wonder if he'll do court as he will. 100%. As for the registration he knows when it is. He will not be having his surname. It will be mine.

So ring and change the appointment and don’t tell him when it is.