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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left me with 4 week old baby

272 replies

Darceydoodles · 03/12/2023 10:51

Me and partner have been together for nearly 11 years. As previous posts it hasn't been going to good the last few months. He was texting someone he worked with In June when I was 4 months pregnant that they loved each other. We decided to try and work through it. Then 2 weeks before my due date he left for 3 days and needed space. Basically went drinking and partying for 3 days. Then a week before I was due he disappeared to the pubs again and told me he didn't need me or have any feelings for me and was just pretending. At this time he was diagnosed woth depression. So we tried again and things seemed to be going in the right direction. He's been trying to have sex with me even though I'm only 4 weeks post partum. Wednesday night he cuddled me all night then tried his luck in the morning and after I said I couldn't he said he would wait until I could. Then 2 hours later he said we were done. There was nothing there for me anymore and he's sock of trying. He told me when I mentioned the baby having my surname a couple of weeks ago that If I did that he would leave me. This was when I thought I was going to be a single parent. He brought that up on Wednesday. We were engaged and he asked me to start wearing my ring again last week. Would tell me he loved me and the baby so much. I don't understand how you can pretend that well. He said I was controlling. Because I said I didn't think he should be going on a golf trip for 3 days with a 6 week old baby. Or I would try and stop him driving after drinking. I would ask who he was texting as he was on his phone all the time. The worst part is he was seen just before I had the baby by my friend driving with a blonde In the car. Turns out the person he was texting is now separated from her husband and she lives where he was seen. He also asked me last week out of the blue, after 11 years and 4 weeks pp why I don't wear matching bra and knickers. I'm just so sad and angry.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 06/12/2023 10:44

Darceydoodles · 06/12/2023 10:20

So he said he would pay the usual bills that he pays December and January. Then he wants to be off the mortgage. He knows I can't afford it myself so he's putting us out of a home. He's pushing to see him and take him for a few hours. How can I stop this? He's already said if he isn't on BC he'll take it straight to court so it's inevitable that he'll be on it

You really need some legal advice. Let him take you to court. He's a bullying abuser.

TheShellBeach · 06/12/2023 11:23

He cuddled me every night before he left. I miss the company and cuddles

I promise you that you're better off without cuddles from a man like this.

When I left my violent and abusive husband, I missed his company, although reading that back to myself now, I can see how ridiculous it sounds.

I remarried about five years later, and have been very happy since then.

Give it time. There are plenty of much nicer men around.

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2023 11:31

Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/12/2023 13:14

@EyeInTheSky23

Get a grip honestly.

The baby won’t be a child forever will it? The rest of his life has to have a birth certificate with no father on it because posters on mumsnet decided from 1 post that he shouldn’t have his parental rights … come on.

The OP seems to have her head screwed on luckily and wants to put her child 1st.

And yes he will have to be there to do this which is another issue.

I’m pretty sure OP knows this man well enough after 11 years to have a child with him to know if he would be a safe Dad or not.

Oh yes.

Long term partners/OH never turn out to be deadbeat dads or abusing arseholes.

Not ever...

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2023 11:34

Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/12/2023 14:46

@Emeraldsanddiamonds

Not low bar I was going by what was written - this all started 6 months ago she hasn’t said anything about what type of man he was prior to this all happening.

The update was after what I had said, I just think OP needs to have support and different perspectives, like someone’s said no offensive to her but he’s done this this and this ..

He’s having contact with the baby she’s allowing it so I don’t understand why he wouldn’t be ok to be on BC if she feels he’s abusive but he’s allowed the baby - that I thought he had walked out on? And now he’s allowed to see baby without OP there, if I’m reading that right.

I don't know how many dreadful things he has to do in your eyes to before you change your opinion

The baby will know their father (if he sticks around)

The father does not deserve parental rights.

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2023 11:37

Darceydoodles · 04/12/2023 00:41

I just feel really sad that he's ruined my favourite time of the year for me and my baby. I've told him I'll be in touch about when he can see him next. His mam is constantly texting as well. I've told her I need time to get used to being left alone and in turmoil

Block his mother.

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2023 11:38

Darceydoodles · 04/12/2023 11:35

Apparent the only reason I would be able to not put him on the BC is if I can prove he is abusive or isn't the dad

Or you go on your own to register!

Please listen to what people are saying!

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2023 11:40

Darceydoodles · 04/12/2023 15:48

She said that it would mean he would have to go to court to get it put on and that means doing a dna test on my baby. I don't want to be dragged through courts, which he would do, and I dont want my baby to go through that either so which ever was he will more than likely end up on it. I feel awful, just so sad. I find nights really hard. He cuddled me every night before he left. I miss the company and cuddles.

If he's in prison for drunk driving he won't be making any applications for anything...

He's a loser. You need the minimum amount of contact.

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2023 11:43

Darceydoodles · 04/12/2023 15:57

Yeah he has an awful family. They use things you say and twist them. His mams already had a go at me about the second name 3 hours after he left me and baby. The grandma is even worse. I'm sure she's telling him what to type with messages. So there's no doubt he will take it further. He'll also kick us out of the house or make us sell up. It's my babys home though. I want to be in it

He can't kick you out of your home

He can force a sale but could you afford to pay the mortgage on your own?

Have you applied for maintenance yet?

And block his entire family! He's the only one you need to have (minimal) contact with

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 06/12/2023 11:43

You need to block them all before your mh is trashed op. You and your name on birth certificate.. Yabu to even contemplate handing your baby to that man or his family right now. They ll need to calm down before there is any contact. Your solicitor was xra to put it mildly. I work for a barrister and she advises you leave him off. He can take you to court.. Let him kick off to a judge and see how far he goes seeing your dc.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 06/12/2023 11:45

As much as he’s a shitty person, I don’t believe it’s right to deny your child their father’s name in the birth certificate. You need to separate out what he’s doing to you and not weaponise your baby as posters are suggesting.

if you can’t afford the house though op, you do need to move. You can’t expect him to keep funding it for you to live there, I am sorry.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 06/12/2023 11:46

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 06/12/2023 11:43

You need to block them all before your mh is trashed op. You and your name on birth certificate.. Yabu to even contemplate handing your baby to that man or his family right now. They ll need to calm down before there is any contact. Your solicitor was xra to put it mildly. I work for a barrister and she advises you leave him off. He can take you to court.. Let him kick off to a judge and see how far he goes seeing your dc.

The judge will just order dna test and he will be on bc very quickly, it doesn’t even cost much to do the whole thing.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 06/12/2023 11:50

Op. Is the mortgage in both names?

you need to speak to your mortgage provider. As if you can’t pay alone and he requests to come off as he says he will, they will force a sale, and repayment of the outstanding monies owed.

therealcookiemonster · 06/12/2023 11:54

@Darceydoodles would you consider a lodger to help with the mortgage?

RadRad · 06/12/2023 12:00

Darceydoodles · 06/12/2023 10:20

So he said he would pay the usual bills that he pays December and January. Then he wants to be off the mortgage. He knows I can't afford it myself so he's putting us out of a home. He's pushing to see him and take him for a few hours. How can I stop this? He's already said if he isn't on BC he'll take it straight to court so it's inevitable that he'll be on it

Let him take you to court, so that you can tell the judge how he jeopardises the wellbeing of his son by taking the roof over his head, this is all bark to scare you by the way. I wouldn’t put him on the BC, you are creating a world of pain for yourself in the future if you did that, based on his behaviour so far. He’s a nasty piece of work, to treat you like that.

Original poster
Darceydoodles · 06/12/2023 12:04

He's now pushing to take my son from me for hours on end. Even though I brestfeed him. Is there someone I can cell to help me?

OP posts:
RadRad · 06/12/2023 12:12

Contact Womens Aid right now, this is abuse and should stop, who does he think he is??

therealcookiemonster · 06/12/2023 12:24

Darceydoodles · 06/12/2023 12:04

He's now pushing to take my son from me for hours on end. Even though I brestfeed him. Is there someone I can cell to help me?

this is why it's important to keep him off the BC. because he is an abusive shit.

only communicate with him via text and keep screenshots. this way when it comes to the parenting rights hearing, you have evidence that he doesn't have your baby's best interests in heart. just because he applies to the court for parenting rights, doesn't mean he will get it!

MargotBamborough · 06/12/2023 12:45

Darceydoodles · 06/12/2023 10:20

So he said he would pay the usual bills that he pays December and January. Then he wants to be off the mortgage. He knows I can't afford it myself so he's putting us out of a home. He's pushing to see him and take him for a few hours. How can I stop this? He's already said if he isn't on BC he'll take it straight to court so it's inevitable that he'll be on it

It's not inevitable at all.

What he says he will do and what he will actually do when the chips are down are not necessarily the same.

So what if he applies to the court to have himself added to the birth certificate?

You'll still be in a better position than you would be if he accompanied you to the appointment in the first place and had an opportunity to twist your arm about the surname. You won't have lost anything.

If he wants to get you out of the house he'll do it regardless of whether he's on the birth certificate or not. But bear in mind that if he is on the mortgage and he doesn't pay and you get into arrears as a result, he'll be fucking up his own credit rating as well as yours, so it isn't cost free for him.

MargotBamborough · 06/12/2023 12:47

Darceydoodles · 06/12/2023 12:04

He's now pushing to take my son from me for hours on end. Even though I brestfeed him. Is there someone I can cell to help me?

Help yourself.

Don't put him on the birth certificate. Let him go to court if he's not happy about it.

As others have said, if he's on the birth certificate and he takes your baby away from you and refuses to give him back, the police will say it is a civil matter and you'll have to go back to court to get your baby back.

If he's not on the birth certificate he has no rights to your child at all and if he takes him away the police will get involved because that would be considered kidnapping.

MargotBamborough · 06/12/2023 13:07

To all the posters on this thread saying the baby deserves to have his dad on the birth certificate, REALLY?

This is a man who has cheated on his partner, been emotionally abusive towards her, tried to coerce her into unwanted sex at four weeks postpartum and then abandoned her and his newborn baby when he didn't get his own way, is currently trying to coerce her into giving their baby his surname and being separated from him for hours on end, and engages in dangerous and illegal behaviour such as drink driving.

If he is named on the birth certificate he will have the right to take this baby away from his mother, who will have to go through the court system to get him back because the police won't get involved if the father has parental responsibility. This would most likely cause enormous and lasting psychological trauma to both the mother and the baby.

Would you entrust your newborn baby to such a person if you didn't have to? REALLY?

EyeInTheSky23 · 06/12/2023 13:50

Darceydoodles · 06/12/2023 12:04

He's now pushing to take my son from me for hours on end. Even though I brestfeed him. Is there someone I can cell to help me?

Try women's aid.

Also "rights of women"

EyeInTheSky23 · 06/12/2023 13:52

Getthethrowonthesofa · 06/12/2023 11:45

As much as he’s a shitty person, I don’t believe it’s right to deny your child their father’s name in the birth certificate. You need to separate out what he’s doing to you and not weaponise your baby as posters are suggesting.

if you can’t afford the house though op, you do need to move. You can’t expect him to keep funding it for you to live there, I am sorry.

Somebody's weaponising this baby; but it's not the op.

No decent father would push for time like this with a new born who's breast feeding or at all. Especially in these circumstances. Circumstances he'd created.

But then no decent person would acted how he's actors towards the op.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 06/12/2023 14:59

So far he has contributed 1 sperm.. Op has been there 24 /7. And people are saying but he has rights. That baby needs him kept far away from him. Any df who is prepared to remove a dc from it's dm and food source is a class A cunt.

oakleaffy · 06/12/2023 15:51

@Darceydoodles Try and keep the house if you possibly can.
When my husband left, I got two lodgers in
It wasn’t perfect, but it enabled me to keep house .
I had no maintenance either
I was later able to buy ex husband out years later.
Keeping a house is so important.

You definitely don’t want to be renting with a small baby or child…

It’s really tough being abandoned with a young one.
Your poor son.
But- you will survive.

👍

ReadingSoManyThreads · 06/12/2023 16:39

YOU are the one in control here.

He's bullying you and threatening you in order to scare you into doing what he tells you. STOP listening to him.

DO NOT hand your breastfed baby over to him. If you want him to see the baby, then he comes to meet you and you and baby stay together while he's there. Any 'father' who wants his baby separated from his only food source is a cunt.

DO NOT but him on BC. Do everything you can to protect yourself and your baby from him.