He left me with 4 week old baby

[Darceydoodles]

Me and partner have been together for nearly 11 years. As previous posts it hasn't been going to good the last few months. He was texting someone he worked with In June when I was 4 months pregnant that they loved each other. We decided to try and work through it. Then 2 weeks before my due date he left for 3 days and needed space. Basically went drinking and partying for 3 days. Then a week before I was due he disappeared to the pubs again and told me he didn't need me or have any feelings for me and was just pretending. At this time he was diagnosed woth depression. So we tried again and things seemed to be going in the right direction. He's been trying to have sex with me even though I'm only 4 weeks post partum. Wednesday night he cuddled me all night then tried his luck in the morning and after I said I couldn't he said he would wait until I could. Then 2 hours later he said we were done. There was nothing there for me anymore and he's sock of trying. He told me when I mentioned the baby having my surname a couple of weeks ago that If I did that he would leave me. This was when I thought I was going to be a single parent. He brought that up on Wednesday. We were engaged and he asked me to start wearing my ring again last week. Would tell me he loved me and the baby so much. I don't understand how you can pretend that well. He said I was controlling. Because I said I didn't think he should be going on a golf trip for 3 days with a 6 week old baby. Or I would try and stop him driving after drinking. I would ask who he was texting as he was on his phone all the time. The worst part is he was seen just before I had the baby by my friend driving with a blonde In the car. Turns out the person he was texting is now separated from her husband and she lives where he was seen. He also asked me last week out of the blue, after 11 years and 4 weeks pp why I don't wear matching bra and knickers. I'm just so sad and angry.

He's a horrible person op and know this - it will never change!
Ever.

Do not let him back into your life.

He's vile. He should have been kicked out the moment you caught him sending love texts to someone else when you were 4 months pregnant.

The things is, YOU need to respect you.
Now he's gone it might be easier to develop this.
Because he's treated you atrociously and time and time again you've- gave him more chances!

Stop giving chances to people who disrespect you. Who treat you with cruelty and contempt.

Choose yourself in future.

Lol 'Prove he's abusive' to whom exactly? The birth certificate fairies? You don't have to put his name on it if you don't want to.

He might chase it up himself but leave it to him.

But whatever you do, absolutely give the child your surname.

https://www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/money-and-benefits/how-register-your-babys-birth

Just a bit of googling will show you your solicitor either advised you badly or you misunderstood @Darceydoodles

"If you’re married, either you or your partner can give the registrar the information they need to register your baby’s birth. They can include both parents’ details if you’re married.

If you’re not married, the mother can choose to register the birth without the child’s father. In this case, the father’s name would not be included on the birth certificate but may be added later by completing an application for the re-registration of a child’s birth.

If you’re not married:

• Mum can provide all the information to the registrar.
• Dad can provide the information but only if he has the agreement of mum. This agreement must be given by signing a declaration. The dad must also sign a declaration.
• If both parents sign the birth register together, both parents’ details can be included in the birth certificate, so dad will automatically get parental rights and responsibilities for the child.
• Details of both parents can be included if one parent completes a statutory declaration of parentage form or a court order giving dad the parental responsibility. The mum takes this to register the birth."

She said that it would mean he would have to go to court to get it put on and that means doing a dna test on my baby. I don't want to be dragged through courts, which he would do, and I dont want my baby to go through that either so which ever was he will more than likely end up on it. I feel awful, just so sad. I find nights really hard. He cuddled me every night before he left. I miss the company and cuddles.

He's a loser. You don't want or need him. Give the baby your surname. Put in a claim for child maintenance immediately. Ask him to leave. You won't be happy with him forever wondering who he's shagging next. You're too good for him so throw him back. Concentrate on your new baby. The baby will give you unconditional love.

He could go to court to get put on the birth certificate if he really wanted to, but he might not bother.

If he is on the birth certificate he can be an absolute pain in the arse. He can stop you from vaccinating your baby against childhood illnesses or refuse to consent to you taking your child abroad on holiday.

And in order to have him on the birth certificate from the outset he will need to be at the appointment, since I can't imagine him providing you with a signed statement. That means he'll get an opportunity to twist your arm about the surname at a time when you are clearly vulnerable.

Whilst you ultimately can't stop him from going to court to get himself put on the birth certificate if he is really determined, your life will be much easier if he isn't on it. Why make it easier for him to make things difficult for you?

A DNA test only involves a cheek swab.

“Dragged through the courts” sounds like you’d get a rough time but it would be very matter of fact. And you’re so sure he would take it to court but he’s not made much effort with you and child so I wouldn’t be so sure. And if he does go to court and gets the name on the birth certificate you’re not any worse off.

This. It is really quite a simple process.

A DNA test is only necessary if one of you disputes that he is the father.

So for the purposes of maintenance, if he's not on the birth certificate and you put in a claim for maintenance and he refuses to pay, claiming not to be the baby's father, the court will order a DNA test to prove whether he is the father or not and if he is he will have to pay maintenance. If he doesn't dispute being the father, no DNA test will be necessary.

For the purposes of parental responsibility, if he's not on the birth certificate and he wants to be, he will have to go to court for a parental responsibility order, which would most likely be granted allowing for an updated birth certificate to be issued with his name on it. If you claim that he is not the father and he says that he is, again, the court will order a DNA test to check whether he is the father or not and if he is, he will be allowed to apply for parental responsibility.

But for all he is kicking off now, in reality he might not bother, in which case your life will be easier.

Yeah he has an awful family. They use things you say and twist them. His mams already had a go at me about the second name 3 hours after he left me and baby. The grandma is even worse. I'm sure she's telling him what to type with messages. So there's no doubt he will take it further. He'll also kick us out of the house or make us sell up. It's my babys home though. I want to be in it

As pps have said, it would only go to court and DNA tests if you contested it.

IF he applies to the court, you just agree and he then gets added. No DNA test, no court appearances, all done.

If he doesn't bother, then you're the only one with PR.

Lots of these sort of men threaten all sorts but don't actually go through with it.

@Darceydoodles block their numbers, you don't need to take shit from them.

Piling on you when you're going through this is utterly abhorrent.

You might not be able to stay in your house. If the two of you own it together then unless one of you can afford to buy the other out you will need to sell it so you can both get your cash out. I would expect that process to take a while so it's not an immediate worry, but you should probably start thinking about what you will do.

It is, however, completely unrelated to the issue of him being on the birth certificate or what surname you give your baby.

It sounds like he will be a dick either way, so it's not as if putting him on the birth certificate or giving the baby his surname will make him suddenly start playing nice or make it more likely that you get to stay in your house.

Why on earth are you getting messages from his family though? Block the whole bloody lot of them! Change your phone number if you have to.

He'll also kick us out of the house or make us sell up. It's my babys home though. I want to be in it

I can understand you need somewhere to live, but staying keeps you at his mercy.

The baby doesn't care where he/she lives, he/she just needs a place and you.

Can you afford to buy him out and then pay the mortgage? If not, wouldn't it be better to get your own place where he doesn't get a say? Your baby honestly won't care, although I can see it might be a wrench for you if you love the house.

@Darceydoodles OP it's normal to feel confused, alone and all mixed up given what you are going through.

you are prioritising potential, hypothetical problems over more immediate problems.

if you don't put him on the bc, he MIGHT fight it in court. that's his problem. it won't affect the baby. either way, it will take months given how backed up the courts are, probably longer. if you put him on the bc, he CAN take the baby tomorrow and cause you infinitely more heartache than you can imagine. also it will be impossible to revoke parental responsibility (you can have a look at news coverage even paedophiles that abuse their own children still having access to their own kids).

if he is the kind of shit to cause problems, he will ask for a dna test whether he is on BC or not.

your housing situation is not a priority problem now. he can't just kick you out.

your in laws are not your problem. block them. tbh in the current situation, I would not let him see the baby without you being there.

your real problems right now are:

1. getting him out of your head. this is the most important problem.
2. figure out your finances. apply for CMS immediately. check if you are eligible for UC
3. self care. look after yourself. talk to people who genuinely care for you. spend time with friends. treat yourself to something.

Tell your ex that he will be the link between you and his family and that you will not be taking calls directly from them at all ever. You can block or leave them as contacts and just not answer their calls.

Please please please register the baby by yourself, not with him present. That way you get to use your name as the baby's surname. It's not stopping him have parental rights, he can apply to be added at a later date. If he does go to court, you probably wouldn't have to even go to court yourself. You could agree he be allowed on the BC, but the baby's name stands.

@Darceydoodles Yeah he has an awful family. They use things you say and twist them. His mams already had a go at me about the second name 3 hours after he left me and baby. The grandma is even worse. I'm sure she's telling him what to type with messages. So there's no doubt he will take it further. He'll also kick us out of the house or make us sell up. It's my babys home though. I want to be in it. Remember, grandparents do not have rights in UK and you sound like you are from here! they have no visitation or anything and great grandparents have nothing either! stay in the house until he forces a sale. then just go back to your hometown! Block his mothers phone number and his grandmothers phone number. In fact, block all his family members now!! remember, they are not your family and will always be on his side. they have no reason to phone you!!

I dont want my baby to go through that either

Can you explain what it is you think your baby will have to 'go through' that is in any way traumatic? I'm in the US and a paternity DNA test is a simple swab run inside his cheek. It's not painful, takes seconds, and is not 'traumatic'. I'd assume it's the same in the UK.

As feckless as this idiot is, do you really think he's going to push it as far as going to court? And whether you name him or not he can still deny paternity for child maintenance purposes so you'd have to do a DNA test anyway.

He'll also kick us out of the house or make us sell up. It's my babys home though. I want to be in it

Yes, I understand this. But if you own jointly this won't be possible unless you can afford to buy him out. He's certainly not going to just give you the house, no one with any sense would do that unless they were incredibly wealthy. And since you (wisely) know that living with him isn't tolerable or wise there will probably come a time when you may have to find another place to live. But that is a problem for another day.

Yeah he has an awful family. They use things you say and twist them. His mams already had a go at me about the second name 3 hours after he left me and baby. The grandma is even worse.

So, block them. You don't need, nor are you required, to have any communication with them.

I don't know how to say this right, but you are worrying about multiple huge issues, possibly to create an immobility in your mind so that you feel you can't deal with any of them. Pick one (registering the birth) and do that. Then pick another one to deal with. One step at a time.

One who has advised you extremely badly. None of what she said is correct. I repeat don't put him on the birth certificate.

If you're married, you will get a portion of the house, whether it's only in his name or in both of your names.

If it's a house you've both bought together and you're both on the deeds, then it can be sold and probably will have to be, but not necessarily immediately. You can stay there until a court tells you it must be sold, as long as one of you can pay the mortgage in the meantime. If he refuses to pay the mortgage and you can't afford it, then it will have to be sold.

Then you use the money you get out of it to set yourself up somewhere else. It would be smart to do this.

If he's the only owner of the house and you're not married, then he can sell it. That's the way the law works.

You need to start looking for somewhere else to live regardless.

If you think playing nice about the baby's name and giving him contact will stop him from selling the house out from under you, you need to think again. This man has shown you many times that he's a complete bastard and you can't depend on him to do the right thing.

The solicitor you saw was an idiot.
DO NOT PUT THIS MAN'S NAME ON THE BIRTH CERT. MAKE HIM SPEND MONEY ON THAT AND WORK FOR IT IF HE WANTS IT.

A DNA test is done with Q-tip swabbing the inside of the baby's cheeks. It does not involve a blood test. It does not hurt at all. It takes a matter of seconds to do.

And you need to block the awful family.

You're handing yourself to these people on a plate.

Please don't put this man on the BC. Firstly, you can only do that if he attends the registration appointment, or signs a declaration beforehand. If he attends with you, he will attempt to brow beat you into using his surname.

If you leave him off the BC then yes, he could apply to court to be added to the BC. There's no guarantee that he will bother to do this though. Even if he does, you buy yourself time before he gets PR. That's time in which you get to be sole decision maker for vaccinations etc. You can also use that time to move to a different area.

Bear in mind the risks of handing over PR to him voluntarily. He could take your baby and refuse to return them. The police couldn't make him return your baby - you would need to apply to the court. If he isn't on the BC, the police can remove the baby and return them to your care.

This happened to a friend of mine. Her ex refused to return her toddler. As he wasn't on the BC he had no PR and the police retrieved the child and returned them to my friend. She was so, so glad she never named him on the BC.

There's also the issue of education, medical decisions like vaccinations but also, heaven forbid, if your child needed surgery, medication or other treatment. He could block you taking your child abroad on holiday to spite you.

I would recommend you speak to Women's Aid for advice. Start creating a paper trail of his abusive behaviour towards you, you may need it later.

I would also block his family members, you are not obligated to communicate with them.

Also, you should report the drink driving. That alone is a huge reason he shouldn't be trusted with your child.

This is very good advice. Please listen to it OP!

Also, OP - keep copies of all texts from him and his family. Block the family but don't delete the messages they have already sent. Screenshot them and keep copies - send to a friend or email them yourself.

So he said he would pay the usual bills that he pays December and January. Then he wants to be off the mortgage. He knows I can't afford it myself so he's putting us out of a home. He's pushing to see him and take him for a few hours. How can I stop this? He's already said if he isn't on BC he'll take it straight to court so it's inevitable that he'll be on it