He left me with 4 week old baby

[Darceydoodles]

Me and partner have been together for nearly 11 years. As previous posts it hasn't been going to good the last few months. He was texting someone he worked with In June when I was 4 months pregnant that they loved each other. We decided to try and work through it. Then 2 weeks before my due date he left for 3 days and needed space. Basically went drinking and partying for 3 days. Then a week before I was due he disappeared to the pubs again and told me he didn't need me or have any feelings for me and was just pretending. At this time he was diagnosed woth depression. So we tried again and things seemed to be going in the right direction. He's been trying to have sex with me even though I'm only 4 weeks post partum. Wednesday night he cuddled me all night then tried his luck in the morning and after I said I couldn't he said he would wait until I could. Then 2 hours later he said we were done. There was nothing there for me anymore and he's sock of trying. He told me when I mentioned the baby having my surname a couple of weeks ago that If I did that he would leave me. This was when I thought I was going to be a single parent. He brought that up on Wednesday. We were engaged and he asked me to start wearing my ring again last week. Would tell me he loved me and the baby so much. I don't understand how you can pretend that well. He said I was controlling. Because I said I didn't think he should be going on a golf trip for 3 days with a 6 week old baby. Or I would try and stop him driving after drinking. I would ask who he was texting as he was on his phone all the time. The worst part is he was seen just before I had the baby by my friend driving with a blonde In the car. Turns out the person he was texting is now separated from her husband and she lives where he was seen. He also asked me last week out of the blue, after 11 years and 4 weeks pp why I don't wear matching bra and knickers. I'm just so sad and angry.

I’m so sorry I know how hard this is, I became a lone parent to two when dd was 2 months old. But, you can do this and I’ll bet you it’ll be easier without him.
try and focus on the practical stuff, claim child maintenance and benefits NOW.
He’s a shit, don’t bother trying again with him, he’s shown you who he is time and time again, believe it. Any change is an act.

He's a cheater and a head wrecker.

A man who's trying to have sex with one woman (and a month post partum ffs - it's 6 weeks minimum you have to wait) while clearly involved with others is a certain type.

They just try it on for sex wherever they think they have the chance, it means nothing to them, they don't think like normal people. They're just predatory and careless and selfish and don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves and their (probably unimpressive) todger.

Depression? Funny that cause most depressed people have almost zero sex drive. Yet he's trying it on with you and apparently involved with at least one other woman.

The gas lighting - calling you controlling cause you object to him being on his phone all the time, him taking trips away when any decent father and partner would be with their partner and newborn baby at this intense, demanding time, he's been seen with another woman etc.etc. Typical lying and gas lighting and manipulating by a cheater "you're paranoid", "you're controlling". No you're reacting normally to his behaviour. I'd like to see his response if you were acting how he's acting. Would he be 'controlling" if he wasn't ok with it?

Why does he deserve to be on the birth cert of have the baby have his name when he's messing you around, dumping you, not pulling his weight, apparently cheating and can't decide from one minute to the next if you're together or not.

Just put in for your child maintenance asap. What are your housing arrangements?

Don't shag him again, you'll end up getting some nasty std off him since it sounds like he's playing the field. And you could get pregnant again, you have more than enough on your plate with one child by this nasty messer. The effect emotionally of shagging him is also really bad - it will keep you attached when the last thing you need to be is attached to a man who changes his mind from minute to minute if he wants to be with you and sounds very much like he's involved with other women.

You poor thing. He sounds absolutely horrible.
I'm very sorry you're in this situation.

But don't let him back into your life. Just finish it now and do your best to move on.

That's horrendous for you. I'm really sorry. Speaking from experience, let him go before he destroys you.

I was alone 6 weeks PP with DC2 and zero family support as I was abroad. You are better off without this arsehole. It's terrifying and daunting at first but you can do it.

Make things really easy for yourself; if you're BF, put baby in your bed so you can just latch them in the night and preserve your sleep. If you're FF, use those ready-mixed ones at night (and any other time you like, actually, if you can afford them). Get your shopping online if you can. Try and get out of the house every single day even if you don't want to. Get a bouncy chair and put the baby in it when you need to cook/eat/shower etc. Use the TV (it's really ok) to distract the baby when you need time/space to do something else.

Get on a waiting list for childcare so you can go back to work in 6-9 months time, I recommend a childminder not a nursery as they send the children home a lot less and the children pick up a lot fewer illnesses.

Have you registered the birth yet? I hope you gave the baby your surname after all that.

The guy is a dickhead. You are strong and you can do this. Every time you feel sad, cuddle your baby and tell them how much you love them. Shift your focus to your relationship with your baby instead of what's gone down with him. You and the baby are all that matters.

Or I would try and stop him driving after drinking

You're controlling for trying to stop him drink driving?

When he could hurt himself or more importantly someone else?.

When he could lose his license which he probably needs to earn money?

He sounds very sensible and rational and responsible.

Is this a good person, a good partner? No.

How do you know he won't drive with alcohol in his system that day or from the day before with your child in the car? Maybe speak to social services about that. Women's aid might be able to advise.

You have your child by this specimen now, but make sure it's only one. You'll probably spend the next 18 years trying to soften the impact of his shit character and behaviour on your child A drink driving, lying cheater is not partner or father material.

Btw his drinking, drunk driving, cheating, trying for sex with an only four weeks post partum woman and then throwing a strop and saying there's nothing for for him there when you say you can't have sex, selfishness, saying you'll never see him if you don't give your child his surname etc etc all seem to come under the umbrella of extreme, immature, thrill seeking, rash, careless, irresponsible, dishonest, selfish etc. Behaviour Sounds like a personality disorder to me.
That's not and is never going to be decent relationship material. Personality disorders are never really treated or overcome. I have a sister with a personality disorder and she hasn't changed in 34 years of adulthood.

I have a feeling your 11 years together has not been filled with him acting well. Rather than you've put up with and "gotten through" a lot

You need to change your perspective on relationships in general and see him for what he is, otherwise you'll spend another decade or two in shitty relationships, taking shit behaviour.

Let him go OP
The lack or love or respect he shows you is so upsetting. This will destroy you if you let it. Don't sleep with him again and definitely get STD tests.
Give the baby your name so that baby grows up with the same name as you and your family who will likely be doing all the hard work.
Good luck. You and baby will be better without him. It will just take some time to get there but you will.
💐

He's absolutely horrible. I'm sorry you've realised this at such a vulnerable time but this difficult period will pass and you'll be ok. Just stay strong and don't have him back.

Thanks for the support. We own an house which he seems keen to put us out of. I think it's so he can get somewhere with the other person. I want proof that there's been someone else. It'll be easier for me to get closure and move on. I'm going to make the appointment on Monday for his registration. He will be on the birth certificate but will have my surname. I just can't get my head around what kind of person leads someone on like he has done and allows me to drop my guard and feel something for him after everything. Then to leave his 4 week old son.

If you qualify for universal credit you can work a number of hours and still get UC on a sliding scale; and you get 85% of childcare paid for.

The citizens advice bureau can advise you.

He will be on the birth certificate but will have my surname

It is not a good idea to put him on the BC!!!

I wish it was set up so you could just say to him, you have forgotten your baby and I will have it every other weekend.

I think it makes it easier for child maintenance

I want proof that there's been someone else. It'll be easier for me to get closure and move on

You may not get it.

And ateotd it's not all that important. Hard to see that but it's not.

You know he's been seen with another woman, you know by his phone behaviour, you know he keeps dumping you/has walked out on you.

I don't think he needs to be on the BC to make a CM claim.

You make it, if he denies paternity, a DNA test has to be done and he has to pay the cost of the test if he's proven to be the father.

AFAIK he doesn't need to be on the BC..

Putting him on the BC gives him automatic parental rights and that can cause all sorts of issues for you. Especially if he's vindictive or game playing or irresponsible.

You don't need him on the birth certificate to claim CM. BUT the only reason to exclude a father from a birth certificate is if he's abusive. This guy is a wanker and coercive but it doesn't sound like a typical abusive relationship. The child has a right to have their documents as accurate as possible.

OP please don't put him on the birth cert!

It doesn’t make any difference.

if he’s going to deny paternity for CMS he can do that even if he’s on the BC.

It doesn't.
And it'll possibly make things really complicated with regard to access and parental rights.

If he denies paternity, tell him to have a DNA test.

You absolutely do not need him on the birth certificate to claim cms. Imagine he needs to give you permission to make decisions about the baby you care for 24 /7? No bloody way.

This must be exceptionally hard for you and I wanted to say that you do not deserve this and there is nothing you've done or could do to change any of this.

I don't know what's going in his head. I suppose the worst case is that he's a complete psychopath who has no feelings for you, baby, or anyone else and is taking pleasure in messing with you and enjoying causing you this pain.

The best case scenario is... what? That he does love you but he's got some deep seated issues causing him to repeatedly run from relationships, commitment and responsibility with seemingly no care about the absolute trail of destruction he leaves behind him?

While I can understand you may feel like you want to be there for him and help him through it, I would really consider the implicit message you'd be sending to your child by repeatedly accepting this. There's a good chance he will mess with your child's head too but even if he doesn't, they will grow up thinking this is normal in a relationship.

It's not normal by the way. This is not the way a loving husband or partner treats the woman who birthed his child four weeks ago.

Instinctively I want to tell you that his actions show he doesn't care about you but I don't know if that's always helpful. It's so hard to understand how they can lie and seem so convincing and so when someone tells you that, it can be easy to write off what they're saying as you think they just don't understand.

So instead I'll say that even if we give him the benefit of the doubt and entertain the best case scenario, it's simply not a healthy relationship and not one you can fix. He is (at best) extremely damaged and nobody can fix him except himself and years of hard work (years of work for himself by himself, not a grand gesture or big manipulative emotional statement).

Instead please focus on healing. Other posters will be better with the practical side but I just want to be another voice to tell you that this isn't acceptable. For as long as you let him, he will continue this push/pull with you until he takes every last bit of happiness and confidence from you.

If we are giving him that benefit of the doubt, perhaps having a baby has brought up some childhood trauma and he's now playing out dysfunctional relationship patterns.

You'll notice that even giving him the benefit of the doubt, it's not sounding like a great situation for anyone, let alone for a child to be raised in.

Now consider that he may not deserve that benefit of the doubt and he could actually be anywhere along the scale from emotionally damaged to complete psychopath.

Please take control of this and choose your own sanity for the sake of you and your baby. There is nothing down this path for you but pain.

He can still go to court to try to get parental rights, but he has to spend the money and make the effort and take all the hassle of doing so, which many don't.

Don't make it easy for him by putting him on the BC.

Have you seen the shit these men can cause the mothers of their kids on here, if they have PRs?!

One on here (after he was thrown out for cheating and didn't like not having the option of either the op or his new gf anymore) collected the child from school, used the excuse of an appointment to get them out early (on a day he was not supposed to be involved in collection in any way) and then kept the child and wouldn't return them or communicate with her. Wouldn't open the door to her . She wasn't even sure whether her child was in the house. She had virtually no recourse because he had PR. Her only option was to try to claim the child might be neglected or endangered, but the police who'd be called out might just check, say they weren't obviously neglected or in danger, and the "Dad" could coach the child to not say they wanted to go back to mummy. That op disappeared and I didn't see what happened but this was going on for days by the time she fell off the site. She was tearing her hair out. she'd had no contact with her young child.

They can also do things like prevent you from taking your child on a holiday.

There are lots of other issues too - medical treatment, benefits.

I know a woman who put her no good baby daddy on the BC for both her girls because of romantic/"proper" ideas about paternity etc. and she regrets it hugely. He's a ner do well but he'd get access if he wants, he'd get them if she passed away (she's had strokes) and she's stuck trying to change that.

He's also barely paid a penny of CM, so there was zero advantage to putting him on the BC.

There are ways and means of avoiding CM if they really want to. Self employed, cash in hand, regularly changing jobs, going abroad to countries with no reciprocal arrangements with the UK, other kids will reduce your payments etc etc.

I'm so sorry this happened, what an immature bastard he is!!!!

I suppose the worst case is that he's a complete psychopath

The way he tried it on with op, only four weeks post partum, when it looks like he's been involved with someone else and has been messing op around ... Reminds me of behaviour of psychopaths/sociopaths I've read about in true crime.

Try it on for sex no matter what you're doing to the person, whether you have someone else on the go, whether they've just had your baby, whether you're committed or not, whether you'll likely hurt them much worse if you then dump them again etc. Who cares as long as you get your end away.