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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left me with 4 week old baby

272 replies

Darceydoodles · 03/12/2023 10:51

Me and partner have been together for nearly 11 years. As previous posts it hasn't been going to good the last few months. He was texting someone he worked with In June when I was 4 months pregnant that they loved each other. We decided to try and work through it. Then 2 weeks before my due date he left for 3 days and needed space. Basically went drinking and partying for 3 days. Then a week before I was due he disappeared to the pubs again and told me he didn't need me or have any feelings for me and was just pretending. At this time he was diagnosed woth depression. So we tried again and things seemed to be going in the right direction. He's been trying to have sex with me even though I'm only 4 weeks post partum. Wednesday night he cuddled me all night then tried his luck in the morning and after I said I couldn't he said he would wait until I could. Then 2 hours later he said we were done. There was nothing there for me anymore and he's sock of trying. He told me when I mentioned the baby having my surname a couple of weeks ago that If I did that he would leave me. This was when I thought I was going to be a single parent. He brought that up on Wednesday. We were engaged and he asked me to start wearing my ring again last week. Would tell me he loved me and the baby so much. I don't understand how you can pretend that well. He said I was controlling. Because I said I didn't think he should be going on a golf trip for 3 days with a 6 week old baby. Or I would try and stop him driving after drinking. I would ask who he was texting as he was on his phone all the time. The worst part is he was seen just before I had the baby by my friend driving with a blonde In the car. Turns out the person he was texting is now separated from her husband and she lives where he was seen. He also asked me last week out of the blue, after 11 years and 4 weeks pp why I don't wear matching bra and knickers. I'm just so sad and angry.

OP posts:
Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/12/2023 13:14

@EyeInTheSky23

Get a grip honestly.

The baby won’t be a child forever will it? The rest of his life has to have a birth certificate with no father on it because posters on mumsnet decided from 1 post that he shouldn’t have his parental rights … come on.

The OP seems to have her head screwed on luckily and wants to put her child 1st.

And yes he will have to be there to do this which is another issue.

I’m pretty sure OP knows this man well enough after 11 years to have a child with him to know if he would be a safe Dad or not.

TheShellBeach · 03/12/2023 13:15

BC gives him parental rights - gives him power over op and her child

Yes, exactly.

EyeInTheSky23 · 03/12/2023 13:16

Get a grip honestly.

Take your own advice.

Also take a look at how many people have disagreed with your post within such a short period of time and WISE UP.

RadRad · 03/12/2023 13:18

I cannot begin to imagine what you must be going through OP, if my partner had left me 4 weeks pp, I would have been finished, this is particularly cruel way of treating a woman at one of her most vulnerable times, so you are very strong, remember that! Your partner is a loser, who doesn't deserve the privilege of having you both in his life, I hope you cut him loose and never look back again. Sending hugs xx

EyeInTheSky23 · 03/12/2023 13:20

I’m pretty sure OP knows this man well enough after 11 years to have a child with him to know if he would be a safe Dad or not.

With no offence meant to op, she has stayed with a man who told her he doesn't love her, has no feelings for her and is pretending ...

Has stayed with a man who she caught telling another woman he loves them.

She's stayed with a man who went missing/partying for days around the birth of her child.

She has stayed with a man who she knows drinks drives.

She's also stayed with a man who calls her controlling for objecting to these things or to post partum golfing trips.

She sounds like she is massively struggling to find her judgement and assertiveness and self esteem.

She also thinks wrongly that putting him on a BC will make getting cm easier. And doesn't know anything about the PRs she'd be giving him and the potential problems with that.

...... So, no. You're wrong.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/12/2023 13:23

@EyeInTheSky23

You sound extremely bitter in your replies and so what if people disagree I wasn’t posting to be ‘right’ but I can see that you have a strong desire to be, especially using other replies as your ‘backup’ you must be exhausting in ‘real’ life.

People can have different opinions it doesn’t have to upset you that much.

Also parenting isn’t about who has the most power but like I said OP was with this man for 11 years I’m sure she knows him much better then we do hence why she’s putting him on the birth certificate.

EyeInTheSky23 · 03/12/2023 13:26

Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/12/2023 13:23

@EyeInTheSky23

You sound extremely bitter in your replies and so what if people disagree I wasn’t posting to be ‘right’ but I can see that you have a strong desire to be, especially using other replies as your ‘backup’ you must be exhausting in ‘real’ life.

People can have different opinions it doesn’t have to upset you that much.

Also parenting isn’t about who has the most power but like I said OP was with this man for 11 years I’m sure she knows him much better then we do hence why she’s putting him on the birth certificate.

People will challenge you if you post poor advice.

I really cannot be bothered engaging with you any further than that, it's just a waste of time and thread space.

Fairylightfurore · 03/12/2023 13:28

I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate. If he turns up he will only be pressuring you to give the baby his surname and that's not what you want so he made his bed.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/12/2023 13:30

@EyeInTheSky23

Well that’s your opinion that it’s bad advice, doesn’t mean that you’re always right.

Also waste of threat space LOL you’re so adorable.

MagpieRest · 03/12/2023 13:32

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but not all opinions are equally valuable.

A well-informed opinion will always be more persuasive than vague moralising.

In this case an understanding of the rights that being named on the birth certificate bestows and the practical difficulties that could dog the OP and their child for the next 18 years should an absent father choose to be vindictive (preventing them from leaving the country without his say-so or a court order, interfering with school choices, taking the child out of school or from anywhere else without notice to the resident parent etc. etc.) is going to weigh more than a vague notion that it might not quite be cricket to leave him off...

Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/12/2023 13:57

@MagpieRest

I totally get that but I didn’t see anything that proves that she’s been in an abusive relationship or that he would be a rubbish dad in the past 11 years - Till June where all this seems to have gone pear shaped. Yes he’s acted disgusting and it’s awful what OP has gone through, I wasn’t saying it like it’s just not cricket at all.

The guy is an arsehole and I would not give baby his last name either but the birth certificate yes gives rights but to me it’s the child’s document and not to be used as a power thing. Obviously in DV and safety circumstances it’s different, OP hasn’t even said she’s concerned and everyone’s jumping on that straight away then getting upset when someone suggests differently, just odd.

Original poster
Darceydoodles · 03/12/2023 14:01

He will challenge me over everything. Courts the lot. He moved out on Thursday so I'm not with him anymore. and I don't want to be. The person he was seen in the van with is the same person he was texting. I don't trust him with my child now. Not anymore. These last few weeks he's proved he is unstable and is drink driving. living as if nothing has happened. He's pushing to see the baby. I'm dropping him off at his grandma's for an hour today. And he's pushing for through the week and taking him away. I'm also breast feeding at times still. I don't want him taking him anywhere

OP posts:
Emeraldsanddiamonds · 03/12/2023 14:06

It's a very low bar for some women that he hasn't actually been "abusive". He's left his partner of 11 years with a four week old baby after trying to have sex with her while he has another woman or women on the go. This is supposedly because she's so "controlling" she actually tries to stop him driving after drinking.

I'd give the baby my name and and I certainly wouldn't be taking him to sign up for the birth certificate. I can't imagine he'll be any sort of father. He doesn't sound like the sort that would go to court to establish parental rights. If you put him on the birth certificate you are handing him equal rights and he can mess you around in all sorts of way from travelling abroad to choice of schools to vaccinations and so on.

The other woman must be a really desperate for a man to take on your ex who has just walked out on his partner leaving her with a four week old baby. I mean every little girl dreams of that sort of Prince Charming don't they? You know the unfaithful, cruel, lying sort of man.

The cuddling, the telling you he loves you and asking you to wear your engagement ring etc is him just keeping you on the back burner in case things don't work out with the new woman. He figures if he messes with your emotions enough you'll be available for him to move back in with and you might even be foolish enough to have sex with him. He is an awful human being and you should never have sex again with him. I'd pawn the engagement ring too.

MagpieRest · 03/12/2023 14:09

Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/12/2023 13:57

@MagpieRest

I totally get that but I didn’t see anything that proves that she’s been in an abusive relationship or that he would be a rubbish dad in the past 11 years - Till June where all this seems to have gone pear shaped. Yes he’s acted disgusting and it’s awful what OP has gone through, I wasn’t saying it like it’s just not cricket at all.

The guy is an arsehole and I would not give baby his last name either but the birth certificate yes gives rights but to me it’s the child’s document and not to be used as a power thing. Obviously in DV and safety circumstances it’s different, OP hasn’t even said she’s concerned and everyone’s jumping on that straight away then getting upset when someone suggests differently, just odd.

Fair enough. I think the latest update from the OP shows you what it will be like if she adds him, though! She is likely to make a decision based on practicalities, not on theoretical ideas about who the certificate is 'for'. Of course, if he wants to be can take her to court to force his name to be added and gain parental responsibility.

But in her shoes, I have to say I'd leave him off and see how much he wanted it. If I could possibly avoid handing PR to someone who has shown he may well drink drive while in charge of my precious baby, I would absolutely do so!

Bax765 · 03/12/2023 14:09

I'm so sorry you're going through this, what an arsehole. However, I can 100% guarantee that one day you'll be so grateful that he is gone. Doing it alone is much earlier than having to deal with an abusive and selfish man, as well as a baby.

If it was me, I would not put him on the birth certificate as it gives him parental control. If he wants that, make him jump through hoops to get it. Hopefully he won't bother.

PelicanPopcorn · 03/12/2023 14:11

Just sending you hugs op that is so hard. The stress of this is the last thing you need. Stay strong you've been doing really well. Sometimes there comes a point where someone is bringing more stress and pain into your life than they are relieving. Put yourself and your children first xxx take care

BuddyBuddyBumBum · 03/12/2023 14:21

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 03/12/2023 11:58

You don't need him on the birth certificate to claim CM. BUT the only reason to exclude a father from a birth certificate is if he's abusive. This guy is a wanker and coercive but it doesn't sound like a typical abusive relationship. The child has a right to have their documents as accurate as possible.

Coercion is abuse.

beAsensible1 · 03/12/2023 14:24

Darceydoodles · 03/12/2023 11:49

Thanks for the support. We own an house which he seems keen to put us out of. I think it's so he can get somewhere with the other person. I want proof that there's been someone else. It'll be easier for me to get closure and move on. I'm going to make the appointment on Monday for his registration. He will be on the birth certificate but will have my surname. I just can't get my head around what kind of person leads someone on like he has done and allows me to drop my guard and feel something for him after everything. Then to leave his 4 week old son.

you don't need closure it won't achieve anything. this man keeps saying he doesn't want to be with you, why wont you believe him?

he is wrecking your mental health, pressuring you for sex post partum as well as being deceitful.

Let him leave

beatrix1234 · 03/12/2023 14:27

I believe you need to look at the glass half full here: you're getting rid of one of the biggest twa-t in the planet and that's a great thing. Congratulations because you and the baby's quality of life will improve so much after this tosser is gone. You just need to sort finances and logistics with him and because he's a narcissistic twa-t he will make things diffcult but that too shall pass and you'll be able to move on and live a better life. Think of the great future you have ahead of you without the tosser.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 03/12/2023 14:28

I hope you stay strong OP and don’t ever go back to him and believe his lies. I’d seriously consider not putting his name on the BC like others say as it’ll be easier for you. If you want his name on the certificate you’ll likely have to take him to the registry office and is he going to kick up a fuss about the last name?

beatrix1234 · 03/12/2023 14:28

Google "narcissistic abuse" OP, I believe your soon to be ex is a text book case.

Fairylightfurore · 03/12/2023 14:31

He's pushing to see the baby now because he knows it hurts you. I would be surprised if he's as interested a teardown the line when he realises how he'd work it is

Lookingatthesunset · 03/12/2023 14:37

You and your baby will be far better off without this selfish twat of an abuser. You've already wasted 11 years of your life on him and you deserve so much better.

Give the baby your surname and do not put the sperm donor's name on the birth cert. Take legal advice as to where you stand. He sounds vindictive. Stay strong.

Lwrenagain · 03/12/2023 14:45

I am really sorry to read this, @Darceydoodles, I don't know if I've seen your other posts but this kind of thing is common, sadly.

I wouldn't give your baby his surname if you can give yours, it'll make your life easier for travel etc.

Re birth certificate, if you don't put him on courts can request a dna test and force him to be put on anyway, so he'll have PR then anyway.

It's incredibly raw and sad and if I offer one piece of advice from someone who discovered her ex was cheating during pregnancy, it's you don't need concrete evidence. Liars are convincing, just accept you'll have no closure, explanation, apology and sadly, move on. Whilst baby is little get a gp referral for counselling because you'll usually be seen within 12 weeks. Discuss this with a professional.

If your ex doesn't bother with DS, don't press it. I did believing my DS needed a daddy, really scored an own goal tbh, he's just been a pain in the pissflaps and continues to be one, luckily ex has a wonderful wife now and I feel much happier DS has her around when he's with ex. Don't automatically feel pushed out if ex finds a new partner, even if it's OW, nobody replaces mummy and it'll more likely benefit DS life and safety, with another person around. Ex sounds too self involved and selfish to care for a baby alone.
(The times my ex had my son I had to go a&e on 4 occasions and other shit also happened.)

Get maintenance via CMS, not an agreement between you because he'll be flaky AF. Please don't be a nice little idiot like I was, listen to the women who have this lived experience. Co parenting is rarely a great experience for us no matter how hard we try, so make it as easy by just learning to accept it is what it is and don't do anything too nice.

I did some stupid shit like buying fathers day/birthday/Christmas gifts or invited ex to things so ds had time with us.
Ds doesn't remember it, it improved absolutely fuck all in our parenting relationship and yeah, waste of our time and crossed wires tbh.

Best of luck and if you need any practical advice or have any single parent questions I'm always around x

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 14:45

Register the baby without him.
Don't put him on the birth certificate.
Give the baby your name and only your name.
Don't give him unsupervised access to the baby.
Put in a claim for child maintenance anyway.
Let him take you to court if he wants parental responsibility or unsupervised contact.