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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left me with 4 week old baby

272 replies

Darceydoodles · 03/12/2023 10:51

Me and partner have been together for nearly 11 years. As previous posts it hasn't been going to good the last few months. He was texting someone he worked with In June when I was 4 months pregnant that they loved each other. We decided to try and work through it. Then 2 weeks before my due date he left for 3 days and needed space. Basically went drinking and partying for 3 days. Then a week before I was due he disappeared to the pubs again and told me he didn't need me or have any feelings for me and was just pretending. At this time he was diagnosed woth depression. So we tried again and things seemed to be going in the right direction. He's been trying to have sex with me even though I'm only 4 weeks post partum. Wednesday night he cuddled me all night then tried his luck in the morning and after I said I couldn't he said he would wait until I could. Then 2 hours later he said we were done. There was nothing there for me anymore and he's sock of trying. He told me when I mentioned the baby having my surname a couple of weeks ago that If I did that he would leave me. This was when I thought I was going to be a single parent. He brought that up on Wednesday. We were engaged and he asked me to start wearing my ring again last week. Would tell me he loved me and the baby so much. I don't understand how you can pretend that well. He said I was controlling. Because I said I didn't think he should be going on a golf trip for 3 days with a 6 week old baby. Or I would try and stop him driving after drinking. I would ask who he was texting as he was on his phone all the time. The worst part is he was seen just before I had the baby by my friend driving with a blonde In the car. Turns out the person he was texting is now separated from her husband and she lives where he was seen. He also asked me last week out of the blue, after 11 years and 4 weeks pp why I don't wear matching bra and knickers. I'm just so sad and angry.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 03/12/2023 17:27

I'm sorry this has happened to you. He's a bastard. Get legal advice. You'll be ok, but it's as painful as hell.

Nazzywish · 03/12/2023 18:03

OP stop, don't make any more decisions I.e. name on birth certificate and can you take yourself and baby to somewhere else for a few days so you can think clearly and with sound advice, maybe a parent or sibling?. Your all over the place and understandably. He will try and take maximum advantage of this so you need to gather yourself.

Firstly re birth certificate find out the implication of this. Some advice on here so double check it.

Get your finances in order pronto. Benefits- work plan anything to get you through next few weeks.

Access to baby- tell him to p**s off now and you'll let him know In a few weeks where things are. He's chested on you manipulated you financially ruined you so he can do one while you sort yourself out. Then don't let this man back into your life. Your child's maybe if you think he will bea decent dad ,but on YOUR terms not his now.

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 18:25

If he's on the birth certificate he can refuse to have your baby vaccinated against measles or let you go on holiday abroad and there will be nothing you can do about it without going to court.

RedRidingGood · 03/12/2023 18:59

SisterMichaelsHabit · 03/12/2023 11:40

I was alone 6 weeks PP with DC2 and zero family support as I was abroad. You are better off without this arsehole. It's terrifying and daunting at first but you can do it.

Make things really easy for yourself; if you're BF, put baby in your bed so you can just latch them in the night and preserve your sleep. If you're FF, use those ready-mixed ones at night (and any other time you like, actually, if you can afford them). Get your shopping online if you can. Try and get out of the house every single day even if you don't want to. Get a bouncy chair and put the baby in it when you need to cook/eat/shower etc. Use the TV (it's really ok) to distract the baby when you need time/space to do something else.

Get on a waiting list for childcare so you can go back to work in 6-9 months time, I recommend a childminder not a nursery as they send the children home a lot less and the children pick up a lot fewer illnesses.

Have you registered the birth yet? I hope you gave the baby your surname after all that.

The guy is a dickhead. You are strong and you can do this. Every time you feel sad, cuddle your baby and tell them how much you love them. Shift your focus to your relationship with your baby instead of what's gone down with him. You and the baby are all that matters.

Edited

This is very good advice. If you can get a slow cooker pls do, they're so useful.

chocolateaddict231 · 03/12/2023 19:35

I just didn't want to read and run. You poor lady, I really feel for you but you'll be ok and your child is very lucky to have you x

Ofcourseshecan · 03/12/2023 19:39

Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/12/2023 13:14

@EyeInTheSky23

Get a grip honestly.

The baby won’t be a child forever will it? The rest of his life has to have a birth certificate with no father on it because posters on mumsnet decided from 1 post that he shouldn’t have his parental rights … come on.

The OP seems to have her head screwed on luckily and wants to put her child 1st.

And yes he will have to be there to do this which is another issue.

I’m pretty sure OP knows this man well enough after 11 years to have a child with him to know if he would be a safe Dad or not.

He’s a drink driver, and he objects to being prevented from drunk driving. That alone makes him unsafe.

carly2803 · 03/12/2023 21:30

Darceydoodles · 03/12/2023 14:01

He will challenge me over everything. Courts the lot. He moved out on Thursday so I'm not with him anymore. and I don't want to be. The person he was seen in the van with is the same person he was texting. I don't trust him with my child now. Not anymore. These last few weeks he's proved he is unstable and is drink driving. living as if nothing has happened. He's pushing to see the baby. I'm dropping him off at his grandma's for an hour today. And he's pushing for through the week and taking him away. I'm also breast feeding at times still. I don't want him taking him anywhere

so dont be so foolish then and put him on the birth certificate - because then he can (and will) take him and theres not a thing you can do about it without a court order

you can still claim maintenance - contact and maintenance are 2 separate things

Original poster
Darceydoodles · 04/12/2023 00:41

I just feel really sad that he's ruined my favourite time of the year for me and my baby. I've told him I'll be in touch about when he can see him next. His mam is constantly texting as well. I've told her I need time to get used to being left alone and in turmoil

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 04/12/2023 01:39

@Darceydoodles

You'll get 'your favourite time of year' back. This year is going to be rough, but you have so many Christmases ahead of you and you and DC will build beautiful memories and make new traditions. Just try to go 'low key' this year so you don't stress yourself out (more than you are due to the situation). Your baby doesn't know it's Christmas so won't be 'missing out' on anything.

As far as his mum, can you ask her nicely not to text you for the next, say, 5 days? Tell her you need that time to 'regroup' yourself. If that 5 days isn't enough, then you can extend it. Right now it's all about YOU. If she won't give you your breathing room, then I'm afraid you may have to block her.

Lookingatthesunset · 04/12/2023 02:46

If you know he's drink driving - report him before he kills someone.

mathanxiety · 04/12/2023 03:57

He is not going to get the kind of contact he's threatening you with - no court is going to order a very tiny baby who's breastfeeding away from his mum.

Don't worry about the threat (because that's what this is, a threat).

Court costs money. Christmas is coming up. The floozy he is with will need money spent on her to make a good impression.

He's trying to punish you for
1 - having a baby and not paying enough attention to him,
And
2 - sticking up for yourself.

Keep on sticking up for yourself.

mathanxiety · 04/12/2023 03:59

And YYY -
DO NOT ADD HIS NAME TO THE BIRTH CERT

mathanxiety · 04/12/2023 04:01

Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/12/2023 13:14

@EyeInTheSky23

Get a grip honestly.

The baby won’t be a child forever will it? The rest of his life has to have a birth certificate with no father on it because posters on mumsnet decided from 1 post that he shouldn’t have his parental rights … come on.

The OP seems to have her head screwed on luckily and wants to put her child 1st.

And yes he will have to be there to do this which is another issue.

I’m pretty sure OP knows this man well enough after 11 years to have a child with him to know if he would be a safe Dad or not.

It's like you didn't read a single word the OP posted about this man and how he treated her.

Astonishing.

Iamnuts · 04/12/2023 07:48

He can be added to the birth certificate at a later date.

edgeware · 04/12/2023 07:51

I think you know he’s a piece of shit. Focus on your baby and let him fuck off.

Original poster
Darceydoodles · 04/12/2023 11:35

Apparent the only reason I would be able to not put him on the BC is if I can prove he is abusive or isn't the dad

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 04/12/2023 11:37

Darceydoodles · 04/12/2023 11:35

Apparent the only reason I would be able to not put him on the BC is if I can prove he is abusive or isn't the dad

If you’re in any part of the UK that’s simply not true.

you’re not married to him so he would have to be there with you. You can simply make an appointment and go alone. Absolutely nothing illegal in that at all.

He can apply to court to be added, but that would be his effort to make.

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 11:46

Darceydoodles · 04/12/2023 11:35

Apparent the only reason I would be able to not put him on the BC is if I can prove he is abusive or isn't the dad

Who told you that? It's not true.

If you're unmarried, he can ONLY go on the birth certificate if he attends the registration appointment, and one very good reason for him not attending the appointment is that you have good reason to believe he will use the occasion to coerce you into giving your baby his surname.

His behaviour absolutely is abusive, but you don't have to prove anything to not put him on the birth certificate. You simply register your baby without him, with your surname.

Then you claim maintenance and if he says he's not the dad he will have to take a DNA test to prove it.

category12 · 04/12/2023 12:35

Darceydoodles · 04/12/2023 11:35

Apparent the only reason I would be able to not put him on the BC is if I can prove he is abusive or isn't the dad

As pps have said, that's untrue in the uk.

You need the guy to attend or provide authorisation if you're unmarried. Otherwise I guess what would be stop everyone putting Ryan Reynolds (or whoever) on the birth certificates of our children 😂

Being abusive sadly never stopped a guy being put on the birth certificate.

He can apply for parental rights if you don't put him on, but that takes effort on his side.

You can still claim child support if he is not on the birth certificate.

Original poster
Darceydoodles · 04/12/2023 12:54

I've been to see a family solicitor

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 12:56

And they told you that about registering your baby without the father's name on the birth certificate?

therealcookiemonster · 04/12/2023 12:58

Darceydoodles · 04/12/2023 12:54

I've been to see a family solicitor

are you saying that a family solicitor in the UK advised you that the only reason not to put dad on bc is if he is abusive?

if that is what you are saying you need to report this solicitor to the law society because
(1) he gave you incorrect legal advice
(2) by giving you the advice he did, he minimised the very real abuse you are experiencing

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 04/12/2023 13:01

Darceydoodles · 04/12/2023 12:54

I've been to see a family solicitor

You've either not explained what you mean properly, or they're not a competent solicitor.

If you are in the UK and unmarried there is zero legal obligation to invite him to register the birth with you.

He is unlikely to be prevented adding himself, but tbh even abuse is unlikely to stop that so whoever you have seen is talking shit, to be frank.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/12/2023 15:12

Darceydoodles · 04/12/2023 12:54

I've been to see a family solicitor

If an actual solicitor told you that then you need a new solicitor.

Sounds like that solicitor is an MRA. Or just an idiot.

Either call the registry office and ask them directly or go register and simply leave the father's name blank and see what happens.

There are countless MNers who have left the father off. And I'll bet no one raised an eyebrow.

neilyoungismyhero · 04/12/2023 15:18

It's a case of when they show you who they are believe them..
You have your house and your baby you don't need this awful bloke dipping in and out of your lives.