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Original poster

No one actually "needs" sex

471 replies

namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 05:33

Out with the girls last night and my friends talked about the "need" for sex which I can't fathom. It's obviously not a genuine need like air and food.

Clearly if you're ttc, then yes, you need sex. But that's the only situation it would be essential otherwise it's not exactly for survival is it?!

My dh and I (43 and 35) dtd maybe 4-6 times a year. He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me. Three kids including a toddler, a dog, both work full time, up at 4.30/5, sleep comes first every single time.

Do others really see it as a need?!

OP posts:
Josette77 · 03/12/2023 05:36

Yes.

For me it's a need. It's healthy, it has health benefits, and only my partner can make me feel that good which benefits our relationship.

I used to say no when I was married. In retrospect it was a symptom of an unhealthy marriage. I just didn't want to face that .

Hearmenow23 · 03/12/2023 05:37

When my libido was thriving, then absolutely needed to. Now I'm withered and shrivelled.

WingedHermes · 03/12/2023 05:38

Yes. Absolutely.

LolaSmiles · 03/12/2023 05:39

It's a very common part of a romantic relationship. Some people have higher or lower sex drives but for many it's an important part to have that side of a relationship. Being in a relationship with someone with a similar sex drive matters to a lot of people.

From reading posts on here there's a lot of people who come to the conclusion that their relationship doesn't need sex, and then seem surprised that the relationship is affected, connection is looked for elsewhere, when the children leave home the relationship isn't strong.

BertieBotts · 03/12/2023 05:41

I think for most people it's more a need along the lines of space or social contact. Not a biological necessity, but you'll start to feel really miserable if you don't have any at all.

However, like extroverts need more social contact and introverts need more solitude, sex drives can vary too.

Perhaps you simply have a very low sex drive. (I understand this because I do too).

I think the only thing I'd say is that nobody has a need/entitlement to someone else's body to alleviate their need for sex. But this must be tricky if you are a person who needs it more.

Bobsledgirl · 03/12/2023 05:43

I think it’s bonding. However I have zero libido now and didn’t have much need for sex even before menopause. But we’re all different.

LongAndWindingRoads · 03/12/2023 05:43

I find it a relief now being alone in my 50s and not having the pressure.

Mummymummy89 · 03/12/2023 05:44

Yes definitely a need.

If you are only doing it 4-6 times a year and you and your dh are both perfectly happy with that arrangement, that's dandy.

If either party would rather do it more, that person will slowly accumulate feelings of resentment and low self esteem which will corrode away at the rock of your marriage ending in an affair or a breakup or just a mire of toxic resentment and snappiness.

It's a need.

Talk about this with your dh

Giraffescarf · 03/12/2023 05:51

It's a normal human function so of course.

MargotBlobby · 03/12/2023 06:08

Yes.

When I was single: no. But as part of my relationship: absolutely yes.

Panaa · 03/12/2023 06:09

A lot of people who are in sexless marriages who say that it's a 'need' still stay with their spouse and don't go and have sex with someone else.
And if it was a real human 'need' then everyone would need it.

But on an individual level for some it would be a need but then it depends on the circumstances and context also.

In a relationship I very much 'need' sex and wouldn't stay in a relationship without it. However when single I can go without because I'm not into casual sex for various reasons.

So it very much depends on the individual and the context.

People do however have a 'need' for safety, which explains why people find it very difficult to go through with sex they don't want and why there are so many sexless marriages. Often people will try to go along with it and end up with a sexual aversion, and when someone ends up with a sexual aversion their whole body and mind is screaming at them not to have sex, hence why most dead bedrooms aren't fixed.

If one 'needs' sex, but the other 'needs' to protect themselves from that sex, the one who needs to protect themselves will win out.

Sorchamarie · 03/12/2023 06:17

You could use the same argument that no one needs social contact, but most people would be utterly miserable without it. For many it's super important to have sex regularly in order to feel connected to their partner. Interesting how different all humans are.

BlueEyedPeanut · 03/12/2023 06:19

Of course some people need certain things within a relationship. Do you need fidelity? You would survive without it, but your relationship might not. Same goes for children, affection, attention, respect etc. There are many wants that are still relationship-ending when they're not met. Therefore, they are needs.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 03/12/2023 06:23

Well not a need like food or oxygen, but without it a relationship isn't really at the same level

Nofilteritwonthelp · 03/12/2023 06:23

Also it's not sex, it's the intimacy of being with another person

Georgie743 · 03/12/2023 06:24

100% a need for me. I get grumpy if I don't have regular orgasms. Can't imagine not wanting that closeness with my DW.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 03/12/2023 06:25

Well obviously it's not a need if you're only talking about things that keep you alive, like air and food.

But that's not really what people mean when they talk about needs. Sex is a need like social contact, or friendship. If someone said "I need my friends", you wouldn't quibble over the word need and point out that friendship isn't like air.

HerMammy · 03/12/2023 06:27

He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me.
Do you think he's happy with that?

SwedeCaroline · 03/12/2023 06:35

well, sex between two people is obviously not a "need" - is it. Because if you don't have a consenting partner you can't do it

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/12/2023 06:38

When I was younger, I had a very strong sex drive. Older and chronically ill, often defined to the sofa or bed, no. Very little desire. However, recently my sex drive has come back with a vengeance despite not even having ovaries anymore. I was um, going a bit mad a few weeks ago, thinking about sex pretty much non stop, which reminded me of when I was 16…

So no one needs sex to live. We also don’t need lots of things to live. But the desire in some is strong and if not satisfied by some kind of sexual pleasure can be overpowering.

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/12/2023 06:39

People are being deliberately disingenuous.

Of course sex is not a "need' like food and water.

It's a "nice to have".

You don't die without it.

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 06:39

If sex is genuinely a ‘need’, what about all the single old, unattractive, overweight men, who need sex?

What are they supposed to do?

Or is it only a need when you’re in a relationship?

And if it’s a need, and the other person isn’t up for it, what should the person who needs it do?

Jifmicroliquid · 03/12/2023 06:44

Not a need for me. I’ve never really understood the fuss.
I find it weird and messy.

IncompleteSenten · 03/12/2023 06:46

What is need though?

If need is reduced to what you physically require for your personal survival then no but there is more to human need than the basics to keep you alive. There's a need and desire overlap in many things when the desire takes a form that could be described as need.

Not me personally. I'd rather have a cup of tea and do some crafting 😁 but need isn't just physical. There's emotional need that can have a damaging effect if not met. It won't kill you like not having food will kill you but deep unmet emotional needs will harm you.

Mumtime2 · 03/12/2023 06:50

Need and required to have a healthy relationship.
Your not expecting him to look elsewhere?
I would.