Page 3 | No one actually "needs" sex

Thankyouthankyoujellybean · 03/12/2023 07:39

I 'need' sex like I 'need' chocolate, i.e. I could cope without but I'd reeeeally rather not.

helpfulperson · 03/12/2023 07:41

There was an interesting thread a while back where people who had never been bothered with sex, never saw the need and weren't interested talked about when they got a new partner and discovered what amazing sex could be like.

AlltheFs · 03/12/2023 07:43

I wonder how all the “need” people would respond if something happened to their spouse/partner that meant sex no longer possible? Would they all be up and leaving or having affairs?

Friend of mine is in that position - husband very disabled in an accident a few years ago. Not going to say more as not my story - but they will never have a sexual relationship again. But their marriage is still strong (although it has been a horrendous few years).

I think intimacy is important in relationships- but it doesn’t have to be sex. Ultimately I can give myself as much sexual satisfaction as I need. But it’s the emotional and physical intimacy with DH that matters.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 03/12/2023 07:46

I agree it's not a survival need like food and water. But it's very much a need to keep a relationship healthy and happy. Plus the benefits of it are massive - relaxation, stress relief, release of happy hormones etc. It's good for you physically and mentally, as long as its good, safe, consensual sex. My relationship with DH wouldn't survive without it (on both sides) so in that respect, yes, absolutely a need.

InefficientProcess · 03/12/2023 07:47

Thankyouthankyoujellybean · 03/12/2023 07:39

I 'need' sex like I 'need' chocolate, i.e. I could cope without but I'd reeeeally rather not.

Which is why it is a want not a need.

The need framing is really problematic. Sex is a want or a desire that you may be lucky enough to have someone else choose to fulfil with you. Framing it as a need sets up obligations and expectations.

WaddyDarbucks · 03/12/2023 07:51

‘He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me’ - sounds a bit selfish, hope he at least gets a helping hand occasionally, and a blowie on his birthday!

Epidote · 03/12/2023 07:54

In you are active or very active yes, it is a need, your body ask for it. If you don't want to call it a need you can call it a big craving.
If you are not active you don't need or crave what you don't really want.
If you have been active during a time and now you don't your body will adapt but you will still have the need during that period of time meanwhile your body adapt.

So yes, need, crave, urge call it whatever but it does exit.

BlueEyedPeanut · 03/12/2023 07:55

InefficientProcess · 03/12/2023 07:47

Which is why it is a want not a need.

The need framing is really problematic. Sex is a want or a desire that you may be lucky enough to have someone else choose to fulfil with you. Framing it as a need sets up obligations and expectations.

Show quote history

But it's a "need" if your relationship won't survive without it. Like affection or any other emotional need. Needs aren't all physical. Sex isn't just a physical thing.

kaboomy · 03/12/2023 07:57

Depends what you consider a need. What is your view on:
Affection
Kindness
Laughter
Consideration
Etc

None of these are needs in the biological sense but without them a relationship would be lacking and not at all healthy in my mind.

Mummymummy89 · 03/12/2023 07:58

namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 06:52

Our relationship is perfectly healthy with limited, infrequent sex. We don't need it to have a good relationship. There's a lot more to marriage than sex. It's me with the low drive so he doesn't nag me for it.

Have you sat and had an open discussion with your dh about this?

If you have actually discussed it, and both people say they're happy with the amount/quality of sex, then it's all good. Him "not nagging you" doesn't mean he's perfectly happy.

Of COURSE no one should have sex they don't want. That's not the solution.

But if there's a problem in your relationship you will have to find some solution or risk a slow toxic decay of the marriage.

If you don't even feel able to discuss this with him, but discuss it here with us instead, that's not great either

Edited for spelling

GoingOffOnATangent · 03/12/2023 07:59

InefficientProcess · 03/12/2023 07:47

Which is why it is a want not a need.

The need framing is really problematic. Sex is a want or a desire that you may be lucky enough to have someone else choose to fulfil with you. Framing it as a need sets up obligations and expectations.

Show quote history

Disagree. That's splitting semantic hairs.
Equating your needs to someone else's obligation to fulfil them it's what abusive/selfish people might do. But consent is still real, coercion is still bad and that doesn't change whether you use 'need' or 'important to me' or whatever.
Chocolate is an imperfect analogy because sex is more akin to other forms of social contact like friends, family, hugs, smiles, laughter, conversation... You wouldn't argue to someone who lacked those things it wasn't a 'need' as their mental health took a total nose dive.
The only difference between sex and those other things is that the want for it waxes and wanes more clearly through your lifetime and suffers more widely between people.

Theresit · 03/12/2023 08:01

AlltheFs · 03/12/2023 07:43

I wonder how all the “need” people would respond if something happened to their spouse/partner that meant sex no longer possible? Would they all be up and leaving or having affairs?

Friend of mine is in that position - husband very disabled in an accident a few years ago. Not going to say more as not my story - but they will never have a sexual relationship again. But their marriage is still strong (although it has been a horrendous few years).

I think intimacy is important in relationships- but it doesn’t have to be sex. Ultimately I can give myself as much sexual satisfaction as I need. But it’s the emotional and physical intimacy with DH that matters.

This

SheIsStuck23 · 03/12/2023 08:08

Of course it’s not a need. People obviously survive without sex.

It’s a want, not a need.

Obviousky it’s great to have (partner depending) but nobody is going to die because they aren’t having sex 🙄

I do have sex with my husband but it’s only 1-2 times a week on average. Sometimes we’ve gone a month without it but it doesn’t bother me.

From being on this forum for many, many years I find the claim “I need sex” is generally just used as an excuse to cheat.

Marblessolveeverything · 03/12/2023 08:09

I deem it necessary and vital in my relationships. I've had the exdh with the low libido it's not for me and makes me miserable.

If a partner was unable then yes I would ask permission to have what is a need for me elsewhere. Life is short and sex keeps me physically and emotionally and mentally happy.

Everyone has different needs.

GoingOffOnATangent · 03/12/2023 08:10

AlltheFs · 03/12/2023 07:43

I wonder how all the “need” people would respond if something happened to their spouse/partner that meant sex no longer possible? Would they all be up and leaving or having affairs?

Friend of mine is in that position - husband very disabled in an accident a few years ago. Not going to say more as not my story - but they will never have a sexual relationship again. But their marriage is still strong (although it has been a horrendous few years).

I think intimacy is important in relationships- but it doesn’t have to be sex. Ultimately I can give myself as much sexual satisfaction as I need. But it’s the emotional and physical intimacy with DH that matters.

A good example of what happens when it's off the table and you find a successful work around to sustain each other in the relationship, and there are lots of ways to be intimate.
Doesn't mean the people in this thread who 'need 'it couldn't or wouldn't do that.

Using the word need is an expression of importance. I expect your friends have had to grieve and come to terms with it's loss in a way that is true to their feelings on it.
With a relationship both parties needs are mutually considered and each others ability to fulfil or not fulfil those needs may or may not spell the end of the relationship.
Clearly if you love each other and you have been robbed of your ability that's completely different situation to a relationship where one party is dismissing the other, and therefore the response to the situation will be different too.

itsmyp4rty · 03/12/2023 08:16

People get very confused between want and need I find. Especially men.

Nannyfannybanny · 03/12/2023 08:18

You say you only "need to have sex with TTC", if that was the case, why is the human female given the ability to orgasm!

blacksax · 03/12/2023 08:18

it's not exactly for survival is it?!

Oh but it is - in the most fundamental way. It is a primeval instinct to ensure the survival of the species. Humans are the same as any other living organism in that respect. The only difference between humans and all other species is that we are sentient enough to think about it.

mapletreecottage · 03/12/2023 08:21

Many women in your situation are later on surprised to find that their husbands seek and find sex outside the marriage. You sound a bit highhanded about it.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 03/12/2023 08:21

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/12/2023 06:39

People are being deliberately disingenuous.

Of course sex is not a "need' like food and water.

It's a "nice to have".

You don't die without it.

I think the OP is a bit disingenuous. Obviously when people say they need sex they aren't equating it with food and water and oxygen. It's silly to basically say "I just don't understand how you can need it, when you won't die without it".

WaddyDarbucks · 03/12/2023 08:21

When someone says their needs aren’t being met in a relationship I think we all know they don’t mean their partner is literally starving or suffocating them, so someone describing sex as a need seems a fair use of the term to me.

WaddyDarbucks · 03/12/2023 08:22

lol - basically just repeated the last post that hadn’t refreshed when I typed that

SheIsStuck23 · 03/12/2023 08:26

Nannyfannybanny · 03/12/2023 08:18

You say you only "need to have sex with TTC", if that was the case, why is the human female given the ability to orgasm!

I imagine the population count would dramatically decrease if sex wasn’t pleasurable for women. Aren’t a huge amount of pregnancies unplanned and only occur due to women simply having sex because she wants to (as it feels good) as opposed to purposely trying to conceive?

Plus, the rhythmic contractions of the womb which are caused by an orgasm assists the sperm in getting where they need to be, so it does provide a role in heightening the chance of pregnancy.

Sandysandwich · 03/12/2023 08:27

You can 'need' something that is not necessary for survival.
You can need something in order to be happy, or fulfilled, or stable, or safe it doesn't just mean somethimg you need in order to live.

That can be different for different people

You don't happen to need sex, which is fine, you probably fufill your need for connection some other way that works for you, but your friend does need sex and lots of people do and its still a need even if its not something you need.

Naughtytomcat · 03/12/2023 08:27

I was in an abusive marriage, and didn't have healthy sex for 18 years. I felt dead, frozen inside and, for the last 4 years, was practically climbing the walls because of my need for sex.

Since leaving, I have realised that it absolutely a need for me.