No one actually "needs" sex

[namechangedforthisone35]

Out with the girls last night and my friends talked about the "need" for sex which I can't fathom. It's obviously not a genuine need like air and food.

Clearly if you're ttc, then yes, you need sex. But that's the only situation it would be essential otherwise it's not exactly for survival is it?!

My dh and I (43 and 35) dtd maybe 4-6 times a year. He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me. Three kids including a toddler, a dog, both work full time, up at 4.30/5, sleep comes first every single time.

Do others really see it as a need?!

If you both feel the same then it's not an issue - if there is an imbalance in terms of feelings then it's bound to be an issue. Someone who doesn't have a want for sex should not do it out of any sense of obligation but the other person may have some serious thinking to do about the relationship and they have every right to do so.

No sex, please, we’re British.

I enjoy it once in a blue moon if I happen to be with a very loving extremely attentive partner who cares about my orgasms as much as their own.

The rest of the time, it’s out of sight out of mind.

Probably has more to do with being ruled by the mind. To be honest, I more sexually aroused by a gorgeous house, or amazing holiday, or spectacular piece of clothing/jewellery. I think this is very normal for women, too.

Otherwise, I am more excited by ideas rather than physics sensations. Actually, I enjoy food and wine more than sex, and I’m less like to have food and wine cheat on me or give me an STD, or risk an unwanted pregnancy.

Most people are clumsy and selfish and their hygiene standards leave a lot to be desired. But for that rare person, I’ll make an exception, but mostly it’s not even a thought in my head.

I don’t mind if I’m missing something here, one of the benefits of this sort of mindset and preference is that a craving for sex has never made me make poor decisions, for example in choosing a partner or risking unwanted pregnancy.

I don’t see it as a need. Yes I have it a few times a week but I don’t need to, I could quite happily go without.

I’ve gone well over a year without sex before and it doesn’t bother me at all.

For a lot of people it is a need within a relationship, but for others it’s not.

@DoppelgängerTimes 😁 you sound so content. 😁

To be honest, I more sexually aroused by a gorgeous house, or amazing holiday, or spectacular piece of clothing/jewellery. I think this is very normal for women, too.

If you are literally sexually aroused by a piece of jewellery then I wouldn't say that is particularly normal for women...! Nothing wrong with it but certainly unusual I'd have thought

Well by your definition of ‘need, Healthy people don’t ‘need’ heating in their house in winter, but they’d still be miserable without it.

You don’t ‘need’ to eat food you find palatable or enjoyable, but you’d still be miserable without it.

Not ‘needing’ something to survive, doesn’t mean it’s not essential for a satisfactory life, let alone a happy one.

You are probably in denial about how unhappy your husband is. Married people dating sites survive on the fees paid by men in situations like his.

If sex is not important to you, then it’s really, really hard to understand how it’s so important to other people, but it is.

And as PP said, it’s not just sex, it’s that intimacy and connection that comes through sex. It’s bonding.

Did you need children, or did you want them?

Do you need intimacy and affection, or do you want them? Do you need a relationship at all?

We're all just sentient lumps of flesh who only need food and oxygen and shelter to drag ourselves through three score years and ten but most humans have "needs" beyond those which simply keep us alive. But everyone's on a different scale when it comes to how much they need social contact (which encompasses companionship, sex, platonic bonds, simply being amongst crowds). I don't have a problem with the use of the word "need" in any of those contexts, even if the extent to which I need something is different to the extent someone else needs it.

Personally I need sex in the same way that I need exercise. Yes, I could go a month without going for a run, or getting laid. In both cases I'd be affected very negatively - I would feel significantly less "alive", so to speak.

Also this is not either/or! It's kind of weird to set up a sex vs sleep binary. The answer is both.

Sorry if this has been said before, I haven't had time to read the whole thread. But if you look at Maslows Hierarchy of needs, sex fits into the first category of physiological needs..it's ingrained as a most basic need along with food and shelter, mainly because, as with animals, sex is required in order to reproduce. But it also fits into the Love category and self-esteem. For obvious reasons. So yes, sex is a need. Although granted, there are various things that impact us during the course of our lives, which change how that need looks for us as individuals.

Do you boy do things that are needed for survival OP? I am impressed with your minimalist lifestyle 😁

nobody needs cosmetics, nice food (you can survive on raw meat and dry bread, nobody needs chocolate, spices, biscuits, cups of tea or butter ) nobody needs a smartphone or to watch tv nobody needs a hairdresser (just chop your own hair off) or to do any sports (walking ir running will do) or cinema or holidays or having a dog….

I guess if you pare down life to basic survival needs lots of things can go, including sex…. But does it? Sex can bring closeness and bonds a couple….

fine if you and your DH are not bothered and don’t like it and don’t need it. But lots of people do and they are not wrong.

Err this. 4-6 times a year wouldn’t be enough for me (or my husband!) so this would be a major problem and with no change most likely would end my marriage. Lots of other people would feel the same

No, it’s not essential for life like food and air. But it’s a genuine need for a lot of people and that’s fine - obviously not you but if you and DH both happy then great. As long as both partners are ok with the frequency

Many relationships will die without it though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Plenty of people do have affairs in this situation, yes.

It's interesting to see how many in here do see it as a genuine need, but we all grab the popcorn when a man comes here and says the same... 🤔

Im nearly 60 and have seen people (mainly men) leave relationships because of the quality or frequency of sex and then spend years having great sex but being deeply unfulfilled in every other part of their lives. I don’t get that because to me sex would come way down the list of importance in a relationship.

I personally do not see it as a “need” and I never have, it just something I’ve done as it’s enjoyable. However since the menopause I’ve had zero desire to do it. Thankfully my dh (been together 35 years) is extremely understanding, we are still very affectionate with each other, and have a happy life together and with our children and grandchildren. We both feel putting all that happiness at risk, for more sex, is just not a rational decision.

Oh come on! I have seen plenty of those threads and most posters are sympathetic to the man and tell him his choices are accept it or leave.

Men get a pasting usually when it’s the wife posting about her H constantly harassing her through groping or sulking.

It’s not the desire for sex that women on here have an issue with, it’s how the man expresses that need. With respect, fine. Without respect in a man-child/ sex-pest way, not fine.

I'm with you OP... and it utterly baffles me that some women that tie their self worth to it.

People like to say its 'healthy' but it comes across very much the opposite.

Sex in itself is not unhealthy or wrong but a NEED for it speaks to underlying psychological issues.

Go without for how long? A year is not long in the grand scheme of things. A month is definitely not. You might start feeling very different if you went a few more years because your partner wasn't interested

What have I just read?

Well it’s not like air and food - you won’t die from a lack of sex. But it’s like friendship, love and other things that contribute to emotional wellbeing - a life without it can be very limited and bleak,

I’m mid 40s now and going through a ‘not fussed about sex’ phase, but from 16 - 40 it was a very strong drive for me and I would have said I ‘needed’ it.

It depends how you categorise need. Need it to live? No. Need it to be happy in a relationship? Yes for the majority of people.

100% a need for some people. Unfortunately if those people are in relationships with people who see it as totally unimportant that can cause a really resentful and unhappy relationship. I’d honestly have a think about how your partner if feeling rather than just yourself?

Just because you can do without it doesn't mean you need to shame other women who don't.

If you're actually happy, why do you need to imply there is something wrong with others who feel differently?

What you’ve read is correct. If you class sex as a “need”, like food or water, you have an issue. You must be seeking it every single day and prioritising it above other things inorder to fulfill that “need”. If you don’t have a partner that “need” would be detrimentally affecting your life and you’d need help.