Page 19 | No one actually "needs" sex

namechangedforthisone35 · 2023-12-03T05:33:03+00:00

Out with the girls last night and my friends talked about the "need" for sex which I can't fathom. It's obviously not a genuine need like air and food. Clearly if you're ttc, then yes, you need sex. But that's the only situation it would be essential otherwise it's not exactly for survival is it?! My dh and I (43 and 35) dtd maybe 4-6 times a year. He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me. Three kids including a toddler, a dog, both work full time, up at 4.30/5, sleep comes first every single time. Do others really see it as a need?!

Panaa · 30/12/2023 16:56

Eleganz · 30/12/2023 12:45

I think it is reasonable for someone to express their issues in a relationship around the lack of sexual intimacy and how they did not "sign up to that", but ultimately the answer everyone on those Reddit forums needs is "leave the relationship".

However, just because some people choose to behave poorly and rationalise sexual violence in response to an unmet need doesn't mean it is not a need or that referring to it as such is the cause of those problematic behaviours.

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Most of them lose the plot if you tell them to leave the relationships, they go absolutely crazy. The suggestion that they need to accept that they will never have the sex life that they want within that relationship is met with fury and rage!!

As I've said, It's fine to call it a need, but I think it's also just as important to explain that it's also a 'need' for people to protect themselves from sex they don't want and that persons need is going to win out, and that it then made people understand that they are fundamentally incompatible.

Panaa · 30/12/2023 17:04

GodDammitCecil · 30/12/2023 09:01

It’s not ‘none’ @IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos - see above ^^

I still don’t understand why everyone continues to infantilise the poor old man, and insist the OP, who’s fine with the status quo, be the one to raise the subject.

If he has an issue - why can’t HE raise it….? If he has an issue?

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Absolutely.
If he as a problem with it, then he's the one who wants the relationship and sex life to be something that it's never been before so it's up to him to bring it up, not for the OP to feel like she's 'less than' and that he was so good to put up with her so she should be checking in to make sure he's still ok with her lack of libido.

category12 · 30/12/2023 17:08

Panaa · 30/12/2023 16:56

Most of them lose the plot if you tell them to leave the relationships, they go absolutely crazy. The suggestion that they need to accept that they will never have the sex life that they want within that relationship is met with fury and rage!!

As I've said, It's fine to call it a need, but I think it's also just as important to explain that it's also a 'need' for people to protect themselves from sex they don't want and that persons need is going to win out, and that it then made people understand that they are fundamentally incompatible.

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Well, that just shows that they aren't coming from a position of good faith - it's about making the other person do what they want, not about trying to have a healthy relationship.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 30/12/2023 17:21

@Panaa I think the responsibility is on both parties to make sure they're still on the same page regarding things important to them.

If at the start if a relationship we both didn't want DC, but over the years one of us changed our minds, we should be able to discuss that and if there was no chance of the other changing their mind (which is valid), then the one who's "needs" changed needs to decide if they want to stay in the relationship or move on to find what they want.

Same applies here. If at the beginning it was I frequent sex and both were happy with that, great. If now it's becoming more like no sex, that's still fine for one party to need. But it may not be fine for the other, and therefore a discussion and a decision needs to happen.

I don't understand these relationships where people won't communicate their needs and decide what they want. DH and I talk about everything as and when changes happen. We talk about what we both need to be happy and secure and if those needs don't match we find a compromise we're both happy with. If the day ever comes we can't (I hope it doesn't), we'll make whatever decision we have to.

PaintedEgg · 30/12/2023 17:25

I can sort of see when people may struggle to understand that its on them to leave - because sex is often seen as a trivial reason to leave, especially if children are involved

same goes for people who want to leave a long relationship because they no longer go on dinner dates with their partner or do things together. It is perfectly valid reason, but most people would probably question whether the person leaving is being serious

Panaa · 30/12/2023 17:40

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

then the one who's "needs" changed needs to decide if they want to stay in the relationship or move on to find what they want.

So that would be the DP if his needs have changed, because the OPs haven't.

People should assume that the sex at the start is the best it's likely to get. If it's infrequent and sparse at the start then the vast majority of the time it will end up even less than that.

I don't understand these relationships where people won't communicate their needs and decide what they want. DH and I talk about everything as and when changes happen. We talk about what we both need to be happy and secure and if those needs don't match we find a compromise we're both happy with. If the day ever comes we can't (I hope it doesn't), we'll make whatever decision we have to.

In an ideal world then everyone would handle it that way but unfortunately many don't. But the lack of communication about sex in their relationship isn't a sure indicator that there's an issue either. Some people are actually ok in those kind of relationships even if it's torture for others.

Panaa · 30/12/2023 17:44

PaintedEgg · 30/12/2023 17:25

I can sort of see when people may struggle to understand that its on them to leave - because sex is often seen as a trivial reason to leave, especially if children are involved

same goes for people who want to leave a long relationship because they no longer go on dinner dates with their partner or do things together. It is perfectly valid reason, but most people would probably question whether the person leaving is being serious

It's weird though because when it comes to this issue there's often a lot of talk of 'setting them free' and 'letting them go'.
But that's not how most relationships end.

It tends to be the one who can't tolerate it anymore who leaves. If a relationship was making me miserable for whatever reason, or if I was deeply upset in a relationship because the man had no libido I wouldn't be waiting around for him to set me free 😅

It's interesting because in problematic sexless relationships where there are a lot of arguments about it it's often the one who doesn't want sex who ends up leaving, because they can't stand the arguments and pressure anymore! It can be a horrible environment for both people.

There doesn't seem to be any of that tension or conflict in the OPs relationship which suggests that it probably isn't really an issue for this man.

GodDammitCecil · 30/12/2023 17:47

Same applies here. If at the beginning it was I frequent sex and both were happy with that, great. If now it's becoming more like no sex, that's still fine for one party to need. But it may not be fine for the other, and therefore a discussion and a decision needs to happen.

And the DH is free to raise it, if it’s bothering him. If.

The onus should not be on women to be the ones to begin communication, to facilitate the relationship. They’re a couple. Men are just as capable as women.

The OP started the thread to ask if sex was a need, not to discuss her relationship, per se.

I do think it was (actually very) odd to come back to the thread after it had died a death to tell us they’re still not having sex….

But none of that detracts from the fact that the man has a voice in his head and can use it. Has just as much responsibility as she does for raising anything that needs to be discussed.

Especially if he’s the one that’s unhappy. Again - if.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 30/12/2023 18:08

@GodDammitCecil actually OP started the thread to tell people they don't "need" sex. No discussion. And she's repeatedly said the same thing. She doesn't need it so it's not a need.

LolaSmiles · 30/12/2023 18:15

Agree with you GodDammitCecil
Both people in a relationship have a responsibility to communicate if their needs aren't being fulfilled in the relationship (sexual or other needs).

More often than not issues linked to sex are actually issues linked to communication, either broadly in the relationship or two people have realised they're on different pages but neither of them wants to rock the boat in case it brings uncomfortable topics to light.

For some people ignoring the elephant in the room and drifting along 70% satisfied in a relationship works for them and they prefer that to being single. Others will leave, and others will drift along until they see other options.

Panaa · 30/12/2023 18:15

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 30/12/2023 18:08

@GodDammitCecil actually OP started the thread to tell people they don't "need" sex. No discussion. And she's repeatedly said the same thing. She doesn't need it so it's not a need.

She shared her opinion on it and asked for other peoples opinions.
Her responses then seem to be influenced by people making out her husband is unhappy but not telling her.

puncheur · 30/12/2023 18:19

You seem to be working from a very limited definition of the word “need”. Have a look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (google it) to get the full picture.

GodDammitCecil · 30/12/2023 18:20

Maslow’s hierarchy of need has been discussed throughout the thread, @puncheur

GodDammitCecil · 30/12/2023 18:21

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 30/12/2023 18:08

@GodDammitCecil actually OP started the thread to tell people they don't "need" sex. No discussion. And she's repeatedly said the same thing. She doesn't need it so it's not a need.

The point being, she didn’t start the thread to discuss her relationship, per se.

GodDammitCecil · 30/12/2023 18:46

Forgive me OP, but this just appeared in my FB news feed and did make me snigger.

I’d venture to say that the OP’s DH is far from being the only one in his particular boat!

PaintedEgg · 30/12/2023 18:48

@Panaa I think it comes from people who would have preferred to be "set free" - so that they're not the villain in the story

there seem to be this weird belief that to end a relationship you need some sort of serious reason, a threat to your wellbeing almost. Being unhappy is often not seen as good enough reason if there is no abuse, but children and mortgage are involved

Recently I spoke to a man who mansplained to me that marriage meant shared responsibilities and goals, he believed that he or his wife didn't need to be happy - which to me sounds like miserable business deal, but to him staying with a woman he had no desire or even warm feelings for was the right thing to do

he also called me immature when I said that as I can be self-reliant, to me relationship is supposed to be happy or its a pointless sacrifice of each other's time :)

Panaa · 30/12/2023 18:53

puncheur · 30/12/2023 18:19

You seem to be working from a very limited definition of the word “need”. Have a look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (google it) to get the full picture.

Maslows hierarchy of needs is just a theory, it's clear that although the ones on the bottom are very much 'needs', water, air etc. when it comes to the others different things matter to different people.

Even when it comes to the next most important level a lot of people don't strive for all of those things, they're happy enough as long as they have some of them.

So the hierarchy of needs is more like the potential needs that individuals might have or seek to fulfil, but most people don't need or want every single thing that's on the list.

Panaa · 30/12/2023 19:07

PaintedEgg · 30/12/2023 18:48

@Panaa I think it comes from people who would have preferred to be "set free" - so that they're not the villain in the story

there seem to be this weird belief that to end a relationship you need some sort of serious reason, a threat to your wellbeing almost. Being unhappy is often not seen as good enough reason if there is no abuse, but children and mortgage are involved

Recently I spoke to a man who mansplained to me that marriage meant shared responsibilities and goals, he believed that he or his wife didn't need to be happy - which to me sounds like miserable business deal, but to him staying with a woman he had no desire or even warm feelings for was the right thing to do

he also called me immature when I said that as I can be self-reliant, to me relationship is supposed to be happy or its a pointless sacrifice of each other's time :)

Oh yeah 100%.

I've had this discussion with many people too, online and sometimes in person, this fear of looking like the bad guy/villain if they leave and I ask "who is going to think that?" and "why does it matter, who cares what those people think?".

There's a lot of people in dead bedrooms who are in dead marriages like the man you spoke to, but they still try to get their partner to have sex with them even though they know they don't want to. It's just so fucked up to me. People like to convince themselves that they're stuck and trapped even though they just don't have the courage to leave.

I mean of course people can feel trapped due to kids and financial obligations etc. but many people in even worse situations do and have left every single day.

I'm with you completely on the last part, happiness or there's no point. It's very sad that so many choose to stay in a relationship that died a long time ago, just for the sake of it.

PaintedEgg · 30/12/2023 19:33

@Panaa I wonder if they actually want to have sex or are they just saying it to further the "its not my fault" narrative

either way its wrong but I wonder which type of wrong it is

puncheur · 30/12/2023 19:48

GodDammitCecil · 30/12/2023 18:20

Maslow’s hierarchy of need has been discussed throughout the thread, @puncheur

As someone who frequently feels irrationally angry at posters for not RTFT I wanted for once to experience life from the other side as it were.

LolaSmiles · 30/12/2023 20:41

I'm with you completely on the last part, happiness or there's no point. It's very sad that so many choose to stay in a relationship that died a long time ago, just for the sake of it.
I agree and suspect it's because it's easy and comfortable and some people would rather have a relationship that's 70% fulfilling than be on their own. It's like one or both of them know there's incompatibility, but they don't communicate, see what can be resolved and what can't, or leave so both can be happy and fulfilled. Instead they drift and hope the elephant in the room doesn't come up.

Agree with you and PP about the "set free" behaviour too. There shouldn't be anything wrong in saying, as friends of mine did, 'we're not working as a couple and have drifted into being more like friends or housemates'.