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Original poster

No one actually "needs" sex

471 replies

namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 05:33

Out with the girls last night and my friends talked about the "need" for sex which I can't fathom. It's obviously not a genuine need like air and food.

Clearly if you're ttc, then yes, you need sex. But that's the only situation it would be essential otherwise it's not exactly for survival is it?!

My dh and I (43 and 35) dtd maybe 4-6 times a year. He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me. Three kids including a toddler, a dog, both work full time, up at 4.30/5, sleep comes first every single time.

Do others really see it as a need?!

OP posts:
saraclara · 03/12/2023 08:30

"Need" doesn't mean "to survive". It can mean "to be happy".

Exactly.

We use need about all manner of things. 'That cake needs another five minutes in the oven'. 'I need to leave five minutes early today'. 'I need some help with this'.

Most people have needs in a relationship, whether it's sex, to feel loved, to be supported, etc.

Bigcoffeemug · 03/12/2023 08:30

I think if I was up at 4.30am every day I'd struggle to find the energy for sex more often that that too. I enjoy it, but if I'm really tired then it just feels like a chore (as the only opportunity we get is at the end of the day). Though if I can push past that "another thing to have to do before I can go to sleep" feeling I never regret it. Anyway, I wouldn't say it's a "need" but I think a lot of relationships including mine would suffer without it.

Ilovelurchers · 03/12/2023 08:30

I need sex in the same way I need affection and intellectual stimulation. I don't literally die without them, but figuratively feel as if a part of my does.

Deathbyfluffy · 03/12/2023 08:31

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 06:39

If sex is genuinely a ‘need’, what about all the single old, unattractive, overweight men, who need sex?

What are they supposed to do?

Or is it only a need when you’re in a relationship?

And if it’s a need, and the other person isn’t up for it, what should the person who needs it do?

what about all the single old, unattractive, overweight women?
Theres plenty of them around too, seems unfair just to pin it on men!

Velvian · 03/12/2023 08:31

No it is not a need, it is a desire and a choice. It is really dangerous to describe sexual desire as a need. It is a myth that allows vulnerable people to be exploited and traumatised everyday.

SiennaMillar · 03/12/2023 08:40

Just looked at some studies online:

“lack of sexual interest was significantly associated with a higher risk for cancer mortality among males”

So, you could argue there is a ‘need’ in the strictest sense of the word. But for most, sex is a much loved and necessary part of a healthy relationship, without which, life would not be as fulfilling. My well-being would be drastically reduced if it weren’t for my marriage, including sex.

Hecate01 · 03/12/2023 08:44

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 06:39

If sex is genuinely a ‘need’, what about all the single old, unattractive, overweight men, who need sex?

What are they supposed to do?

Or is it only a need when you’re in a relationship?

And if it’s a need, and the other person isn’t up for it, what should the person who needs it do?

A lot of these men pay for it. I work in a hotel and know the female escorts well and they are making good money from men who need sex.

Oblomov23 · 03/12/2023 08:44

Need? No.
Not like food or water.
Posters above, saying I need it, I can't accept that it's a need. A want, yes. Not a need.
Important for many, yes we can accept that.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 03/12/2023 08:46

It's a need inasmuch as friendship is a need, hugs, affection, stimulating conversation, interesting work is a need. It's something that if I didn't have my life would be worse and my mental health would suffer. It's not a need like food or shelter, I wouldn't die without it, but yes I need it. You may have a different viewpoint about it but that doesn't make yours the correct one.

pinkfondu · 03/12/2023 08:46

I dont NEED chocolate cake but I really crave and enjoy it!

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 08:47

Deathbyfluffy · 03/12/2023 08:31

what about all the single old, unattractive, overweight women?
Theres plenty of them around too, seems unfair just to pin it on men!

Show quote history

You’ve helped make my point.

Unappealing men just take or buy sex, or very, very resentfully go without.

Unappealing women just go without and accept it.

Sex is not a need, otherwise we’d be excusing all the awful
men who just take it or buy it.

And we definitely do not excuse them.

Oblomov23 · 03/12/2023 08:49

Need. Did you need it, as a child, before the age of consent? No. Do you need a friend, a hug, a supportive partner, now? Need? Want? Like?

Depends on your sex drive. Depends what you think is important in a relationship. Also depends, as a pp said, if you've had amazing sex before even good sex is fantastic and makes you feel nice.

Zamzamzamdeedah · 03/12/2023 08:50

It being a need doesn't mean rape and AS is excusable, of course. Like need for social interactions doesn't excuse stalking and assault if interaction is not given....

MaggieBsBoat · 03/12/2023 08:50

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 03/12/2023 06:25

Well obviously it's not a need if you're only talking about things that keep you alive, like air and food.

But that's not really what people mean when they talk about needs. Sex is a need like social contact, or friendship. If someone said "I need my friends", you wouldn't quibble over the word need and point out that friendship isn't like air.

i think this in a nutshell.

It‘s a normal human need to feel close to another human in a loving, secure way.

If you aren’t needing the sex bit then it maybe ok as you are getting intimacy from your DH in other ways. In relationships without it at all the love withers, resentment builds and self-esteem distintegrates. I’ve been there. Horrible.
I don’t have a crazily high sex drive but I look at my DH and I know I want him and no one else. He hugs me and strokes my arm in bed at night and tells me he loves me all the time, so if we don’t have sex for a couple of weeks for whatever reason- we manage- if there were no intimacy there, we wouldn’t and the missing sex would be a catastrophe.

Original poster
namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 08:51

I don't want anymore children and therefore I don't need sex.

Intimacy and affection can be through other means in a marriage.

So no I don't need sex.

OP posts:
Mummymummy89 · 03/12/2023 08:51

Something can be a need, and at the same time one has no right to demand it from someone else.

Saying sex is a need for most adults (which I do believe) does NOT excuse rape, coercion or prostitution.

There is very little in life quite like it so analogies like air, food or companionship don't quite work. For a start, children need those things.

One thing I am sure about, is that marriages can't thrive unless both spouses are happy with the quality/frequency of sex.

Another thing I suspect from observing and talking to people is that many people who say they don't need or want sex often (such as the op) say this because they aren't having quality sex, or don't have a good emotional connection with their partner. I think very few people have a naturally low sex drive.

Zamzamzamdeedah · 03/12/2023 08:52

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 08:47

You’ve helped make my point.

Unappealing men just take or buy sex, or very, very resentfully go without.

Unappealing women just go without and accept it.

Sex is not a need, otherwise we’d be excusing all the awful
men who just take it or buy it.

And we definitely do not excuse them.

Show quote history

I know a male escort. Even women don't just go without forever.

Quite frankly, even "unappealing" women have higher chance of sex than slightly less average male.

perfectcolourfound · 03/12/2023 08:53

BlueEyedPeanut · 03/12/2023 06:19

Of course some people need certain things within a relationship. Do you need fidelity? You would survive without it, but your relationship might not. Same goes for children, affection, attention, respect etc. There are many wants that are still relationship-ending when they're not met. Therefore, they are needs.

This

Blondebutnotlegally · 03/12/2023 08:58

SheIsStuck23 · 03/12/2023 08:08

Of course it’s not a need. People obviously survive without sex.

It’s a want, not a need.

Obviousky it’s great to have (partner depending) but nobody is going to die because they aren’t having sex 🙄

I do have sex with my husband but it’s only 1-2 times a week on average. Sometimes we’ve gone a month without it but it doesn’t bother me.

From being on this forum for many, many years I find the claim “I need sex” is generally just used as an excuse to cheat.

Coming from someone who gets that "need" regularly fulfilled... 🙄

No one is going to die if they were destined to never talk to another human being again but for many, it would make them pretty miserable

Duh · 03/12/2023 08:59

There are lots of things we don’t need but life would be pretty miserable without them. Food doesn’t need to be tasty but it would be miserable to eat food that tasted unpleasant or just neutral forever.

If both you and your DH have equally low sex drives that’s fine but it’s certainly unusual at your ages.

Celebrationsnakes · 03/12/2023 09:01

Duh · 03/12/2023 08:59

There are lots of things we don’t need but life would be pretty miserable without them. Food doesn’t need to be tasty but it would be miserable to eat food that tasted unpleasant or just neutral forever.

If both you and your DH have equally low sex drives that’s fine but it’s certainly unusual at your ages.

I thought this. You're only mid 30s and already barely having sex.
I certainly could and would not live like this. Luckily DH is the same.

Blondebutnotlegally · 03/12/2023 09:01

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 08:47

You’ve helped make my point.

Unappealing men just take or buy sex, or very, very resentfully go without.

Unappealing women just go without and accept it.

Sex is not a need, otherwise we’d be excusing all the awful
men who just take it or buy it.

And we definitely do not excuse them.

Show quote history

It is a need for many if by "need" you mean "to be happy and fulfilled"

hopsalong · 03/12/2023 09:02

Did you need to go out with your friends last night? Do you need to be married? Have kids?

I don't think focussing on the word 'need' is very helpful because there are so few fundamental needs that keep us alive.

It's a pity that you and your DH aren't able to enjoy having sex with each other more than you do. What is he doing about sex the rest of the time? Hopefully he also has a very low sex drive, but from the number of men I've heard complain over the years about wives who only 'give them' (that awful phrase) sex a few times a year, it seems more likely that this is a choice you're imposing.

Zamzamzamdeedah · 03/12/2023 09:04

Blondebutnotlegally · 03/12/2023 08:58

Coming from someone who gets that "need" regularly fulfilled... 🙄

No one is going to die if they were destined to never talk to another human being again but for many, it would make them pretty miserable

Show quote history

Actually it's suggested that loneliness can lead to early deaths and is a health risk.

SamW98 · 03/12/2023 09:04

Deathbyfluffy · 03/12/2023 08:31

what about all the single old, unattractive, overweight women?
Theres plenty of them around too, seems unfair just to pin it on men!

Show quote history

And what about the single attractive not overweight people? There’s plenty about who would want a sexual relationship but only with the right person

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