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Original poster

No one actually "needs" sex

471 replies

namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 05:33

Out with the girls last night and my friends talked about the "need" for sex which I can't fathom. It's obviously not a genuine need like air and food.

Clearly if you're ttc, then yes, you need sex. But that's the only situation it would be essential otherwise it's not exactly for survival is it?!

My dh and I (43 and 35) dtd maybe 4-6 times a year. He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me. Three kids including a toddler, a dog, both work full time, up at 4.30/5, sleep comes first every single time.

Do others really see it as a need?!

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 06:50

Interesting different views! I've never understood the hype. I'll take sleep every time!

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 03/12/2023 06:50

For me it is a hugely important part of a relationship. The close physical contact helps me feel connected to, and love by, my partner. It also smooths over any little aggravations. My last relationship ended up pretty sexless (maybe once every few months) and it left me feeling unattractive, unloved, disconnected from my partner and anxious (and REALLY frustrated!!). I ended that relationship for a selection of poor communication/ niggley reasons that I am sure wouldn’t have been an issue if we’d been enthusiastically active in the bedroom. My current partner is on my wavelength and we get jiggly with it every time we see each other - I am so much happier!

GoingOffOnATangent · 03/12/2023 06:51

Agree with @BertieBotts and many other pp.

Not life or death,, but can be a significant factor in your happiness.
The intimacy it gives is bonding, we feel closer and it's an expression of desire and affection.
We've been together 21 years and in that time have had periods where life demands have been so draining it killed my libido. During those times there wasn't any blame or pressure, but once we came through it and had the energy etc to be able to enjoy each other again it improved our connection and mental health.

So from that point of view it is a need (perhaps 'is important' would be a better way of putting it),
There are loads of things which people do or have more/less of, which aren't food or water, but are important and we're sad without them
Laughing
Hugs
Time alone
Time with others
Feeling safe
Trusting your loved ones
Time in nature
Etc
Etc

Original poster
namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 06:52

Our relationship is perfectly healthy with limited, infrequent sex. We don't need it to have a good relationship. There's a lot more to marriage than sex. It's me with the low drive so he doesn't nag me for it.

OP posts:
FedUpMumof10YO · 03/12/2023 06:54

I don't need it. Though I'm a little bit weird and don't need any physical touch from romantic relationships. I'm aware I am odd. I've always been the same. It's definitely a me issue. I don't know why I am this way.

GoingOffOnATangent · 03/12/2023 06:56

When I was at the toddler+1+dog+working hard stage, sleep won every time for me too.

Our relationship was also ok with little sex, there was plenty of glue to hold us together.

But a couple of factors have improved and it is better now there is more balance.

LolaSmiles · 03/12/2023 06:57

Well obviously it's not a need if you're only talking about things that keep you alive, like air and food.

But that's not really what people mean when they talk about needs. Sex is a need like social contact, or friendship. If someone said "I need my friends", you wouldn't quibble over the word need and point out that friendship isn't like air.
Exactly this, and it's also the sort of weird rhetoric that tends to come out mainly on sex in a relationship when one person doesn't see it as important.

There are many other things in a relationship that aren't a need, if the criteria for need is you'd die without it.

  • you don't need to have a partner express affection
  • you don't need to have a partner ask about your day and take an interest in you
  • you don't need hugs, kisses and physical contact
  • you don't need a partner to be kind or loving with their words, why should anyone be bothered about that when transactional speech does the job
  • you don't need to spend quality time with a spouse or partner

After all you're not going to die without any of those things so they're not a need. It's very confusing why anyone would view them as a need or important in a relationship.

IncompleteSenten · 03/12/2023 06:57

The fact you don't have any need of any type for it doesn't mean nobody does and that it can't be argued to be a human need, albeit not a survival need.

JoanMacIntosh · 03/12/2023 07:00

Everyone is different though aren’t they? I count it as a need.

Bobsledgirl · 03/12/2023 07:04

FedUpMumof10YO · 03/12/2023 06:54

I don't need it. Though I'm a little bit weird and don't need any physical touch from romantic relationships. I'm aware I am odd. I've always been the same. It's definitely a me issue. I don't know why I am this way.

I suspect there are more people like you than you realise.

Theresit · 03/12/2023 07:05

It waxes and wanes through a relationship with time and age.

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/12/2023 07:07

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 06:39

If sex is genuinely a ‘need’, what about all the single old, unattractive, overweight men, who need sex?

What are they supposed to do?

Or is it only a need when you’re in a relationship?

And if it’s a need, and the other person isn’t up for it, what should the person who needs it do?

Exactly.

If sex is categorised as an 'essential need' then lack of it could act as mitigation for rape, prostitution, sex with minors/animals.

Plenty of people go without sex.

GoingOffOnATangent · 03/12/2023 07:12

The most important thing when it comes to mismatched sex needs is that you can talk and be honest about it.
Your relationship sounds like a good one.
Do you think your DH feels able to share with you any hopes he may have that another phase of life will come along when intimacy can be enjoyed more often?
I wonder, given your question here is based on disbelief that sex actually matters that much. If he is forbearing with a situation he hopes may change (no matter how little).. it would not be a good thing if he couldn't share that with you (not in a guilt inducing way of course, just in a knowing each other way).

AnImaginaryCat · 03/12/2023 07:16

No it's not a need, as you can live without it.

It is a want though, and depending how intense the want is the lack of will affect a person's quality of life to that degtee. I think intense wants can feel like a need, certainly

Dfferent people want sex in different intensities. Even the same person can desire it at different intensities at different stages of their life.

I think with sex, what a person wants or feels about it is acceptable but only if:

a) their sexual partner wants or feels the same
b) that want or feeling isn't born out of abuse.

For me that extends to if a person wants sex so much it feels like a need to a person not wanting sex and it not being important.

So in other words OP, your friend's opinion is correct for her life and you are correct from yours. It's trying apply your opinion to her life (and vice versa) that is wrong.

GoingOffOnATangent · 03/12/2023 07:18

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/12/2023 07:07

Exactly.

If sex is categorised as an 'essential need' then lack of it could act as mitigation for rape, prostitution, sex with minors/animals.

Plenty of people go without sex.

Show quote history

The word 'need' isn't being used in a sense you could base a legal defence on!
Consent is still a thing!!!
All relationships have multiple needs of multiple types in them (in the sense of 'need' as 'a thing that is important to you'). Relationships that manage to strike a happy balance between what both parties 'need' are the ones we want to stay in!
Consideration for each other is mutual and takes these things into account. If a middle ground can be found, the relationship works.

The rape defence question is a complete red herring for this discussion.
Single people hook up together, or wank, or go without. End of.

sorrynotathome · 03/12/2023 07:21

I don’t need it, which is just as well as I don’t get any! Those insisting it’s essential are just being daft. They are also forgetting that not everyone has a partner.

fulawitt · 03/12/2023 07:23

It's not a need.

BlueEyedPeanut · 03/12/2023 07:24

"Need" doesn't mean "to survive". It can mean "to be happy". Unhappiness within a relationship can kill that relationship.

LolaSmiles · 03/12/2023 07:25

All relationships have multiple needs of multiple types in them (in the sense of 'need' as 'a thing that is important to you'). Relationships that manage to strike a happy balance between what both parties 'need' are the ones we want to stay in!
Consideration for each other is mutual and takes these things into account. If a middle ground can be found, the relationship works
This!
People generally want to be in romantic relationships with people they're compatible with and sexual intimacy is part of that, whether that's a higher or lower drive overall.

There are many parts of a relationship that aren't a "need" if the idea of "need" is equating it to air and water and you'll die without it, but many people tend to accept that they're needed for a relationship to be happy and healthy.

Zanatdy · 03/12/2023 07:28

Wonder if your DH would agree it’s not that important?

Readingineading · 03/12/2023 07:29

Yes I see it as a need. A need for intimacy. Married 30 years , still happens 6-10 times a month, except for the 6 months Ivwas recovering from hart issues.

But if you and your DH are both happy then thats fine too.

wiseoldcat · 03/12/2023 07:30

It really depends on how you see social/ mental vs physical needs, although arguably the two are connected.

Obviously you won't die straight away if you don't have sex in the same way you would if you didn't have water or air.

But for many people there would be a detrimental impact, in the same way as if someone were denied social contact with people or locked into a small room.

I would even say people could die indirectly - or at least have their health seriously deteriorate - because of a knock on effect on mental and emotional wellbeing.

Not everyone needs it in this way, but some people do.

wiseoldcat · 03/12/2023 07:34

It's interesting to think about what "need" actually means.

By your definition OP, no one "needs" anything except water, food, shelter and air - what is essential to survival.

But people talk about what they "need" all the time. We need a flat/ house (not just a shed). We need central heating. We need a kettle. We need friends. We need a job.

I would argue that we need more than water, food, shelter and air to live a reasonable life and to be mentally and physically healthy.

You can survive, sure, but you can't live.

Baneofmyexistence · 03/12/2023 07:35

I think the people with high sex drives will say yes and those with low sex drives will say no. It’s obviously not a necessity like air or water but humans need more than just those alone. Humans need social contact and physical intimacy but on varying levels. Some need lots, others need less. Yes sexless marriages exist but one person is often unhappy with that. They need that physical aspect and release. It’s a mental and emotional need for a lot of people.

Hellenabe · 03/12/2023 07:39

I think it's bonding, and I'm someone who has never experienced great sex. I was a late starter then dated more asexual types or an abusive one. Then tried casual which was ok. I would love to feel it and thinking about the casual route again as I feel like waiting for that special person is now pointless.