No one actually "needs" sex

[namechangedforthisone35]

Out with the girls last night and my friends talked about the "need" for sex which I can't fathom. It's obviously not a genuine need like air and food.

Clearly if you're ttc, then yes, you need sex. But that's the only situation it would be essential otherwise it's not exactly for survival is it?!

My dh and I (43 and 35) dtd maybe 4-6 times a year. He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me. Three kids including a toddler, a dog, both work full time, up at 4.30/5, sleep comes first every single time.

Do others really see it as a need?!

Who is "tying their self worth" to it?

Would you accuse someone of "tying their self worth" to, I dunno, birdwatching or playing netball or eating chocolate, or anything else they admitted to really loving doing?

I feel like there is, probably quite subconscious, misogyny in this post. Because you name women specifically here rather than people. Feels like there may be an assumption her that women can't REALLY love sex, and must merely be pretending to to attract a man....

I can assure you:

A) women can love sex
B) we don't all exclusively have it with men - some don't have it with men at all!
C) for some women love and pleasure in sex is in no way connected to their feelings about relationships or how other people see them.

As by therapist spent ages trying to get me to understand, not everyone is like you.

😂

If a man came on here and implied he was entitled to sex, wanted to coerce his wife, then yes, he'd rightfully be stoned to death on here.

If a man (or woman) came on here saying that their partner had a lower sex drive than them and they were sad about it, and asked for ideas for a solution, we'd give ideas for solutions. Lots of threads like this.

And no, the solution does NOT have to be an affair, or "polyamory", or (worst by far) prostitution.

The solution can often be as simple as improving the quality of the sex so that the partner enjoys it more and then wants it more.

Op keeps saying "I prefer sleep to sex": something tells me maybe her dh isn't very good at it...!

No one said i did, I class sex as I do emotional affection, or respect, or consideration. The relationship might not survive unless you have the same idea of what is "enough". Therefore it is a need for the relationship to survive. No need to over dramatise.

Feeling you need sex as part of a healthy relationship and life is NOT the same as feeling entitled to it and coercing someone.

I'm disabled.

I became disabled following an accident.

Sex is really painful for me.
We went for sexual counselling because my DH really needed sex and was struggling without it. She did warn us that where there are actual physical problems counselling won't always fix it and she was right.

He really struggled in the years since, resentful, angry about my disability generally which impacted on family life, pissed ff that he had to pick up housework.

We are now divorced after his anger spilled over into violence and I called the police.

He has a shiny new non-disabled girlfriend who he is marrying soon.

Sex might be a need. But sometimes that need cannot be met and there's a price to pay then.

It's definitely not a need. It's barely a want when you been with the same woman for more than a decade.

Er, yes!

It’s a key part of an intimate relationship and it’s a normal biological need.

It clearly comes after food, water, a roof over your head, and basic security (ie not living in a war zone) but you can also survive homeless and in a war zone - but you wouldn’t see a home and peace as not being essential human needs would you?

Do both of you a favour and prioritise sorting that out.

Misery isn’t a normal way to live

As someone who has been single several years after always being in relationships I can say that it’s not a need as I’ve managed perfectly well without it however if I did meet someone then it would be essential for me as part of a relationship.

This ^

It’s not a need. It’s a want, or a desire.
I think if we start suggesting sex is a ‘need’, we could start falling down a slippery slope where this ‘need’ trumps consent.

I think you would be very surprised.

This is why all people able to pick their own and do themselves. Erotica, porn, paying for sex has been around since the dawn of time - I really don’t get how anyone has missed the amount of porn, hook up sites etc

Food is a need yet if you go and steal food it's still a crime. You also can't go and demand food from person and assault them if they don't give it to you.
As said, social interactions are a need, but we don't excuse stalkers or assault if the interaction is not given. Same with sex.

🙄
At this point all we're doing is arguing the toss over an exact definition of 'need', as though that is a sweet in stone thing, when it is a word which can mean different things in different contexts.
Some people seem to think / be arguing about
Need = entitled to
Need = will die without

Which are both bollocks

When the context of the original conversation was need = is important to me.

It doesn't have to be misery it's pretty normal, it's just part of being with the same person for a long time. I don't know if it's different for women.

You need food to survive.
You do not need sex to survive. You won’t die from lack of sex.

I really like sex and I like it often. I won’t die without it though. I’ll be miserable, sure, but I don’t need sex for my survival.

FFS no one is claiming you'll die without sex.
Need does not mean life or death. 🧐

Agree with this. I think that we're getting bogged down with semantics over the use of the word 'need'. Sex is very important to a lot of men AND women. People are entitled for it not to be but as ever, others get annoyed when there isn't universal agreement with a point of view. The only problem where sex is concerned is where it affects a relationship due to an imbalance. Again, no-one should ever been obligated or coerced. One of the biggest turn offs would be knowing that the partner is merely doing it out of obligation. If the OP or anyone else has no need or desire for sex and the partner is on the same page, there is no problem but the partner should not feel guilty or ashamed for questioning the relationship if sex is important to them.

Yes, you need a food to survive. Yet we still can't just assault person for food. Hence sex as "need" (nkt death or life need) wouldn't mean SA would be excusable.

Have no idea what you’re talking about, sorry.

I am talking about that it will not trump consent even if poeple consider it "need" because even actual life need doesn't.

I find this quite sad at the young age of 35 you would do without an sexual relationship with your partner.

Did you always feel this way?

This.