Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New partner's coke use

177 replies

blueandpinkbubbles · 01/12/2023 23:34

I'm in a fairly new relationship and he has just told me he does coke every weekend. This was always a deal breaker for me before, but in every other way we are very compatible.

He has used for 4 years and when I asked if he wants to stop he said sometimes. I'm unsure where to go from here. Is it inevitable that it will affect our relationship?

OP posts:
dooneyousmugelf · 03/12/2023 22:17

Absolutely fucking grim. Hard no.

Renamed · 03/12/2023 22:19

Fucksake OP

Lavender14 · 03/12/2023 22:20

Wouldn't even consider taking it further op. A deal breaker is a deal breaker for a reason. Because its important to you in your values and how you choose to live your life. If a bf doing Coke regularly is not within your values or lifestyle then you're not compatible and he's not in the place to be with you. I'd cut this off now before it gets messy.

StripeyDeckchair · 03/12/2023 22:25

Well you should leave because... drugs

But from the way you're writing It's obviously not a deal breaker for you & you'll carry on, end up paying for everything, including his drugs, for the next 5.. 10... 20 years hoping he'll change blah blah blah and waste the best years of your life on this idiot.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 03/12/2023 22:29

Oh dear, OP, I think you need to take those rose tinted glasses off now.

There is no such thing as an occasional drug user. He's an addict.

Grendell · 04/12/2023 00:23

He's already had a negative impact on your life.
He persuaded you to change your dealbreakers for him.
What dealbreaker of yours will fall away next?

LittleMissSunshiner · 04/12/2023 00:29

DifferentUserName12 · 03/12/2023 19:31

I've known a few heavy coke users in my time and none of them became violent out of the blue because of it. In my experience that's that's what alcohol does yet most people on this thread drink.

Most coke heads I know / knew gave up. Mostly they just grew out it and other things became more important to them. For others it took a health scare or losing friends or relationships.

A couple of them died, one by suicide, one of a heart attack. I think both of these deaths were ultimately caused by cocaine.

Show quote history

Coke and alcohol go hand in hand

porridgeisbae · 04/12/2023 00:30

And this is a bad enough dealbreaker to lose, all on its own.

@blueandpinkbubbles I dated a druggie despite being anti- that. I felt bad to go against my principles, and it soon ended badly, too (his drug use won't have helped our relationship.)

catotangent · 04/12/2023 00:30

fulawitt · 03/12/2023 21:31

Good luck dating the duck.

That's amazing

Panaa · 04/12/2023 00:42

He's never shown any signs of aggression and treats me with respect. If that changed then I would be out of there, but I think everyone has flaws. I can live with it as things stand.

If I was wanting to get married or have more children it would be a different story.

Hmm, I'm curious to know what you would have had to hear to make you change your mind about dating him.

It's all very well saying if he shows signs of aggression or stops treating you with respect that you'd be out of there, but you said that coke was always a dealbreaker and now suddenly it's not.

Why are you so sure you'd be 'out of there' if your feelings developed and you were deeply in love and then he started treating you badly? Most likely you wouldn't be out of there.

Also you said you 'think everyone has flaws' but the only flaw you seem to think he has is that he does cocaine but that it has zero negative impact on his life at all in any way. How realistic does that sound to you?

LittleMissSunshiner · 04/12/2023 01:02

I've said my tuppenceworth on this thread and am out of it, as the OP is here only to defend her stance - every very good point anyone makes is simply being used to dig herself deeper into denial.

That's a dangerous state for one so codependent as she obviously is. I hope you wake up sooner than later OP because it's going to be one heck of a brutal lesson.

I will leave you with some suggestions:

Nar-Anon UK
Codependents Anonymous

GandalfTheWhite · 04/12/2023 01:04

I couldn't think of anything worse to be honest

Geppili · 04/12/2023 01:28

Dump

MilkChocolateCookie · 04/12/2023 03:33

Well if you're happy to keep this as a very casual relationship, never spending time together at weekends, then I guess that's ok? It seems a bit limiting though.

What happens when he has his kids in the school holidays?

everybluesock · 04/12/2023 04:29

A lot of mumsnetters live in a very sheltered bubble without much experience of drugs (which is probably a good thing!). During my 20s I partied a lot and was part of a wide group of friends who did the same. For context we were all highly educated, sociable and with great careers but also all did drugs. Not all the time, and not every weekend but definitely at festivals, clubs and parties.
IMO, of the party drugs, coke is the worst as it's expensive, makes most people into an arrogant prick and makes you feel awful afterwards.
There were some people who took it a bit too far and ended up on coke every weekend. As we started reaching our 30s most of us stopped with the drugs and settled down with partners and kids.
I guess my point is - drugs aren't all bad and more common than you think. But every weekend is a lot. What is suspect he means is when he's out with his friends he's doing it. But what you need to ask him if he's doing it when he's by himself or on quiet weekends. If he is then he probably has a problem.

Panaa · 04/12/2023 09:31

@everybluesock

A lot of mumsnetters live in a very sheltered bubble without much experience of drugs (which is probably a good thing!).

OR many have lots of experience of it or at least have experience of having been in a relationship with someone who uses drugs or witnessing the problems it has on relationship.

I'd actually say that given the casual attitude to cocaine that I often see on this site, that either the drug users on here are lucky and that they've somehow never seen the chaos that it can cause in families or that people are in denial.

Drugs are very common, and being against them doesn't mean that posters don't realise that plenty of people from all walks of life do them, it's that we realise that there is a very high chance that it will cause problems based on our experiences.

Great that you and your friend all gave up in their 30s and settled down but that has not been my experience, the men I know who did this in their 20s are still very much cokeheads now in their 30s and 40s, even though they're married and have kids and it causes problems in their lives.

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 09:43

A heavy drug user and shit father. And you call him your "partner" ???

Jesus Christ.

ValerieVomit · 04/12/2023 15:02

CheekyHobson · 03/12/2023 21:28

Not sure what is more of a red flag; your boyfriend’s ex moving their children several hours away from him, or your boyfriend moving several hours away from his kids.

The boyfriend himself is the red flag. This is him. What a sad state of affairs if you justify coke usage to keep a man.

New partner's coke use
Feelingbad23 · 04/12/2023 15:10

He wont stop. Take it from someone who didn't realise alcahol or weed were issues until I was to deep in

Mistymist · 04/12/2023 15:10

Why did you start the thread then? You talked about boundaries and then defended the guy. What were you expecting? For people to tell it's fine?
In my experince, the people I know abusing substances such as drugs and/or alcohol ended up ruining other people's lives while destroying theirs. However casual the relationship may be, it will reach a point where your life will be affected.

BMW6 · 04/12/2023 15:53

Really really stupid OP. You're thinking with your fanny not your brain.

ZekeZeke · 04/12/2023 17:49

Gosh you have really let your standards slide to rock bottom.
This person can't add anything positive to your life.

Ask yourself rhis question and answer honestly, would you be happy if your own son or daughter was in a relationship with a drug user?

HerRoyalHeinzness · 04/12/2023 17:57

You are viewing this as a casual setup, but surely the more you see him, the stronger the connection will grow. Better to have a little bit of disappointment now rather that full scale heartbreak later on.

Hellzbellz25 · 04/12/2023 18:03

Why are you calling him your partner if you don't want anything serious? Sounds like you've already decided in your own mind as you're defending him so why ask on here? I wouldn't risk carrying a tiny spec from his house to my own if I had kids but you do you

EnjoythemoneyJane · 05/12/2023 08:00

blueandpinkbubbles · 03/12/2023 20:08

His children live several hours away from us so he doesn't see them as much as he would like. They talk daily and he sends money every week. He has a well paid, stable job and manages to function at work perfectly well.

At the weekends I'm mainly with my children and he's with friends. I see him when they're at school during the week and some evenings.

He's never shown any signs of aggression and treats me with respect. If that changed then I would be out of there, but I think everyone has flaws. I can live with it as things stand.

If I was wanting to get married or have more children it would be a different story.

OP: My new boyfriend is a cokehead, will this affect our relationship?

Everyone: YES

OP: He says it’s only 2g a week, is that a lot?

Everyone: It’s a fucking buttload, he’s a fully paid up addict, this can only end badly, get out now.

OP: Nah, it’ll be fine.

Why did you even bother starting this thread?