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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New partner's coke use

177 replies

blueandpinkbubbles · 01/12/2023 23:34

I'm in a fairly new relationship and he has just told me he does coke every weekend. This was always a deal breaker for me before, but in every other way we are very compatible.

He has used for 4 years and when I asked if he wants to stop he said sometimes. I'm unsure where to go from here. Is it inevitable that it will affect our relationship?

OP posts:
topnoddy · 02/12/2023 08:49

Why ask a bunch of randoms on the internet ?

It's entirely up to you whether to carry on seeing him or not .

CroftonWillow · 02/12/2023 08:54

Another speaking from experience, you will regret getting deeper involved with this man. Get out before you invest too much into this.

Bogeyes · 02/12/2023 08:54

I bet he is great fun to be with. I had a friend who was great fun but his coke use increased and his "fun"behaviour got worse and worse until he started to get banned from shops for shoplifting. He would upset people in the local pubs and restaurants. He became very well known in the area. His friends all dropped him eventually. Don't get involved please..

Bogeyes · 02/12/2023 08:57

Don't lend your new bf any money...he will ask soon....cocaine comes first (not you).

Random30 · 02/12/2023 09:02

blueandpinkbubbles · 01/12/2023 23:34

I'm in a fairly new relationship and he has just told me he does coke every weekend. This was always a deal breaker for me before, but in every other way we are very compatible.

He has used for 4 years and when I asked if he wants to stop he said sometimes. I'm unsure where to go from here. Is it inevitable that it will affect our relationship?

Absolutely not, he is basically paying for people the whole way along the supply chain to be murdered and raped, so he can get off his face.

That alone makes him an absolute cunt, and the fact he is willfully oblivious to it makes him sub-cunt.

This article is just the first that comes up when I google “murder cocaine supply chain”
https://www.bnnbloomberg.ca/murder-cocaine-and-tears-ecuador-confronts-a-perilous-descent-1.1957653.amp.html
But how anyone can know they are paying for car-bombings and look at themselves is beyond me.
That’s the moral gutter he is in- don’t go there with him.

https://www.bnnbloomberg.ca/murder-cocaine-and-tears-ecuador-confronts-a-perilous-descent-1.1957653.amp.html

ticktickticktickBOOM · 02/12/2023 09:02

If its every weekend that means he can't enjoy himself/socialize without coke being involved so it will affect all aspects of your down time.

So I presume he's been on coke during your dates?

You'll always be wary that he might be on coke when your together so it's kind of an artificial person you're with unfortunately.

It takes the realness out of any good times with him if he's using a substance all the time to enjoy himself.

TrashedSofa · 02/12/2023 09:05

I couldn't be doing with it.

IReallyMissPrince · 02/12/2023 09:06

Either it’s something you’re OK with or it’s not.Nobody else can really say.

When I was young, I wouldn’t have been put off a guy over this. I was mixing in a circle where drug use was normalised, and I didn’t have any real responsibilities myself.

Now? It would be an immediate deal breaker for me. No discussion, no second guessing myself. Just no. I don’t want drug users in my life.

TooShortToReachThatShelf · 02/12/2023 09:08

I wouldn't even entertain the idea of being with someone who takes drugs

2021x · 02/12/2023 09:11

4 years every weekend takes alot of toll on the body and I can imagine that it will effect him during the week.

You dont want to be in a situation down the line where you catch feelings have expectations, and then he has to choose between the drug and you (spolier it will be the drugs). It will make you feel awful in the end.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 02/12/2023 09:12

He has used for 4 years and when I asked if he wants to stop he said sometimes

he is a using addict. Why is this not an immediate reason to end things?

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 02/12/2023 09:13

I'm in a fairly new relationship and he has just told me he does coke every weekend.
he has volunteered this info fast. What isnt he saying?

LittleMissSunshiner · 02/12/2023 09:16

topnoddy · 02/12/2023 08:49

Why ask a bunch of randoms on the internet ?

It's entirely up to you whether to carry on seeing him or not .

LOL cos that's what we do here on this forum ...

Anyway, I hope OP can take on board that this is the only thread where the opinion is unanimous

doomday · 02/12/2023 09:22

Really bad idea to stay. Long term you are likely to regret this relationship and it could destroy your future. Using cocaine every weekend for 4 years? Plus probably a bit more often in reality. What is he keeping back?

It's a new relationship so just walk away now.

FreshFromTheSinBin · 02/12/2023 09:25

This would have been a deal-breaker for me when I was 18, never mind an adult.

Why are so many women so desperate for a man - any man - that they will even consider for a fraction of a second dating one who does coke?

ThankYoufortheDay · 02/12/2023 09:59

So how will you be spending your weekends if you start a relationship with him? If you don’t partake, where will you be?

Bogeyes · 02/12/2023 10:14

Has he invited you to do a line with him yet? He will

JFDIYOLO · 02/12/2023 11:07

From https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/cocaine-use-and-its-effects

"People who use cocaine often may also have more serious side effects and health problems, like:

Headaches
Convulsions and seizures
Heart disease, heart attack, and stroke
Mood problems
Sexual trouble
Lung damage
HIV or hepatitis if you inject it
Bowel decay if you swallow it
Loss of smell, nosebleeds, runny nose, and trouble swallowing, if you snort it

You may have strong cravings for the drug and the high it brings. But the more you use cocaine, the more your brain will adapt to it. You’ll need a stronger dose to feel the same high. This can lead to a dangerous addiction or overdose.

Stronger, more frequent doses can also cause long-term changes in your brain’s chemistry. Your body and mind begin to rely on the drug. This can make it harder for you to think, sleep, and recall things from memory. Your reaction time may be slower. And you’re at risk for more heart, stomach, and lung problems.

Giving up: Many people who are addicted to cocaine go through a phase called withdrawal when they first do this. Symptoms can include:

Depression
Anxiety
Fatigue
Trouble concentrating
Increased hunger
Cravings for the drug
Nightmares
Chills, nerve pain, muscle aches

A cocaine overdose is more difficult to treat. Physical signs include:

Increased sweating, body temperature, or heart rate
Trouble breathing
Chest pain
Nausea or vomiting
Confusion, seizures, tremors

Watch for these mental signs of overdose, too:
Anxiety
Panic
Paranoia
Hallucinations
Delirium

An overdose often leads to a stroke or heart attack. An ER doctor will test for those conditions and try to treat them first. They may also use medication to treat other complications you have."

Cocaine: How It Works, Effects, and Risks

Cocaine is a highly addictive drug that can have serious effects on your health and well-being. Learn what it does to your body.

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/cocaine-use-and-its-effects

Coyoacan · 02/12/2023 11:47

The cokeheads I knew had weird paranoias and would beat up their girlfriends because of imagined infidelities. The Mexican drug cartels indulge in sadism under the influence of coke.

ValerieVomit · 02/12/2023 11:50

Oh for goodness sake read what you have written and get a grip of yourself. No man is worth this rubbish, even if he has a gold plated willy and zillions in the bank. Dump him.

porridgeisbae · 02/12/2023 12:05

@blueandpinkbubbles You know what you need to do, based on your own ethics. I hope we're all giving you a nudge so you feel more able to do it.

Drugs are evil. You didn't want a drug user for a boyfriend, so don't have one.

How long has he kept quiet about it? You thought he was one person so you liked him- now you find out he is a different person.

Blubbled · 02/12/2023 12:08

Over time, regular cocaine use causes changes in the way the brain utilises dopamine, the pleasure hormone, so the user craves more which is why it's so addictive. It seems they cannot manufacture or utilise their own pleasure hormones, so no longer derive pleasure from the things they used to enjoy, only cocaine...and sex, because when high their sex drive increases dramatically. They also develop persoanlity traits that are similar to NPD, which means they become extremely selfish, self-absorbed, deceitful and treacherous. They would be highly likely to cheat if in a relationship/marriage.
Read up on cocaine, cocaine addiction and how the cartels operate. What the cartels do, such as using young women and even very young girls as human sacrifices to Santa Muerte to ensure the consignments of coke get across the border from Juarez is truly horrifying!
Run like your life depends on it before you end up attached and trapped with him, because a coke-head is a walking bio-hazard and can ruin your life!

ExtraOnions · 02/12/2023 12:18

The Cocaine trade is a disgrace, and the people who use Cocaine are complicit in the Slavery, Torture, Rape and Murder of Adults and Children.

Do you want someone in your life who can turn a blind eye to the abuses that are perpetrated, so he can “feel a bit different” every weekend.

Balloonhearts · 02/12/2023 12:23

Nope. Not a chance. I want a man not an overgrown teenager.

Blubbled · 02/12/2023 12:34

@ExtraOnions - You're bang on the nail with what you've said! It is an evil trade alright!
Added to what the cartels do to women and girls in Mexico to facilitate this foul industry, in South America they force farmers to grow the coca plants, so they cannot grow enough food crops to even feed their won families never mind enough to have a surplus they can sell for an income, keeping them and their families not just in penury, but in actual slavery!
The cartels are also so obscenely rich, they own politicians, police officers and industrialists, which ensures those countries remain deeply corrupt and the general populace would never be able to rise out of poverty, unless they join or at least co-operate with the cartels!
Cocaine is a deadly poison on so many levels- personal, relationships, families, nations and every society it takes hold in!