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Original poster

New partner's coke use

177 replies

blueandpinkbubbles · 01/12/2023 23:34

I'm in a fairly new relationship and he has just told me he does coke every weekend. This was always a deal breaker for me before, but in every other way we are very compatible.

He has used for 4 years and when I asked if he wants to stop he said sometimes. I'm unsure where to go from here. Is it inevitable that it will affect our relationship?

OP posts:
HippeePrincess · 02/12/2023 00:41

Bin him off, my ex was a massive coke head (in secret) , notice I wrote EX.

Mayorq · 02/12/2023 00:41

Don't think you need to justify it by going in to his sad it is and what it must say about other aspects of his life like some posters, it's clearly not compatible with your lifestyle, he's told you up front and given you the opportunity to make an informed decision so from that aspect he has been decent and respectful.

Don't try and change him, you'll drive yourself mad, just wish him well and move on

catotangent · 02/12/2023 00:44

You asked him if he wants to stop, and really he doesn't. Yes it will affect your relationship. He uses drugs. Get rid.

LadyWithLapdog · 02/12/2023 00:45

Think of the reasons why you had decided it’s a dealbreaker. Those were your values and haven’t changed.

INeedNewShoes · 02/12/2023 00:51

No way. Come on OP, you know it's not ok.

WandaWonder · 02/12/2023 00:59

Best think now then come back in 5 years and have to ask for more advice as you have 3 kids under 5 and are pregnant again and thought you could change him

For me it's a no

Panaa · 02/12/2023 01:13

Mayorq · 02/12/2023 00:41

Don't think you need to justify it by going in to his sad it is and what it must say about other aspects of his life like some posters, it's clearly not compatible with your lifestyle, he's told you up front and given you the opportunity to make an informed decision so from that aspect he has been decent and respectful.

Don't try and change him, you'll drive yourself mad, just wish him well and move on

She absolutely should 'justify' it because it was apparently a dealbreaker for her and then she met a guy she liked and that went out the window and now she's considering continuing to date him.

So she should remember all the reasons why it was a dealbreaker before and then take on board the things that people with experience of it have said about it.

LittleMissSunshiner · 02/12/2023 01:22

No way. When you've got a deal breaker, that's it.

What happens to us when we violate our own values and breach our own boundaries by accepting the unacceptable is that it's a slippery slope into low self esteem, confusion, and poor boundaries all over the place. Soon our thinking becomes distorted, we're cross applying the same excusing thinking into other areas and before we know it, we've totally lost the plot.

This man is not suited to you. He would have been if he wasn't a drug user. The deal is already broken. If you can't see it like that, then please get help from a counsellor who can guide you to realign your behaviour with your values.

OhHowTheDogsStackUp · 02/12/2023 01:29

No, OP. It's not worth it.

The only way you're going to be in a relationship with him that works is if you fancy getting addicted to cocaine too so you can binge together. And then be miserable together for all the days it takes for your dopamine to rally (not that it will if you're taking it every week). And ill together because both your immune systems are trashed. And spend £50 to £200 every weekend getting bags in. And go halves on all the tissues you need for your permanent runny noses. And call in sick together because you've made yourself too ill for work again.

If he wanted to quit, he'd have done it by now.

Headband · 02/12/2023 01:33

Grendell · 01/12/2023 23:41

So, a dealbreaker in theory, but not in reality.

So is it a deal breaker or not? A deal breaker is something that you will not tolerate and will end a relationship over.

fulawitt · 02/12/2023 02:09

He loves drug more then you. He is asking you to change values. He is not going to change. Let go now before you get burned.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/12/2023 02:11

Wouldn't even contemplate it.

DifferentUserName12 · 02/12/2023 02:21

Every weekend is a lot op. And I say this as a former massive party girl who's not adverse to the odd line now and again in the right circumstances. Every weekend quickly turns into just a bit on the odd Thursday. Then our every Thursday and every weekend. Then he's doing it more days than he isn't. I don't think you should consider a relationship with this guy unless you're OK with this.

LittleMissSunshiner · 02/12/2023 02:43

DifferentUserName12 · 02/12/2023 02:21

Every weekend is a lot op. And I say this as a former massive party girl who's not adverse to the odd line now and again in the right circumstances. Every weekend quickly turns into just a bit on the odd Thursday. Then our every Thursday and every weekend. Then he's doing it more days than he isn't. I don't think you should consider a relationship with this guy unless you're OK with this.

Echoing this, I was also a party girl, weeknights and weekends every week.

I was a heavy user of coke, pills, alcohol. My group we preferred to smoke crack in the end as it made us higher. Then we needed downers to make us downer. I can tell you that I was absolutely batshit crazy, I was not sane, I was not clear minded, I was not honest, and I didn't care about anyone I was in a relationship with. I was hanging out with a large group and in the end every one of us had 'other partners' that we brung out with our crazy group because no right minded actual real partner could come on our mad missions. And lots of one night stands. This behaviour cannot continue.

I'm only alive, well, sane, healthy because I got clean and sober and run a staunch daily recovery that involves many aspects of being honest, reliable, and only doing right.

Drugs are also unlawful, lets not forget, they can result in criminal records and prison sentences.

Pumpkinpie1 · 02/12/2023 03:27

Run you will always be 2nd best to his white powder

CarrotCake01 · 02/12/2023 03:31

It would be a deal breaker for me.
I'm not having that around my child.

CheekyHobson · 02/12/2023 03:39

The whole point of a dealbreaker is that it applies even if everything else is perfect.

ZekeZeke · 02/12/2023 04:55

You are not compatible, you, are against drugs v him a user.
It won't work. You will never, ever be a priority to him.
Run before you become attached.

Borgonzola · 02/12/2023 05:26

Take it from someone who has been there - don't bother with this man. Just get out now.

TheSandgroper · 02/12/2023 06:27

Don’t you mean ex-partner?

And how the hell does “met fairly recently” equal “partner”? Geez, I do not understand.

RocketIceLollie · 02/12/2023 06:28

It'll be an expensive habit and it's certainly not good having someone on coke around your children.

NewMeNewUs · 02/12/2023 06:41

Run. Run for the hills. Echoing what everyone else has said…..
take it from my experience, do not stay with this man

pinkdelight · 02/12/2023 07:11

Why have a dealbreaker if you're going to drop it because you fancy the guy? Doesn't bode well for the power balance and your self esteem if you'll already put up with shit like this rather than be on your own. It's a new relationship and he's a drug addict. Why even debate not leaving?

SpringingJoy · 02/12/2023 07:15

Ew. I can't think of many things as unattractive as an adult man being regularly off his face. Bin him off.

Rainbowqueeen · 02/12/2023 07:23

Well if you plan to have the kind of relationship where you live together and have DC then yes. It will impact finances, could lead to you losing custody of any DC and would take over your weekends.

If you are happy to always live separately, never have kids and see him a couple of times mid week then crack on.

Id be running for the hills