Where are the middle class, middle aged single men?

[HatsScarvesGloves]

I'm late forties, widowed and thought I'd be single forever. I've got used to it. But, somewhat annoyingly, it turns out I would like one last try at finding love again before I give up altogether. I want someone who keeps fit and is a bit cultured and has a reasonable amount of money to spend on going out. Not because I'm a snob (though I probably am) but because none of my friends like the theatre, the ballet, the arts, etc that much and I really miss having someone to do these things with.

So, where will I meet this mythical creature? Is there such a thing as a high end dating site? Where does he hang out? I've thought of life drawing class and tennis club (both activities i want to try anyway). Any other ideas?

Guardian soulmates was excellent and would have suited your purpose perfectly, 2 or 3 delightful dates about 5 years ago. Could have easily recommended It, but obviously defunct. Nice, intelligent women on the whole, and fun during lockdown in particular. Probably attracted a similar kind of guy demographic the OP is looking for to the women I was seeking on there. Lots of sites aimed at your demo op, even now.

Widowed too

Met mine online

At your age you're only looking at the ones that have been slung back by the first wives.

Give it 10 years and they've been slung back twice.

Sorry OP but it's shit pickings.

The maths just don't seem to add up.

For every divorced or single man there must be (approx.) a divorced or single woman (assuming hetero), so why are so many women finding there is a shortage of good men out there?

Possibly the numbers are skewed by there being more widows than widowers, but I wouldn't have thought it was a major factor.

Is it an age thing? If all men look for someone 5 yrs younger, in every age band, then the older a woman gets the less likely there is to be a man available five years older than her (due to male life expectancy).

Or are we finding that there are plenty of divorced / single men, but they don't meet the criteria of "good ones".

Places to meet fairly average decent middle aged thoughtful blokes:

evening classes, church groups, community meet ups, walking groups, volunteering, music / learning instrument classes, choirs, dance classes, support groups, art projects, libraries, lectures, museums, galleries.

@Yetmorebeanstocount a lot of men in this age range seem to just want fun aka sex with no strings, while a lot of women are looking for relationships.

I’m older than you and married, but I often go out alone if DH not available / not interested in a performance and I would say you just get chatting to people in the interval, guys ask to share your table or you get chatting to the guy sitting next to you, although opera and theatre more likely than ballet if you are looking for a date. When you say you want someone with enough money to go out, are you expecting them to pay for you - if so, I think lots would find that offputting.

Opening nights at galleries and events at think tanks also great for finding interesting people. I would say the big issue is whether they want children, because if they do they then they will be looking for women in their mid thirties to early forties (some don’t have much idea are the biological clock). Also, you don’t mention if you have children still at home- I get the impression if they don’t want to start a family they like that your children are at university or older.

@theduchessofspork Depends why? Lots of men out there who've chosen bad careers and made poor decisions in the past, doesn't rule them out for me. I'm in my forties, I'm not naive and I know how to protect myself financially.

Don't get me wrong, when I was in my twenties I wanted (and found) someone who I could build a home and a family with, and that necessitated a stable well-paying job. But I'm well past that phase of life, I'm financially comfortable and now I'm looking for companionship and someone to have fun with. Totally different ball game.

I know two nice, middle-aged, middle-class, intelligent, employed, solvent men (one widowed, one divorced) who have got engaged in the past couple of months. One met his partner at a dinner party with mutual friends, but is very into fitness so could easily have met someone through the gym, park run or something like that. The other met his partner through a dating app.

I am middle-aged and middle-class and widowed. I met my current partner through mutual friends via a large WhatsApp group for a loosely-linked crowd of people who were at my university in the 1980s. I met my last long-term partner (in my 40s) through local volunteering.

Are you in London, op? I’d suggest-
— join the ROH as a friend and go to all the friends’ rehearsals and talk events
-ditto gallery talks and courses
-lrb events?
-rsl ditto

a longshot, excellent suggestions in previous comment, but pop along to the british library if your in London, days out, reading groups, local events, etc.

I found one of these - 46 (I'm 45) own house, loves the same stuff as me. Found on Facebook dating but lives 30 miles away which is perfect to be honest

I know a couple of the men like you describe on the local running club (I’m lazy so haven’t met them there, they’re single dads at my DD’s school) so maybe try there?

I just want someone funny & decent. But I want them to just drop into my life like fate. I won’t do OLD or actively look. Which is why I’m single🤣 but actually I’m good with that. I plan to go to book club in my 60’swhen my DD leaves home!

Jazz FM dating?!

I'm definitely not wanting someone to pay for me. I'd just like someone who can afford to come with me.

I do have DC but they are reaching the age where they have their own social lives and I have some more time to throw at this last ditch attempt to find a needle in a haystack. But maybe also have a good time along the way. Opening nights are a good call...

I'm not in London. I'm in a middle sized city, quite arty, lots going on.

OP, I ask this genuinely and kindly: might you somehow reveal you’re a bit of a class snob early on when dating? It’d put me off, even if someone’s views put me in a favourable light.

I have a really lovely, interesting and gorgeous friend who doesn’t seem to get past the first date or so strangely (or so we thought!). Turns out she has quite old-fashioned views about men paying during initially.

Hahaha sorry to laugh OP. Amateur dramatics 100% no. It's 100% weird, gay or married, often all three.

Rock climbing, trail running, hiking groups in the local area. Definitely become a member/patron of local arts organisations, go to the members only evenings. More single men go to the film and classical music ones than theatre.

My 50+ yr old cousin met her new DH on The Telegraph dating website and he seems pretty much what you're after. Nice bloke, vet, he takes her to the opera and music recitals which she loves.

Both of them divorced and had grown up DC. They all seem happy

I’m on a couple of apps and there definitely isn’t a shortage of men. The problems are either the oversupply of men that don’t meet expectations or that men and women are often looking for different things (sex/casual v. dating/relationship). I don’t have any answers or advice for this problem though.

@Emi199 I don't really know. I haven't been on a real date with a man since I met my husband 25 years ago! I don't think I come across as snobbish, and I'm not a conventional type either. I don't expect a man to pay. I have been called posh several times though. And I do wonder if I can seem a bit aloof at times - a certain type of man would probably say I'm scary.

The ones who are looking after themselves into middle age will be playing middle class sports. Sailing, golf, masters rugby, tennis, cycling. Cold water/distance swimming, running. If you can force yourself to be interested and involved in these you will definitely meet men. I can't guarantee they'll be into ballet!

@Stilts Thanks for the heads up about AmDram. You see, I have no idea how to do this!

Met my husband online dating through match.com. I dated from the site on and off for a few years, had a few shortish term relationships before I found a keeper. Timing and perseverance.

From my personal experience of AmDram... no!