Where are the middle class, middle aged single men?

[HatsScarvesGloves]

I'm late forties, widowed and thought I'd be single forever. I've got used to it. But, somewhat annoyingly, it turns out I would like one last try at finding love again before I give up altogether. I want someone who keeps fit and is a bit cultured and has a reasonable amount of money to spend on going out. Not because I'm a snob (though I probably am) but because none of my friends like the theatre, the ballet, the arts, etc that much and I really miss having someone to do these things with.

So, where will I meet this mythical creature? Is there such a thing as a high end dating site? Where does he hang out? I've thought of life drawing class and tennis club (both activities i want to try anyway). Any other ideas?

Cycling.

Get yourself down to the local gun club or hunt. My father and all of his cronies are always hanging out down there. They’re all stinking rich and enjoy the country life. I was brought up in a large farming family, where we shoot, ride etc. When I was single similar people made it known they were interested very soon on, I only went on 2 dates and found myself in another serious relationship, they do seem to have a knack at being able to identify someone who will truly we compatible, OP I mean this with kindness, but are you sure you’re trying to attract the right type of partner for you?

Yeah op, just get yourself down the hunt and meet Lord Downton, easy innit

🤣

Most 25 year olds aren't gagging for middle aged men

My friend (early 40s) has enjoyed a great deal of success at sporty activities. Kayaking, rock climbing, running club and stand up paddle particularly. Hiking groups seem like fertile ground too.

Avoid groups where women tend to heavily outnumber men like choirs or book clubs!

The truly eligible single men in their 40s within my friendship group would be highly unlikely to get involved with a woman in her 20s or early 30s. They’re looking for women in your age bracket and have always dated in an age appropriate way. It makes me laugh to even imagine them chasing 25 year olds!

Wouldn't they all be Tories? My unicorn is more left-leaning. More of an academic type. Likes nothing better than a good book in a coffee shop, preferably in Italy, while wearing cashmere. Pretty sure he doesn't hunt.

Definitely posted by a man.. It's extremely rare for 50 years old men to have a decent six pack... trust me

My husband's golf club seems like a hotbed of widows and widowers remarrying. The Millionaire Next Door suggests churches - it suggests trying various ones to find the right one and then staying for tea or coffee afterwards. I'm not suggesting fundamentalist guitar twanging churches but somewhere a bit less fervent. It is also cheap in terms of outings though you do have to put something in the plate. My husband's widowed stepmother who is not particularly religious (and I have known her for over 30 years) snapped up a very nice chap there in her 70s. They married and have been having a lovely time with stays on tropical islands and an enormous family wedding with their children, stepchildren and lots of grandchildren.

Unfortunately this is the accurate response to OP's question.

In late 40s you'll be lucky to snare a 60 year old.

(At 60 I can barely get a second glance from 75 & up. It's grim.)

I had a few-year fling with one and it was great! He looked like a 48-year-old Cary Grant, was great in bed and fun to sit around talking & drinking wine with. We traveled and had fun times.

I think your tennis idea is a great one. You'll probably meet men but even more likely you will meet great women who have male friends. Cycling club would be a more direct route but I only cycle for functional reasons so it wasn't for me.

I met dp on Ourtime 3 years ago. He's into art, history and lots of things I love. It was me who put that I was looking for passion in my profile so I guess I'm the sex pest but then great sex is my top priority in a relationship so I wasn't going to hide it. I think i was his 2nd date, 3rd chat, so I agree they don't hang around that long. But he was my 3rd date so I wasn't on there long either! However, the last comments I've seen on Ourtime have been mainly 'ewwww' so perhaps it's gone downhill?

Hinge was fun too but felt a bit brutal.

Oh and I personally think you should be fussy. You're a catch too.

Join a David Lloyd club!

I have just done a quick Google and there are loads of dating apps. One was datemyage.com which is for the over 40s

I am always an optimistic about love but I think you also need to lose some of the tick boxes cause you cam find friends to do cultural activities with and your new love may surprise you and be the opposite.
But places to try - walking groups seem to be a great place for friendship and middle age romance. Language classes. Cultural groups on meetup.com, volunteering/ join boards of some arts and cultural groups,
Getting out and about is going to expand your social circle and increase,the chances of love.

A lot are simply out of the dating market having had possibly one or more bad experiences.

I was out of it and had decided against further relationships.

Met my current wife on a park bench during COVID when she started to talk to me and she’s a lot younger than me.

Be prepared to look everywhere and also to make the first move.

Came on to say this. I am sure you don't realise or intend to be offensive, OP, but your post is offensive to me. I'm working class and have an English degree from Oxford so I'd be able to talk to you about the theatre, I go to the theatre too, earn a reasonable amount of money etc. This is true of LOADS of working class people, just as loads of middle class people are not remotely interested in these things. My family and my friends are largely (not exclusively) working class, most of the people I work with are, and I don't feel we all have generic limitations, we are individuals with a whole range of tastes and preferences (just like middle class people).

Obviously all the replies taking what you say at face value, indicate that this is still considered an acceptable form of prejudice (and class prejudice is especially rife on this site I feel, tho of course loads of posters also passionately oppose it too).

I know you say that you are just "generally really middle class" - what are the qualities you feel you have that show this? That a working class person could not have?

Maybe you will think about rephrasing this, when you consider the offensive assumptions that appear to underlie it?

(In answer to your question, Guardian Soul Mates, if it still exists? Though the Guardian has a left wing bias so you might not go down well if you phrase your requirements as you have here).

Mountain biking, cycling and windsurfing/sailing is how my brother (late 40s, cultured, consultant surgeon) spends his free time....he has had a succession of girlfriends (since his fiancee died of cancer in their 30s) but none have stuck...we are all hoping he will meet 'the one' soon, but he struggles as most of the people he does these things with are happily married with children....

Definitely the tennis club. I’m a member at a quite expensive gym with tennis courts and two of my friends in their 50s have met guys in the members lounge here. Both in serious relationships with them for some time now.

I recently heard old school matching services still exist, I read an interview of someone who runs one and hand picks matches, takes pride in finding compatible people etc. Not tried any so can't recommend, but imagine the sort of person who is sick of old and serious about finding someone good might be found there.

I met my DH at a meetup group.

www.meetup.com

Have a look for the groups in your area. It's not for dating but for making friends, and that can obviously sometimes lead to more!

In my area there's a social group, plus ones for walking, gigs, cinema, etc.

What seems to happen is that when women get older and divorced they don't bounce back in the same way. I may get lambasted for this but as someone who is in their 50s and divorced many of my female friends cope much better being single and don't want to have a man. Men seem to want female companionship and sex more often without much commitment. Theoretically that would mean there's less women about then men but men pick from a wider age pool. Also while there's many men who genuinely look a grim slight in my view there's a lot of women who are in supportive female groups who tell each other how amazing and gorgeous they are because women see the personality through looks. Men go for looks foremost. And also to be honest, middle aged, well educated men, earning high salaries as a generalisation have money to spend on clothes and gym memberships...

@Ilovelurchers I didn't at any point say that working class people couldn't enjoy cultured pursuits. But if I'm looking for someone who appreciates the arts AND has some dosh to spend on having fun, it is overwhelmingly likely that they will be middle class. They might come from working class origins, but there comes a point where they aren't really working class anymore, surely?

It's a bit of a dated distinction anyway, and I appreciate it's not clear cut either. I should have said 'has many of the stereotypical signifiers of middle class' but, you know, it was the title!

Focus on finding someone who is in their 40s, single and not an asshole

Needs to share your values and have a physical attraction. Those are the fundamentals. Not shared love of ballet

Hobbies in common are not essential for a successful relationship

I agree with expanding social circles. Being brutal AND calculating here....if you're working and only have limited leisure time be careful with your social circle..you want people with their own social circle so you can meet their friends and they can meet yours.