Where are the middle class, middle aged single men?

[HatsScarvesGloves]

I'm late forties, widowed and thought I'd be single forever. I've got used to it. But, somewhat annoyingly, it turns out I would like one last try at finding love again before I give up altogether. I want someone who keeps fit and is a bit cultured and has a reasonable amount of money to spend on going out. Not because I'm a snob (though I probably am) but because none of my friends like the theatre, the ballet, the arts, etc that much and I really miss having someone to do these things with.

So, where will I meet this mythical creature? Is there such a thing as a high end dating site? Where does he hang out? I've thought of life drawing class and tennis club (both activities i want to try anyway). Any other ideas?

I think this is a bit ageist. 70s is comparatively young these days for most people. Even if they live to early 80s, it's nice to spend your last few years with a companion.

My STBX is out there somewhere. Seems great on the surface and am sure many women would think they had won the jackpot bagging him, but I know the truth. So, based on that, I think it's all just bullshit. The whole monogamy thing is toxic and men get worse as they get older. I think the male species is at best at around 22 before they have got warped and whilst they still carry a positive influence from their parents and an innocence from their childhood. Year after year after that they just disintegrate into selfish lazy entitled twats. I for one am going to stay single from now on.

Think I dated him...!

He seems thoroughly decent. Although it’s not without its challenges (single dad and obviously no every other weekend childcare!) and emotional baggage so will see where it takes us but right now am v glad to have him in my life and think he’s a bit special

@Flobbyblob ha, ha . I am still married but I know if my H was single and put his profile up he would be inundated - simply because they are seeing only the positives. You often don't see the negatives until you have lived with someone many years and are aware of the twattier side of their personality

I agree with the pp that it's hilarious you're comparing Tom Cruise with the offerings on online dating. If you're correct and I don't believe you are, then if I'm ever looking, I'll definitely head that way to check.

A quick check shows that Tom Cruise is around five years *younger than the female co star you compared him to. He's also had some cosmetic enhancement (whether ordinary aesthetic or surgical I don't know), and Kelly McGillis doesn't appear to have had anything done at all.

A poor example of how the average man ages 'better' than the same age, average, woman,

My STBX is out there somewhere. Seems great on the surface and am sure many women would think they had won the jackpot bagging him, but I know the truth
On the surface mine looks like a catch as well. Intelligent, cultured, funny, good job, one well behaved child, smartly dressed, reasonably fit. But he dumped all of the childcare on me and destroyed my career in order to further his. Destroyed my mental health too, because he couldn’t possibly help look after his own child - he needed to sleep undisturbed every single night so he could do his Very Important Job. Basically he’s incredibly selfish and didn’t care that I had to pick up the slack when he didn’t step up. But I can see how he would be attractive to a woman he hasn’t shit all over.

@lordofcou ...Tom Cruise aside. Monopause really ages...if a man makes a little effort they tend to age better. Whereas us women are coping with drier skin, hair etc..
It's such a cliche for the post 50 year old man who decides he wants more when his wife is battling with anxiety, weight gain and all the other shite that comes at 50...

Meh, life expectancy for single women is higher than those with a partner, so we will see you on the other side @NosamLDN , even if you do still think you look better than any woman over 40

OP I was listening to R4 and heard about Mind over Mountains https://mindovermountains.org.uk/events#:~:text=Mind%20Over%20Mountains%20events%20offer,talk%3B%20and%20group%20mindfulness%20sessions. and thought perhaps it would be a good place to meet men who are self aware enough to do the mental as well as physical work? I'd love to go on one but can't do weekends.

I was 30 when I got with DH who was then 45. He was definitely not rich. I have more than a few friends with partners / husbands that are 10/15 years older. They've all been together a very long time.

Yes, Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis example was a poor attempt by the pp!

if we're talking about the average person I disagree that men age better. They generally look older than same age women. Their appearance of ageing is more acceptable to society, however, hence all that silver fox nonsense. There's an interesting book that talks about this (Hags, The demonisation of middle aged women).

Menopause impacts on women in different ways, not all have dry skin or hair, various posts in active tell us this. Many, and increasing numbers, are opting for HRT.

I think this is a bit ageist. 70s is comparatively young these days for most people. Even if they live to early 80s, it's nice to spend your last few years with a companion.

I understand their point that a working 50 year old is not an ideal companion for someone retired in their 70s, and approaching end of life. 20+ year age gaps are also quite uncommon in my experience.

I do think they’ve not actually read my profile when they message me as well. I’m quite specific that I still go to festivals and raves and I’m a young 50 something.

I do sometimes think ‘aw bless’ and wonder if I should tell them to go out for a drink with my (80 year old) dad instead of they’re lonely.

The single middle aged, middle class men who I know who are fit have decently paid jobs like academic, doctor, engineer are not really into ballet, they might do the odd play or fine dining but probably wouldn't do ballet. My DH is coming with me to the Christmas Ballet but most of the time I'd be going with my female friends.

Cultured men of that age are more likely to be into hip beers and breweries, electronica, avant-garde or rap music, collecting vinyl, playing squash or running, rather than playing tennis or life drawing classes. I often attend art short courses to learn new skills and there is a dearth of mature men at these things, its mostly women and the odd younger person. I am also sorry to say it but most of these men do tend to date younger almost exclusively.

I know one guy who meets your requirements culturally loves the ballet and opera, may be found hanging out at a life drawing class but he is skint, never finished university, a bit of a lush but still he only dates younger women.

yes I definitely agree with that part of it.

I'm quite involved in the ballet world, from audience member, always having danced myself, to friends and relatives who dance and/or have danced professionally. Hence name change.

I'd say it depends which city you're in to some extent, as to how diverse the audience is, but there are men from all of those professions in my experience. They're also likely to be older, women and men. While there are many exceptions, and amongst the dancers, they are more likely to be middle class. Same at adult ballet classes and retreats (non professional) though exceptionally few men there, but they would fit OP's middle class, middle aged criteria.

Actually I agree that culturally we do describe older men in more flattering ways...never heard of a silver vixen.
But men don't suffer the sudden hormonal drop women do, if I look at my friends who are married in their mid 50s and beyond the men in my view genuinely look better. HRT helps but it's not a complete cure and most of us taking it want to avoid high doses.

That's hilarious, the idea that men age better.

It's probably equal, but factors such as stress, weather (working outdoors), lifestyle and make up then come into it. Sonit depends.

On the school run where I live, most women in their 40s and 50s look slim, stylish and pretty; most of the men look overweight, slobbish and, as a result, not particularly handsome. I assume this is down to cultural gender differences in expectations and lifestyle rather than biologically-determined.

It's a very middle class, affluent area. The men in manual trades tend to look fitter, but more tired.

See, this is one of the issues ;-)

I see my fellow male's are not making things easy.... :-(

I do know a few friends who have looked to younger women. But I, and most single men of my age I know, are much more interested in someone at our stage of life. Of something permanent. Of engaging with someone in mind, spirit and body. Of someone who holds similar values, a sense of humour and perspective. A relationship of equity and interest.

Why then do some men look significantly younger women? It is not anything more than hormones & sex in my view. When I put a thinking head on, I would not want to deal with someone who may still want children - I have been there, done that, they left home and I want my time. A younger woman will have a lot more of life ahead, have different life priorities and patterns, different social groups, different goals etc going on. And dammit, I plan on retiring early and heading off to see the world some while I can - and a significantly younger partner will still be wanting/needing to work just as I get some freeeeeedom back. An younger woman to me is more work and stress ;-) . And sex does not make up for these differences, or is anyway better with younger in my experience.

A woman of similar age to me will be much more likely to share a similar place in life. We will both have a more complex history - but then also understand why we both need the space and time to live life as we need to. Why every waking minute is not to be in each others company. And yet also have more to chat about and compare, to discuss and differ on. It is much more interesting and equitable on the friendship and partnership side of things.

And heaven knows my physique is not what it was in my 20's. But dammit I can run 5k in a decent time, I climb a mountain every other week, and pedal 100km easily. But I do carry that extra few lbs, I certainly have wrinkles and some teeth that are not as straight as they once were. But then I am comfortable with looking both at the mirror at myself or at a partner and looking more to the eyes and attitude first - knowing both of us have a lifetime of wear on our bodies. But there is so much more to a great physical relationship than a perfect body. In fact my experiences of a 'perfect' body came attached to a narcissist or nutter...neither was a great physical or relational partner. So I prioritise a sparkle and attitude above a nice bum.

But both would be nice ;-) I can but dream.

I tired online dating - heck the reason I have an account on here was to ask advice about meeting 'the right woman'. But I gave up the online dating last Christmas as it just didn't work for meeting who I wanted. There were a good few liars of age and interest in activities, and lot of timewasters and no-shows, and a lot of not going beyond a chat on an app. It was doing my head in.

I can but keep hoping I will bump into some lovely and happy 49 year old lady out in the mountains one day, who happens to like riding bikes, cooking together and building a great friendship and partnership as much as getting things on together...

And I can only commiserate with those of you suffering or suffered the male d*ckheads in life.

Yep. We middle-aged, middle-class single men are all silver foxy gargoyles in lycra; we only stay single for 37 seconds despite being repeatedly slung back, and we only chase 25-year-olds.

Uncanny! Like gazing into a mirror.

@outdooryone great profile! Thing is my friend met someone in his early 50s saying all these things and she's similar (and no kids around) but he was texting foxy 28 year olds behind her back almost as soon as she moved in- sigh!!!

@outdooryone you sound nice. I don't blame you on the online dating. Maybe you'll find someone, maybe you won't; it sounds like you have a pretty great life

My mum is in her 70’s and far fitter than me or anyone I know in their 3o’s/40’s. Having retired 10 years ago, she walks for 12-15 miles every day and recently retrained as a personal trainer. But you are right, put them out to pasture…

I do think they’ve not actually read my profile when they message me as well. I’m quite specific that I still go to festivals and raves and I’m a young 50 something.

They're definitely trying their luck, just like the men nearly 50 pestering women in their 20s. They get the same short shrift too, apparently! They don't seem to realise it's not appropriate.

I do sometimes think ‘aw bless’ and wonder if I should tell them to go out for a drink with my (80 year old) dad instead of they’re lonely.

😀

I agree with you @Takenwithtea outside of sports clubs (where I think same age men and women are more evenly matched) the women in 40s/50s are slimmer, better groomed etc than the men. I'm not even taking things like botox and filler into account, which a few use now.