I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

This is the strangest thread I’ve read.

Why does you mum have free access to your house and the apparently desperate need to do your laundry? Is she unwell?

@Starrmix I can understand your frustration with your mother but I do think a complete ban is extreme. Can you sit her down with a cuppa and tell her, calmly, that her helpfulness is costing you money and while you appreciate her intentions, when she comes round she is not to ‘help’ with washing, ironing or anything domestic unless you ask her to?

Putting aside the weirdness, she cannot possibly be destroying everything that is washed at 40. I often wash stuff at 40 and nothing gets ruined. It is only wool I wash at lower temps on a wool wash. Surely your underwear, shirts, trousers, pyjamas etc are all fine in the 40 wash?

Unplug the washing machine when she comes round?

It sounds like sabotage to me. Does she resent you having nice things?

Sounds ridiculous but could you get a laundry basket that can have a lock added? That way temptation is out of the way.

It seems very odd she's so fixated on this - are there any other things she interferes with as it's not respecting you and your home and it's surprising if that's only over one thing.

OP I get what you are saying about your mum but equally so I think you are exaggerating

She’s a disabled widow and she has nothing to do and doesn’t want to be alone all the time, so she tends to come over at weekends and on my days off. She has a cuppa and uses my internet, watches my Sky tv, plays with my dog, plays with DC if they’re at home. Then she “helpfully” runs the hoover round and puts my laundry in, despite being repeatedly told not to.

I’ve said she’s welcome to come and use the internet, tv, coffee machine, etc if it fills in a few hours for her. If she just wants to be around someone then I’m happy for her to pop in for a bit when I’m at home. But she needs to leave my laundry alone! Obviously she’s taken no notice so I’ve had to stop her the only way I can - by banning her from my house.

You did exactly the right thing.
She has ignored your instructions and polite requests and your frustration entirely.
She's done it to herself. If she can't respect your boundaries then she has lost the privilege of being welcome there.
She needs a wake up call and a total ban might just get the message through.

What on earth are your clothes made of that a 40 degree wash ruins them, no way this is for real.

I think your response is entirely proportionate - you told her repeatedly and she still does it!
Pmsl at the notion you should have to lock your own laundry basket in your own house because she won't respect your home or your belongings.

She won't learn without consequences.

In principal Yanbu and I too would be pissed off if my mum ignored my wishes and kept doing something I'd asked her not to, ruining my belongings in the process.

However I refuse to believe an entire load of washing could be destroyed by a 40 degree wash. Wtf. I don't even use the different settings on my washer, nothing has never been ruined. Unless your clothes are made of fairy dust I don't think this can be 100% truthful.

If you wash all your delicate, shrinkable items together, of course you can ruin a load of laundry if the temperature is too high.
And it's not just the washing machine, it's the insistence on hanging it up carelessly, snagging it or ironing it too hot.

I have ruined many a cashmere jumper by washing at 40 degrees by mistake.

This would drive me mad, the not listening. It's strange.

Let her come over, if that works for you. But perhaps take the detergent drawer out of the washing machine and hide it somewhere so she can't run a wash. Maybe she'll get the message then.

I have a few things that need to be on a cooler wash.

They also tend to be expensive too. Such as silk PJs, wool / cashmere jumpers and dresses.

I would be annoyed too. Very annoyed in fact.

Agree - it's really odd behaviour. Short of hiding/locking all your dirty washing where she can't get her hands on it, perhaps banning her from your home will finally get the message through. It's either that she has a listening/comprehension problem for whatever reason (which is very worrying in itself) or that she takes a perverse delight in ruining your clothes.

It’s good that you’ve set a boundary in place, but bear in mind that if you relent, she won’t be able to help herself as it’s something she seems to feel compelled to do.

You are joking, right? Washing clothes on a 40° cycle does not ruin them. Obviously you value clothes a lot more than your mum. I'm not surprised she's upset.
She is trying to help you and you ban her from coming?

You've done the right thing.

So many people have zero comprehension of boundaries and how to set them.

She's violating your personal possessions and your private space by repeatedly acting in a way that you have directly asked her not to. What choice do you have?

If wanting to preserve the relationship on a different footing, I would say 'mum, I love you very much but I've asked you scores of times to not touch the washing machine and here we are again, you have done. I feel like you're either not listening or not able to take on board what I'm saying so in order to prevent you keep doing the same thing over and over again, I've decided you can't come inside my home. Let's meet up for lunch / coffees / catch ups or I'll come visit you'. You could also ask, 'how would you feel if every time I visited your house, I started moving things around and intervening on your cleaning schedule and doing things you wouldn't agree with?'

I’m not going to lock the laundry baskets in my own house. She needs to leave my stuff alone!

No, laundry is not the only thing she interferes with. It is the main problem. But she will also give my DC sweets and give the dog human food even after I’ve said no. She will ask DC if they want to come to her house even after I’ve said no they can’t. She will pick up my post and nosey at it. A few times she’s been with me when I had to pop to the nurse and she’s followed me into the consultation room. Yesterday I had to pop to the dentist and she was literally putting her coat on to come with me, and I had to tell her she was welcome to stay and watch my tv but she wasn’t coming to the dentist with me. She has always been clingy but hasn’t been this bad until recently.

crikey, can those posters disagreeing or not understanding the issue really not relate?

i know they are just “things” but I take care of my “things”

Your mum just wants to help you.
I feel very sad reading "she uses my Internet, my sky TV" she is your mum ffgs... be a bit more grateful of all the years she looked after you.

You were absolutely right.

You were kind, you've told her your boundaries, she's repeatedly ignored them.

Honestly - well done you.

So you prioritize your 'things' more than the relationship with your mum? Unbelievable.