I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

Any sign of her coming back and apologising yet?

Having a mother, having clothes, having a washing machine, having a voice, having a front door she can lock ? Goodness knows!!!!

I had similar but with a different issue - I won't bore you with what it was - but many repeated requests asking her not to do it made her even more determined to continue doing it. And then it changed into whatever I asked, she would do the exact opposite just to prove she could. Didn't matter how reasonable or sensible the request was. Our relationship is now irretrievably damaged, which is sad.

And just to add to my post above, my mum also elderly and by herself. Her behaviour was definitely deliberate and I can only guess it was some odd control thing. She didn't get any benefit out of doing it.

My mother was a profoundly difficult person so I'd gone 'grey rock' on her and our contact was minimal. I had become clear of the harms and failings she's perpetrated in my childhood and I had unmanageable resentments, plus she triggered my trauma and enjoyed playing me and my siblings off against one another. However, she was also profoundly vulnerable and had a severe mental illness that required 'chemical cosh' injections. She had also endured decades of severe abuse and violence from my dad as well as having her own very odd and brutal childhood.

Anyhow she passed away suddenly and unexpectedly last year. Thank god my last conversation with her had been very pleasant - we'd discussed the weather and local wildlife and she'd told me how much she loved her little flat. But after she died I became distraught at how cruel I'd been to her in her last years. She died because of a needless NHS failing - I mean just senseless - and she would have had another 20 years easily, she was fit and healthy. Her death hit me hard and it has only been after her death that I realise my hurt and resentment at ALL the issues meant I was callous and cruel to her. I should have thought a little bit harder about how I could have been kind to her. Also I could have helped her with the GP appointment and she wouldn't be dead right this minute (she only needed an antibiotic but got fobbed off and died 36 hrs later of sepsis).

I'm not saying any woman reading this should put up with drama, boundary violations, being played, and all the triggering madness that goes with it, especially if your own childhood was really hard because they weren't a great mum. But bear in mind you could feel guilty like me when she's passed. It only really was something I was able to process after she died, sadly. I would encourage anyone brave enough to process it before.

I think you have no alternative @Starrmix

If your mum doesn't respect boundaries in the house, then she can't come round. It is shit, and a real shame, but what else can you do if someone won't behave reasonably?

You did the right thing OP. She has no respect for your boundaries and is desperate to control you. I have gone nc with my mother for similar behaviour and it has been so liberating. Do not allow people into your life who don't bring you joy. They will suck the joy from you.

@JFT I hope you're getting counselling support for this guilt.

I don't read your post and think you were cruel. I am not going to argue with your own feelings about your own mum, but I hope you are getting support.

I don't think your guilt means others should not seek to manage their own relationships in the way they need to. Some relationships are a mess. People have to protect themselves.

@JFT please be kind to yourself. I have reached a stage in life where I don't blame anybody for everything - for example some true crime programmes I've seen have painted criminals as monsters, when a little research shows that they had a terrible start to life, and a mindset formed by that start..

In the end, the only conclusion I have been able to reach is that "stuff happens" in everyone's life, often things that seem unfair. And even in the best of relationships, there is often guilt from those who survive who regret things they might have done differently.

This really sounds like a control thing , and a refusal to accept that you make any different choices to her. She is trying to impose her way of doing things on you, like you are still her very young child.

Well you know she's going to do it, so keep one step ahead of her, IE put your delicate clothes in a pillow case in the wardrobe until you're ready to wash them.

You can do a cold wash, gently cycle (or special wool wash cycle on some machines) for cashmere and wool. Use Woolite. Roll in clean, dry white or light towels overnight. Change towels for the day, then unroll and lay flat. I've even washed a wool pea coat this way. You can use a warm iron (low setting) with a damp cloth to press gently if needed.

Bloody hell, I was everything on 40 degrees no matter what it is.
What are your clothes made of?

Lots of fibers and embellishments need special care during washing.

Just because you don’t own any doesn’t mean you need to disbelieve the OP.

Is not that I disbelieve, my
Mum shrank one of my Dads jumpers down to child size, it does happen.

But speaking of embellishments....I think the OP has over egged it, or it's a stealth boast.

No, I don't think that's the case. I'd say that probably 25% of my clothes I wash carefully or with special treatment, and the rest only go on a 30 wash anyway.

It's not a stealth boast to say that you worked bloody hard and spent money on nice things and that you don't have the money to keep replacing them.

It's the only decision you can make when she's repeatedly ignoring you like this

I think you did the right thing and people who think you are boasting are the odd ones.

It's ridiculous the number of people who think OP is boasting or otherwise morally deficient because she owns some clothes that don't tolerate a 40 degree wash. If she was complaining about Mum spilling coffee on collectors' item books or dishwashing vintage fine china, nobody would be taking it as a personal slight. Clothes get a different reaction on everything. They're too personal.

If you want some delicate clothes yourself, buy some. If for some reason you can't and the thread offends you for that reason, read something else.

I agree with your post but tbh I think if it had been about rare books or vintage china people would have jumped on the OP too. Why do you need rare books anyway? Just clutter. The books should have been inside a glass cabinet.
Vintage china wrecked in dishwasher? Your own fault for having it in your kitchen instead of a cheap set from Ikea.

A lot of people seem to just enjoy the "sport" of having a go at an OP for all kinds of ridiculous things. I've got quite a lot of clothes which have to be washed on special settings and would be ruined if washed on a normal cycle at 40 - a lot of hiking clothing for example. I'd be really annoyed if someone came in and washed them and they were ruined because they would cost a lot to replace in one go. I've bought them over several years and they have lasted very well.

@cmaalofshit - I know what you mean.

Almost all my clothes can be washed at 40 and be fine. I deliberately buy them that way and check care labels. That doesn’t make me morally superior, it makes me lazy!

I do have some cashmere and some exercise gear than have special requirements and I wouldn’t be able to replace them if someone wrecked them - I got them all on sale at less than a third of the price and there’s no way I could afford to replace them in one go.

Also, the way people are reacting to the OP having nice clothes is bizarre. Most people have something they buy that they don’t strictly speaking ‘need’. I mean, we could all be wearing the cheapest possible clothes, eating the cheapest possible meals, living the cheapest possible lifestyle. I bet nobody on this thread who is criticising the OP for having delicate clothes is doing that (if they were, recreational internet use wouldn’t be included).

I’m also amazed at all the people reacting with stunned bafflement at the idea that not all clothes can be washed at 40 degrees with lashings of fabric conditioner. How can someone reach adulthood and not realise different materials need different care?

Why is it 'entitled' (another MN buzzword) for the OP to spend her own money on anything she bloody well likes?

OFGS

People can spend their own money on lovely, special things if they want to!

I agree with your post but tbh I think if it had been about rare books or vintage china people would have jumped on the OP too.

I don't think so. MNers pride themselves on fetishising books and how they can't relax in a house that doesn't have a ton of them on full display and how horrifying it is not to treat them with due reverence. Fine china is pretty popular too.

This thread is a perfect illustration of how so many people end up in massively dysfunctional relationships and friendships. This ridiculous notion that you should utterly subjugate your own home and belongings to someone else's completely unreasonable behaviour, in order to avoid any conflict or offence or feeling of guilt when they die.

There are women out there (more than men I think) living totally miserable lives because they will spend the next 20 odd years pandering to batshit crazy/borderline abusive parents and in laws because they are too scared of feeling guilty one day, when they die!

The OP doesn't need to be cruel - cruelty is saying nasty things. It absolutely is not cruel to protect your own home and children/pets from a person who will not listen!
It's far more harmful to the long term relationship to let this situation go on unchecked.

All the OP needs to say to her mum is that she cannot have her in the home while she continues to disregard and disrespect her wishes. It doesn't have to be shouty or laden with insults - just factual and calm. If this was my mum I'd tell her to see a doctor and get some help in analysing why she behaves like this. OP can still see her mum, go for lunch, phone her etc. But responsibility for this relationship cannot all be placed on the OP.

Something no one who is criticising the OP is considering, is the dh in this situation. If my mil was repeatedly allowed into my house and was trashing things I'd paid for and feeding my pets unsuitable food and undermining our parenting, there'd be trouble in my marriage! The OP has obligations to her husband as well as to her mum - it's his home too!