I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

Lol 🤣You are a cheeky sod .

This last week on MN there have been so many strange threads. Im about ready to get my coat.

How come no one has suggested dementia yet?

This.

I have a similar mother to you. She does not and can not listen.

When I was a teenager she shrunk my silk cardigan. She didn't care a jittery jot. I started doing my own laundry, but occasionally things would slip through the net and would be destroyed. And yet again not a shit was given, she expected thanks believe it or not.

Yes, I do believe that if you have invested in smart clothes made from cashmere, wool, silk and even some cottons that your mother will be destroying your clothes. Expensive clothes require the right treatment. It doesn't take much to read the label.

However, I think your mum has what my mum has. She won't be told by her child what to do. She will continue to do what she sees fit and won't give a damn about the consequences and certainly will never offer to replace what she has ruined.

*"She is trying to help you"
*
Helping would be listening and respecting her space. Not just doing whatever the fuck she likes!

Anyone saying the OP is valuing her stuff more than her mum, should be forced to have OPs mum in their house for 6 months and see how they like having to replace all their expensive clothes, having their parenting decisions undermined and forking out for the vets bill when she's fed your pets unsuitable food!

I came here to say "Stately Homes thread" but someone beat me to it.

I had those lovely reversible skirts that White Stuff did about a decade ago. Viscose, they all shrank at 40C even though the label said 40C. I now avoid viscose. I've had denim jeans shrink, silk pillowcases tear, bras change colour, acrylic knits go bobbly, all sorts happen in 40C washes. The posters saying that garments should be fine at 40C are BU.

Putting cashmere in the washing machine is the mistake, not the temperature!

My mother is also similar. She is not welcome at my house any more and hasn’t been for a number of years. I am really sorry you have to deal with the frustration of being ignored.

If the mum just wanted to help her daughter she would listen to what her daughter is saying and not constantly override her wishes regarding her own things. She would treat her with consideration and respect not just ride roughshod over her objections. That’s how normal families behave,

A permanent ban would be unreasonable, but a short ban to make her realise you mean it seems like the only option you have if she's not listening!

I would have a conversation with her after a while to say you would love her to come back, but only if she promises to leave your laundry alone.

Then if she does it again, ban her for longer next time. Rinse and repeat until she gets it.

Good luck!

I think this is it and always has been. She has never wanted anything in life other than to be a mother, and has never been anything other than a mother. The older I got the more clingy she became. I’m her only child but she’s fostered several others over the years, although she rarely sees them now. But I’m biologically related so she’s glued herself to me and my DC. I genuinely don’t mind her coming over for company if I’m at home. I just want her to stop “mothering”.

I agree with this. Or say what she can do if she feels like this, eg laundry no, hoover yes. Iron no, washing up yes.

But I think it might be best to focus your energy on getting her engaged with other things that don't involve your home. Is there a social/coffee meeting place, or a knit & natter type group she could go once a week?

Lavinia56 - missing the point, she’s not prioritising her clothes - she wants her mother to respect her boundaries. This goes hand in hand with her clothes not being ruined.

Mothers are supposed to look after their kids - it's a basic! OP doesn't owe her unhindered access to ruin her belongings, on account of that!

Definitely ban her from your house.
Change the locks (on the off chance that she has a key) and don't give her a new one.
You can bring the kids to her for a visit and she needs to start finding friends of her own so that she isn't spending her time with you and she has her own activities to use her time. Surely volunteering would be something she could look into?? There are loads of websites that she could spend time browsing before deciding.

Why are some people so adamant on missing the point?

Oh I know mothers like this - I think their desire to feel useful/feel like they're being a "good person" for an ego boost, overrides everything else. It's also a control mechanism: when you were a child they had power over you and probably little power in other domains so they crave that and so overstep when you are an adult.

My DC and I stayed with my mum last year for a few months after leaving my marriage and I got quite a bit of this. Of course I had to bite my tongue as she was doing me a big favour but my god it was hard at times!

One trivial but weird example was she wouldn't stop bringing me a coffee in the morning. I love coffee but I'm quite sensitive to caffeine so only allow myself one a day. I like to savour it after I drop the DC to school and before I officially start working. She knows this it's my only real "habit". Yet she thinks it was a nice thing to bring me a coffee first thing even though I didn't have time to drink it as I was rushing about trying to myself and the DC ready. It was also quite expensive stuff - which she also knew - and money was tight so I wanted the pack to last. I said it was very thoughtful but asked her very gently and politely not to bother yet she would not stop! It was so strange. I'd catch her glancing in the cup to see if I drank any and when she'd bring it up to me she'd say "oh I don't even know if you like getting this coffee in the mornings..." seeking praise I think? Like for me to massage her ego with "oh yes I do, thank you so much mother, you're so thoughtful" etc etc. when in actual fact I've asked you five times now to stop?!

sorry I'm ranting OP - feels good to get that off my chest 🤣 I obviously couldn't tell anyone in real life as it was so trivial and I didn't want to seem ungrateful as she's actually a very supportive mum in many ways, but that shit was just weird - so solidarity to you!

OP, I wonder whether this is her way of "rebuking" you for buying expensive clothes that need special care. Regardless, she clearly isn't trying to help you otherwise there would be some remorse for having repeatedly ruined items of clothing. She should definitely be reimbursing you for the ruined items.

Has she always been like this, ignoring your reasonable requests etc. or is this a recent development? Could there be a cognitive issue where she can't retain information?

OP, has your Mum always driven roughshod over you and ignored your boundaries and your requests? It's very strange oppositional behaviour from her if not. If she really won't listen or acknowledge how many clothes she's ruined and the cost to you, then l afraid you will have to restrict visits to when you can keep a close eye on her. Either that or explain why you can't trust her to visit any more.

I think there's two issues here. One is that you need to make her understand she can't do the laundry. You are already very tolerant in letting her come over very frequently, sit in your house and be involved with you all the time- I'm sure you like it too, but most people would find this too intrusive. The second is that her focus on you seems over the top and suffocating and I think for her sake, and your children's sake, it would be better for her to be persuaded to be elsewhere for some of the time. Let her choose her days to come over and that's it.

She needs some type of life outside you and your children and your house, this level of interference is tipping from helpful and supportive to suffocating and it needs to be tipped back, for her sake as well as your family will become irritated by her if she keeps this up.

I wash everything at 40, nothing has ever been ruined.
I think u are exaggerating a tad

Me too, mostly, but that's because I don't have nice, expensive items in delicate fabrics like OP. And she's entitled to have those items and buy them with her own money, and not have them ruined.

OP there’s no need be so snarky with people, they didn’t ruin your jumper! And people can have decent clothes that can be washed at 40. There’s no need to be rude to folk. You’re the one who started the post! You’ve shot down every suggestion anyone has made, why are you even posting? So you can act like a petulant teenager to anyone who offers a suggestion. You clearly don’t want any opinions or suggestions so why don’t you quit moaning at everyone and go do your washing.

I agree with this. Or say what she can do if she feels like this, eg laundry no, hoover yes. Iron no, washing up yes.
I’ve said she can empty the dishwasher and run the hoover round if she wants. Just not do the laundry because she keeps destroying clothes. But she won’t stop. She breaks other stuff as well (eg a crystal wine glass last week) but I let it go because it isn’t costing me a fortune like the clothes are.