I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

There's a simple solution. Keep the precious items out of the laundry basket
Why should I? It’s MY laundry basket in MY house. I don’t see why I should have two baskets, one for stuff Mum is allowed to wash and one she isn’t. She just needs to leave it alone!

I don't blame the OP. She has pleaded for her mother to stop and she won't stop despite obviously seeing the shrunken, scorched and holey results. Some people actually have clothes that they don't want thrashed about in a 40 degree wash because not everybody wears polyester. I bet the OP felt like crying about her Christmas sweater after so many other previous incidents.

And here goes the beee kiiind brigade again. Pretty obvious from the thread OP has told her mum not once, but many times. Yet she's still supposed to keep herself get walked all over?

OP have you tried getting your mum to replace the ruined clothes rather than your DH? Might be just the sharp shock she needs. You could make it a precondition for inviting her over again.

You obviously don’t have any decent clothes then. All wool and silk would be ruined in a 40c wash, as would high quality textured cottons.

I would be buying her a lovely wool jumper for Christmas and a silk blouse for her birthday...

Sounds like you need to establish boundaries which you are doing and as your later posts say this is just one example… more a symptom of general clinginess and desperation to continue to mother you in a way that you no longer need.

Banning her from the house sounds extreme but if it helps re-set your relationship and give you the space to have a discussion with her around respecting your space and choices and that you are an adult, I guess it will be for the best. The challenge may be if she’s so upset she feels victimised and nothing goes in because she’s on the defensive.

I have family members who respond like this and the only way to get through is to have independent third parties (sibling / cousin / family friend) mediate and help them see your perspective x

Yeah that’s exhausting and exactly what I’d have done.

But could it be that the underlying issue is that she needs to feel needed and useful? I wonder if she always did this stuff for your Dad, and now he’s gone she doesn’t know who she is without doing it for someone. Is there any way you could you persuade her to volunteer at a charity shop or something?

Actually, it's very rude. I hope this person is better mannered in real life encounters.(But somehow I doubt it).

A person who can even contemplate banning their mum from their house is despicable.

It seems to have touched a nerve amongst people who are probably 'non contact ' with their own relatives. Personally, I love my family and I would never dream of banning them over a disagreement about washing a jumper. A disgraceful reaction.

Sounds like my late MIL OP

I would leave it for a week or two and then speak to her again and tell her, calmly, that she is overstepping and not respecting you, your home and belongings.

My mum is very helpful around my house, the difference is though that if I tell her not to do something, she won't do it! I think it's fine to say- mum, no laundry at all thanks, none. I just prefer it done my way.

It's a shame it's come to this but she is repeatedly ignoring you.

I would let her come around again, but just say only on the condition you don't do the laundry, I love having you here but this is spoiling it.

I don't know why she would want to help if it's not helpful, that's anti-helpful and slightly odd. Real help is always appreciated.

I am very happy for her to come round for company and have a coffee, watch tv or play games on the internet etc. I just want her to stop destroying my expensive possessions. Asking repeatedly has made no difference. She can’t grasp that some clothes don’t get washed at 40c and she won’t leave them alone.

I think you are over egging the pudding with this post.
A 40degree wash wouldn’t destroy hundreds of pounds worth of clothes.
Just unplug your washing machine when she visits if it bothers you so much .

Of course a 40 degree wash can destroy things like wool, cashmere, even shrink stuff (my last denim skirt shrunk on 40 degrees). The point is- if you say to someone, don't do my laundry, leave it all please, they should do that!

You don't have to justify why that's the case.

On purpose 100%

Ask her if she would be kind enough to wash one of your sweaters by hand, with special gentle liquid in lukewarm water. She has to dry them by rolling in a towel, then naturally, flat.

Which all takes ages. Then thank her, she’s saved you a lot of time.

This post proves over and over again that you haven't a clue what you are talking about.
Stop. You're embarrassing yourself now.

I didn’t read it that she’s broken off contact with her mum or anything (i agree, THAT would be extreme), more that she’s said mum, no more coming round here until i can trust you not to put the wash on when i’ve told you not to!

I don’t think that’s unhinged or anything? Just telling someone they can’t come over until they accept my house, my rules?

The mum could solve it instantly by putting her hands up and saying ok ok my bad, won’t do it again. She doesn’t need to cry and flip her lid.

I absolutely sympathise with the interfering and washing etc but I don’t understand your references to her watching your ‘sky tv’ and using the internet. Why have you commented on that?

Of course it will if OP was just about to put on a cold wash for wool or other delicates.

People ARE more important than things…but tbf I’ve never had a load that’s worth £250. Your mum should be valuing your feelings in your house over her need to see an empty laundry basket or hoovered floor. Why don’t some people listen!!

But she isn’t helping, and op has told her this multiple times. Washing certain delicate clothes on any setting other than wool/handwash absolutely can ruin them, I’ve done it myself by mistake. Ops mum has upset her by repeatedly ruining her clothes and hasn’t changed her behaviour, and is now experiencing the consequences of her actions.

You don't have to have anyone in your house whom you don't want there. If you feel sorry for your mum, you could give her an Internet subscription for a Christmas gift.

Make her pay for all of the clothes she has ruined.

She clearly needs to feel like she has something useful to do though. Could she volunteer to wash clothes for a charity shop in her own home? If you don't want to subject a charity to this potential problem volunteer, perhaps she could join a lunch club, or other groups your local AgeUK may be running.

One wool sweater £80. One kids sweater £50. One men’s overshirt £120. Yesterday she put those three items in a single wash and ruined them. There’s £250 right there.

Do you think my mum doesn’t know how plugs work?

I'm LOL that some people haven't got boundary violating relatives to the point they can't comprehend the situation and have even gone so far as to argue that items can't get ruined at 40 degrees and basically accusing the OP of inventing crap.

It's quite remarkable. Life is strange, people are funny. I wouldn't wish a violating parent on anyone but when you've got one you know how it is.