I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

It sounds like your mum feels useless and is absolutely desperate for a role in life where she's needed.

Is there any chance of getting her involved in some hobbies? Something where someone can help her if necessary, as she's disabled?

I have done this repeatedly over the past couple of years. She takes no notice. Then I yell at her because she’s ruined something and we fall out. She stops for a bit but after a while she does it again. She just won’t accept that I don’t want her to do stuff for me. Yesterday was the last straw - £250 worth of clothes ruined in one wash. I told her the only way to make her leave my stuff alone is to not let her in my house.

I think it's ok to ban her from your house until she leans to listen to you. I would go absolutely ballistic if my mum repeatedly ignored what I say in my house.

@Lavinia56
It isn't about the things. It's about ignoring boundaries and other peoples requests. Amd, actually the things. Replace £300 sweater with any other £300 thing repeatedly ruined, and it seems worse.

By those criteria, the OP's mother prioritises her desire to do other people's laundry over her relationship with her daughter.

Do you not respect other people's boundaries either?
My relationship with anyone is based on respect and boundaries. And If you don't respect my things then you clearly don't deserve a relationship with me.
Some people have such low standards of what they tolerate from others.

Of course not. That would be silly and I am not saying that.

I understand the frustration, is all.

being upset at this situation is normal.

The op isn't saying she won't meet her mother elsewhere or have a relationship with her; she's simply stopping her things being destroyed, after all the kind avenues have been ignored.

Oddest thread I’ve ever read either, all these clothes destroyed on a 40 degree wash, and a mother who can’t resist washing clothes.

very odd indeed.

My mum was like this. I think it's a certain generation and personality style. There's no getting through to them because they don't care, not only do they not care, they think their preference over-rides your human right to decide for yourself. People who weren't raised with a parent like this are very lucky and very clueless.

My mother is passed away now and gone too soon. I feel terribly sad that because of the way she was, I had taken a self-preservation defensive stance against her and pretty much blocked her from my life. I also failed to help and support her when she had quite serious issues because I didn't want to get 'dragged into her drama' and was resentful that she severely harmed me as a child. It's only since she died, I realised there could have been a much kinder, gentler, and charitable way to treat her. Her life was awful in many ways and it wouldn't have killed me to have been nicer to her despite all the resentment.

I guess it's about flipping the script - instead of feeling furiously angry with her and defending self against her, can you laugh at the situation and lightheartedly say 'mum you've done my head in so now you're not coming in my house, you know why' but then do think of how you can be kind to her in other ways and make sure to be there for her? Maybe do some new things together?

Yes loads of stuff is fine at 40c. But if she does a 40c wash and only one item is ruined, that’s still cost me £50-100. All sweaters and cardigans need to go on a wool wash, some can’t go in the washer at all. At least half of DH’s shirts need a 30c wash, and so do my wool trousers.

She sounds unhinged in all honesty. I don't understand her obsession with your laundry.
The first few times maybe she genuinely was trying to be helpful but if you've repeatedly told her to stop (to the point you've fallen out multiple times) and she's still doing it, that's malicious.
Well done for banning her from your house.

There's a simple solution. Keep the precious items out of the laundry basket, wash them on their own and let mum crack on with the rest of the laundry.

I don't base relationships on 'boundaries' but if there's a problem I find a solution, and not one that involves banning a family member from my house.

No wonder so many people are 'non contact ' with their families. Banning your mum from your house is contemptible, especially over such a trivial matter as laundry.

My mum does this to my sister.

She's never attempt it with me because she knows she would get kicked out instantly.

Your clearly not firm enough with her.

My mum also domineers my sisters spare time and life in general.

I just wouldn't have it op.

Let her cry and be upset and tell her that's how you feel every time she interferes in your life!!!

Your a grown adult.

We both work full time with a business children and dogs but I still wouldn't let my mum come and just take over.

I've seen first hand how domineering and controlling my mum can actually be with my sister so I'm imagining your situation is similar.

You might want to go over to the statley homes thread on here

You haven't a fucking clue what you are talking about.

My mum was like this. I think it's a certain generation and personality style. There's no getting through to them because they don't care
I think part of it is the fact that she’s never owned a wool sweater in her life. Her clothes are from Tesco or Primark or Matalan. She could afford better clothes but doesn’t see the need to spend more. Of course she thinks everything gets washed at 40c, because all of her clothes always have been. She thinks I’m being ridiculous insisting that different items have different care instructions. When I pointed this out to her she said “oh you just ignore what it says on the label, that’s just rubbish”.

But that doesn't solve the issue of Op's mum giving the kids and dog inappropriate food.

There should be mutual respect between family members, and Op's mum isn't respecting Op.

Goodness, how rude! Are you this rude in real life? I hope not.

30c is my default wash. Loads of items are 30c max. I only regularly wash towels and bedding at higher temperatures. Silk and some wools need a cold wash.

OP it sounds like you’ve tried gentler ways to address this and it hasn’t worked. I think you’ve done the right thing. Maybe it will encourage your mum to find other ways to fill her time and hopefully to nurture some friendships, so she is less dependent on you.

she's tried that - the mother doesnt listen

The simple solution is mum not fucking about with someone else's laundry after being told multiple times not to. Are you honestly suggesting someone shouldn't use their laundry basket for their laundry because someone else can't keep their hands out? Does OP need two laundry baskets? One for the precious items and one for general clothes? What happens when mum roots around in the one with all the delicate stuff and ruins more?

If it's such a trivial matter then OPs mum should have no issue packing it in.

I've never been no/low contact with a family member because most family members tend to respond reasonably with one has a small issue. OPs mum doesn't seem to be responding reasonably!

It's not rude.
It's a fact. You have zero notion what your are talking about.

That is very strange. Does she have a compulsion to switch the machine on?
Put the laundry basket out of her reach and unplug the washing machine
It's a bit harsh to ban her from the house

No Lavinia56 anyone has an absolute right to do THEIR laundry in THEIR way in THEIR OWN HOUSE !!!!

All the OP's mum has to do us respect the boundaries and preferences that the OP has repeatedly set out, which her mum continues to totally ignore!

No sweets to OP'S children, no human food to dog AND DONT TOUCH THE LAUNDRY

You are so wrong it's laughable

I wash everything at 40, nothing has ever been ruined.
I think u are exaggerating a tad