I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

If the washing machines be is in a utility room (?) put a lock on the door and don’t say anything
She can help in other ways around the house.
If the washing machine isn’t in the utility room hide the detergents from her.

Very annoying Yes, but banning her from the house is a bit extreme, surely there are other ways to deal with this?

*Help is only help if you actually want or need it.

Otherwise it's interference*

My mother is also like this and when she tells me she's 'just trying to help' this is exactly what I say to her. She moves furniture and rearranged my kitchen once do I made her put it all back how it was even though she got huffy and upset either me.

I still wash the majority of my clothes at 40 though as I don't own expensive clothes and am too lazy for the amount of faff involved with multiple wash types!

It’s not, snarking at someone ‘do you think my mum doesn’t know how to use a plug?’ And ‘you obviously don’t have any decent clothes’ no need for that!

@Nanny0gg please see my updated comment.

I was thinking the same.

Most of my laundry is done on a 40c wash, apart from bedding and towels, they get 60c.
White bras or anything with Lycra gets a 30c wash or else it goes grey. My washing machine has a default setting of 60c which caused a few teething problems with white bras and undies when it was new until I realised why. I have to select the correct temperature for each load. No biggie though.
The cashmere sweater I can understand, silk shirts, maybe? Gossamer silk chiffon nighties?
I wouldn’t have time to hand wash so many clothes.

I actually understand the frustration. OPs mum wants to help, but this washing obsession is horrible. My exh had the same mum - it was even worse, she would collect all the clothes around the house and shove them to wash at 40 degree. Including dry-clean only suits etc. I think its like a compulsion, and this old lady clearly agrees with some of the posters here that nothing can get ruined at 40 degrees. You obviously never owned anything made out of wool, silk or cashmere I ruined a lovely woollen jumper lately when it accidentally got in with cotton wash.

But, OP, your mum is old and lonely - I would not ban her, its cruel. She might be a pain in the bum, but she is not doing it to hurt you. Maybe just hide all the stuff from her or unplug the washer?

I get it and you've done the right thing. I have lots of beautiful clothes that need special treatment to keep them nice. If anyone felt the need to interfere with things like my washing, that I am perfectly capable of doing myself, I would also ban them from my home.

For the people that can't comprehend - imagine if a person went into your purse and started burning £50 notes. How would you feel?

This is a boundary issue.

My DM is the same - thinks a life of servitude is her role in life and will not respect what you ask her not to do.

I could reek of a list of things she has damaged / destroyed because of this (which she won’t then take responsibility for).

The last time this happened, she was staying over & I had a basket of clean washing in a basket ready for ironing. She ‘told’ me she was going to iron the stuff. I specifically asked her not to.

The next morning I heard her get up at 6:30am and when I can downstairs she was ironing (the stuff I had asked her not to) my now DH’s underpants.

She won’t respect my wishes (this is one of many controlling things she does) so I now pretty much grey rock her and am LC.

Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Why are you choosing freedom to wash your own way over family relations, when you could manage it by hiding your washing? If you did that you'd have both control over your washing and the benefit of your mum coming over, meaning benefit to both you and to her.
You seem to not like your mum much, from the way you objectify her-"Disabled widow with nothing to do". I was quite shocked at that description. She's your mum, not some busybody neighbour in whom you have no interest.
So I'm guessing the reality is she just basically pisses you off, and the washing is your way of justifying that.
Feel quite sorry for your mum that you patronise her in this way.

You're guessing wrong.

That's the sort of stuff my mum would do to my sister. Then she'd ring me and tell me my sister is all shades of slovenly as she doesn't do her ironing etc. The same servile thing going on too.

I don't have many clothes that are very expensive, I also don't have a Mum who would offer any help. BUT I see your point. You have repeatedly asked her to no avail. Unless she has the start of a dementia related illness she doe not have an excuse. I don't think you are wrong in your actions. It sounds infuriating.

Oh, just reading your posts, OP, is making me grind my teeth! This would drive me nuts (and I have a secret washing basket in my house for anything white or delicate as DH wangs everything in the machine together, and yes has ruined some really expensive items so I feel some of your pain ... ).

I would see if there's any way of persuading her to take an interest in other things/take up hobbies - you don't say what age she is but U3A or craft clubs, book clubs, charity shop might be possibilities.

Personally, I do not think you've been unreasonable as you've repeatedly stated your boundaries, let other "smaller" things slide and she's still not listening. That is not OK.

And then perhaps let her back in the house when you've fitted a washing machine lock

Excellent response. Much better than what I was going to type !

It does sound extreme, OP, but if you've really tried everything else - talking to her, offering other jobs she can do if she wants to be useful - and she absolutely will not stop, then no, I actually don't know what else you can do bar literally hiding or locking away the laundry and I can see why you don't want to do that. You'll still see her but if she truly cannot be stopped from doing this sort of thing then yes, it'll need to be in places where she can't do it.

Do you think a temporary ban like this will work to make her realise you mean it and she needs to stop doing this?

Wouldn't it be more proportionate to ask her to visit you when you actually can spend some time with her, rather than having her hanging around your house looking for something to do?

Ask her to lunch, let her help you wash up afterwards.

After everything you've said, I can't believe you were still inviting her to stay in your house at a loose end.

Presumably those who react badly to boundaries in real life and this is hitting a nerve!

Honestly, if it was me I'd have banned her long ago!

Its OPs home FGS, she isn't taking her washing round to her mums. She shouldn't have to lock her stuff away lest her mum ruin it despite being told a huge number of times not to!

Her mum is an adult. She's been told not to do it and repeatedly and internationally ignored that boundary. Actions have consequences. She can't be trusted so she isn't allowed in.

I get how annoying this is, but she's your mum and seems very attached to you. you are very lucky to have that and I say that as someone who wishes they had a loving mother

FGS change the locks and don’t give her a key!

This is so odd what is her obsession with doing your laundry????

Also you must have really fancy clothes if you have so much that can’t be washed at 40?

I have two jumpers that are hand wash only. Everything else goes in at 40 degrees even if the label says 30. We used to do 30 but we’re both quite sweaty so it never washed well.

People are not 'lucky' to have someone in their life who constantly oversteps their boundaries, costs them money needlessly, and endangers their pet's lives.

My dm used to put everything on a 60 degree wash when I lived at home.
She was also ruthless with a hot iron- not a good thing in the 1980s when T-shirts with iron-on transfer pictures on the front were all the range!!

Banning your mum is ridiculous. Take the fuse out of the plug whenever she visits- job done!

If this is the only way she will listen then yes it has to be done .
Also invoice her for the cost of everything she ruins .
It may only be once she sees how it effects her she will stop.

I have to agree with this. Over the years I have bought lots of hand wash only items and washed them carefully. But once I have had them a while I tend to bung them in the washing machine and in 40 years have only shrunk one item.