I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

This is all very odd. If you know your mum is obsessed with washing your clothes why didn't you press start before you answered the doorbell. How long were you at the door? You took 2 hours to notice. Sorry but it seems all a bit strange. Maybe don't invite your mother over when you have delicates to wash? You must have a lot if this happens continuously. Maybe do your washing when your mum isn't there. Or keep your laundry basket in your room. Endless possibilities .

Maybe they're doing same thing to their kids!! LOL

Probably because they treat people in a similar way and ignore boundaries, think they know better.

In what universe does a 40degree wash destroy clothes?

In what universe does a 40degree wash destroy clothes?

In one where you own a lot of woollen and silk items.

All right @GrumpyPanda , wind your neck in, I’m not part of the ‘be kind brigade’ as you put it. I offered my opinion and @Starrmix responded saying she has tried taking to her mum several times - fair enough. 😂

YANBU here at all .I have Cashmere sweaters hand wash in Stergene or similar all the way .They shrink in the wash even at 30C . Can you not go to hers sometimes? She needs to learn boundaries .It sounds like shes lonely and wants to "help" ,Good for hoovering ,Not so good for washing and ruining your clothes !

I am no domestic goddess, neither am I a wealthy fashionista with fabulous garments - but - have plenty items that say 'handwash only' or 'delicate wash only' and these go in my machine on a 20 degrees for 15 min cycle or on the one called 'delicate'. I dunno what planet everyone else lives on but this is my lived reality in London UK as a very average unremarkable person.

Not if the washing machine has a cold temperature wool programme, as Miele does.

She broke your crystal wine glass as well!!

Keep her locked out until she understands boundaries and pays the invoice for breakages

or

you replace everything in the house from Primark and let her back in

To be fair to OP, I once ruined a beautiful jumper of mine on 40. I used to be like OP's mum and just ignore washing instructions. It was a sad and expensive mistake to make!

OP's tried talking to her mum countless times about this and it just continues. I don't see what choice you really had left OP. If she won't listen, a (temporary) ban might just get through to her!

Don't lock HER out, put your washing baskets in a spare room and lock the bloody door!

I'd be more worried about what she feeds the dog! Could make it poorly or kill it!

How old is she?

(and I'm not asking from a 'generational; pov. I'm fanatical about how my washing is done)

100%

Clearly a few cards short of a deck. Sure, it’s a shame she’s lonely and widowed and disabled but thousands of people in similar circumstances manage not to systematically destroy other peoples stuff. I’m fortunate enough to live a long way from my batshit parents and just have the phone calls to look forward to, my possessions at least are quite safe.
See if she’ll join some social stuff for older people, there’ll be a number somewhere on the council website where you can get a list of centres that do this.
if you’d like to eventually accept her back in the house it may require you to do something drastic like locking her out of the kitchen. Lots of people who live with disabled relatives or elderly people with dementia have to do this.

Help is only help if you actually want or need it.

Otherwise it's interference

And clearly you don't know that much about textiles

Gosh OP, this would drive me mad. It sounds like your mum is lonely, which is sad, but she is also a grown up and she should really be able to manage her emotions at her age. She should absolutely be respecting your boundaries regarding the laundry.

I have to say her relationship with you and neediness do not sound healthy to me. If she is a widow, perhaps this is part of her grieving process. Have you suggested she speak to someone, or join a book club or something? I haven't read the full thread so forgive me if someone has already suggested this.

It’s not just the clothes is it, it’s the not listening and ignoring boundaries.

i guess if im being kind maybe she is worried she feels like a burden so feels she has to do something. That she can’t just sit down and relax? Could you give her other stuff to do, like clean the oven or make a cake?

dh banned my mum from the house but that was because of exceptional rudeness, he turfed her out mid rant and slammed the door on her. She never came back, I used to go to hers or meet her for a coffee. So it is possible to carry on a relationship without her coming to your house. Though she’s shot herself in the foot as she seems to get a lot of benefit and comfort from being at yours. Maybe if you withdraw the ban after a couple of weeks she will have learnt her lesson? But make sure she’s knows she has one more chance only.

Sorry forgot she was poisoning your dog and stepping on your parental responsibilities as well.

Keep the door locked.

Send her a list of your boundaries. If she can't accept them then she can't come back in.

Also, someone did mention dementia... maybe rule that out. I suspect it's her personality to be fair, but I'm not a doctor so it might be worth giving consideration to with the experts.

*edited because of typo's.

My mum did this with my family’s clothing when we were staying with her and it is really infuriating but it was totally different because I was in her house not the other way round.

I sympathise. I think you do need to tell her to not interfere and that trying to help you in this way is actually interfering. Not sure what else you can do! I think this must go deeper than the washing.

Nonsense!

OMG. You have just described my mum. She doesn’t ruin things usually, but she won’t keep her hands off my washing. Just leave my fucking washing alone! I don’t need or want anyone going through my washing basket. Conversations don’t make any difference, she just won’t bloody stop.

She’s my mum and I love her so I grind my teeth and bear it but I don’t understand it. OP, I feel your pain.

I wouldn't blame her for the wine glass though, I mean stuff gets broken, we break plates all the time in our house (clumsy, hard floor).

That's just being part of things. Doing your washing when expressly told not to do it, not so much.

OFfS

The universe where certain fabrics/dyes have to be treated in a certain way

She could volunteer in schools to read with children, knit for babies - there are so many ways to 'mother' outside of your adult child.

P.s. perhaps she could also do with some therapy.. or family therapy.