Husband got annoyed at shoes I was wearing to airport and said I needed to make more effort

[Mathea]

I was hoping to get some views on something that happened a couple of days ago.

My husband and I got into a taxi to go to the airport. We were off on holiday.

As soon as I got in the taxi, he looked at my shoes and got annoyed. He said 'you're not wearing those old trainers to the airport are you, why didn't you wear your new ones?'

I said I didn't because my new ones were covered in mud from a park run, and I wanted to bring trainers on holiday and may as well wear them to the airport (all the other shoes I was bringing were sandals). I said I didn't think they were that bad, although they definitely don't look new.

He got annoyed and irritated. He says 'it's important that you make an effort when you go to the airport' and that I 'don't look scruffy'.

Once we were at the airport, I questioned him about what exactly was so bad about them, and I said I thought it was weird how he was so annoyed. He said they are awful. He then started talking about how it's important to make an effort in a marriage.

On the plane, I felt quite flat and a bit upset by all this. I'm not fussed that he doesn't dig my old trainers. It was the way he got annoyed about them as we were off on holiday, and that I felt he was embarrassed by me.

I then wondered if I was being too sensitive.

Are the old trainers really so terrible? Pic attached.

Would this bother others, or would you just brush it off? Do others think, like I do, that it's weird that he got annoyed?

No, I don't think that's ridiculous either - it's very much about control

It's not the content of what he's saying that's the biggest issue for me - it's the intentions behind it.

He seems to want a feminine wife more than he wants a happy or comfortable wife. He's got a picture in his head of how you "should" present yourself, and is picking at you because you don't live up to this completely invented and arbitrary vision that only he can see.

He sounds like an utter twat. Shoulda checked that bag of insecurities into the hold. And then jettisoned it over the Atlantic.

What does he wear, a suit and brogues ? Unless he comes from a very poor background and has severe class anxiety this is completely out of order. Surely he can see all the people in pyjamas in the airport ? I actually took a flight the other day and a woman had denim hot pants with her cheeks showing lol.

Your trainers look fine.. My other half is very particular about - his- shoes, it's one of the first thing he notices with people but he would never shame me about it..

It sounds like a bigger issue and he's using the shoes as an excuse to bring it up. Why not let him buy you some expensive new ones in the airport, if they offend him so much 😂 then he can watch you walk away in style.. Clip clop..

The trainers are fine but as others have said, that's not the issue.

He's annoyed with you because you haven't presented yourself as he would like to be seen with you in public. Think about that. What an awful, shallow, controlling man!

My husband rarely questions what I wear. If he does comment it's usually to say I look nice! Racking my brains but the odd occasions he has queried my attire it's along the lines of:

• it's cold out, are you sure you'll be warm enough without a jacket?
• it's muddy, do you want me to get your wellies out of the boot?
• are you OK in those shoes as it's quite a long walk from the station.
• oh I didn't realise you were dressing up, shall I put a proper shirt on?

I would be annoyed with critical comments and shut them down.

Crikey. I'd say trainers are the only choice for airport wear! There's a lot of walking and standing about involved in getting through airports at both ends of the journey. He is crazy to say this to you. What was he wearing, top to toe Armani or something? Tell him my dh spent our recent weekend away wearing a full goalkeeper kit and Doc Martens and see what he makes of that.

@ginasevern An affair was my first thought too, comparing OP to another woman as a way to start checking out of the marriage.

OP, I'm not saying he is, but you need to be vigilant and consider it as a possibility. It's part of the script.

Either way, he is a twat and I hope you let him know how hurtful it is, and that it simply can't continue. If it is a longstanding thing, start seriously thinking about what you are getting out of this relationship and what its future is.

I don’t love these trainers, it could be the colour combination that reminds me of my old PE teacher circa 2002. Having said that he didn’t need to be a dick about it, he could have just said « you look lovely when you wear XYZ » rather than tear you down at the airport. What was H wearing?

How strange. That's a truly bizarre reaction to a pair of trainers

I wear comfortable clothes for flying, travel days are always tiring.

Surely no-one wears smart clothes to fly in anymore?

Your trainers are absolutely fine by the way, nothing wrong with them.

He's probably have a heart attack at me in snow boots and tracksuit flying to my ski-ing holiday.

I lived with someone like this. Controlled what I wore. Started off with silly stuff like this to undermine my choices and plant the seeds of doubt and then tell me certain trousers didn't suit me because of my shape. It escalated from there to making comments about friends and family members and questioning me on how I knew my friends really did like me etc.......he would also say things like 'it's ok I know why you have a chip on your shoulder' as if psychoanalysing me.....

My husband starts a row at the beginning of every holiday, no idea why.

Really unpleasant behaviour from your dh op. Don’t engage with it. Or let it affect you negatively. Just reply in a cold way “I think that comment says more about you than me”

The trainers look absolutely fine and not even that old, well by my standards anyway
Had he made much of an effort with his appearance

What else does he try to control? Are you his trophy

I was mentally expecting some very scruffy trainers, not completely bog standard, non scruffy trainers.

Maybe I've been on MN too long but there's a pattern of behaviour some men use where they don't say anything obviously awful or nasty, but they do little chippy comments over time so today it's the trainers, but then another day it would be "you're wearing that coat today? (pause) I prefer the other one" and another day it's "you look much better in..." And another day it's "you've put make up on today, what's the occasion?" and another day it's 'joking' that you've had a lazy day or haven't made an effort when you're wearing a perfectly reasonable casual outfit.

Obviously they're all hypothetical, but it's a script that's seen on here too often. Look out for a pattern of comments that are designed to make you doubt yourself.

Does he seem irritated by you sometimes in general?

I think this could be 1 of 3
things.

1. he wants to erode your confidence and self esteem to make himself feel better. He may be controlling/abusive in other ways too.
2. He has ‘the ick’ which he can’t help coming out of him sometimes. He doesn’t want to have the ick so he is trying to change things about you in hopes that he can overcome the ick with these tweaks. The ick can show itself in many ways from put downs to acting irritated with you for very minor things. Even things such as your mannerisms can cause annoyances. If that is the case it’ll be very damaging to your self esteem long term to stay.
3. His head has been turned by someone else. Either he’s already having an affair or has his eyes set on someone else/a crush. So therefore you a nuisance to him and he will start to have feelings of contempt towards you.

Do you think it’s any of these 3 things?

He then started talking about how it's important to make an effort in a marriage.

Next time he says this, tell him that you agree entirely, and that it's important not to be a controlling twat to the person you're married to.

Oh dear, you need to go buy yourself some 'You've let yourself go' slippers. Unless that thread was also you? Seriously though, I'd be on alert for an escalation in the negging...

At the beginning of our relationship my DH used to ask me if it was ok for him to wear things sometimes. For example ‘would it be ok to wear shorts today’ (in November meeting my friends for a day out 🤣). I would always shrug and say something like ‘wear what you want, just let’s get going’. Didn’t think anything of it at the time but he now says that me really not caring when he wore something that he knew most people would think was a bit odd showed him that I really love him for who he is.

Anyway, your husband is a dick. And not that it matters but those trainers are absolutely fine.

Are you still on holiday? How is it going?
It seems to me that it was an attempt at spoiling the holiday. Or he is preparing the ground for some shocking news.

What a weird (and mean!) thing to say.
I'm a man, and couldn't give two hoots what my wife, my DC or even myself wore to the airport.

Airports aren't a glamorous place like they used to be, they're an idiot-infested hell-hole of sadness and £8 bottles of Coke.
He sounds awful.

All he's trying to do is to control how you dress. Then he'll just try and decide for you what you eat/ who you speak to / where you go etc. It's a question on the domestic abuse questionnaire the police use.

OP, this is the thin end of the wedge. Sit back and watch him then make your decision. If this doesn't stop you need to get out.

Your trainers are fine but even if they weren't the problem is his controlling behaviour, not your sartorial style.

I agree with PPs - he is a negging prick. Now you see it, decide what you want to do about him. I'd say dump him but it's easy for me to say that.

Hope you're enjoying your holiday despite this nasty man.

Well if you're going to throw the trainers out I'm a size 5! They look fine to me and I like want them

OK my partner has a real thing about trainers. He has quite set ideas about fashion and sees himself as a bit of a fashion guru. He expresses an opinion to me (and other people) that we're not wearing the 'right kind' of trainers or that he doesn't like a particular outfit and I (and other people) tell him we disagree and wear whatever we want. It never turns into an argument or becomes a big deal because he might insult the item of clothing but he never insults the person.

You have a much bigger problem.