Husband got annoyed at shoes I was wearing to airport and said I needed to make more effort

[Mathea]

I was hoping to get some views on something that happened a couple of days ago.

My husband and I got into a taxi to go to the airport. We were off on holiday.

As soon as I got in the taxi, he looked at my shoes and got annoyed. He said 'you're not wearing those old trainers to the airport are you, why didn't you wear your new ones?'

I said I didn't because my new ones were covered in mud from a park run, and I wanted to bring trainers on holiday and may as well wear them to the airport (all the other shoes I was bringing were sandals). I said I didn't think they were that bad, although they definitely don't look new.

He got annoyed and irritated. He says 'it's important that you make an effort when you go to the airport' and that I 'don't look scruffy'.

Once we were at the airport, I questioned him about what exactly was so bad about them, and I said I thought it was weird how he was so annoyed. He said they are awful. He then started talking about how it's important to make an effort in a marriage.

On the plane, I felt quite flat and a bit upset by all this. I'm not fussed that he doesn't dig my old trainers. It was the way he got annoyed about them as we were off on holiday, and that I felt he was embarrassed by me.

I then wondered if I was being too sensitive.

Are the old trainers really so terrible? Pic attached.

Would this bother others, or would you just brush it off? Do others think, like I do, that it's weird that he got annoyed?

Is he a scouser? Scousers take airport outfits very seriously 🤷🏼‍♀️😂. Well, SOME scousers do.... this one wears her crocs if she can get away with it.

I don't see anything wrong with your trainers. Is he hoping for a free upgrade or something?

Yes exactly! They likely needed to move people out of economy, maybe a seat was broken, it was oversold, a change of aircraft meant less seats and you were there at the right time! I’ve been early before and they said if I was happy to take an earlier flight I could have First, once my premium seat was broken so they moved me to business. On both occasions I was dressed pretty badly as they were night flights so I’d gone for comfort!

@ILikeMyMenLikeMyCoffeeWhiteAndWeak he isn't from a different culture. He is British. His mum used to dress smart for the airport, but he has been to enough airports to know that in 2023 most people don't do that.

I don't think he was expecting me to wear a dress, though he would have liked me to. Just to 'not look scruffy', which he evidently thought I did, with those trainers.

I’m glad you attached a photo as I was imagining all sorts!

My dad has trainers which are broken.
His toe is literally sticking out and the sole has half come off so flaps as he walks.
He’s not rich but he could afford to buy £20 shoes but he chooses not to as I think he likes to play the victim.

If you were wearing shoes that were very tatty and broken over the shoes that were a bit muddy, then I’d say you were BU.

But those shoes are absolutely fine and your DH sounds like a massive dick.

He sounds like he’s embarrassed by you. (They’re nice shoes and absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about).

Has he said things like this before?

He’s picking at you to justify how he’s currently feeling about you, I would put money on him having a crush/head turned by someone else.

@Mathea my DH encourages me to wear comply clothes/joggers etc and if I’m wearing my big pants and sleep bra tells me I look beautiful and just wants me to be comphy and happy and says I look lovely without makeup. And appreciates when I do. That’s normal and love not someone who expects you to dress for them.

And no he wasn't hoping for an upgrade!

What a complete tosser.
And I would have told him so there and then.
Do not.... DO NOT...let him control what you wear.
If he doesn't like it he can fuck off.

Those trousers look nice on you = compliment
Those trousers suit you better than the ones you usually wear = trying to change your clothes, could be a sign of controlling behaviour. Which seems more likely given the weird behaviour about the trainers.

He's nasty. All these little comments add up and will ruin your self esteem and confidence. You will never put your jeans on without wondering if he thinks they look bad. Or look in the mirror before going out and question whether you have made enough effort. It's insidious and very damaging. It's abusive, it's designed to keep you down. He will start telling you what to wear but not because he has strong views on your clothes but it's a way of controlling you. I suggest you look into narcissistic behaviour.
I'd say leave him as it won't get better. After 3 years he's feeling comfortable enough to show his true colours. I bet he started off making you feel amazing and now he's starting to pick at you and make you feel not good enough.
Stand up to him and don't let him take all your sparkle.

He is picking on you to big himself up and to make his own inadequate self feel better. Such behaviour from him is controlling behaviour and therefore abusive. If you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft it may well help you further.

And no you do not want to stay with someone like him either. He will destroy you emotionally.

It's more that we'd end up getting a taxi short distances which we could otherwise easily walk.

Sorry to hear this OP, as others have said it’s not about the trainers. Does he often seem to be irritated by things you do? I have to say I agree that perhaps he’s trying to justify how he feels, maybe having some doubts about the relationship & seeing the negative side of things more.

ah ok, that makes sense,

Is he the same one who made comments about your cardigan on the way to lunch with his parents?

That guy was a twat, this guy is a twat and if it is the same guy his twattery is increasing.

Sounds like he's more worried about looks than how comfortable you are = he's a self centred materialistic twat

I'll get told I'm being ridiculous, but he is subtly trying to control you and mould you to his preferences with these sly comments. You need to decide if you want to be with a man who doesn't respect you as you are. Right down to your choice of trainers.

The trainers look perfectly fine! Good condition!

That’s not ridiculous at all, well apart from the subtle part, he’s hardly subtle

he sounds to me like a bully who doesn’t respect the op, takes his shit out in her, I notice she’s not responded yet on if it’s just her appearance he does this with, and does he treat her like an equal in other areas of their lives.

Agree with the negging comment. I’d be extremely annoyed at this. It clearly is a wider issue and not about these shoes. My suggestion is to be very very confident in yourself and tell him "this is what I like, I feel sexy and plenty of men would find me lovely in these, if you dont”. "I will wear my best shoes if you try to dress more appropriately for me (Then go on to propose upgrades and see how he likes it.)". “Dressing up for airports was in the 70s, it’s been a while since flying isn’t considered the height of sophistication, have you watched too many 70s classics lately?” . Confidence will make him shut up, and find you more attractive (if that’s what you want). Do NOT let him lower your self esteem. He sounds awful.

He's a prick. Negging is stick an outrageous PUA technique that needs verbally slapped out of them tbh.

He tries to make you feel self conscious for a reason. He'd be getting both barrels if I was you and told in no uncertain terms to stop fucking commenting on what I'm wearing if he wants the relationship to last the distance.

IS this the first time he has commented on your shoes, clothes etc? Or does he have form for this kinda stuff. Are you happy OP?

Sounds like a horrible ex I had years ago. He had an issue with almost everything I wore, basically I gave him the ick.

Unless he's always been this way inclined (in which case he's a first class dickhead) then this definitely isn't about trainers or how you dress. When my DH was having an affair he started to pick me up on every little thing. He had always been very laid back so it was really noticeable and hurtful. The line "He then started talking about how it's important to make an effort in a marriage" is almost identical to something my DH said to me at that time and amongst the barrage of other insults, it was the one thing that aroused my suspicions, which were sadly confirmed.