Husband got annoyed at shoes I was wearing to airport and said I needed to make more effort

[Mathea]

I was hoping to get some views on something that happened a couple of days ago.

My husband and I got into a taxi to go to the airport. We were off on holiday.

As soon as I got in the taxi, he looked at my shoes and got annoyed. He said 'you're not wearing those old trainers to the airport are you, why didn't you wear your new ones?'

I said I didn't because my new ones were covered in mud from a park run, and I wanted to bring trainers on holiday and may as well wear them to the airport (all the other shoes I was bringing were sandals). I said I didn't think they were that bad, although they definitely don't look new.

He got annoyed and irritated. He says 'it's important that you make an effort when you go to the airport' and that I 'don't look scruffy'.

Once we were at the airport, I questioned him about what exactly was so bad about them, and I said I thought it was weird how he was so annoyed. He said they are awful. He then started talking about how it's important to make an effort in a marriage.

On the plane, I felt quite flat and a bit upset by all this. I'm not fussed that he doesn't dig my old trainers. It was the way he got annoyed about them as we were off on holiday, and that I felt he was embarrassed by me.

I then wondered if I was being too sensitive.

Are the old trainers really so terrible? Pic attached.

Would this bother others, or would you just brush it off? Do others think, like I do, that it's weird that he got annoyed?

This. A sister who’s always dressed for slightly bohemian comfort, never anything like fashionable, has at least twice been upgraded to business when flying BA across the pond.

IMO this has been because a) she’s usually on her own, and b) she will come across as quiet and politely well behaved, I.e. the last person to get pissed, stroppy, or cause any other trouble for the cabin crew.

Out of interest, what was he wearing? Because if he wasn't in a three piece suit with a top hat, coat tails and spaffy cane then quite frankly he wasn't making an effort either.

Seriously, if this is a habit with him, then it's a red flag. What you wear to an airport, or what you choose to wear is up to you. If it was a genuine concern about something (for example you were wearing stilettos to go trekking), then an opinion would be useful. Otherwise, he should keep his mouth shut about your attire.

I take it he was wearing a tuxedo to the airport? It’s 2023 not the 1970’s. Nobody gives a shit what anyone wears on a plane these days. The fact that he was offended by perfectly reasonable looking trainers is odd - does he have a pattern of dictating what you wear? And does he control other aspects of your life together?

the trainers are a proxy - he thinks you are not trying sufficiently hard to please him overall.

Bleurgh.

Seat or Wife? He’s being ridiculous, but is it really about the trainers?

Have you posted about him under a different name? it sounds so familiar.

Either way, OP this is not normal and it's frankly unkind. Why on earth is he so judgemental of what you wear?

You are more likely to be upgraded if flying alone, I have a couple of times and very nice it was indeed.

He sounds very nit picky and I fear it is the thin end of the wedge.

His ideas are old fashioned. Getting on a plane is like getting on a bus but possibly worse because you are trapped with a bunch of strangers for many more hours. Air travel is horrible, and yes most people at an airport do not look smart but look dressed for "comfort".

My ex-DH was like this. Bought himself £800 suits for travelling in and expected me to look as if we owned half the county. He was a fantasist, among many other darker things. Sorry, OP. It’s not you. It’s him. How is he in the rest of your marriage?

Your trainers are lovely. Your DH isn't.

What did he wear, so we can compare? However, some men deliberately ruin things for their partner, a nice holiday, a birthday, Christmas, a family get together, a night out. Does he try to take away your excitement at other times?

Please tell us what he was wearing OP.

sorry your husband sounds like an utter arsehole, controlling and picking an argument over a non-issue.

The complaint about your trainers, I would laughter that off. The comment about making an effort in a marriage- exactly how much effort is he making with his appearance for your benefit?

Him saying about those trousers being better than jeans is pretty textbook negging.

He sounds an absolute delight and I wonder what other comments he’s making to you that you haven’t picked up on how harmful they are.

I would suggest taking a hard look at your whole relationship and ask yourself what exactly he is bringing to your life.

I hope I don't sound like I'm jumping ahead unnecessarily, but having come from a recent relationship where small put downs became a part of a much bigger problem, I would approach this and explain that it made you feel a bit crap and set a boundary so that it doesn't happen again. Backhanded compliments, putdowns at exciting times can be a sign of things to come. My ex didn't like me being excited and it's almost like he got insecure when I was so he would have to 'knock me down a peg'.

There is nothing wrong with your trainers, there is something wrong with making your wife feel less than because you feel like it. Set it straight in a polite but firm way.

So you're on holiday now? How has he been since the airport incident?

He got annoyed and irritated. He says 'it's important that you make an effort when you go to the airport' and that I 'don't look scruffy'

Lots of good points from other posters, but I'd be asking as well why he's talking to me as if I'm 12 years old and he's my father. Not to mention why it's important to make an effort. It's an airport, not an interview.

There is nothing wrong with your trainers.

Your husband is either unhinged / controlling / has his eye on someone else and is comparing you to them.

They look fine to me. He’s an idiot.

My husband wears crocs everywhere or actual ugly trainers (yours are fine and not scruffy at all btw) and you know, I say NOTHING. We don’t comment on what the other is wearing because it’s rude, unkind and co trolling. He’s been a massive twat! Don’t feel deflated OP get angry. I bet you’re married to a twat in his 50s with zero fashion who is trying to needle you. Tell him to fuck off and strop being controlling

He's a dick. People in airports mostly dress for comfort when travelling. He needs one of those trainers raised and planted firmly in his ignorant arse.

Nobody normal cares what other people wear in airports - who is he trying to impress??

Wear what you want. Don't let him dictate!

Hey - less of the twat in his 50s!!

Twats of all ages are available!!!

He is comparing you to someone else who has made an impression on him.

The trainers look fine. I'd rather take old and comfy (with maybe one pair of posh slshies/sandals) on holiday.

As many others have informed you already: Your trainers are fine. Your husband's a prick.

He got annoyed and irritated. He says 'it's important that you make an effort when you go to the airport' and that I 'don't look scruffy'.

Does your husband always talk to you like you are a child?