Husband got annoyed at shoes I was wearing to airport and said I needed to make more effort

[Mathea]

I was hoping to get some views on something that happened a couple of days ago.

My husband and I got into a taxi to go to the airport. We were off on holiday.

As soon as I got in the taxi, he looked at my shoes and got annoyed. He said 'you're not wearing those old trainers to the airport are you, why didn't you wear your new ones?'

I said I didn't because my new ones were covered in mud from a park run, and I wanted to bring trainers on holiday and may as well wear them to the airport (all the other shoes I was bringing were sandals). I said I didn't think they were that bad, although they definitely don't look new.

He got annoyed and irritated. He says 'it's important that you make an effort when you go to the airport' and that I 'don't look scruffy'.

Once we were at the airport, I questioned him about what exactly was so bad about them, and I said I thought it was weird how he was so annoyed. He said they are awful. He then started talking about how it's important to make an effort in a marriage.

On the plane, I felt quite flat and a bit upset by all this. I'm not fussed that he doesn't dig my old trainers. It was the way he got annoyed about them as we were off on holiday, and that I felt he was embarrassed by me.

I then wondered if I was being too sensitive.

Are the old trainers really so terrible? Pic attached.

Would this bother others, or would you just brush it off? Do others think, like I do, that it's weird that he got annoyed?

You know this is not about the trainers, they’re obviously fine: Cue for you to tell us what’s really going on in your marriage.

Your husband has higher standards/expectations of how his wife should be presented. He thinks you don't make the effort because you aren't wearing more than casual wear. He likely doesn't fancy you as much because in his opinion, you aren't making an effort. This is probably how he sees you.

He'll probably have his head turned at some point by some fancy piece in head to toe designer gear.

He's a dick. Any decent man would love you how are you and not want to impose higher standards of clothing on you.

I love wearing comfortable clothes/footwear, my husband is the same. Sometimes if my husband has been wearing a suit for work and is looking very smart and we're together and I'm in my leggings and actual scruffy trainers with holes in them, it wouldn't even enter his mind to take issue with this. My husband loves me for me. So should yours.

Beware, if you have children with him, he may well expect you to be pristine at all times despite being a sleep deprived mess who sometimes forgets to brush her hair because you're so busy looking after the children.

Book another trip, but dress up 50's travel glamour (have fun with it) and then sneer at his choice of clothes.

She clearly doesn’t wish to discuss the wider issues, I’ve asked twice if it’s like this in other areas and if he does half the household stuff and she’s not responding, which is fair enough.

she wants to focus on if her trainers are dirty.

That amount of navy all at once on a man is weird isn't it? He'd virtually look like a solid block of navy from the neck down.

Nothing wrong with your trainers - and anyway, who needs to make a special effort with their appearance to travel on a plane? It's not some sort of big meeting! Is your dh so appearance-obsessed in general, or does he think he's your boss?

They don't look at all dirty or old. They're fine.

I wonder what he would make of me? I've been through Stansted Airport several times this year wearing my crocs so that I could step easily in and out if required at security. I don't think my own DH even noticed. Yours would be clutching at his pearls! 🤣

This sort of thing would kill a relationship stone dead for me. He's on holiday. He wants to relax. As long as he's clean, what does it matter if his t-shirts are a bit lived in? You want to primp yourself up on hols? That's up to you. But does he tell you to dress down to match him, that you're over the top and embarrassing? No, I'm sure not. So why should you be able to tell him he has to dress up to your standards when he's supposed to be having a good time?

Basically the second my partner started telling me how to dress - bar clothes being clean and not smelling - I would instantly lose all sense of being comfortable and at ease with them, and feel like I was on some sort of probation. Intimacy killer.

I'm sorry op. In your position I'd cop the arse and start screwing my face up whenever he makes an effort, and go ugh, you're not wearing that...are you?
Then refusal to engage until he changes.

Horrible man deserves his own medicine

It sounds as though he doesn't think you're making an effort when he feels he has. It's obviously not nice but maybe have a conversation about it.

So he’s dressed like a snobby prick and you’re shocked he’s snobby? Is he from a wealthier background than you OP and this is his way of digging at you? Because my friend married a man like this and I think he often looks like shit as he wears Ralph Lauren tops and jeans/chinos all the time and it’s exceptionally boring but he would also make digs if she was wearing trainers. He is from a wealthy background and it’s one way he is controlling and image obsessed.

Is it a class thing?

This has happened to me but more in other relationships rather than romantic ones.

My response? I wear dirtier shoes just to piss them off.

He says 'it's important that you make an effort when you go to the airport’

Goodness I laughed at that!

Perhaps if I was going in the VIP lounge & then flying first class!

I have a "flying outfit"-jeggings that are worn at the knee, an old tshirt of my son's, my warmest cardi & comfy walking boots!

Honestly you're well turned out compared to me Op!

He sounds to be picking fault for the sake of it.

'it's important that you make an effort when you go to the airport'

Who knew?

@Mathea He sounds like a monumental twat.

Doubtful if he’s wandering around in sketchers and digging at her trainers not being good enougn for the airport , I’d bet working /lower middle.

😂 this made me chuckle!

Looking smart for the AIRPORT??? It's not cocktails at the Savoy exactly, is it?

Trade him in for someone nicer.

Wow they are terrible you should hang your head in shame.

Off to the stocks for you for a public shaming.

Your husband is ridiculous.

On the way home just get as comfortable as possible and in future ignore his jibes. Or start criticising stuff you don’t like…”do you have to dress up so much for a flight? You’re making us look pretentious”

The trainers are nice, better than what I'd wear to an airport.

His comment was bizarre and controlling.

What was he wearing?

Maybe he doesn’t know that they don’t take pictures of you getting off the plane anymore.

He cares! Though he could have gone about it in a better way! BTW they are NOT bad!

Yep the obligatory FB check in from the airside Spoons just isn’t the same unless you’re in a ball gown and he’s in black tie 🤣

People who are more likely to be hassled by security and border / visa control tend to dress up smart for flights. In the hope that looking more affluent and well dressed means they are less likely to be targeted and picked out by security or grilled upon entry. This can be country specific but racism in airports is well known the world over sadly. Assume this isn’t a concern for your husband, OP?