My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

In fact, they actually sound quite low in IQ level and also quite abusive. It sounds like they try to get their own way through coercion rather often.

They need to remember the adage, "It's better to be silent and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt". In this case, all doubt is removed. LOL!

@Charlie2121

Well, that’s a perspective…

I’m a secondary teacher with an Oxford degree and a Master’s. Pay isn’t great but my job is interesting and varied.

Sounds more jealous and spiteful to me. Also coercive and abusive with the way it puts people down because they aren't in awe of them or believe as they do.

They aren't even pro-choice, just pro-abortion, which I find particularly distasteful.

Oh no! I'm so sorry :(

He was adamant he didn't want a family but was happy to use the withdraw method, he doesn't withdraw and is surprising you're pregnancy! Er... I'm worried about this guys lack of common sense.

Worse still how insensitive to trivialise abortion and your feelings and avoid the conversation. Unless further effort follows from him I don't see how you'd want to be with this person. I guess you didn't argue because he was getting his way and he avoided arguments by ignoring important issues. Frankly, I'd rather argue.

I think either say I'm having the baby and go through with it, or get an abortion and leave at the same time. The only positive is you're young enough to find someone else to start a family with.

“It’s never the right time. Literally, never. There’s always something else to see/buy/do.
You aren’t young, you’re financially stable, and six years of not using contraception and only now getting pregnant suggests something is not optimal in the fertility department.
As others have said, it’s now or never.
Is this man worth giving up what could be your only chance at motherhood for? Doubtful. Especially as it sounds like he’s stringing you along with a promise of “when x happens, when y happens”. The fact is, when it happens you just make it work. It’s called life. It’s unpredictable and you just have to play the hand you’re dealt.
He will either step up or lose out, but ultimately he still has legal responsibility for this child and can’t bury his head in the sand forever.
He’s been immature and childish and hurtful, but that doesn’t mean when that baby is in his arms he won’t absolutely step up and be the best dad.
You can’t make a huge life altering decision based off an initial reaction. Give him time to get used to the idea that he’s going to be a dad, because you sound certain you want this baby. So that’s all there is to it.”

This with bells on.

Agree -someone can be forced through manipulation.

It comes over as if you both minimised (or ignored) the risk of getting pregnant.

Either your H is pretty ignorant about contraception (and how the 'rhythm method and withdrawal are not recommended) or you 'persuaded him' that a pregnancy was unlikely (for whatever reasons.)

I hate to say it but I wonder if you are not being really honest about your intentions. Because all along you wanted to become pregnant. And for whatever reason, he seemed to think that what you were both doing was risk free.

Either you were both happy to take this risk, or you played it down to suit your end-goal.

If it was the latter, you can't be surprised at his reaction.

If he was truly ignorant about how withdrawal and 'safe period' don't work, he has himself to blame.

What was missing was an open, frank, adult conversation about the risks you were both taking.

Tbh if it took you 6 years of unprotected sex to conceive, I'd be wanting to check that one or both of you didn't have reduced fertility.

6 years without a pregnancy while using the world's least pregnancy preventing birth 'control' would add, for me, the worry that successfully conceiving again may be as difficult.

You are where you are. You want the baby. Keep the baby. That's your starting point. Speak firmly to him. He seems to Think he's in the driving seat here.

'Dh, I'm keeping this baby. You can either get on board & be nothing but supportive or you can leave. I'm going out & will be back in 2 hours to talk further about this. If you need more time to think, pack a bag & take a day or 2.'

He will have to pay maintenance if he does leave. Even if you don't feel strong, fake it. Good luck & congratulations 💐

His reaction was absolutely shameful I'm not denying that in the slightest HOWEVER it may have been a huge shock and also just a possibility he may give a better reaction based on the new actual facts or he may not be in the same place as you but a chat is definitely needed. You also need to think about your choices as resentment could set in if you do abort your choice has to be yours.

You can always find a reason not to have kids, there's always something you wish you had/ could do first if you really think about it.
If you are forever waiting for the right time then you will never find it coz life likes to throw curve balls at us.
The fact is you are pregnant. It took 2 of you to get pregnant and now he needs to be the grown up he supposedly is and deal with it.
You are not 16 year olds that have been dating a month you have a long term relationship and you are married.
If you abort you will never forgive him. And you will probably never forgive yourself.
So your relationship would be over anyway so you really need to think about you and what you want.

Your largely incorrect assumptions say a lot more about you than they do about me.

You are coming across as an aggressive extremist who has an agenda they want to push regardless of what others are actually saying.

Closed minds are dangerous.

How can you not be ready for children having been together ten years, you’re literally already married and both employed?! He sounds vile.. happy to have unprotected sex but expects you to have an abortion when you try pregnant because he doesn’t want to man up and have any responsibilities despite knowing you really want a family. What a horrible, selfish man. 29 is not at all young to have kids and you’re not getting any younger. If you have an abortion and don’t want to then you may as well leave him because the resentment will destroy your marriage.

You asked him what you should do if you were pregnant? Why did you ask such a question? He gave you his honest answer. He might think it’s the answer you were looking for as you asked his opinion. In hindsight, you should have waited until you were absolutely sure, and then told him you were pregnant showing excitement. Had he then suggested you abort, he would be a cruel idiot. But if you asked him what to do, it suggests you aren’t sure yourself. He gave you his practical answer. Not the romantic one you were after. Now you are sure, tell him again with a big smile on your face. Give him a second chance. If his answer is still the same, tell him you are keeping the baby and he can explain to both his parents and yours why he not intending on being in his baby’s life.

I think her point was that the man in question is a teacher. So he would find himself sharing the experience with others, not being the first person he knew to have a baby.

To be fair I was referring to women who do want children and like a pp said she waited until her 30s and is now 60 and childless not by choice. This is not to say all women who wait until 35+ do not end up with the children they've always wanted of course they do. The fact remains by this stage fertility declines dramatically and the risk of complications for both mother and baby is far higher. There is nothing small minded about stating facts. Make your choices take your chances,simple as that.

OP, I haven’t read the whole thread only your posts so this may have already been suggested.

But if you’ve essentially not used contraception for six years (and the pullout method is not considered to be birth control or contraception) and you haven’t fallen pregnant, it’s entirely possible, likely even that one or both of you have fertility issues that may make it likely to conceive in the future.

I think that everyone can react badly to a surprise pregnancy, but at the end of the day you could terminate this pregnancy and never manage to conceive again.

I would definitely have a discussion with your DH along the lines of that you are having this baby, and it’s up to him whether he stays in the marriage or goes, but if he stays, then he gets on board with being a father. If he can’t, then he goes.

Because I wouldn’t have an abortion for anyone.

And not using contraception for six years is a sign that something could well be wrong, so now you are pregnant I would hold on to that, because it could be your last chance.

Have you spoken to him since he said that? I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. It obviously wasn't planned, although if he really didn't think he was ready for a child he should have used contraception.

I think by you asking "what should we do?" it's given him the impression that you weren't sure you were ready for a baby either, which is probably why he responded like he did. He could have been a bit more sensitive about it and asked how you felt though.

If I fell pregnant and knew for certain I wanted to keep it I wouldn't ask my DH what he thought we should do, I'd be telling him we keeping it. My DH knows I don't want kids, however if I did fall pregnant and asked him what he wanted to do he still wouldn't reply how your DH did. He would tell me he'd support any decision I made. Your DH has definitely been insensitive here but I think you just need to have a proper chat and I'm sure once the shock has worn off he will warm to the idea. If everyone waited until the perfect time to have a baby no one would ever have one.

Why was he surprised that you were pregnant after using no contraception ? ? ?

If you want the child, keep it

The decision is yours

Reading your first post again where he said 'I don't know why you think you are ' [pregnant] surely the response was

BECAUSE WE'VE HAD SEX FOR 6 FUCKING YEARS RELYING ONLY ON WITHDRAWAL AND 'SAFE PERIOD'.

Can any man be this thick?

I have told him and showed him the test. His response at first was that I was joking (that was when I gave him the test). Then he continued on with it not being the right time, we don’t have the space (we currently rent a two bedroom new build) and that it will spoil my masters degree I’m studying for part time whilst teaching. To be honest, I felt he was trying to manipulate me with the degree thing because it has no bearing on my career and I was just doing it to further my academic achievements. I’m a qualified teacher and have my PGCE and undergrad degree.

However, after half an hour, he brought it up and said ‘but we just can’t have a child yet. We don’t have space.’ I said in response ‘we were already thinking of moving next year, we can move before the baby comes.’

he didn’t reply but I’m wondering whether he is stewing over it?

so my question is how long did it take your partner to come around to the idea?

oh OP.... I am so sorry he is being like this. sending you hugs ❤️

I really hope this is just a male insecurity thing and he gets over it quickly.

Two bedrooms is enough to tide you over for you and a young DC (not saying you shouldn't move when you want to, just that his excuse doesn't hold water.)

He's really being such a man about this!
He is thinking with his head and not his heart. After our last DC my DH drove me mad obsessed with the future and pensions. Is he a very practical person normally?
2 beds is loads...babies dont take up that much space at the start!

i don’t understand how two bedroom place is not enough to have a child 🙈
for the first 6m baby is in the parents’ bedroom anyway.
we were in 2 bedroom newbuild till our first was 3.5! And moved only because we had second one on the way