My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

Honestly, it sounds to me as though he wants all the benefits of marriage and none of the challenges.

My DH is a bit like this OP. He has to have thought of it first. He always comes around eventually but it’s almost like a type of demand avoidance, like it has to be his idea otherwise it’s pressure.

don’t know if that makes sense!

It’s a shame that between your first conversation and you showing him the test, he hasn’t thought it through and become more positive.

But it is a shock and unplanned, and it can take some people longer than others to adjust.

Is he one of those ‘glass half empty’ people? Is he likely to see the negative in everything before seeing the positives and getting on board? Some are like this.

To be honest, given you have a long term marriage and had always talked about kids in the future, I’d expect him to realise that there is never a perfect time and now is as good and any…and to get on board. I would be really disappointed if there was further mention of abortion, when he knows this isn’t what you want…..assuming you have been totally clear about that and not presented it all as ‘what shall we do’ which might imply all options can equally be considered. Have you been very clear with him, that you’re nervous but excited and up for it?

If his worry and suggesting abortion continues for more than a couple of days, I’d actually start to get worried. Is he actually having doubts about the relationship and being tied down? It’s very odd to go from seeming to be happy and wanting kids in a couple of years, to being so anti when it actually happens. If he starts pushing you about abortion (and I honestly think he won’t do this) then I’d be very worried about the relationship…if hire really not in the same page.

OP, when you showed him the test, did you make clear you were surprised but also excited and thrilled? Your lead on this will probably be very influential. If you show you’re positive and can see the negatives he’s looking at as being totally manageable, he too will find it easier to see the positives. Have you said to him that you hope he will be able to get excited and look to the future? I’d put it that way rather than you’re disappointed with his first reactions. But make it clear that you’re hoping he will step-up and not keep being a negative Nancy.

But, he won’t be the first or last man who was terrified when pregnancy happened, even within a long term committed relationship where kids were part of the plan. Do remmeber that…and those who are quick to condemn him, remmeber it too. It takes some people longer than others…..and it’s important that he has a bit of time to process it all. But that’s different to pushing you to have an abortion.(which it doesn’t sound like he did this conversation).

Hooi g the next conversation is just a bit more positive and shows him slowly getting there. There’s a lot to think about. The glasshalf-empty brigade always see negatives. But most men in this position and this kind of relationship will soon adjust and be right on board.

so my question is how long did it take your partner to come around to the idea?

I guess it could be a 'how long is a piece of string' one @Lillieanne , but mine took 2 weeks. So that's not long, but it was upsetting. He was really into the idea after that, though.

And at the same time... Not much of a man at all.

OP, I'm so sorry. Mine was simply thrilled, in answer to your question. We had been TTC, but I've no doubt whatsoever he would have been thrilled regardless, even if there would have been practical/financial worries.

Despite myself and my partner going through treatment he still didn’t really take it on board until baby arrived or believe it. Men operate differently to women they take ages to take things on board and let it sink it x they aren’t all perfect and it’s a shock to the system- like you have to grow up now lol xx he’s probably selfishly thinking how his life will change.

Some men are like this, others not!

Maybe he is very structured in life and doesn’t like surprises. But he could have worn a condom. I would be standing my ground well the baby is coming….
Hopefully he will get used to the idea but it may take him longer than others or not!

I really believe you can live in a 2 bedroom with a baby until they are at least 4, or, if an only child, until they grow up. Babies especially take up so little space and a smaller home is preferable so it's less to clean! You just need a dresser w/ space on top for a changing pad, a small crib and a bouncy chair. The amount of baby gear that is marketed to new parents is such overkill, IMO. He's not thinking straight.

Just a thought - is he close with his family? Will his parents be overjoyed with new baby? If yes, have him talk to them! Enlist older parents to tell him how he's got this and it will all be okay.

I think you do need to make it clear that you are having this baby regardless of his wants.

His reasons are quite frankly ridiculous. They'd be reasonable if you were discussing starting trying for a baby, but the baby has already been conceived, due to his lack of restraint I might add. You want your baby, you'll have your baby. Lack of space is ridiculous, we were in a one-bed apartment when we had our first (planned) baby. Moved before having the second. You're in a 2-bed, that's enough space and baby should be in with you for preferably the first 12 months, although some only go to 6 months. Mine stayed in with me until 3yrs old!

I appreciate he'd prefer to have bought a house rather than rent, but you could either get a mortgage sorted before you go on maternity, or if you'll be on full pay during maternity anyway (as is common in teaching but depends on your own contract), then you can still get a mortgage after anyway. So nothing to stop you moving into your own home next year anyway, right in time for having the baby, or just after even.

I do feel you need to make it clear and be firm that this is happening, it very much sounds like he thinks he is the decision maker in your marriage and if you roll over and let him, that'll continue.

He should have always worn a condom if he wasn't ready for kids. Every single time.

The fact that he didn't bother and now flippantly says you need to abort...

Don't have a baby with someone who literally has no respect for you whatsoever.

Seriously, he's vile.

We were living in a 2 bedroom flat when we had our first.

You'll manage. you really will. tell him to pull himself together.

A 2 bed is absolutely fine for one child. Frankly you'd be in in a one bed for the first year (or more) if necessary. Baby will be in with you for at least 6m, and when he or she goes into their own room, there is a room available. Basically, you'll lose your spare room/study if you don't move it about 18m, but most people lose those when they have a baby anyway, especially if they have a second.

Please don't let yourself be persuaded to have a termination. I had an abortion after my boyfriend decided he wasn't ready to become a parent, and it was easily the most painful thing I've ever done; before, during and after. For a very long time. On reflection, it was coercive ‐I figured I had so much invested in the relationship that we'd somehow get over it and would try again "when the time was right". Needless to say, I never got over having felt manipulated and subjected to an ultimatum.

In my ex's case, 2 weeks too. Then he brought home a book of First Weaning Recipes (the foetus was like 6 weeks old at this point) and I knew that he was going to be okay.

Have you actually said to him, "Look mate I am pregnant, we both knew this could happen any time in the last X years - I am delighted with this and I hope in time you will be too." i.e. made it plain that YOU want this, that YOU are sure? Because in your OP you do make it sound a bit like you just asked him "what should we do?" which to me kind of makes his response less (a bit less) bad.

He needs to hear from you that you are positive, that you're happy, that you want him to get with the programme - he can then try to wrestle his worrying brain into a place where instead of seeing reasons why not [to do the thing that has already been done] he can see reasons to be the positive family man he has always said he wants to be.

It's not your responsibility to help him "come to terms" with this news. He had unprotected sex with his wife for years. Time for him to grow up.

I don’t understand.

On what planet is a two bedroom home not big enough for a couple and one child?

This.

When I was still in full-time employment, I'd hear the younger teachers talking about buying their first homes after getting married. One lad was buying - I kid you not - a 7 bed house. The reasoning was that this would be their 'forever' home.

I thought that sensible. 'So, you want a big family?'

'Oh, no. The wife wants two, but I'd be happy with one...'

'So why seven bedrooms?'

'Well, we need a media room, a games room, a den..'

Just a different generation with different expectations, I guess.

How much room does he think you need?

We were in a two bed flat with our first, it also had just one room for lounge dining not two. I wouldn’t move anywhere more expensive for space reasons, we moved to a 3 bed when our 2nd baby was on the way.

In what way is 65k a year not enough for 2 ppl and a baby?

You could take 4 holidays a year and still have enough left for a new car on that!

How much time would I give him?

About five minutes.

After a relationship of that length, with the lifestyle you have, I am angry.

You deserve better, so does your baby. If he's like this now. God help you when baby arrives.

We had a planned baby but my husband briefly freaked out worried we weren’t ready financially and maturity wise (as a teacher at 29years!). I think he was just frightened but didn’t ask me to abort. He got over THE FEAR pretty quickly, once baby was here. I couldn’t have stayed with him if he insisted I abort after unprotected sex.