My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

I frequent a male dominated forum and I have seen several threads wherein the poster (potential father) coerced abortion.

There are many ways of making someone do/making them feel like they have no choice but to do something; besides dragging them physically.

For some women - "I don't want this, I don't want this baby, I won't be onboard, you'll be on your own, our relationship will be over" etc etc is quite effective.

For others, "you'll be ruining my life, I feel trapped, I don't know what I might do to myself" is effective.

For others "our existing kids will suffer, I'll leave you, you'll be breaking up their fanilyx works

"This isn't the right time, but there will be other children in future" is also used.bops getting that one.

(It's a favourite of men on the forum I frequent who plan to dump the woman and want to.mhe sure she'll abort first; so they hold off on the dumping avd imply they'll stay together and will gave other kids in future. The carrot approach).

Haven't you read all the suicide threats/implications on here from partners of pregnant women - I've seen it a lot.

In your situation I think a termination would be a bad fit.

You would never trust in your husband again?
So I would advise you to make plans for motherhood. You have the perfect profession and you are a perfect age. I would not let your husband put a sad veil over the pregnancy.

Be excited, be happy and healthy. You can cope alone or together so make the best of plans and take one day at a time.
Your husband is fearful, shocked and might turn 180 into being a super husband.

The withdraw method is not reliable so your husband is very lucky not to already have a six year old and a four year old.

After your baby is born use better contraception so that you can take your time to sort out your finances and future children.

This.

Don't have an abortion you don't want, that will hurt you and damage your relationship and you'll probably end up splitting up anyway. I'd also be doubtful about him truly wanting a family in a couple of years when at 29 and after you've been together this long he's not even considering this and just jumped straight to an abortion.

Go with what YOU want to do OP.

I get the feeling he is stringing you along ( ie deceiving you ) so if you abort you could be waiting forever for him to “be ready” and maybe miss the chance to be a mum.

Think of baby, think of you.
You may lose DH but I think if you do abort under pressure from him, your marriage will change for the worst anyway.

He is the one who was drunk and using unreliable contraception so he has to take responsibility for that.
Telling you you need a doctors appointment
means he’s hoping you’ll do just that and the problem will go away.
It doesn’t sound as if he wants to even talk about it.
His lack of concern for how you feel about it is very telling.
10 years into a marriage with a decent joint income is long enough to prepare for having a baby.
He sounds like a wolf in sheep’s clothing.Lovely until things don’t go the way he wants. Then he becomes a selfish bully.

Don’t do something you may regret forever.

Just a slightly different viewpoint, OP. We were actively ttc our first, and my DH still panicked, because he "thought it would take longer". He didn't actually "believe" in the pregnancy until he saw the scan, and then I was actually pregnant (in his eyes!) And he was happy!
Next pregnancy was a little bit of a surprise- he knew it was a possibility but didn't think it would happen so quickly (!!!). He had a bit of a rant about bad timing, and I remember being upset and thinking that he didn't want this baby, but he came round quickly, and has been a great dad and supportive partner
I think men do sometimes panic, and the baby doesn't seem "real" to them like it does to us. I hope your DH does calm down and get his head around it and supports you. Good luck!

I would suggest you tell him now that you actually do have a positive test, rather than keep guessing what he might say.

I’ve worked in contraception services for over 20 years. Unless someone actually doesn’t understand, or has not sought contraceptive advice, there is usually a reason a reasonably intelligent woman or girl chooses not to use the many, very effective, easily available, and free contraceptive options in the UK.
That reason can sometimes be an underlying desire for pregnancy, coupled with relationship issues, and/or an awareness that the male partner is not as keen on children.

Your husband clearly bears absolute responsibility for using withdrawal for years, not even bothering to use a condom, and failing to withdraw recently, seemingly without care for the consequences.

However, it may be worth exploring why you also chose not to use even condoms, or access emergency contraception when he did not withdraw (apologies if you did and I have missed that). That is effectively a planned pregnancy.
It sounds very much like there has been a mismatch in expectations, and lack of communication regarding your plans for a family.

I’m not sure if a clinician has suggested your family history of fibroids/hysterectomy stops you using hormonal contraception - it absolutely does not. There is a also the non-hormonal coil/barrier methods.
If you yourself have confirmed fibroids, then that certainly needs more discussion, as they can impact on pregnancy, fertility and contraceptive options.

Wishing you all the best in a difficult situation.

My feeling would be - he doesn't want children. OR has never given it serious thought so doesn't actually know.

Most men don't think seriously about kids in their 20s I find. It's not usually until they hit 30s or later that they might become curious.

They say they want kids because they assume they will one day. And because they've not given serious thought to the actual implications for their lives (often as they kind of assume women will do most of the work when the time comes).

If he had given having kids thought and did want them, he would not be asking for you to abort now with these ridiclious excuses.

Basically the man you are with - is unsure about children currently and will remain unsure for a while (Best case scenario). Because otherwise he would just go for it.

All the shit excuses he is making...he doesn't want kids..and he may never.

He's not necessarily lying to you deliberately. But he is lying to himself.

I would move any money held in joint accounts, to an account in my name only and make sure that my wages were paid into my sole current account.

Only after I had safeguarded myself financially, would I tell H that I was pregnant.

The big difficulty here is:

You have a termination at his behest and you become resentful and the marriage fails

You keep the baby against his wishes and he becomes resentful and the marriage fails

What a Sophie’s Choice!

There’s no right time to conceive. There’s no hitherto unknown to mankind lineup of stars that will make the time right. Children come when they come. I’ve known people to use the contraceptive pill and condoms and still get pregnant.

I'm so sorry that you’re having these stresses at what should be the happiest time of your life 🌷

It’s very odd because 29 isn’t very young at all?! We all know fertility starts to wane after 35 and for some people it’s quite a dramatic drop off (unfortunately have a few friends and family who experienced this) and so 29 for a first baby isn’t early at all?!

He might be ready in 9 months time!! Esp if his mates are TTC as well. Give it time he'll come around- and massive congratulations! Xxx

I'm sure that part of it is DP being scared/nervous.
However, on the practical side, he's right that 65K is not much for
a family of 3, especially if they don't own their house.

I was travelling the world and studying. It was excellent and having a baby WOULD have been a huge unwanted burden. The pp said the only reason to delay having a baby was not having a husband and could not comprehend why anyone married wouldn’t want to have a child. I gave another perspective. It is always a choice, no matter what age you are. It is almost like people value different things, isn’t it? It is so small minded to be unable to comprehend a different point of view to your own. It might blow your mind to know that some people (even ones with husbands) don’t ever want kids, and live amazing and full lives without them!!!

Do you even bother to read the first post? The part where it says "two of our couple friends are trying to conceive"? Or are you too busy being pro-abortion (NOT pro-choice in your case) to care about anything else.
More to the point. You tell her she has YEARS to have a baby. Want to put your money where your opinion is? Would sign a contract for her or ANY women you tell to get an abortion that says, "You will have another child by such and such an age and if you cannot, I will pay you 25 million dollars?" Are you THAT sure of a person's future fertility, or are you just enjoying trying to convince a woman to kill her baby?

Apparently my dad took my mothers pregnancy very badly!! I think he was in shock too.
I know I’m biased but he turned out to be the most amazing wonderful and kind dad in the whole world, he is 88 now and has cancer and is blind, and I could still ring him in the middle of the night and he would find a way to come and help me if I needed him to.

Keep the faith, he will come around. Be strong and say what you want. You can do it.

Lots of 'Don’t do something you may regret forever' posts.

These aren't helpful.

Having a baby or not having a baby are both choices that may result in a mix of feelings now and in future. One could say 'you'll regret it forever' for either choice, and in both instances its unlikely. What is true is that OP is perfectly able to make her own decision and likely to live largely happily with that decision.

So don't create a dilemma that adds more pressure to what is already a difficult situation.

OP this is a hard place to be. I really feel for you. You will come through it. Sending you all my best. Xxx

Teachers are a relatively low paid and unimaginative set of employees. They are unlikely to have big career ambitions therefore happy to settle down much younger than many.

Have a look at higher earners. They tend to have done a lot more at a younger age and are keen to pack in a far wider set of experiences before they have children.

'Teachers are a relatively low paid and unimaginative set of employees. They are unlikely to have big career ambitions therefore happy to settle down much younger than many.

Have a look at higher earners. They tend to have done a lot more at a younger age and are keen to pack in a far wider set of experiences before they have children.'*

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣* You really don't sound as clever as you think you do.

@Charlie2121 you lost me at unimaginative.

Oh that's so funny! You clearly haven't met a very wide range of people, the teachers I know have lived across the globe and have plenty of experiences. I don't believe they are particularly unimaginative or unambitious, they just love working with children.

My best friend is a teacher and is fabulous and amazing. She could write a book about her life! I also know loads of other teachers and don’t think that statement is correct at all.

When I got pregnant my DH told me that his vote was for a termination. I told him I would definitely not terminate and now we're married and we both agree that DS is the best thing that has happened to us even if he did come about 2 years earlier than we wanted.

My point is that while it's good to be prepared to be a single parent, he may just need some time to come around to the idea. It's a shit response from him but it doesn't mean you need to go along with his knee jerk reaction.

You have been married to 10 years and both are close to 30.

He needs to man up.

It is completely normal that you want a family at this stage.

Did you discuss kids before you got married? did ever state that he did not want children?

I would simply tell him that you had a positive pregnancy test and that you are of course having the child.

It is not like you are 18 and just dating...He is a grown man in a long term marriage for goodness sake. Frankly if he does not step up then you will know that this was not the right man for you anyway.

You want kids so have the baby and congratulations on your pregnancy!

@Charlie2121 are you the DH, your rationale and want to make the DH right are off the bloody walk!!

*wall

It means coercion, silent treatment, threats, bullying, until she gives in and has an abortion.