My husband doesn’t want our first child?

[Lillieanne]

Hi all,

I am married and have been with DH for 10 years. We are both 29, are teachers and have lived together for the last 7 years. I recently found out that I was pregnant with our first child and I’m left distraught at his reaction.

I told him I felt as if I was pregnant a few nights ago. We had sex and have used the withdrawal method successfully for around 6 years. But on this particular night he was drunk and did not pull out. I had done a test but I think it was too early to tell as it has a faint mark but could have been an evap. However, I just knew I was. I told him all of this and he kept talking about something completely irrelevant as a way to avoid what I was saying. Eventually, I blurted out “but what should we do if I am.” His response has destroyed me. He said “I don’t know why you think you are. But if you are you’ll have to make a doctors appointment as we are not ready to have children yet.” i rolled over and went to sleep without saying goodnight.

fast forward a few days and I am sat alone staring at a BFP test. I am gutted and feel like this is the worst thing possible.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine life without him. We never argue and have never had any huge issues. However, I know he is going to tell me that I need an abortion because he doesn’t feel ready to be a dad. It breaks me because he does want children but wants me to have an abortion only to put me through another pregnancy in a couple oF years. He thinks we don’t have enough money despite us having a joint annual salary of £65k. He’s acting like he’s 22 not 29.

additionally, I have had intimate conversations with a few of our friends and two of our couple friends are TTC in 2024.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s adamant he wants children so why is he acting like this? He always says he wants the perfect family home and to be a provider and yet doesn’t show it?

I’ve been crying for hours because I feel like this is a climatic moment where things will never be the same again between us. What should I do to make the best out of this situation? I want to keep the baby but I don’t want to lose him?

In your shoes I’d give him an ultimation, he can either opt to stay with you and the baby or leave you and the baby. His choice, he’s either committed or can sod off. You will not be aborting a much wanted baby after he opted to have risky unprotected sex with you. Abortion is not a means of contraception. Insisting you abort the baby would wreck your marriage and your mental health.

@Lillieanne

Unfortunately, how long it took someone else's husband/partner to be happy about a coming baby has no bearing on how long it might take your husband to be happy, if he ever is.

It sounds to me as if you have made the decision to have the baby, or you're about 99% 'there'. If so I wouldn't keep bringing it up, questioning him, or explaining to him why the house is big enough (it certainly is!) or the other reasons why having a baby now is 'doable'. He needs to figure it out and make a decision for himself and if he's like most men keeping on at him will only make him feel boxed into a corner. If by some chance you haven't made your decision, you need peace and space to make the decision on your own. Give both of you a week or so to sort out your own heads, then say "We need to talk".

I think this issue for me is not just that he hasn't come round to the idea but the total lack of empathy or consideration or support.

For example DH was hesitant about a 2nd. When I got pregnant he still said that's great but in a less enthusiastic way than with DC1. It took him time to come round as he was nervous a bit off. But if someone is negative and trying to manipulate its a whole other thing.

Also for context we have a combined income over £100k and DC1 was born when we lived in a 2 bed terrace. We had friends who had babies in one bed flats then moved later.

I'd explained how he's making you feel. Give him a few days to realise and apologise. Then if this doesnt happen id leave or ask him to and that's whether or not you keep the baby. No ultimatum as honestly if you have to say that to someone I don't think the relationships works.. just my view though maybe worth a try.

Well done, standing up for yourself and not letting him doubt yourself. It’s not easy, but once the cat is out of the bag he will have to cop on and grow up now!

Congratulations!!!

He’s being ridiculous if space is really all he can come up with . A baby will be in the same room as you for at least 6 months , so how many bedrooms does he personally need .

My first baby was born into a two bedroom place. We moved when they were a few months old. We never even used the second bedroom because they were still in a crib in our room.

How do you not have space if you rent a 2-bed place? That doesn't make sense.

We are on a higher income than you both, have a toddler, and have a tiny 2 bed flat, AND work from home, so our child's bedroom is an office by day.

He's REALLY scraping the barrel for reasons not to be ready.

I don't understand the obsession with property ownership before having children. With babies, you just need somewhere to fit a cot. Everything else is optional.

I know lovely, hard-working families who have had 6 children while renting a 2-bed flat. They're grown now, and doing absolutely fine.

@CharingX976 while I think the husband is being a complete prick here, I do understand the "obsession with property ownership" before having a child.

1. security - you know you can live there as long as you want, your child has a permanent home

2. harder to get a mortgage if one half of the couple isn't earning as much (or at all), therefore you might worry you've missed the boat.

Someone said upthread about today's generation having different expectations and wanting a 7 bed house - well, I can't speak for the young couple who wanted a 7 bed house (and can only assume they live somewhere where property is cheap or they have inherited wealth!), but let's be real, home ownership is much more difficult to achieve for young couples today. I can definitely see why it's a big and painful worry that makes people delay conception.

But in this case, conception has already happened!

How many of the NHS staff who will see mothers through pregnancy and childbirth grew up in multi room houses? But they're doing ok enough to be trusted to help bring children into the world...? Your child is loved and has all the space of your heart to dwell in!

His reaction to me seems like he's one of those men that strings a woman out with the promise of having kids 'one day'.... running the woman's clock down, kicking the can down the road, thinks the idea of having kids is sweet and romantic....but when he thinks of the practicalities, in reality didn't actually ever want them.

1. Don't assume you'll be able to get pregnant in a few years, it's not guaranteed.
2. If you have an abortion under his persuasion, your marriage will be over, given time.
3. If you keep the baby: a) at best you'll have a resentful partner, who'll leave you to do everything childcare related. b) at worst you'll have to raise a child as a single mother, who could have SEN, with little other co-parent or familial support. When people say it takes a village; BELIEVE IT.

It's selfish to beforehand, knowingly and deliberately, raise a child without the father around in some way, even if it's in just a co-parent weekend capacity. As good as a mum as you can be, absent fathers wreak havoc on the mental wellbeing of their children. Think hard about giving that pain of being unloved and abandoned (by their father) to your child. It's not something a kid ever truly gets over. Like bereavement, you learn to live with it. But you never get over it.

We are currently in a two bedroom flat with a 5 month old, no problems there.
i find it ridiculous that a grown man uses the withdrawal method and isn’t aware that this isn’t a fail safe way to avoid pregnancies.
I hope he will come around. Either way, do not have an abortion that you do not want.

People who are seriously avoiding pregnancy do not rely on the withdrawal method.

After so long together, do you really want to be with someone who needs to 'come around' to the idea of having a baby with you?

Word of warning, similar happened to my cousin. Together 10 yrs and she got pregnant, he 'wasnt ready'. She had the baby and they stayed together, but she does absolutely everything for the child, because if she asks for help she gets told: "you wanted a child, so you do it". Please don't be her. I support her where I can but it's very hard to see.

i am telling you now, if you have a termination you will regret it and your marriage will end.

there’s 3 possible outcomes here -

1. you have the baby and he leaves
2. you have a termination and eventually one of you leaves because your marriage becomes miserable through resentment and anger
3. you have the baby and you are all very happy as a family because he “comes around”

if he didn’t want a baby yet he should’ve used condoms and not finished inside you.

please, keep this baby if that’s what you want.

2 bed flat is certainly big enough.
You don’t need to move yet.

Baby will be in a Moses basket in your room initially.

Tell him the baby is not being terminated and he can stay or bugger off.

I would absolutely refuse to have any further discussions if they involve terminating the pregnancy. The train he helped to create has already left the station, so he can either get on board or fuck right off.

We were in a 1 bed flat until our son was 18 months old. I was 23 and it was an unplanned pregnancy and we worried we couldn't afford it but somehow you adapt and manage, our son is 18 next month!

This. He can't have it all ways.

@Lillieanne

I was very sad to read your update. I hope that you’re trying to keep yourself positive about the baby because it sounds like you really want to have this child.

Space isn’t an issue! Babies don’t need a lot of space!

Harry Potter managed in an under the stairs cupboard! I know of a couple who had five children in a 2 up 2 down! Another couple I know had 7 children in a 3 bedroom house! Then there was another with 6 children in a 3 bedroom house!

I’m not saying that you should do this and have a heap of children all crammed in to one bedroom, but 3 people, and one of those is someone who can’t walk yet, or needs hundreds of toys, in a 2 bedroom place is fine.

I'm starting to wonder if your H even wants a baby! I think that’s the conversation that you need to have. Because regardless of money, as teachers you will never be millionaires, and so you have to bake the cake with the ingredients you have in the pantry!

I cannot thank you all enough for your words of wisdom and much needed shoulder shaking reality check.

I did what most of you suggested and I made my mind up and left him to dwell knowing what my decision was.

So… he came around very quickly last night. I was already in bed feeling nauseous and he came up saying sorry, he had thought and didn’t think it was terrible, it will take some lifestyle changes but we can do it and then was very lovey dovey. I don’t forgive him 100% for what he said but this all seems positive and those of you who said it was shock, I think you were right x

Glad to hear your update. Hope you can start to enjoy your news now and put this behind you ☺️ xx

Much better update and giant congratulations 😁

OP...I am very happy to hear this.

Now, the most important thing you can do right now is focus on your pregnancy and your baby and this is the time when you need to really start making your DH realize how much you're going through - cause momma, it's just getting started. You're making a baby and that take a lot - he needs to prioritize you and baby and your health.

It will likely all work out - and lots of men feel pride in being the protector - so don't give in to any future immaturity on his part. Women instinctually become mothers much faster than their male partners become dads, but please, please don't give him an inch of whiny poor me. I think you've done a great job by standing your ground now. And, it's okay if it takes time to get over his initial reaction. (took me years to forgive my MIL for telling us we were stupid to go for #2 when we barely made our bills, but I did eventually get over that).

and, Congratulations! you're having a baby!!!

All of this, with bells on! Congratulations, @Lillieanne .

Great update OP - so happy for you. He’s got a while yet to properly get used to the idea of becoming a dad, and hopefully his trepidation will naturally grow into excitement as your pregnancy progresses. Congratulations!