Boyfriend Blows Up At Me Over Everything

[CathK82]

Hi
ive been dating my guy for nearly a year and a half. We don’t live together. I have a 16 year old daughter with my ex husband and it’s easier to have our own space.
My problem is my bf tends to blow up at me so easily and even when it’s over issues that are either trivial or in my opinion not my fault. He also seems to have double standards but when I discuss this, he gets angry and whenever he’s angry he shouts and lets out the profanities. Never apologises. Sometimes I get silent treatment. He will get in moods and bring up the past instead of letting it go, often reminding me of my mistakes.
He talks to a few females who he’s previously dated and says they’re just friends. He still has contacts in his phone from when he was on Tinder although says he doesn’t talk to them. But he’s made me delete every male out my phone and doesn’t want anyone even guys from over 20 years ago in high school messaging hello. I’ve had a couple men express interest in me since I started dating him and I’ve been honest enough to tell him and naturally I put the men in their place because I’m taken. I’ve never flirted with anyone or tried to get a guys attention but my bf yells at me and tells me I’m too friendly and I’m naive and get kicks out of demeaning him with male attention. No I don’t. But it’s ok for him to demean me by watching porn in front of me and then rejecting me because he’s had his fun with porn. I went to get my daughter from her friends house and the friends dad is single and he had a 5 minute chat with me literally about our daughters and single parenting - and I was shouted at and sworn at for being too engaging with this man.
I get run down for everything and called names and then he will bring incidents up over and over like I’m a child being taught a lesson. I’m a very loyal person and do whatever I can to show him that yet I’m still in trouble. If I point out the things he does that upset me such as talking to exes, then im called insecure, stupid, childish or told to shut up.
Maybe he has valid points, but to me it seems like he has the upper hand here and has different rules for himself and me.

Definitely wrong. I'm not currently in a relationship, but would like to be. The idea of a guy who's in a relationship not wanting intimacy with his girlfriend and preferring porn is weird. The idea of him watching porn in front of you and rejecting you is more than weird – it's cruel and unhinged.

Struggle harder to self protect. There is no prize in life for being soft enough to let people abuse you. Rolling over, playing dead, submitting , attaching to an abuser, and playing the helpless innocent child are all natural trauma responses to abuse and are safety behaviors for children but when you are an adult they are sometimes wuite dangerous as you are throwing away your natural talents and wisdom. Try reading The Gift of Fear or taking a course in self assertion. You are not a soft landing bed for abusive men. You are a grown woman with responsibility.

Am taking time to be single and get in a much better frame of mind before dating again so I don’t ignore red flags and get into another situation wrong for my daughter and myself

Excellent. Have you blocked him?

Yes I did that when I woke up today

Good going! Now take dome time to heal!

Thank you. I think it’ll take time but be worth it in the end

@CathK82 good for you dumping this nasty piece of work, you deserve SO much better! You’re obviously a kind and gentle person, look up the ‘Shark Cage analogy’. And maybe next time if you’re unsure, ask yourself ‘would I want a friend or my dd treated this way?’. Anyway, have a lovely peaceful happy rest of your life! 💐

Well done @CathK82! You may well have little wobbles because you will remember the times he was nice, but you can always reread the thread and remind yourself of all the other times that he wasn’t. You do deserve peace and happiness.

Thank you. So far I’ve felt relief that I don’t have daily questions about my daughter followed by a grilling over how my parenting is incorrect. I don’t have to worry I’m going to get in trouble for something I’ve said or done wrong in any area of life.

What a relief! You must feel so free!

From that point of view, yes, definitely
But I do miss the goodnight texts and know I’ll miss having someone to hug me and say i love you . Maybe I should get a dog!

Send yourself texts? Or create a new evening ritual that relaxes and energizes you like listening to a book on tape or a timed meditation.

@CathK82 but saying ‘I love you’ is meaningless after a barrage of criticism, being told to F off, that you’re stupid, getting the silent treatment etc etc. That’s not love.

I need to remind myself of that. The things I might miss don’t equate to love at the end of the day because lack of respect and care along with being selfish are not signs of genuine love

I have kept a few of his really nasty messages from the past to read if I start thinking of him or the good points, missing him at all. I just need to remind myself of how quick that switch got flipped and I found myself being hurt and never an apology

Yes stay strong OP! You’re doing great

Saying the words I love you while showing you in a hundred ways that they don't.

That's not love.

That's like saying sorry not because you're sorry but to try to get out of trouble.

True. And the whole relationship everything has been his way. Visits when it suits him. Phone calls when it suits him. Talk about what he wants to talk about only. Do the activities he wants. Sex and any affection only when he wants. He has not had to change anything or make any sacrifices.

So even when he was saying “I love you” it wasn’t because he loved YOU, with all the little individual things that make you who you are and exactly why you should be loved (by yourself at the very least!)

He would have me in tears and not say sorry. Tell me I’m too immature and stop the theatrics even when I was feeling extremely upset. It was all my fault. I had to snap out of it and stop ‘effing’ his life up with creating drama

Exactly.

I blocked him but he can still email for some reason. It goes to spam. He’s mailed me yesterday just to say I’m the most negative person be knows and this is ALL my fault, my own doing because I’m not right in the head

Just delete OP and please don't reply. Any future emails delete without reading.

Do what you would want your daughter to do if she were in your situation.

Delete it and don't open any more. You are giving him so much power over you.