Boyfriend Blows Up At Me Over Everything

[CathK82]

Hi
ive been dating my guy for nearly a year and a half. We don’t live together. I have a 16 year old daughter with my ex husband and it’s easier to have our own space.
My problem is my bf tends to blow up at me so easily and even when it’s over issues that are either trivial or in my opinion not my fault. He also seems to have double standards but when I discuss this, he gets angry and whenever he’s angry he shouts and lets out the profanities. Never apologises. Sometimes I get silent treatment. He will get in moods and bring up the past instead of letting it go, often reminding me of my mistakes.
He talks to a few females who he’s previously dated and says they’re just friends. He still has contacts in his phone from when he was on Tinder although says he doesn’t talk to them. But he’s made me delete every male out my phone and doesn’t want anyone even guys from over 20 years ago in high school messaging hello. I’ve had a couple men express interest in me since I started dating him and I’ve been honest enough to tell him and naturally I put the men in their place because I’m taken. I’ve never flirted with anyone or tried to get a guys attention but my bf yells at me and tells me I’m too friendly and I’m naive and get kicks out of demeaning him with male attention. No I don’t. But it’s ok for him to demean me by watching porn in front of me and then rejecting me because he’s had his fun with porn. I went to get my daughter from her friends house and the friends dad is single and he had a 5 minute chat with me literally about our daughters and single parenting - and I was shouted at and sworn at for being too engaging with this man.
I get run down for everything and called names and then he will bring incidents up over and over like I’m a child being taught a lesson. I’m a very loyal person and do whatever I can to show him that yet I’m still in trouble. If I point out the things he does that upset me such as talking to exes, then im called insecure, stupid, childish or told to shut up.
Maybe he has valid points, but to me it seems like he has the upper hand here and has different rules for himself and me.

Why haven’t you blocked him?

I will definitely stay away from dating and work on myself and focus on my daughter, stay single until she’s finished school

Why haven't you blocked him? Does part of you want him to contact you? If not, what reason is there to choose to not block him and delete his number, email and so on?

Good for you.

The greater distance you put between that vile man and you, the more you hopefully realise how utterly unworthy of you he was.

You can be a great role model for your daughter from this.

There’s good in everyone. I try see the good in people. This guys good sides kept me with him and he tolerated my bad sides. Whilst I know he’s not the right one for me and I’m not going back to him, I am also soft and haven’t blocked him unless he says something to warrant blocking. Even when people have been awful to me in life, I struggle to be mean to them. I don’t want to allow anyone toxic in my life but also don’t feel comfortable being offensive

This man is an abuser. That’s what he’s done to warrant blocking. He will not stop abusing you until you block him. Blocking him isn’t ‘mean’ or ‘offensive’, it’s being a rational adult who is taking control of her life. If that makes you uncomfortable, then you need to do it and be uncomfortable.

I am not sure if it’s been discussed already and I’ve missed it, but I would strongly suggest you look into getting counselling.

My x made me feel obliged to see the good in him, and obligated to overlook the bad. I was with him 7 years and only the first 6 months were good.

I’m going to go talk to a counsellor. Not just about this relationship but other things in my life I should’ve had help for long ago

I think some people can be fixated on beind "kind" and to not stoop to the toxic level of their abuser by being "unkind" too.

But what about others that become collateral damage in your need to "be kind"?

It certainly hasn't been in your daughters best interests, just a child, witnessing her mothers distress?

It certainly hasn't been kind to her to feel the confusion of a mother being emotionally abused for months?

"Kindness" is very subjective IMO when it favours some and absolutely disadvantages others.

As a parent our first obligation is kindness to our children.

Very, very, far ahead of trying to retain the higher ground with someone who is treating us really badly.

Counselling to explore your your need to "be kind" would be helpful I think.

The need be seen to be kind as a priority by others, can be very caught up in ones ego IMO and is often part of a huge need for outward validation.

It rarely applies to those closest to the person, those who are immediate family.

@CathK82 if someone who was supposed to love me, often told me to fuck off, that I was mental etc etc, then I would block and delete without a moment’s hesitation. There’s far too much of him worthy of deletion - it’s time to see the bad in someone as realistically as the good. Just because he was nice at times shouldn’t mean that his numerous bad points should be overlooked and tolerated. Would you want a relationship like this for your daughter?

No definitely not!

Well that's a very simple barometer for you to apply to your wish to be kind.

Would you want your daughter to persue being relentlessly kind to someone who told her to f off regularly, or anyone who treated her really badly?

Of course you wouldn't, so why would you persue someone who treated you like that an model such behaviour to her?

Valid point !

At times most of us have to take time to reflect on our patterns of behaviour and the consequences of them, when we realise things aren't working out the way we want the to.

Lots of lightbulb moments can flow from them.

"When we know better, we do better", is one of my favourite sayings to move forward positively in life.

He's made you doubt yourself.
You do not delete friends from your past male or female. You keep who You want to keep in your contacts.
So you're able to have conversations and be of interest to other men.
That is great.
Why do you stay with this moron?
What do you get from his twisted ideas and lack of treated you as a human being?
It is time to say goodbye.
Never let someone into making you think your crazy.
Leave him to his porn and twisted ways.

I have ended it over the weekend

You are immature? I was unreasonable. I almost almost believed it. Maybe I did believe it. I knew I was miserable and I knew he and I were the cause but I think I gave it at least some credence that it was because I was unreasonable.

He didn't think I wanted to end it. I felt it would be a huge kick in the teeth to just block him so I left lines open thinking he wouldn't be chasing me. I really wanted to be considerate of his feelings. He pestered me to communicate but without wanting the relationship back and certainly with zero appologies for any contribution he might have made.. In the end I blocked him but 8 months later he would still pop up now and then to let me know how unreasonable I was (Note - now I'm a year on I can see I was NEVER unreasonable. Not even a tiny bit!)

Stay strong. DO NOT get suckered back in - no matter how foggy he makes you feel. You weren't happy, you deserve to be happy, end of story!

Well done for being strong and moving on. He must realise he lost a great person to keep coming back to contacting you

@CathK82 - no I think he is annoyed that I left him. In hindsight I don't think he really loved me, or maybe is not capable of loving properly. What he wanted was a relationship all on his terms, that isn't love. He genuinely couldn't believe I left. Not once, never did he say he wanted me back or that he was sorry if he hurt me, or ask if I was ok. What he said was a lot of "woe is me, poor me, I am so misunderstood, I didn't do all those awful things, it was you - you are just so unreasonable".

You eventually learn not to view them through your own lense of "feelings". You feel sad, guilty, hurt, angry, confused, frustrated... They don't seem to feel the same way as you - if they did you wou;dn't be in this mess!

I am sure these types of men have narcissistic traits- maybe even NPD. To have zero empathy when you hurt someone you’re meant to care about and then blame the other person - it’s not humane

It's not being offensive. Really it's not.

And you're modelling How to be a Walkover to your DD

If your daughter had a boyfriend who shouted at her, swore at her and made her feel like shit then she finally broke up with him, would you ever say to her that it was 'mean' or 'offensive' of her to then block him?

Genuine question - would you tell her (or even think) that it would be mean or offensive for her to block him?

Or would you see it as a completely sensible thing to do in order to have the best chance of not having contact again?

OP, I think you’re struggling to see the line between establishing a reasonable boundary and being ‘mean’. Honestly, blocking someone who treats you the way this guy has isn’t being rude or offensive, it’s entirely an entirely acceptable action to protect your own emotional wellbeing. You’d put up a physical block if someone had a habit of trying to hurt you or control you physically.

Hopefully he’ll leave you alone and you won’t need to, but please do give some serious thought to it in the event that he does message you - whether that’s lovebombing or abuse.

Well done on ending it – definitely the right thing to do.

Early on you said, 'I start wondering if I am in the wrong sometimes and him being mad is normal - any guy would react the same.'

In case you still wonder that, the answer is no. I'm a guy and have never behaved that way or spoken to anybody in way you say he does. None of my male friends would either. If they did, they would quickly become my ex-friends. There's no excuse for any man ever behaving that way.

Don't be tempted to go back to him. You're in the right, and he's a dick.

Hopefully, from your male perspective, too you would think it’s wrong for A guy you constantly turned down his girlfriend for porn