Boyfriend Blows Up At Me Over Everything

[CathK82]

Hi
ive been dating my guy for nearly a year and a half. We don’t live together. I have a 16 year old daughter with my ex husband and it’s easier to have our own space.
My problem is my bf tends to blow up at me so easily and even when it’s over issues that are either trivial or in my opinion not my fault. He also seems to have double standards but when I discuss this, he gets angry and whenever he’s angry he shouts and lets out the profanities. Never apologises. Sometimes I get silent treatment. He will get in moods and bring up the past instead of letting it go, often reminding me of my mistakes.
He talks to a few females who he’s previously dated and says they’re just friends. He still has contacts in his phone from when he was on Tinder although says he doesn’t talk to them. But he’s made me delete every male out my phone and doesn’t want anyone even guys from over 20 years ago in high school messaging hello. I’ve had a couple men express interest in me since I started dating him and I’ve been honest enough to tell him and naturally I put the men in their place because I’m taken. I’ve never flirted with anyone or tried to get a guys attention but my bf yells at me and tells me I’m too friendly and I’m naive and get kicks out of demeaning him with male attention. No I don’t. But it’s ok for him to demean me by watching porn in front of me and then rejecting me because he’s had his fun with porn. I went to get my daughter from her friends house and the friends dad is single and he had a 5 minute chat with me literally about our daughters and single parenting - and I was shouted at and sworn at for being too engaging with this man.
I get run down for everything and called names and then he will bring incidents up over and over like I’m a child being taught a lesson. I’m a very loyal person and do whatever I can to show him that yet I’m still in trouble. If I point out the things he does that upset me such as talking to exes, then im called insecure, stupid, childish or told to shut up.
Maybe he has valid points, but to me it seems like he has the upper hand here and has different rules for himself and me.

He'll be happy never to see you again then, won't he?

I don't think you can actually block emails btw.

@CathK82 - so you’re the most negative person he knows , this is all your fault and you’re not right in the head? Great, then he’ll be glad you dumped him won’t he? Oh no, wait….its YOU who’s glad you’ve dumped HIM cos he’s not right in the head! Great darvo from Mr Shitforbrains. Keep him gone, blocked and delet his stupid emails unread!

I just wish I didn’t have strong feelings for him. Despite everything and knowing I need him out my life, I do love him and have ended up blaming myself for everything and feeling like a failure

Just remember OP the person you love is the dream he sold you not the real man- it’s a mirage

I know. Because even when I remind him of things he’s said and promisss he’s made he just says that people can change their mind and why do I have to be an elephant and remember every detail and hold him to it.

OP your love will die if you let it.

Don't respond in any way to him, don't read anything he sends, don't look at photos or mementos.

Do this and I guarantee that this time next year you will not love him.

Yes I heard no contact for minimum 30 days in order to move forward

Thought block. For every contact (email etc) have a plan for distraction: loud music, charity work, walk a dog (pick up dog poop), take something to the tip, watch a foreign drama and read the subtitles, hum while you do something like clean—anything where you split your attention will ground you and keep you from obsessing about him.

You should be able to block his email by clicking on the 3 lines next to Reply, Reply all etc then add sender to block list.
You are doing so well but need to focus on other things to distract you from thinking about him whether it's watching a movie or reading a book or even going for a walk.

I know I need counselling to try help build up my self esteem again and learn to let go and not accept all the labels that have been put on me

You can approach Talking Therapies for help - and it's free.

So what does he think the point of promises is if they’re just things he says and doesn’t intend to keep them? He’s ridiculous. I bet he never actually bothered to inform you that he’d changed his mind either, just expected you to look up at him adoringly and never question anything.

You will get there OP, you are still kind of seeing yourself through the lens he gave you, like one of those wobbly fairground mirrors.
If you had to say one positive thing about yourself right now, what would it be? (You don’t have to put it on here!) Start being nice both to and about yourself - it gets easier with practice.

The last 6 months he’s broken couple promises and not carries through on several things he said would happen. I’ve been disappointed and hurt but just told ‘that’s life’
Yes it’s hard to see myself in any positive light because I’ve only had negativity for past year. He would point out that he makes more effort with me than anyone else including my so called friends so that shows he’s loyal and also that nobody else wants to spend much time with me (proving I’m a problem).
Anyway it’s all over and I can’t open this door again but I know it’ll be baby steps to recovery

@CathK82 he gets worse with every new update! He really is so nasty and unkind, you deserve SO much better. You would never treat someone you love the way he is treating you, HE IS THE PROBLEM - NOT YOU!

Wow! Running you down snd abusing you was, clearly, his full time job. Every time you remember the things he said snd did remind yourself they were targeted to hurt you because that is the relationship he wanted. One of dominance. That doesn’t make them more true—that makes them untrue.

This is what I’m trying to do because it’s so easy to remember the good moments which were the ones that attracted me in the first place and kept me there. It’s confusing how someone can be absolutely amazing and make you feel like the best thing on the planet, but then in the click of fingers morph into someone nasty and hurtful

Yes but the nasty and hurtful bits prove that the nice bits weren't real. Sorry @CathK82 but it wasn't real. The happy times aren't really happy when there's always a part of you waiting for the finger-click moment where everything turns and the hurtful, nasty bully comes back.
You are so much better off without him, please try to stay strong and think about all the nice calm and happy times you'll have with your daughter over xmas without him spoiling it!

i think the thing that finally made me snap and get on MN was that my dad fell really sick. He got sepsis and other complications and it was touch and go. On the day when he was his worst where we thought he might die, I was really worried and a bit emotional and my bf (now ex) actually yelled at me with swearing because I was being too intense and demanding because I wanted my SO to talk to while I was at the hospital and it was annoying him that I was demanding his time. He told me I have family and friends to turn to and not be so effing annoying always ringing him.

Well done OP, proud of you.

Love the updates, well done OP!
Agree with a PP, refer yourself to Talking Therapies, it's free and it can go quite quickly, I have had a first appointment within two weeks of referral and now on a waiting list for treatment.

Staying single for a bit sounds like a very good idea. And honestly, it's liberating to not outsource your wellbeing to someone else.

At times when he’s mad at me I think maybe I’m at fault

Dump him and get some therapy as to why this is.

You're setting up your daughter to follow in your footsteps. Please break the cycle of abuse you think is o.k. to be meted out to you.