Boyfriend Blows Up At Me Over Everything

[CathK82]

Hi
ive been dating my guy for nearly a year and a half. We don’t live together. I have a 16 year old daughter with my ex husband and it’s easier to have our own space.
My problem is my bf tends to blow up at me so easily and even when it’s over issues that are either trivial or in my opinion not my fault. He also seems to have double standards but when I discuss this, he gets angry and whenever he’s angry he shouts and lets out the profanities. Never apologises. Sometimes I get silent treatment. He will get in moods and bring up the past instead of letting it go, often reminding me of my mistakes.
He talks to a few females who he’s previously dated and says they’re just friends. He still has contacts in his phone from when he was on Tinder although says he doesn’t talk to them. But he’s made me delete every male out my phone and doesn’t want anyone even guys from over 20 years ago in high school messaging hello. I’ve had a couple men express interest in me since I started dating him and I’ve been honest enough to tell him and naturally I put the men in their place because I’m taken. I’ve never flirted with anyone or tried to get a guys attention but my bf yells at me and tells me I’m too friendly and I’m naive and get kicks out of demeaning him with male attention. No I don’t. But it’s ok for him to demean me by watching porn in front of me and then rejecting me because he’s had his fun with porn. I went to get my daughter from her friends house and the friends dad is single and he had a 5 minute chat with me literally about our daughters and single parenting - and I was shouted at and sworn at for being too engaging with this man.
I get run down for everything and called names and then he will bring incidents up over and over like I’m a child being taught a lesson. I’m a very loyal person and do whatever I can to show him that yet I’m still in trouble. If I point out the things he does that upset me such as talking to exes, then im called insecure, stupid, childish or told to shut up.
Maybe he has valid points, but to me it seems like he has the upper hand here and has different rules for himself and me.

Well said @LimeCheesecake

Just trying to be honest with him. Rather he hears it from me than via a third party.

You know what? Even if these things were your fault (they aren't) it still wouldn't excuse the way he treats you. This isn't the way decent people treat their partner.

I’m not happy with many aspects of this relationship and do see red flags. I just wanted to post this because I start doubting myself that maybe I’m the problem or I’m too needy and paranoid as per the labels he puts on me

What would you say to your 16 year old daughter if her boyfriend was treating her like this and she was wondering if it was her fault?
That's your answer.

Stop doubting yourself and dump this loser. Hope this helps.

Just leave him. What are you getting out of being with him?

Definitely not sure why you'd be so passive and take it when he doesn't even live with you. Jeez leave the bastard and get on with life, it's way too short to live like that

Enrol in the Freedom Programme, OP, please

DUMP THE FUCKER!!!!

Does he bring anything positive to your life?
When you collected your DD and you chatted to the dad for 5 minutes how did your DP even know this happened? does he follow you everywhere or make you tell him when you dare to interact with another male?
Don't let him move in, he sounds like the type to move in by stealth so he can watch you all the time.

This is gaslighting & abuse. He tries to make you feel you are wrong & deserve to bectreated badly. Your whole post is a string of red flags, from the double standards to the aggression. Please leave him, most of all for your child who should not grow up seeing you treated like this.

This man is horrible. Your beginning to think everything is your fault. He does not want you speaking to other men even father's of your daughter's friend's. Yet he still has details of his previous tinder girlfriends and has female friends.
At least your not living with him.
I would tell him that you have decided your relationship is over and if he contacts you again you will contact the police.

Meh, you are who you are. Even if you are too needy for him, at “just boyfriend/girlfriend and not living together” stage, the solution to that “too needy” is to end the relationship and both go find someone else who’s level of need is a better match- not you trying to change yourself.

if You are wrong for him, you end the relationship, not change yourself.

So break off the relationship. You are allowed to be single.

This isn't real right? I just cannot fathom how anyone would put up with this?

Just why? What benefit is there being with him?

Why wouldn't you just want a peacefull life with your daughter?

Why on earth are you putting up with this shit? Just dump him, absolute no brainer

If he has told you you won't get anyone better-he's lying.

“Because I start wondering if I am in the wrong sometimes and him being mad is normal - any guy would react the same, it’s my fault such as couple guys hitting on me (even though I didn’t encourage them at all). At times when he’s mad at me I think maybe I’m at fault”

I didn’t read your full OP because it was clear very quickly that you should not be with this man. He has unhealthy attitudes towards women and is a dangerous partner.

Your further post, which I have repeated above, shows that you are far too vulnerable to be dating. The very fact that you think this is a you problem makes you very vulnerable to abuse and that is what is happening now. Have you done the Freedom Programme? Are you having counselling? You speak like someone who has been abused before and who has been trained to put the man’s views and feelings before her own at all times, no matter what.

The fact that you’re tying yourself in knots to please him instead of telling him to get lost also makes you too vulnerable to be dating. Decent men don’t tie you in knots. Women who aren’t vulnerable don’t tie themselves in knots to please a man. They walk away.

Please get rid of this guy and work on your shark cage. You might find Women Who Love Too Much to be a useful read also.

And as PP said - so what anyway if you’re the problem? A good relationship makes you feel good. This relationship makes you feel bad. That’s enough reason to end it, leaving aside that he sounds like a misogynist and generally a nasty piece of work.

Please dump him. You can do so much better. I am not sure if it has already been recommended but you need to read 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft, you can get it on Amazon and read it on the kindle app even if you don't have a kindle.

Jesus christ. It's not long and no shared finances: leave!

Please leave this man. He is abusing you. You are worth more than this and deserve better than him.

He’s both controlling and abusive - please dump him before it becomes physical abuse

Imagine your daughter describing her new boyfriend to you using all the details in your original post. what would you say to her?
And even if she doesn't see any of this first hand, she will certainly see the effect his behaviour on you. I cannot imagine that you are happy and at ease after spending time with him if he is shouting at you and making you doubt yourself. Don't let her think that that's ok.

And get out for your own well being. You deserve better.