Boyfriend Blows Up At Me Over Everything

[CathK82]

Hi
ive been dating my guy for nearly a year and a half. We don’t live together. I have a 16 year old daughter with my ex husband and it’s easier to have our own space.
My problem is my bf tends to blow up at me so easily and even when it’s over issues that are either trivial or in my opinion not my fault. He also seems to have double standards but when I discuss this, he gets angry and whenever he’s angry he shouts and lets out the profanities. Never apologises. Sometimes I get silent treatment. He will get in moods and bring up the past instead of letting it go, often reminding me of my mistakes.
He talks to a few females who he’s previously dated and says they’re just friends. He still has contacts in his phone from when he was on Tinder although says he doesn’t talk to them. But he’s made me delete every male out my phone and doesn’t want anyone even guys from over 20 years ago in high school messaging hello. I’ve had a couple men express interest in me since I started dating him and I’ve been honest enough to tell him and naturally I put the men in their place because I’m taken. I’ve never flirted with anyone or tried to get a guys attention but my bf yells at me and tells me I’m too friendly and I’m naive and get kicks out of demeaning him with male attention. No I don’t. But it’s ok for him to demean me by watching porn in front of me and then rejecting me because he’s had his fun with porn. I went to get my daughter from her friends house and the friends dad is single and he had a 5 minute chat with me literally about our daughters and single parenting - and I was shouted at and sworn at for being too engaging with this man.
I get run down for everything and called names and then he will bring incidents up over and over like I’m a child being taught a lesson. I’m a very loyal person and do whatever I can to show him that yet I’m still in trouble. If I point out the things he does that upset me such as talking to exes, then im called insecure, stupid, childish or told to shut up.
Maybe he has valid points, but to me it seems like he has the upper hand here and has different rules for himself and me.

Thank you. You made me have a chuckle. He reckons he’s a catch because he has a good physique, handsome, money, etc.
He has been angry at me a lot for a few months saying I’m too negative and serious, why can’t I be ‘normal’ and calm down. I tried explaining that his coldness and push and pull and often running me down, annoyed at me often - has led to me being that way. I was totally different in the beginning because he was different. He was more loving and supportive and attentive but it was short lived.

Are you going to leave Op?

edit: sorry, I missed where you said you would stand firm. Really hope you do, he’s not nice.

Well done! You're well rid!

My daughter is happy I made the decision but she’s worried I’ll weaken and go back. I owe it to her to show strength and following through on decisions

Good for you @CathK82

You have agency here. You can choose to accept this, or you could dump him. Just a thought.

He sounds awful - seriously, why are you putting up with this?

Well done

I know you don't live together but your daughter is only 16 so if he tries to worm his way back just remind yourself that it can't work because they don't get on

She's dumped him...

Ring your local police force and request a Claire's Law on him. This behaviour tends to repeat itself

Have you blocked him too?

If not, do it this instant, and show your poor DD that you’ve done so.

I haven’t blocked him but if he starts contacting me especially if it’s anything upsetting, I’ll block him

These are your words.

I feel so sorry for your daughter.

What has her life been like with this pernicious presence in your life?

She is a child whom you felt was jealous of this awful man?

Have you given any thought to the stress this has brought to her young life?

Just so distressing for her.

Please stick to your decision and reflect on the impact this awful man has had on your child who has no doubt observed your distress.

I’m not disagreeing he was the wrong choice. However he has barely been around my daughter. Yes she’s seen emotional struggles in me but I haven’t let him stay overnight at my place or have chance to directly upset her

Why do you need to let him contact you for anything? It will only be pouring honey about how he misses, needs and loves you to trap you back for more abuse

She doesn't need to see it directly she sees you're unhappy she feels the atmosphere.

Well done for ending it, even tho it was hard.

He will try again, but you can do better. He is what I call a 'buyer beware' - you can have him, but he's not a very good quality man.

I was a DV advisor for years and the amount of times we saw these 'twist it round and blame you' guys - the minute the woman and children are away, life gets back to normal

It's not you, it never was you x Lick your wounds and find someone much hotter and sexier and more loving.

What a wanker! Bullet dodged.

He needs to remain dumped too.

Do read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood. Give dating a wide berth until your boundaries are much higher. Address any and all tendencies to be a fixer through therapy. This man targeted you and deliberately so as well.

Why on earth would you stay with a massive twat fuckwit like this? You have absolutely no ties finanically, kid wise with him, you are free to walk away and never have to see the revolting pig again. What is stopping you?

I din't think I could loathe this human being any more but reading that has sent me over the edge, how can you not hate him and want revenge for all this shit?. He is utterlly repellent and abusive.

And for Christs sake block him. The guy is a total shit

@CathK82 well done, both for reaching out for confirmation of what your instincts were telling you, and for acting so decisively once you knew you were right. No doubt that his behaviour was negatively affecting your confidence and it will start coming back now you’re free of him. Block and delete now, you have no reason to keep his contact details, it will only give him the opportunity to lovebomb you back into his control. You deserve happiness.

Do it for your daughter, if not for yourself, she doesn't deserve to ever see this arsehole again.

OP you've done really well, now take your future in your hands, be proactive rather than reactive AND BLOCK HUS NUMBER NOW.

There's no point in NOT blocking it is there - you know he will try to talk you around. And be honest with yourself - are you hoping he will?

When someone loves you you feel it - warm, secure, supported, comforted. Words don't do it, only day to day actions and interplay generate those feelings.
He never loved you. Not at all.

I mean this kindly, but part of healing is being honest with yourself and owning your part in this.

I have a daughter that age, they are not stupid. They love and need their mums.
They need them with their shit together, not being emotionally abused by absolutely vile men.

Teens have their own worries, insecurities and stresses. Having a stable, emotionally present mother is their rock and support.

They need this.
Please try and be honest in how this has impacted her. Ask her. Own it. Own how this will have been for her to witness.

I think if you can be brave enough to own it, it will give you strength to never have anything to do with him again, preferably block him, and take a long break from men while you build your boundaries and self respect.

Do you want to wait for the truth when she is in her 20's and she tells you out straight how your choices impacted her?
Or that she chooses to go low contact with you because of it and relationships like this, if it becomes a pattern.

Own it, apologise for it, ask her to be truthful, listen and learn, and I bet you will be a much stronger woman from the experience, hard though it may be.

Wishing you both well.