Boyfriend Blows Up At Me Over Everything

[CathK82]

Hi
ive been dating my guy for nearly a year and a half. We don’t live together. I have a 16 year old daughter with my ex husband and it’s easier to have our own space.
My problem is my bf tends to blow up at me so easily and even when it’s over issues that are either trivial or in my opinion not my fault. He also seems to have double standards but when I discuss this, he gets angry and whenever he’s angry he shouts and lets out the profanities. Never apologises. Sometimes I get silent treatment. He will get in moods and bring up the past instead of letting it go, often reminding me of my mistakes.
He talks to a few females who he’s previously dated and says they’re just friends. He still has contacts in his phone from when he was on Tinder although says he doesn’t talk to them. But he’s made me delete every male out my phone and doesn’t want anyone even guys from over 20 years ago in high school messaging hello. I’ve had a couple men express interest in me since I started dating him and I’ve been honest enough to tell him and naturally I put the men in their place because I’m taken. I’ve never flirted with anyone or tried to get a guys attention but my bf yells at me and tells me I’m too friendly and I’m naive and get kicks out of demeaning him with male attention. No I don’t. But it’s ok for him to demean me by watching porn in front of me and then rejecting me because he’s had his fun with porn. I went to get my daughter from her friends house and the friends dad is single and he had a 5 minute chat with me literally about our daughters and single parenting - and I was shouted at and sworn at for being too engaging with this man.
I get run down for everything and called names and then he will bring incidents up over and over like I’m a child being taught a lesson. I’m a very loyal person and do whatever I can to show him that yet I’m still in trouble. If I point out the things he does that upset me such as talking to exes, then im called insecure, stupid, childish or told to shut up.
Maybe he has valid points, but to me it seems like he has the upper hand here and has different rules for himself and me.

I already have confusion and low confidence. I had a fairly unhappy childhood so as an adult I’ve had bouts of depression (nothing major) and seen a psychologist and used to be on Zoloft. He has used this against me whenever there’s an issue I have with him - just tells me I’m screwed in the head, it’s my mental health to blame

He sounds vile! Of course he can be nice and has good points, that's what keeps you reeled in for him to treat you like shit when he feels like it. Staying with a man like this is like eating a sandwich that has a tiny piece of shit in it.

Glad you are ending it. Totally right decision. He’s controlling and emotionally abusive.

Glad to hear that you are getting rid he sounds horrible you deserve so much more onwards and upwards OP you've got this 💪💐

Oh just tell him to Fuck Off out of your lives, he's crap company and rubbish sexually.

Keep it simple. "I've really had enough of you. Get lost permanently. Here's your stuff, now FUCK OFF LOSER"

I wish I was that confident and assertive! Hes sworn at me many many times but I haven’t stopped to his level. The relationship is definitely over though. I still can’t believe how much he’s changed from the first few months together

Update- ended things first up
this morning via phone call. At first he was angry and then he was softer and more calm. He says that although he doesn’t need anyone, he does love me and doesn’t believe he’s changed since we started dating. He feels the issues stem from my immaturity and way I perceive and twist things. I’m the insecure one who creates issues in my head that don’t exist.
He didn’t want me to end it. He says he knows I don’t mean it either and expects I’ll be changing my mind soon.
I know I have to stick to my decision even though emotions will get in the way.
Thanks to MN members for helping me have the courage

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he? How typical to go straight in with the DARVO. You're well rid. Stay away from him.

A MASSIVE well done to you for getting rid of such an utter waste of space. I would strongly advise you to block him and delete his number to make sure you don't end up back at square one. And plan some nice things to do with family and friends in the meantime. Huge congrats!

Well done for making the move to end the relationship - but already he is turning things on you when it is him with the issues.
You may probably have second thoughts but honestly you are better off without him and can look forward to the future without fear of what he may say, do or yell about in the future. Wishing you lots of luck.

If I start getting doubts or feeling like I’m missing him for whatever reason - I’ll read these posts over and over as well as the books suggested to me on this thread. I know there’s other helpful information and podcasts etc I can look at online.

Well done OP !

Write down all the stuff he's done and said that made you feel belittled or just hurt, and anytime you have an "I miss him" thought, read the list.

What a Grade A arsehole he is. Such arrogance!

Will do. I believe if he genuinely loved me he wouldn’t put all blame on me and would be willing to try make some changes in areas I’m unhappy in, otherwise saying I love you is empty words

An excellent coping mechanism for him.
It leaves you depleted and eroded I guess, but he's fine.

First response nails it.

Best to grey rock as much as you can now you have done the deed.

If you DO get locked into an actual conversation, everytime he belittles or blames you, just breezly agree. 'Oh yes, im very immature (or whatever he said) so probably best we aren't together then byeeee!'

Don't try to convince him he's wrong, don't explain, just end the conversation and be as non committal as possible. Practice phrases, 'hmmm? I guess so' 'oh I suppose, got to go now' 'can't really talk now, bye then' . Don't engage dont react, act like he is old news but don't feed his need for drama or attention.

So glad you ended things with him! Ignore any and all calls/messages from him because he’ll try and reel you in again. Keep telling yourself that you deserve so much better than him! Stay strong.

Well done, you've done a brave, difficult thing. Stay strong!

Well done, stay strong! Remember, if you genuinely had as many faults as he's trying to make out, he wouldn't really want to be with you. He's a headfuck and you're well rid. Happy weekend!

I feel very sorry for your daughter, who clearly is a better judge of character, yet you put her distaste for this awful loser, as jealousy?

Why would you think so little of and so poorly of your own daughter?

That is really strange to me.

I think if you wisely get therapy you should explore that.

Good luck.

Now block/delete from phone, SM etc. Well done OP, ginger him and crack on.

Forget him not ginger him

Major gaslighting! All lies to make you the bad guy. He’s the insecure one, going mad at you speaking to men, yet he speaks to exes?! He’s a nasty piece of work, isn’t he? Your immaturity?! What a joke, who’s the immature one, preferring porn to a real person, because he’s insecure!

Bloody rude of him to claim you don’t mean it, you know your own mind, ffs.

I’ve been miserable for a good six months. I have spent months trying to fix this to the point of being depressed. I’m feeling like I’m worthless because it’s all my fault. They will be elements of him I will miss, but I am not going to go back

He feels the issues stem from my immaturity and way I perceive and twist things. I’m the insecure one who creates issues in my head that don’t exist.
He didn’t want me to end it. He says he knows I don’t mean it either and expects I’ll be changing my mind soon.

Wow, he really does think he's Mr Bigbollocks doesn't he? The behaviour he's shown here is exactly the behaviour that's shown you you need to end it. His motto seems to be 'It's a notta my fault'.

Walk away and don't look back. The man's a suppurating, hypocritical, gaslighting fuckwit. There can't be anything good about him that makes the porn, the control, the temper and the belittling worthwhile. He'd have to have a golden cock and as you already know he hasn't got one of those. So ditch and go back to being your own happy self. It's not you and it never was. It's him.