Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend Blows Up At Me Over Everything

246 replies

CathK82 · 20/11/2023 12:13

Hi
ive been dating my guy for nearly a year and a half. We don’t live together. I have a 16 year old daughter with my ex husband and it’s easier to have our own space.
My problem is my bf tends to blow up at me so easily and even when it’s over issues that are either trivial or in my opinion not my fault. He also seems to have double standards but when I discuss this, he gets angry and whenever he’s angry he shouts and lets out the profanities. Never apologises. Sometimes I get silent treatment. He will get in moods and bring up the past instead of letting it go, often reminding me of my mistakes.
He talks to a few females who he’s previously dated and says they’re just friends. He still has contacts in his phone from when he was on Tinder although says he doesn’t talk to them. But he’s made me delete every male out my phone and doesn’t want anyone even guys from over 20 years ago in high school messaging hello. I’ve had a couple men express interest in me since I started dating him and I’ve been honest enough to tell him and naturally I put the men in their place because I’m taken. I’ve never flirted with anyone or tried to get a guys attention but my bf yells at me and tells me I’m too friendly and I’m naive and get kicks out of demeaning him with male attention. No I don’t. But it’s ok for him to demean me by watching porn in front of me and then rejecting me because he’s had his fun with porn. I went to get my daughter from her friends house and the friends dad is single and he had a 5 minute chat with me literally about our daughters and single parenting - and I was shouted at and sworn at for being too engaging with this man.
I get run down for everything and called names and then he will bring incidents up over and over like I’m a child being taught a lesson. I’m a very loyal person and do whatever I can to show him that yet I’m still in trouble. If I point out the things he does that upset me such as talking to exes, then im called insecure, stupid, childish or told to shut up.
Maybe he has valid points, but to me it seems like he has the upper hand here and has different rules for himself and me.

OP posts:
AbondonedThemePark · 20/11/2023 18:20

Dery · 20/11/2023 13:01

“Because I start wondering if I am in the wrong sometimes and him being mad is normal - any guy would react the same, it’s my fault such as couple guys hitting on me (even though I didn’t encourage them at all). At times when he’s mad at me I think maybe I’m at fault”

I didn’t read your full OP because it was clear very quickly that you should not be with this man. He has unhealthy attitudes towards women and is a dangerous partner.

Your further post, which I have repeated above, shows that you are far too vulnerable to be dating. The very fact that you think this is a you problem makes you very vulnerable to abuse and that is what is happening now. Have you done the Freedom Programme? Are you having counselling? You speak like someone who has been abused before and who has been trained to put the man’s views and feelings before her own at all times, no matter what.

The fact that you’re tying yourself in knots to please him instead of telling him to get lost also makes you too vulnerable to be dating. Decent men don’t tie you in knots. Women who aren’t vulnerable don’t tie themselves in knots to please a man. They walk away.

Please get rid of this guy and work on your shark cage. You might find Women Who Love Too Much to be a useful read also.

This, OP. You are being gaslit and abused, you need to dump this awful man.

Original poster
CathK82 · 20/11/2023 22:21

I have felt very up and down for quite a while and just hung in there thinking it’ll improve and go back to how it used to be. I admit I’ve never felt I can fully trust him because of contact with exes and having two phones, porn addiction, hanging onto Tinder contacts. He has this connection with other women but yet gets mad over every man who talks to me. I chat to a man who lives in my street and I’m walking past his place. He is 73 and harmless and has a wife but my bf thinks that the man has sexual interest in me. I can’t do anything without it seeming nefarious but he justifies himself. My daughter doesn’t spend time with him but she does pick up on my emotions from him.
if everyone here agrees I’m not the problem- I know my gut feelings are valid and I need to leave

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 20/11/2023 23:09

He sounds absolutely AWFUL.
Please do the right thing for yourself and dump him.
I agree with the other posters who suggest you do the Freedom Programme.
Here's a bit of info taken from the programme, please read it and see that the person you're posting about is described on this page:

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/the_dominator.html

The Dominator

The Dominator is the character which Pat Craven uses in the Freedom Programme to exemplify the beliefs and abusive behaviour of the domestic violence perpetrator.

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/the_dominator.html

uncomfortablydumb53 · 20/11/2023 23:20

Think how much happier you would be without being shouted at for nothing
Then make it happen
It could be as simple as blocking him everywhere

zeibesaffron · 20/11/2023 23:45

Now re read your post - can you not see what a total twat he is - he is a manipulative, controlling idiot. Why are you with him? what does he bring to the relationship??

Just leave him, and do not look back - teach your DD that you will not be treated this way?!!

Original poster
CathK82 · 21/11/2023 00:29

He can be great otherwise I wouldn’t have started seeing him. It’s amazing how he can switch from marvellous to awful so quick. My daughter doesn’t like him at all but initially I put it down to jealousy.
My friends don’t like him much either.

OP posts:
WichenWick · 21/11/2023 00:34

I need to come off MN for a while I think. I'm so sick and tired of posts about absolutely vile men ruining women's lives and these women wondering if they're being unreasonable for objecting. For God's sake raise your bar and dump the obvious asshole!

Original poster
CathK82 · 21/11/2023 01:30

Well it would be really nice to have the confidence and self-worth that some of your ladies have

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 21/11/2023 01:46

whenever he’s angry he shouts and lets out the profanities. Never apologises. Sometimes I get silent treatment.

I was already at HARD PASS at this point and then it got even worse!

Well it would be really nice to have the confidence and self-worth that some of your ladies have

@CathK82 It is nice, and what's even better is that you can have it too!

It starts with dumping this toxic asshole because you know deep down you're worth better than the way he treats you, and then engaging in either therapy or a self-led investigation into what self-love and self-worth is and how to improve it in yourself. Set aside at least a year for this before starting to date again.

Hibiscrubbed · 21/11/2023 05:40

I really fear that your low self esteem and desire to please this awful, abusive and controlling piece of shit mean you won’t leave him. Ever.

Everyone hates him, your daughter included. He treats you like dog shit. Realise he’s awful and leave.

therealcookiemonster · 21/11/2023 06:23

CathK82 · 21/11/2023 00:29

He can be great otherwise I wouldn’t have started seeing him. It’s amazing how he can switch from marvellous to awful so quick. My daughter doesn’t like him at all but initially I put it down to jealousy.
My friends don’t like him much either.

there is a reason why most people in your life hate him and its not jealousy.

empowerment is looking inside and realising YOU make the choice. it's your life. in this sort of situation... no one has the solution except YOU.

you can come on here and have strangers give you advice but all that is pointless unless the day you decide to leave.

self confidence is not something that is given to you (although life experiences help), it comes from valuing yourself. some therapy might help you

Annon23 · 21/11/2023 06:33

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I was with somebody who was exactly as you describe. They make you feel guilty all the time and as if you are genuinely in the wrong and you start questioning your own sanity.
It got to the point where I wasn't even allowed to drop my 3 year old daughter off to her dad's. He was jealous that we kept a good co-parenting relationship for our daughter.
I knew deep down that it wasn't right, but I just couldn't find the strength to leave him.
I won't go into every single detail as there are just so many things that he said and done to make me feel like it's me.
He told me he wanted a baby and he wanted to marry me, something inside me just switched one day and I realised I could not go on in that volatile relationship. I made sure my daughter was with her dad and I told him to leave, of course it wasn't easy.
But the sense of relief I felt doing so was incredible, I could breathe again.
He tried everything to get back into our lives, but I told myself I wasn't falling for it anymore.
This was nearly 5 years ago now, and since then I've been on my own self love journey and look back and can't believe I was made to feel so awful.
It's just scary thinking that he's out there somewhere trying to mess up somebody else's life.

I really hope you are ok. X

Original poster
CathK82 · 21/11/2023 06:45

Thank you for sharing this. It’s not nice what you went through however you’re in a better place now and feeling content and confident.
I will do the same and walk away from this and stay single for a while and take posters suggestions of therapy

OP posts:
Annon23 · 21/11/2023 06:54

CathK82 · 21/11/2023 06:45

Thank you for sharing this. It’s not nice what you went through however you’re in a better place now and feeling content and confident.
I will do the same and walk away from this and stay single for a while and take posters suggestions of therapy

Please do, I know it feels scary to even consider leaving him. But you will look back and feel so so proud of yourself, I promise.
As I said, I made sure my daughter wasn't here, and although he was never violent, it was all psychological. I went to the bathroom and called the police for assistance, while he was still sitting there laughing at me telling me that he knows I would never leave him. There was no violence, but the police managed to get him to leave, and one of the officers said that they can see from a mile off how controlling he was. Which was a relief to hear as I thought I was going insane.
He asked the police officer if he could speak to me before he goes, another way of gaining control I guess! But I stayed strong and refused to speak to him. I have never heard from him since that day.

Anyway, please do message me if you need to, I know exactly what you're going through. X

HerMammy · 21/11/2023 07:26

My daughter doesn’t like him at all but initially I put it down to jealousy.
Jesus, get a grip and put yourself and your daughter first not some toxic cunt.
I'm fed up reading about these men and the women tolerating their abuse because 'he can be amazing'
If you don't live together it's easy to dump him.

AutumnCrow · 21/11/2023 07:43

CathK82 · 21/11/2023 06:45

Thank you for sharing this. It’s not nice what you went through however you’re in a better place now and feeling content and confident.
I will do the same and walk away from this and stay single for a while and take posters suggestions of therapy

Good for you. Well done for making the decision.

Therapy can be great if and when you connect with the right therapist. In the meantime there quite a few (free) online resources to read and try out, such as 'freedom programme' materials. Also, two sites that I find really interesting to read that are full of valuable insights are 'baggage reclaim' and the 'shark cage'. I first heard about them on MN and I'm glad I looked.

Echobelly · 21/11/2023 07:49

You got it OP! Do the right thing for yourself and your daughter.

Don't let him play any games with you, don't let him back in. He doesn't need you for anything other than an emotional punchbag - it sounds like he has other women on the go and is a massive hypocrite.

Work on yourself and find your strength so no one like him can prey on you again.

Squeaky2023 · 21/11/2023 07:54

When you do leave him, make sure you do it safely: in a public place with all his stuff bagged up so no reason for him to come back, or perhaps a couple of male friends/relatives in your house in another room.
Please tell me that he doesn't have a key?

AutumnCrow · 21/11/2023 08:21

If you do need to change the lock(s), OP, plenty of us on here can talk you through cheaply changing the barrel. You're not the first and you won't be the last to have to do this. It's actually quite a symbolic and cathartic moment, to be honest.

Woman2023 · 21/11/2023 08:42

CathK82 · 20/11/2023 12:24

Because I start wondering if I am in the wrong sometimes and him being mad is normal - any guy would react the same, it’s my fault such as couple guys hitting on me (even though I didn’t encourage them at all). At times when he’s mad at me I think maybe I’m at fault

Even if you are a complete pain the arse you deserve a relationship where your partner likes you and doesn't try to control you.

Look up the freedom program.

Original poster
CathK82 · 21/11/2023 08:47

No he doesn’t

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 21/11/2023 08:54

Why are you still with him? He sounds awful and abusive.
Don’t let your Dd think it’s acceptable for a man to treat someone like this.
Raise your bar higher.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/11/2023 09:10

Abusers do not walk around with abuser written on their forehead and they target their next victim very carefully. You were targeted by this man and deliberately so as well.

Your own boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by poor life and or prior relationship experiences are being further eroded by this predatory man now. You were vulnerable to such approaches and that was very attractive to him when you met. What he showed you in the beginning too was future faking and a mirage; he did all that just long enough also to hook you in. They often quickly attach to their target promising them all sorts and those never happen.

Please additionally enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and get some therapy. Also read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and "Women who love too much" by Dr Robin Norwood. Reading about the shark cage and Baggage reclaim websites would also be a valued use of your time. Be on your own because that state is far better than being with an abuser. Your DD will also thank you for doing that because she is learning from you about relationships as well.

anywherehollie · 21/11/2023 09:13

CathK82 · 20/11/2023 12:24

Because I start wondering if I am in the wrong sometimes and him being mad is normal - any guy would react the same, it’s my fault such as couple guys hitting on me (even though I didn’t encourage them at all). At times when he’s mad at me I think maybe I’m at fault

No normal guys do not act like that. My husband has never, ever raised his voice to me, swore at me or watched porn in front of me.

In my youth however I did have a boyfriend like yours. He started physically hurting me and ended up being prosecuted for assault. Your boyfriend is abusing you...leave before things escalate.