Dating Thread 244

[SamW98]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I have a question about a situation and tell me if I’m right to think this is off. So I bump into someone I know and dated a while ago very briefly. We were just chatting, saying hello etc then he got a bit shifty so I made my excuses and walked away. They then messaged me to say sorry, but my ex walked past as we were chatting. So if they are an EX why is that a problem? Or do you think they mean out of respect to not upset them? They have been broken up a fair few months. I think AGAIN there are ex issues here. Christ alive I attract them don’t I?! I haven’t replied to the message as honestly, what is there to say?

So I’ve hard 4 first dates since my last relationship ended 3 months ago, and not one has led to a second date. Only one guy out of the 4 bothered to text me after the date (even then it was just to check I’d got home okay).

Is this normal?!

@Crushed23 did you want to see any of them again?

Also, everyone has a different experience.

I have been single for over a year and started dating in the summer. I have met five people in that - three were just first dates and I knew they were not for me. One led to a weird thing for three/four months and the other we are at three months and whilst I need a chat with him about what next and how to move forward.

@Bobtree you’re right to just ignore!

I’ve been single nearly 4 years, started OLD in Feb this year and I’ve had 5 first dates in 10 months with only 1 leading to a second. Last date I had was late August and it’s been tumbleweed since. I am 55 though so the options are fairly limited.

But yes, unfortunately, being ghosted after a date is pretty common.

I ended a long term relationship 6 months ago.

I've been on dates with three different different people since then no.1 (OLD)- only one date but that was more because it was set up as a casual thing.
No.2 (OLD) ended up seeing the guy for 3 months. I ended it due to comparability issues.
No.3 (met in real life- hoping there isn't a number 4!) Have known him since September anyway though my course, flirting for good long while (which I failed to see as flirting because I'm a bit oblivious to that 😅) and dating for a few weeks.

I've had a fairly good track record so far but I do tend to have quite a long 'talking' phase with OLD irons which I think for me has probably limited the amount of non starter's and not getting past the first date situations.

Though prior to my 4 year relationship I spent a year on tinder and only 1 of six of those got past the first date. A similar length 'talking' phase but I think I had a bit more of a 'I'll take what I can get' attitude.

I'm definitely more certain of what I want than I was 4 years ago and more confident, both personality wise and in my looks. I think I've met better people for me as a result.

In answer to your question- yes and no- but I think that was more me than online dating.

Bobtree

yes that would be stone cold ignored by me too

Crushed23

it’s very early days so don’t take it personal

and honestly did you like them and want a second date ? Or is your ego bruised after recent break up ?

On the topic of 👻
my friend bumped into someone she actually really liked and he ghosted her

as he seems outgoing she assumed other women and didn’t give a shit about her, a bit crushed
but no , transpires he had a major depressive episode
I di have a theory on ghosters and poor MH but anyway

@Crushed23

It’s a fair point. Were the any of them you actually wanted a second date with?

OLD can be brutal so I would say, if you want to see someone again, don’t wait for him to text, you message them and ask if they want to meet up again?

@Crushed23 I agree with @SamW98. Don’t wait for what you want and send a message if you’re interested.

I realised I posted an unfinished response to you earlier

One led to a weird thing for three/four months and the other we are at three months and whilst I need a chat with him about what next and how to move forward, it is going well overall.*

Also - I’m 38 in a huge city, so plenty of men in the dating pool. About 0.001% may be suitable 😅😂😂

God just reading the updates highlights how brutal dating can be..

Thanks all, I thought 2 out of the 4 dates were good enough for a second date at least.

The last time I was on the apps (3 years ago, longterm single), any half-decent date would have resulted in being asked out for a 2nd date but this time round I must be giving off ‘rebound’ vibes or something which must be off putting.

I am trying to remember it’s a numbers game and persevering!

Part of the problem is that I can’t actually imagine myself with anyone new 😬

@LittleFloatingGhost I’m inspired by your story though! I too am in my 30s in a big city (London).

@Crushed23 After a date I would also message to thank them for meeting up, and add a line about something said or did during the date.

I just find it polite even if I don't want to see them again.

If I want to see them again I wait for their reply and then mention that we should do it again some time and go from there.

I'm a huge fan of a date 0 - basically a coffee or quick drink to check they are real, look how you expect them to look, can hold a conversation in person and aren't a dick.
Only then can I consider a 1st date....

That is a good suggestion in general, having a date 0. In me previous stint in online dating I had a quick coffee coffee and ended up seeing him for a couple of months.

Agree with the date zero coffee thing first. Sometimes I’ve met someone and know immediately it was a no, but only had to go through a half hour drink to get an idea of whether I want to meet them again or not. Plus, no pressure. It’s only a coffee!

@Crushed23

—Part of the problem is that I can’t actually imagine myself with anyone new 😬

Same here… Am actually getting quite a lot of interest in the wild but ironically only because I am not interested. I would love to fall for someone but still not over Mr Wozfunnest. I don’t want to get back with him and and getting stronger by the day resisting him (we were both at a hobby event yesterday and he made of point of coming over when I was leaving to ask if I was going to a local event at the weekend ‘cos his old school friends I met once ‘really want to see you’ yeah right -they didn’t suggest it in the 2years we were together! ) but I can’t yet just feel it for anyone else….😔😔

Aw @VanillaSox so you were together 2 years....how long are you apart now? Sorry but I dip in and out and mix up the stories.
I hope you're doing OK.

It’s weird how we know it’s an immediate no sometimes, isn’t it?!

I had a date that was a walk in Hyde Park a few weeks ago and I knew in a nanosecond of meeting him that I wasn’t interested. We walked around for about an hour chatting and my gut instinct was right - no attraction whatsoever. I’m very rarely won over by someone’s personality if I don’t physically fancy them, if I’m honest.

I met a guy this year online and we just got on so well. We chatted on phone for a couple of hours several consecutive nights and then arranged a meet up. He was a little bit late as traffic was bad so I met him inside the bar. The second he walked in, my heart sank. I can’t explain it but I just thought ‘no he’s not for me’. We had a couple of drinks (that he made no attempt to pay for and sat on his hands while I got the bill) and I’ve never wanted to get out of somewhere so fast.

I’ve only had one date from OLD where there was an instant spark - and he turned out to be full of shit with ED. But that’s a whole other story 🤦‍♀️

Ive heard from a friend who many years ago when OLD was in its infancy was chatting to a guy who worked offshore (genuinely) and actually developed real feelings. When they finally met, she thought it was a formality that she’d be staying in his hotel with him that night. She met him outside a bar in London and said as soon as she saw him she felt absolutely nothing. His clothes were dreadful, he looked older and shorter and just wasn’t her type at all. That chemistry either there or not and we don’t know without being face to face.

Hi all I've been reading your stories for a while and it's nice to know dating is hard in general, not that I'm doing it wrong 😂

I was with someone 10 years and we met when I was a teenager so never really dated until we split. It's been two years and in that time I've had a few casual encounters and a boyfriend for about 8 months. Broke up with him in June and been back on the apps since September.

Had a very short term thing with a man I know through work. We shall call him the Viking. But ended when he wanted to pursue things with an ex. I was hurt and rejected but we're still friends which is nice.

Then met the Sexy Shepherd online. Omg I've never felt such a great connection with someone. We'd chat all the time, had two amazing dates and then he ghosted. I called him out on it and he fed me a load of bullshit about 'not being in the right place'. Against my better judgement I started chatting to him again recently and I'm still really into him. He apologised and I think I forgive him but I'm being very cautious. He then got kicked in the balls by a cow and can't drive so I have time to decide if I want to see him or not.

And then recently had a hinge date with a man I'll call The Gardener. Had a nice evening, conversation flowed and he asked me out but he's made a few remarks about having a nasty ex (mother of his child so relevant) but it's ringing alarm bells for me...

God that wasn't meant to be so long!

Definitely agree on the needing instant attraction though. Was like that with the Viking and the Sexy Shepherd, really not sure about this one...

I love your update@TooManyAnimals94, thanks for adding it! I am laughing though at the guy being kicked in the balls by a cow 😂😂

Reading about being attracted straight away made me realise that I’m an awkward bugger on first dates! They can’t tell as they all asked for a second 😅, but I feel distant and in some type of observation/assessment mode.

Over the next 24/48 hours I reflect, still communicate with them and then decide. Although 2/5 was an easy no within that nanosecond of meeting, the others took a bit longer to decide if I wanted to see them again, 2 I did for sure!

@LittleFloatingGhost I laughed a bit too because it seemed like good karma for being such a numpty. He's younger than me and a fair distance away so realistically I can't see it getting very serious very quickly but I think I'd be ok with a kinda sorta boyfriend. I don't have much time for anything else!

Also not sure how long it will take his nether regions to recover so may be FWB without the B 😂

That 24 hour rule isn't a bad one...but generally I don't go back on a first impression.