Dating Thread 244

[SamW98]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@SamW98 thank you. I completely get all of that and I feel I am understanding- I have reiterated that there’s no pressure from me. We talk about everything- deep conversations about him, stuff which happened in the past etc. he has also said that he feels he can tell me anything and there will be no judgement (he doesn’t have to think about what he says), which I was so pleased to hear. I can be myself with him too which is massively important.

I didn’t question if he liked me after date 2, he shows up, calls, FaceTimes, messages. Random photos of his day and I feel involved/know what’s going on. He has told me once since that I am beautiful. But there does seem to be an emotional disconnect in terms of being comfortable with being more tactile and those little things that happen in relationships. You know, hand on the small of your back, random hugs, you get the gist.

I am on the fence and a chat is the right way forward. Given how confident I am usually I am anxious about this!

😂💯😂

LittleFloatingGhost It's lovely that you feel so comfortable around him. You are feeling anxious now because you like him & want it to work, you've invested 3 months & need to have the dreaded 'Where is this going' chat! Little moments of affection, & a little reassurance, shouldn't be too much to ask for at this point.

I was supposed to meet a friend for lunch today and he couldn’t make it because he got too drunk last night and feels sick today. He told me around 5 minutes before we were due to meet and I was obviously already on my way to the restaurant.

This is definitely a friend / platonic relationship but I just feel so shit at being so low down on the list of people’s priorities and it has made me really miss having a boyfriend :(

ExDP wasn’t perfect but I always felt like I was his world. If we were still together and I had texted him today to come and meet me in Central London because a friend had essentially stood me up, he would have come straight away.

Instead I’m sitting at a bar on my own feeling sorry for myself. They don’t even have gluten-free beer so I’m doubly sad!

Crushed23 Your username is appropriate for how you feel today! I hope you are ok & were able to do something nice for yourself. Sometimes things just get to you don't they.

Oh my goodness it's like wading through treacle trying to talk to Bumble!
Way to start my Sunday.

They've just said that I will have a match que & need to click on the profiles to see them, or that the user might have changed their settings after swiping on me.

Neither of those scenarios answers why, for weeks now, I've had '1' invisible match showing & it never goes away!

I know how to click on profiles in a match que but you can't click on somebody that doesn't exist, & surely if people are changing their settings then the Matches should disappear? Not just stay on there forever more?!

I'll see if I can put a pic on here & maybe somebody can tell me if it's 'normal' for Bumble & I just havn't come across it yet.

@NervesOfCotton I haven’t had what you’re experiencing at all. I wonder if it would be worth starting again, like switching it on and off again?!

So this is what I'm seeing. All the time. Day & night, for weeks now. Other matches come & go, as I'll show, to make '2', but this invisible one remains.

@Crushed23 it’s worse when it’s a friend - the bar is higher!

LittleFloatingGhost I've tried that but thank you for the idea

@NervesOfCotton Ah, I never got any of those as it was all blurred. I didn’t pay.

LittleFloatingGhost Well I've told them that if they don't sort it I'm not paying again... I'm sure they care about my tantrum

Yes I remember when I didn't pay, they try to entice you with a nice looking blur don't they

@NervesOfCotton and @LittleFloatingGhost thank you - I took myself home and had a chilled evening listening to podcasts and sleeping diagonally on the bed!

Anyone find they have less motivation to start chatting to new matches this close to Xmas? I’m so busy between now and the second week of Jan!

I will comment on my own message with an update, I am relieved to say that turns out that "women" who send the women's equivalent of dick pics from the off aren't women after all!!

I had more and more alarm bells ringing in the conversation I was having, so said I would like to do a 1 min video call to see they were who they said they were...they stopped replying (on whatsapp). Went to flag them up on the app and the user is deleted (and "she" had 25 friends, there is a friend option there)

So the conversations which seemed so wildly out of character for any woman I met in real life were like that because they came from what I assume were men, or possibly trans women (it's an LGBT app with a lot of trans representation). Feel a bit like OLD for any gender is like looking for a needle in a haystack trying to find just regular normal people, it appears to be free for all for mentally unwell!

Ghost, your story reminded me of a meme I saw recently: You deserve better than having to guess how much you mean to someone.
However your next update shows him perfectly involved!
Your common garden psychology says if you weren't raised to think you are pretty, esp if you didn't get that notion from your father, that he admired your physical beauty, then you are potentially susceptible to seeking out men who would praise your looks and feeling that something is lacking if they don't(where other women wouldn't necessarily care about that reassurance).

My first husband never particularly praised my looks though it was clear he was attracted to me, and only when I met my second husband who was very vocal about my looks that I realised that it was something I sorely wanted to hear (my parents were very much of the view that praising their child's looks was shallow and spoiling). Anyway, the second husband turned out to be wrong for me in nearly every single way.

The only thing which is a little strange in your update is that it doesn't look like he even wants to initiate sex, and maybe that is which started you feeling insecure about your attractiveness? I'd start to worry about whether he might have some issues in that department...but if he does talking about it or putting the pressure on is unlikely to resolve it...

Not too much to update for me. Still chatting to my unexpected match and we will be at the same party next Saturday but I’m feeling more friends vibes than anything else. He mentions money a lot and that’s a bit off putting for me.

Also started chatting to Mr Kent yesterday - I always get the ones from other side of river for some reason - he seems keen but maybe a bit too keen which raises my ‘looking for a shag’ alarm bells. But I’m seeing how the chat continues.

@RadiantRainbow thank you. I haven’t heard of the garden psychology before, but for me it isn’t that. I am secure in my looks and personality (I’m awesome! 🙌🏽 😅😂😂)… however, the lack of it, along with the lack of being tactile are sort of what separates friendships from relationships, sex aside.

Yes, he seems involved and you maybe right. I did wonder if he was insecure/not confident or had some issues. However, if your suggestion of not talking about it wouldn’t be helpful, how do we move on? I really like him a lot, but sex is a huge aspect of a relationship to me and whilst I have reassured him there’s no pressure, I’m not entirely sure how long I should wait? I guess talking about this here suggests that my timeline for progress is unfortunately nearing an end.

@LittleFloatingGhost

The lack of sex after 3 months and you staying over would be a red flag for me. I presume you’re sharing a bed? Surely it’s a natural progression?
I accept there’s no rush but 3 months is quite a long while into a relationship for there not to be sex

@RadiantRainbow

I have to say I don’t date women so I can’t comment from that respect however I’ve certainly never sent an unsolicited nude and talking to my friends, none of them have either.

It’s much more of a male thing I think and it’s to do with the shock value and getting a reaction more than anything sexual. I mean you never really hear of female flashers do you?

Well my instinct about Mr Kent was right. We swapped numbers and he asked to chat. Then immediately tried to video call. I replied I’m not ready to video chat yet and he called me a catfish said I’ve obviously got something to hide and blocked me.

FFS - I’ve got absolutely nothing to hide but it’s too soon for me plus I absolutely hate video calls. For me it’s talk on phone first not straight to video without agreeing.

[male perspective]

3 months?? Something doesn't feel right about how he's behaving. I know there's no manual for all of this and we're all individuals, but after all that time it is important to be really clear, honest and straightforward about where things stand. Especially if there's a sense of a mismatch in feelings.

Ambiguity over attraction, depth of feelings and (sometimes) labelling / exclusivity are actually really damaging, in my opinion.

It could be that he has genuine and understandable things to unpack, and could be that he is actually going to be a wonderful partner on the other side of some really healthy conversations.

I'd want to know, with complete clarity, where he sees things going and developing.

People sometimes forget how deep feelings can get in only a few months, and it's not fair to string people along.

@LabradorOwner9 thank you. I have re-read your response several times, along with @RadiantRainbow and @SamW98. It is all of what you had said, particularly as we see each other in person weekly too.

I’m going to have a chat with him, it would be better in person but it’s tricky with kids and this time of the year! We are seeing each other at Christmas and have FaceTime in between. Unlikely to get a chance to see him in person before our next date, but will try. Otherwise it may be FaceTime…

Good luck!

Obviously I don't know you, or him. But speaking from my own history, I have compromised on my own boundaries and emotional needs before, subconsciously, in this type of situation.

I overlooked the bad signals, massively over exaggerated the good signals, because I wanted to jump start something intense.

This may not be relevant in your situation, but I definitely will not be doing that again.

Never forget your 'worth' to yourself and to the right partner!

SamW98

was this the Mr Kent you saw on all the bumble speed dating events ?

so he turned all wierd

No it’s not the legendary Steve from Kent 🤣 this was another guy I started chatting to who threw his toys out of the pram because I didn’t pick up a video call we hadn’t even discussed

Another to the long list of OLD idiots