Dating Thread 244

[SamW98]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@NervesOfCotton "The whole 'Not looking for a ONS/Looking for a LTR', I've spoken about on here before, some men just say that to get the women interested, & then turns out it is exactly what they are after (I've been told this by a few on the 'Message anybody' site, when I queried why they had LTR listed)"

I completely defer to the experience on this forum & chat here, genuinely. I can explain where I (and other like-minded men) am coming from, but am honestly clueless about how many players-disguised-as-LTR-seekers are out there.

I'm fascinated to learn from the female dating perspectives here, and am just happy to add my perspective where it's valuable :-)

LabradorOwner Haha, be careful, or I'll be sending you about 20 questions a day titled 'Why do they do that?!'

@LabradorOwner9 it's interesting, I've found the majority of men on dating apps have been pretty upfront about what they're after. Most matches that have been at least interesting have very shortly reached the stage we're we both check we're actually looking after the same thing if not already listed in profiles. Those I've actually been on dates with have held true to what they've said previously, and yes I've been on dates with both LTR and casual fling seekers 🙈.

It may be my age range though as I'm mid twenties!

I’m running at least 30 minutes late to the date (he picked a fucking awkward place to get to) and I’m still not feeling it.

What a DISASTER.

Wish I could turn back but I feel like I have to go and have one drink with him now.

Itssnotunusual It's fascinating to me, hearing other people's experiences!
As soon as they ask 'So, what are you looking for?' I sigh & think 'Here we go'. Because 80% of the time, then, they say 'I'm looking for FWB/Sex tbh. You up for that?'

Crushed Oh no! Deep breath, get it over with, hopefully it's ok once you get there

@Bobtree

Funny isn’t it that our gut seems to know even when we don’t.

With Mr GA I wasn’t feeling it at all after he cancelled our first date saying he was sick. I only met him in the end because it was bank holiday Monday, I had no plans and he travelled to close to me so I honestly thought ‘why not’ and the date turned out really well. Not sure why but I still had a little nagging doubt.

Then date 2 I went to him and we had another really good fun afternoon and evening. We were due to meet again but there was just something I felt wasn’t sitting right but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

And then before date 3 (where I was going to stay at his) he dropped the deal breaker bombshell that he should have told me from day 1. And it was just like ‘ahh so that’s what my gut was telling me’
And I now know there were a few things he wasn’t honest about so I’m glad I didn’t waste any more time on a liar with more baggage than Gatwick.

Hes still on the apps lying about his age and height - good luck ladies you’re gonna need it

@Itssnotunusual

It could be an age thing as I’m quite a lot older and more men of my age are jaded and cynical after long marriages.

I wish I had a £ for every man who’d not been upfront about what he is looking for. I’m like @NervesOfCotton when I think ‘here we go again’ when the sleazy talk starts by about day 3 and the ‘not sure what I’m looking for’ comes out

Only 20! No problem, happy to help where I can :-)

Could well be generational. I hope there are decent traits in your generation - my daughter will be in her twenties in the summer.

Hello everyone, I've been reading the thread and finally have something to share myself. Because I've been in two marriages back to back since I was a teenager I never had casual sex except a one off experience between marriages.
I was very sex starved in my second marriage and my ex thinks I've slept with hundreds of people in two years since we split up (he told me so) but I haven't with anyone...
Actually I discovered that it's easier to live not having it at all(well not not at all, but if we don't count solo experiences 😄) than being given crumbs or being told I'm unfanciable because I've put on 2 pounds or whatever.

I couldn't understand why now that I was finally free I was limiting myself but just feels wrong to let some random men know what I am like in bed. And I am not ready for a romantic relationship. Not sure if I am overthinking because I could have at least tried and then discovered I'm not actually into casual sex, however I couldn't bear the idea of advertising myself on the apps, so left it to real life encounters. I don't go out that much for it to be fruitful enough, but I have been asked out a few times but each flipping time by someone who I couldn't fancy less if I tried! A few people my age (I'm late 40s) but also regularly late 20s or late 60s 🤔
Anyway, it's not the whole story. I am what you call a bisexual woman but a heteroromantic, the idea of a romantic relationship with a woman isn't "me" and I never fell in love with a woman, though I love my female friends and find those friendships extremely nourishing. I do occasionally fancy women, and when we talked about it with ex before we got married, he encouraged me to explore that side more (because I didn't in my first marriage, it never was an option). However when we actually got married then were living together when the time came and I brought it up again he said he changed his mind and it was only possible in the context of a threesome 🙄I will continue in the next post

To make a long story short it didn't happen in the second marriage either, but if in the first my sexual drive and my husband's were matched, in the second not only they became vastly different because whenever ex was depressed or pissed off he went off sex (and he was depressed or angry at least 80% of the time), he actually needed 1-2 days to recuperate after an orgasm to be able to have sex again, that is even in his late 20s when we met (I've only been with two men in my life, both my husbands, so have no idea whether it's very unusual or not)

Anyway, I've realised that I don't have qualms about casual sex with a woman, as long as she was in a similar position to me, not a lesbian looking for a relationship, but someone who mostly identifies as heterosexual but also occasionally enjoys the experience of sex with women. So I dipped my toe into online dating for women.

So both experiences of talking to girls who looked like my type physically I was literally assaulted by the female equivalent of dick pics.
I actually was so taken aback at first - because I explained I need to take it easy, it will be my second time only with a woman, I'm not normally a casual sex kind of person etc, I would like to find out at least some basic info about each other before we'd be arranging meet ups for potential sex - and the person on the other side goes yes, yes, I understand, and then the next picture is them naked. With the face and all! Not a disappearing picture. And a request for me to share something similar back! Woah!
I actually wondered for a minute if it could be a man pretending to be a woman but a reverse search didn't match anything, also she was ready to phone/video call. I'm still digesting what I've been bombarded with today. One when I wasn't enthusiastic back and asked whether she wasn't worried about just sending pics of her naked with her face visible to complete strangers got very angry and unmatched 😂the other one who was less explicit (just her topless and lingerie pics) the conversation is still there but I'm slightly terrified.
I thought I had a very high sex drive but I did not expect this AT ALL, these women seemed sex-mad and completely unconcerned with any virtual safety. (neither had kids though, one was married - to a man)
So is this normal among women, do some women do it to men too, or is it just my luck that my OLD experience has to start like this? 😁

I was at a party tonight and got talking to a really nice married couple, late 30s. I know her slightly, never met him before. He is tall and good looking friendly and not at all a player type. I asked them how they met and they immediately said ion OKCupid five years ago. So there is (or was a few years ago 😁😁😁😁) hope..

This wasn’t half as bad as I thought it would be.

I had two drinks.

The conversation was good but I’m not sure he’s my type, plus I’m one of those awful people who’s out there dating before they’ve got over their last relationship, so it’s generally all a bit difficult and confusing right now. (In my defence, my biological clock is ticking and I don’t feel I can take time out from trying to find a partner.)

Oh good Crushed23, I was hoping it went ok. Not a total disaster! Are you going to see him again?

Thank you @NervesOfCotton 🙂

I’m not sure I will, but he was very good company.

On Bumble... Has anybody ever had it showing that you have a match but there isn't one?

I have '1' match showing but it's just the 3 'loading' dots, never appears as a person.

It's really irritating me

I emailed Bumble a couple of weeks ago & sent a screenshot, they took ages to get back to me then just said that they sometimes notify us of other things, it's not always a new match! The problem had just stopped by then so I left it, but it started again.

I emailed again & they said they aren't really sure what I mean, so I sent them 2 screenshots & a further one later on that showed that I had '2' matches now but only one is a person, the second one is just the 3 'loading' dots.

Does anybody else have this? Is it just a Bumble thing? Does anybody know what I mean?

@Crushed23 I found dating like this also helped focus exactly what I wanted, but then I got confused and ugh. Long story, but likely a valid part of the “journey”.

@Crushed23

Think it’s nice to meet men who you get on with but no spark because it does help you understand what you do and don’t want plus it’s a good evening with nice company so nothing lost.

So, Mr Beer. We are struggling. We have such a nice time together and I get warm fizzy feelings but I feel he isn’t quite ready for dating leading to a relationship.

It maybe because he is super cautious and slow, especially as he was with his ex for two decades, but I am not sure I have the patience to wait for what’s next. We are heading into three month territory and he said he finds me a little much when I tell him how I feel as he isn’t used to it - I am very open and if I like you I’ll tell you. We have yet to DT lD although I have spent the night a few times.

He holds his feelings back and I have to ask him to find out- an example is “are you attracted to me as I am not sure?” He replied he was very attracted. Reassuring but he is very reserved.

My friends think it’s a red flag and I am starting to agree.

@NervesOfCotton never had that! How weird.

LittleFloatingGhost Feel like Bumble are gaslighting me
You'd think I'd be used to it by now but I keep going back on & thinking 'Ooh I have a match... Oh yeah'.

I'm sorry about Mr Beer. I must admit, reading your post, I was thinking that if I had to ask for reassurance that he even liked me then I wouldn't be feeling good about it. On the other hand would people say if he's spending time with you then of course he likes you? (Hard to see it like that though isn't it!)

Could you have a heart to heart but over dinner or something, keep it low pressure, & take it from there? It's not fair on you if he just tells you that you are too much, to shut things down.

@NervesOfCotton the irony of being gaslit by Bumble 😂

Yeah, think I need to. He didn’t say I was too much in a bad way but he isn’t used to it - people telling him they like him. I found that surprising and sad. He is lovely! He did say it’s for him to deal with as it’s his issue he needs to work through but think it took him by surprise. His own admission was his ex was a “wallflower” and tbh, he may be too. I am more extroverted to his introvert, but not wildly so.

LittleFloatingGhost I bet Bumble is run by a man in his 40's

Yeah I know what you mean that he didn't mean it in a bad way. He does seem like a nice guy & like he's just unsure of himself.

@LittleFloatingGhost

I do get him to a certain extent as I’m a naturally guarded person until I feel comfortable with someone and I was just ton my ex 23 years so it is quite strange when you’re with someone else but I would say after 3 months, his walls should have come down by now if he’s really ready to move forward.

It may be he wants to move on from his ex but deep down he’s not ready yet which is causing him to hold back. Everyone different but it’s not fair on you to still not be sure where you are with him after 3 months.

I agree an honest and open chat is needed and if he’s not forthcoming then maybe it’s time to make a decision.